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lewd-weirdo-blog · 6 years

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Things that keep me up

(part 4)

Regrets

We all have plenty of regrets. But I think the things I regret most, involve someone leaving my life forever. Whether they passed away or we stopped talking for some reason, or I forgot (which sounds horrible, I know. Because I know I've forgotten people important to me but I don't remember who they are or I can't find them.)

I've recently had my 3rd family member pass away, and I have so much regret and guilt. Because that's the third person I promised to visit soon and never got the chance until they were gone.

My great-grandmother devasted me. My first encounter of mortality when it really set it than all these strong people who taught and raised all of us, wouldn't be around anymore. I couldn't see her much because of the custody arrangement, and those 2 days with my mom was my only time I could relax, so I didn't leave much. Just soaked in what it feels like to have a parent care more about you than what they look like to society because of you. Our Sunday tradition is eating a large meal all the adults prepared at the eldests' house. She had been asleep for 3 days on a home breathing machine. It just so happened to fall on the weekend I was visiting. I like to think she was waiting for all of us to be together.

My second was my grandfather (fathers side). Even though I'd already encountered mortality in my family, his loss was earth shaking. He had had 3 heart surgeries. He did all the outside chores and fished. He loved to talk a lot, and he's the most sane person in that part of my family. He started becoming frail, and I couldn't take seeing that. He'd bump a door handle and have to get stitches. He tried to hold on. I kept avoiding seeing him because I couldn't face seeing how close he was to running out of time. I was supposed to leave for the beginning of work training and I kept promising him I would visit right before I left. He didn't make it. I got the news and rushed down. I was happy to be home but so upset for the reason.

Then, just 2 weeks ago, my grandfather (stepmoms side). This man was an ox. Stubborn, hard-headed, ornery, made of steal. He was basically superman with jokes and a big belly that shook when he laughed. He had Alzheimer's and it was causing Dementia to set in. He had a major stroke. His second in the last few years. And everyone was shocked to find out how I'll he'd gotten and what it had done to him. He was in hospital nursing and therapy. At first, he hurt a few people while he was out of his mind. He started talking about being out at sea in the military (he was never enlisted and my mom speculates he was thinking of me and caused his mind to get confused). He calmed down eventually and because there was no call, everyone thought he was fine. His time for therapy was up, so my mom went to pick him up. She got there and they were shocked to find out no one had informed her or anyone that he had deteriorated suddenly and was taken off his meds (except morphine and anti-anxiety ones) because he was clinically diagnosed as "actively dying." I hadn't seen him in 2 years because work and costs to go home. I knew I wouldn't but hoped I would make it to say goodbye and I'm sorry for taking so long. He passed as I was leaving to go home. I regret missing my last chance to see him, or hear him call me "side-kick sam."

I know these things can't be helped or controlled, but it's awful going up and seeing someone, in their casket, and asking if the morgue switched bodies on accident, because it had been so long since you'd seen them, that you don't even recognize them. And you can't say you're sorry for being late because there's no sparkly eyes or laughing voice telling you "its okay," or "I missed you too."

And I'm sorry it's been lengthy and not much really explained other than passings, but I have to go because I'm crying and I haven't let myself do that since I first found out the news.

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lewd-weirdo-blog · 6 years

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Things that keep me up

(part 3)

Costs of living

I work a government job and it's the best I've lived, sure. I get extra pay for marriage and basically an allowance for apartments and food, yeah.

But that doesn't mean I make enough to eat healthy and support the bills and things for me and my partner. In fact, I have outstanding debts that I never had before (granted it's my own fault), and I can't afford to eat salads or pick the finest meats.

And I HATE seeing people think that my job makes me think I'm entitled or that I'm rich as fuck. I ask for the discounts because I need every penny. I support 3 people (including myself, and one had a part time job, but it only makes things barely easier), and we eat frozen chicken nuggets and cup noodle soup regularly. Sometimes we'll get a chance to splurge and get some steak, but it's not even the good quality kind. It's those super thin pieces covered in fat that are like $10+ at the store.

I have 3 pieces of furniture and one stand up lamp. The two Tv's we have were ones that we got for free from my partners last job and one was a gift to our roommate. One furniture is a mattress and box spring I found on a curb sale site for free, and the other we are still paying off from 2 years ago. Another piece was a marriage gift from my mom. I hate how empty our house feels.

But yes, I have thousands of dollars in my savings account (sarcasm). In reality, I put money in my savings so I can have a real wedding, only to take it out a couple of weeks later because we forgot a bill.

It's just...ridiculous

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lewd-weirdo-blog · 6 years

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Things that keep me up

(Part 2)

Feeling stuck in this world

This ties into mortality a little. So here goes:

We're stuck all the time. Physically or mentally.

I hate feeling stuck mentally, but it doesn't stop. This world we live in, is just that way. Currency, jobs, debt, pollution, everything makes me feel stuck. We work at jobs we don't like, for money we don't care about to buy things we want or need, to create pollution that kills the Earth AND us, and we hardly get the chance to step away from our routine and environment.

Like, we all die some day, and here we are avoiding bills and debt collecting calls, thinking about how tired we're going to be for work tomorrow. We live through miserable situations that we put ourselves in just to afford being able to continue to live through it all.

We only get one life, and we're stuck using it to do things we hate or pay for things we can hardly afford so we can live to next week. And now countries like mine have made the cost of living pollution or waste-free so expensive, we can't afford to care about the environment too, and that's because of how difficult it is to get people out of things we've had or done forever. Like pre packaged food and that don't spoil quickly or energy coming from places that don't care about the ecosystems it can destroy.

We are so stuck in our ways and afraid to try something new because it MIGHT not work. And we can't even pay for education or travelling to learn and end up stuck in those low rank, minimum wage jobs that we all hate. Plus the cost of health insurance.

It completely boggles my mind that we have little sheets of cotton covered in ink, and little bits of metals mushed together that we created and said they are a fair trade for this or that, and we're in debt as a country over it? I mean, these things only have value because someone once upon a time, decided that they did. And everyone else agreed that it seemed fair. How does stuff like this happen?

I mean, I understand the rules of our society and how things like this started and just kept growing. I just don't understand why? Why do we keep hurting the Earth? "Because it's cheaper and it'll die generations from now, so why should we worry?" Why are we in debt, or why did our currency get chosen to have the value it does while other countries are different, or why do our prices for everything keep rising? "We need something to trade for what we use or borrow, and currency is easiest because it can be traded for other things they need that we might not have. Inflation, resources running low, hazard risks, etc."

I get all that, but WHY? Don't give me the textbook answers. Why do we choose to keep doing this to ourselves? Maybe I'm not asking the question right, but I don't know how to turn this feeling into words.

All I know is it feels bad and almost ridiculous because down to the root of almost all of it, the answer is almost always 'that's just what happened; that's just what was decided.'

My favorite question is why and how. I don't care as much about what things do, I want to know how. And when I get that answer, I want to know why. But that question always comes down to "just because." I guess because most things or people don't have a hidden wall where they all have an individual why behind actions or purpose. Somewhere, it ends with just because. There's just no more answers.

If anyone actually reads these, thank you.

#anxiety #currency #issues #what's wrong with the world #philisophical #thoughts of an amateur #a bit sad #it's okay #thanks #if you actually read this #I know they're long #things that keep me up at night #it's late #shout to the void

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lewd-weirdo-blog · 6 years

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Things that keep me up

(part 1?)

My mortality.

Knowing one day, expected or not, I will be wiped from this Earth, probably without much significance.

While I know it's my anxiety crashing around my brain, I have to imagine it. Like a good book or movie where I'm constantly guessing the end.

Sometimes, it's peaceful. I imagine being old and weathered, surrounded by my family. I imagine I lived with enough money to care for my future children, spoil them and my grandchildren. I imagine that when all my kids leave, my husband and I pack our bags and live our bucket lists. I picture laying down with my husband's hand in mine, ready to go with me, and neither of us have any regrets thinking back on our lives. And I'm okay with the pages ending there.

Sometimes it's abrupt or painful. Being clumsy or inattentive, I get lose at sea while deployed, or hit by a car and I die in the hospital. Those, I fear. The ones where I don't get to say goodbye or say that I lived how I wanted to.

But overall, it's not the act of dying that keeps me awake, it's the after. I'll be gone; I'll have no memory of my life because my consciousness will stop existing. It's like I have a wall that my brain desperately tries to break down, or make a peep hole so I can see what's on the other side. It feels so close to understanding, but it's always just out of my grasp.

It's knowing that this whole life I have, will mean nothing in a few generations at maximum. I could be reborn, or continue as a ghost, or explode into stardust sprinkled across the night, but no matter what, I'll never remember these parts that feel important to me right now. The movie will end, and I'll face a blank screen, but I won't even know that it's blank or what that means because I won't remember that there ever was a moving picture there.

Which pisses me off, because I'm stuck. But I guess that'll be explained in part 2 if anyone cares.

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