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Kittens

Kittens solve everything. I'm being honest and completely serious here. Think about it-in a state of war, you would shoot a small child if you had to. You can always relate that child back to horrible shitty parents or hating gay people or being a Mormon. Anything to rectify your decision. But could you shoot a kitten? Right in the head, just bam. A dead kitten and it's all your fault, asshole. 

That wouldn't happen because kittens are angelic. They are fallen angels, minus the sinning part, so it's not only illegal but barbaric and is ACTUALLY considered a satanic act to harm one in any way. You can't say kittens are racist or sexist or Catholic. You can only call them cute, fuzzy, cuddly, and warm, sometimes wet. They're the only animal that you assist if they have diarrhea. I mean how disgusting is that? We feel sorry for those little f*ckers if they have diarrhea, even when it's probably their own fault for drinking chunky milk out of their mother's nipples for a month. These are all facts. Calling a kitten a horrible existence is just a lie. That's a sin, ladies.

Basically kittens are the answer to our problems. Math test you're about to fail? Give your teacher a kitten, he won't give you an F. He's too busy cooing at a ball of fur with a heartbeat. If he even got around to your failed pre-algebra problem he would grade it an A because kittens are proven to raise endorphin levels in people, actually giving them a high. Kittens are the new healthy marijuana so all you Zeppelin fans out there really need to try this stuff.

I say Zeppelin because that's the only band I know that has scary black t-shirts that I associate with drugs...

Your teacher would also associate you with kittens so you are off the hook. They basically are a hall pass for life. 

About to get gang raped? Offer up a kitten. No one could dare penetrate you while staring into the eyes of a motherf*cking kitten. 

Are you about to rape someone? Pull out your emergency kitten. Not only will she comply willingly to your penis, but you won't feel the need to have sexual intercourse anymore. You have a f*cking kitten.

World peace? Slap a kitten on that bitch and you've got yourself a treaty. 

In other news, I don't know if you guys have heard but I'm running for senator in the next election! I know, I know, it's a little early but I DID bribe Congress with a litter of Siamese. 

[leviandcasey-blog]

Playing Hard To Get Is F*cking Hard

Who honestly created the game of playing hard to get? Because I would love to throw a sexy piece of ass in their face and see how they restrain their raging pheromones.

I think the playing hard to get game is only applicable when you're faced with a romantic endeavor with an unattractive person. Who in there right mind can actually stay away from the hottest piece of ass, while still playing mind games and pretending to have dignity? I can play mind games; I'm a pro...with ugly people. But with attractive people? Give me a dark chocolate beefcake who can cook, or at least look great in a cut off and I'm a goner. (Side note: If he wears a cut off, you should probably be rethinking why you are attracted to him. If SHE happens to wear a cut off...I think you need to reevaluate your sexuality.)

That being said, I think we can all agree this playing hard to get thing is fictitious. The REAL game is trying to restrain your body parts from latching onto theirs like a pirahna. 

Honestly, it's been a while for both Levi and I, so we're not very good at these mind games.

Maybe we should just hook up with eachother.

....

Usually when I try to stay away from someone, it goes a little something like this:

Hot guy: Soo...how's life?

Casey: (OH EM GEE he's so in love with me f*** he wants me..who would ask that and not want to get in my pants...gotta play it cool. Cool slick brick is my middle name)

Oh..uugh...urgf. Uoomf ahhhgggbah...Bahh..........eh.

Hot guy: Uh...what?

Casey: (This is going so well already...I'm really confusing him. He's intrigued. Gotta hook him.)

*eye flutter* Meh..gahh. Um.......ehhhg.

Hot guy: Uh..okay.

Casey: (He wants me.) 

I don't get why all my ex boyfriends say I'm romantically challenged. 

[leviandcasey-blog]

Casey, Why are you so god damn sexy? Also why has someone not taken you yet?

No idea girl. ;) 

[leviandcasey-blog]

A Few Orders Of Business

We have just a few orders of business to cover before we return to giving you pointless stories of Casey's pathetic yearning to have an African American boyfriend and Levi's un-sexual life. 

First we would like to say thankyouthankyouthankyou X a million trillion to everyone who is commenting, liking, reblogging, following, hating. We love you guys so much! Keep sending us feedback and reading. Anything you want in particular? We would love to cover any topic or subject. 

Second we would like to apologize for the lack of content lately. It's been finals at school so we have both decided to actually give a f*ck and do work. It's kind of weird...doing homework...what even is that....

We also would like to say that we are still sort of noobs at this tumblr thing. We keep on trying to comment and thank each and every one of you for following and liking but we can never find the "ask" button on anyone's page! We are either A: retarded, B: retarded, or C: retarded. Either way we are sort of screwed.

Here is a sneak peak for the action coming up soon:

-Dissecting Cosmopolitan: An in depth report on the magazine's hellacious ways 

-The Hook Up Laws

-Playing Hard To Get Is Hard 

and much more sexy sexiness. We love you guys! Thanks again for reading! Please give us some feedback or hit up Casey's twitter. She's on there 24/7 with her lack of life.  https://twitter.com/#!/caseydelgado

Also, here is a picture of us. We thought you guys could use some new late night "study break" material.

[leviandcasey-blog]

Donate Your D

 A striking global phenomenon has taken place involving a lack of sexual favors. The Obama Administration and various other charitable organizations have banded together to create Feed My Starving D, a charity specifically designed for people who have trouble getting any. The Donate Your D dropbox will be showing up at various local grocery stores near you. So Donate Your D today!! It's all for charity.

Are you self-conscious? Small African children don't judge! But we probably will. 

[leviandcasey-blog]

#ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage

The pork sword of the tool I recently hooked up with who also happens to have a very impressive criminal record for a seventeen year old and got kicked off every varsity sports team and is typically on some type of illegal substance by first hour every day and also typically stares at my ass which might be an ego boost but also makes me want to bitch slap myself for thinking his MASSIVE PORK SWORD was worth the personal beating i give myself every time I see him for potentially letting my classy rep go down the drain for a VERY IMPRESSIVE PORK SWORD. 

Oh wait...just kidding. 

Maybe I should refer to his penis as Overcompensation Station. Oh wait...I think that would be his personality.

I just really adore ripping on this kid. 

Also the fact that Kim K is already divorced! And to think we had hope for love! I'm so depressed now, I doubt I'll ever find love!

I mean, I probably won't if I keep on writing super horrible things about the male encounters I do have...keep up the good work, Casey. 

original criminal/tool hook up:

http://leviandcasey.tumblr.com/post/10628026405/i-literally-am-a-f-ck

[leviandcasey-blog]

You Fake Bitch, You.

Driving along and doing the uncomfortable-shoulder rolling-bouncing in your seat-sitting in a car-dance to some Usher song that makes you feel like grinding on the nearest ethnic piece of meat, when you realize it really isn't that dark out, and everyone can actually see you.  To add to that, pulling up to a red light and looking over to see a truck full of passengers laughing at you. The passengers include an overweight dad and a kindergartner who is clearly more mature than you.  

The only solution?

Act important, and fake text the f*ck out of that situation.

I love the fake text/call. It gets me out of so many sticky scenarios.

Literally sticky; receiving a "text from mom" mid regret of tongue-swapping with the ugliest hockey player on varsity? Because that's all you could manage to score for the night? It always works. Have YOURSELF on speed dial, ladies.  Btws, I have found out that hockey players can slap a lot more than pucks. If you catch my drift.

They're f*cking amazing at slapping my face in front of large crowds with their sticks (on accident?) while exiting the arena.  That moment definitely called for a call from mom urging me to get to the nearest hospital to say goodbye to grandma. Sometimes its necessary to go the whole nine yards, girls. 

[leviandcasey-blog]

"That's Awkward As Sh*t" Moment Of The Day

Me in the shower:

*bangs head on hanging caddy*

"Ohhh fuck ughhhh fuck sh*t. Ughhhhh."

Comes out of shower:

"What were you doing in there, honey?" -Mom

"Um taking a shower. I bumped my head on the caddy." -Me

"Ohhhh. That makes sense...I was wondering cuz..well I mean you don't have a boyfriend so that other thing would make sense too..."

"MOM."

[leviandcasey-blog]

I'm Not Welcome At Elementary Schools Anymore

Weird, I don't know why they kicked me out.

[leviandcasey-blog]

how long have you been bloggin? or bee n a blogger? or whatever @devinallenbyrd

We've been posting since around late August! We're still sort of blogging virgins. 

[leviandcasey-blog]

The Highlight of My Year

Driving past an Indian man in his 1970's Pomtiac Catalina dropping sick beats.

He was rapping with an intensity I've only seen in Nicki Minaj and a young, hungry orphan puppy being fed Chipotle. If you haven't witnessed this yet, you are missing out girl. 

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F*CKING ATTENTION! HOLY F*CK

Remember the guy from "I Literally Am A F*ck?" ( http://leviandcasey.tumblr.com/post/10628026405/i-literally-am-a-f-ck ) Well, it turns out he just said "no homo" on facebook.

We all know how I feel about this phrase. I can't believe the people I hook up with. Where do they get off?!

I feel like they should try harder for the sake of my image. Diva statement? Of course, girl. ;) 

[leviandcasey-blog]

Do You Think Your A Queen?

Because in all actuality, girl, you have a tumblr. A god damn mother f*cking tumblr with 500,0003,34098,499,4098,2358098,32098 followers. We wouldn't have a problem with this, we think we're hot sh*t too, except for that your followers follow you only because you post 5 million pictures of naked chicks grinding on each other. But hey, it's okay, we like porn, too. Especially on blogging sites. 

Never change, girl. Never change. 

[leviandcasey-blog]

Sh*t

What happened between 4th period and 5th period:

Levi: I hope you know that if your boobs shrink, our friendship is over.

Casey: Will you still be my friend if I go up a cup size?

Levi: ....Duh.

Casey: What if they shrink in proportion to my body?

Levi: ...Don't even think about it, bitch.  

[leviandcasey-blog]

love your blog

appreciate the love. and we will girl, follow us back for updates

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Texts From Levi 3.0

It's been a while since we've posted one of these! Probably because Levi and I now totally hate each other...

Anyway, I received this first text about twenty minutes ago and was incredibly awed by the intense, sexual waves that flowed out of them.

Levi: OMG new idea. Let's become legitimate whores. I'm serious girl. We need a pimp (any black guy will do) (actually, any guy of any ethnicity other than white will do) and our own street corner that no other bitches can occupy. 

Casey: You are seriously a demi-god. Can I wear a fur vest? With nothing underneath it besides a Batman-esque combat belt fully equipped with knives incase any bitches try to step up on our curb.

Levi: Yes! Your pikachu might get a little cold during the winter months, but we can invest in some hand warmers.

Casey: Cabbage patch warmers! Loves it!

[leviandcasey-blog]

Radioactive Ex Boyfriends

Today, friends, I would like to talk about my very real and VERY horrifying ex-boyfriend. I know many of you are surprised-but yes, I have had a boyfriend before. There are multiple jackasses who have decided to embark on romantic adventures with mua. Today we will discuss "Tom."

Now Tom..was my first REAL boyfriend. I'll talk about my fake boyfriends and my middle school boyfriends (because that's always fun) and my hookups, but I think we need to clear the air and get my first, and only, real relationship out of the way.

I dated Tom my sophomore year of high school. I thought he was a beautiful creature that God gave me as a reward for saying no to that one pot hookup. I was wrong of course, God would never reward someone for saying NO to pot, but Tom turned out to be my worst nightmare. I literally have recurring night terrors about him.

Tom started out great. We began like most teenage relationships; texting every day and the occasional awkward sweaty movie date. But he was different than the guys I had texted before. He made me feel like the sexiest little 15 year old alive. 

 Then Tom and I officially started dating. Great! Casey has a boyfriend! I'm sure everyone who logged onto facebook that day was shocked, he was decently attractive and had a good sense of facebook etiquette. AKA: teenage perfection. He was my whole summer, I spent nearly every day and night with him. But after a good four months...something happened. 

 Tom changed. Or maybe just showed his true colors. Either way, I think the first step of his transformation/unveiling was his stage 5 clinging. Actually this wasn't stage 5...this was stage 20 off the charts I must see you every day or I will send you cryptic suicidal texts stage. I don't really know how he expected my 16 year old self to handle this, but I definitely laughed at most of them and ignored them. Looking back, that was probably a horrible decision to make as a human being, but it's in the past, right?

One day he told me he couldn't call me because he wasn't allowed to be around any electronics or radioactive materials for 23 hours. Alright? I didn't think much about it, because I honestly didn't care. I couldn't even talk to him anymore without being severely annoyed. See, he would constantly be critiquing everything I did-something that really chafes my huge butt (which he also enjoyed to critique). When two egos like that clash, it's bound to be disastrous. But he obviously didn't think it was, and he never understood my sarcastic comments of my hatred towards him, he just found them charming and feisty. So when we did hang out, I usually just skipped to the makeout phase..for a good five hours. He was still pretty adequate in the sack, thank God. 

I think Tom was starting to feel emotionally neglected, because a week later he forced me into a dinner date. I was pretty pissed-I didn't want Thai food, and I certainly didn't feel like he deserved to be shaved and dressed up for. But I slid my ass into some tight lbd and took a good hour becoming hairless in the event of getting some. Or seeing someone I know.

Dinner was fine-I made appropriate small talk while planning my escape and Tom's demise in the event of a fire. Then I started to wonder why I was there if I hated him so much...then I went back to thinking about his demise while he talked about college applications and his feelings. 

We were driving home after the uncomfortably spicy Thai experience and I was de-sweating. I can't really help it that I sweat and my nose runs when I eat Thai food. My stomach was making those awkward rumblings that were signaling my need for a bathroom soon and I was getting agitated about having to be in a car with him for so long. I don't understand why the Thai restaurant was a good 10 miles away. 

Then Tom popped a little pill of information on me. 

Tom: So I'm feeling really great lately.

Casey: Really? That's great. Super great. Awesome.

Tom: I know babe, I know. I think it's because I've been going to see this guy who injects me with these shots of power. Take your face off the window, it's going to get dirty. Anyway, they make me stronger and more flexible, but I can't be around anything radioactive after I take them because...well, I don't really know the side-effects, but I trust the guy's word. 

Casey: .....where is this?

Tom: I can't really tell you, he's really secretive about his work. He only has the best clients and he told me that his methods are not really accepted in the medical community.

Casey: Um, what?

Tom: Well everyone would just flock to him, OBVIOUSLY. Doctors would lose all their money and he would be rich. But anyway, I've gotten a lot more flexible..if you know what I mean.

So after I found out that my boyfriend was on illegal radioactive drugs and convinced he would turn into f*cking Spiderman, I decided to create some distance. I sent him minimal texts and told him I was really busy with dance and school work when I spent most of my time going through my Netflix instant queue. The last straw happened a week after this. After watching Sex and The City, I needed a little lovin and called him up for a late night booty call. I don't really know how booty calls work in a relationship, but I made it work.

He came over within 20 minutes and he was shirtless in my room within 30. Then he did something he had never done before-he stopped me.

Casey: What the f*ck are you doing?

Tom: I'm not feeling it right now. It's not you...it's me. I had a really rough day at school today....

Casey: Oh. 

Tom: Yeah..it was really bad..

Casey: Yeah, okay.

Tom: Like the worst day I've ever had...probably EVER...

Casey: (sigh) Oh..right..what happened?

Tom: Well these guys got on my case for no reason. They said it was because I was being a douche during gym class but honestly, they were the douches. If someone doesn't pass you the f*cking ball it's understandable that I would push them over and take it. So they were like f*cking cornering me and shit, trying to get up under me. They were like, getting closer and closer and no one else was around and I was trying to figure out how I was going to kick all three of their asses when this just...oh, I don't know if I can talk about it.

Casey: Okay, great!

Tom: Well I guess I'll try. So this just weird...sensation came over me. Kind of like chills up and down my back? Anyway, I panicked and thought it might be some side effect of those shots and pills I've been taking. Like I was turning into the f*cking Hulk. But I opened my eyes...I had shut them because the chill was really intense...and there were these hazy, beast like animals behind them. Kind of like ghosts. And they slowly walked towards them while they kept on yelling at me. I just like, stood there looking at them, and then pounced on them. They started barking and everything...these spirit wolves. Three of them. They attacked them, and they couldn't see them but they ran away from me. The wolves followed them down the hallway, then came back and sort of smiled at me before disappearing.  A few minutes of silence passed while Tom cuddles my cold, unreactive and processing body.

Tom: You know, I'm feeling a lot better now. You can go back to what you were doing earlier.

So, needless to say, I ended things with Tom a week later. Over a text message. On our anniversary...

Don't hate me, it just happened. I forgot that it was our anniversary. I kind of tried to make myself forget I even had a boyfriend until his texts became a little too overwhelming. I don't really like communicating after I find out you have spirit wolves and are on Indian steroids.

Now this was a cautionary tale; I hope none of you ladies or gents ever become involved with a man of this caliber. Kick em to the curb while you can.

 Needless to say, Tom was my first real relationship, and one I definitely won't forget. Even if I try really, really hard.