liamthepayne - Tumblr blog

[liamthepayne]

Liam nodded at Niall's words slightly, smiling weakly as he kept on clinging to his boyfriend. He listened to the boy and frowned deeply. He knew Niall got hate, maybe even more than Liam himself and he felt selfish now. Niall never made him go through any of this, he didn't think it was fair. "I don't even deserve you." He mumbled, shaking his head as he loosened his grip around the other male.

Liam bit down on his bottom lip before nibbling on it as he stared into Niall's eyes. He nodded and sucked in a shaky breath. Honestly, he didn't think he'll be okay but he needed to make the boy believe he was okay. That's the least he could do really. After a while he pulled back and stood up, "Let's go." He mumbled quietly, staring towards the exit of the treehouse. He didn't wanna leave yet but he knew he could come back on his own again. He still loved being around Niall; he made him feel safe, like nothing could hurt him, but he also made him feel guilty and selfish and Liam didn't want that.

I'm Not Good Enough || Niam

Niall couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief as Liam hugged him, clutching tightly to his boyfriend back. “I will baby.” Niall whispered into Liam’s neck. “I promise I will. You don’t have to deal with anything on your own, ever again.” Niall promised, tightening his grip on Liam even more.

Niall sighed softly as he listened closely to Liam. “I wish I could tell you it would get easier Li, but it hurts everytime. The only thing that can change is how you deal with it.” Niall said, frowning slightly when he felt Liam’s tears hit his neck. “When you read hate, please come to me Li. Just talk to me about it. Plus I think it was you who told me that the haters are always wrong.” Niall finished as Liam pulled back. He smiled into the kiss, kissing back just as gentle. “I love you too Liam. More than anything.” Niall whispered as he stared into Liam’s eyes. “I promise it’s going to be okay, you’ll be okay.”

[liamthepayne]

Liam smiled weakly as Niall kissed his forehead. He sighed heavily as he looked down at their hands, thinking about how the boy would even be able to help him. He still didn't think it was possible. You can't just make people like you, that's just not how it works, but Liam trusted Niall and he knew he couldn't get through this on his own. He nibbled on his bottom lip before he wrapped his free arm around Niall and hugged him tightly, nodding a little. "Please try." He whispered, closing his eyes as he gently squeezed the boys' hand. He couldn't help but smile softly at the warmth Niall's body provided.

Liam kept on hugging the other male, fearing he'd leave once he loosened his grip around him. He knew he was being silly but he felt like he would have fallen apart without feeling Niall so close to him. He chuckled softly, shaking his head at the boys' words, "I've never got hate before. I mean, from fans. I didn't think it would hurt this bad, but it does." He mumbled, a few tears escaping his eyes before he smiled as he kept on listening to his boyfriend. He sucked in a deep breath before pulling away a little and kissing the boys' lips gently. "I love you." He whispered against them before he pulled back and stared at Niall.

I'm Not Good Enough || Niam

Niall shook his head slightly as Liam apologized. He didn’t want Liam to be sorry when none of this was his fault. Niall couldn’t help, but place a soft kiss on Liam’s forehead when his boyfriend turned to look at him. “Let me try Li.” Niall whispered, one hand reaching out to grab onto Liam’s. “Please just let me try.”

Niall watched Liam as he sat up and crossed his legs, not letting go of the other boy’s hand and keep his arm loosely around his boyfriend. He shook his head as Liam continued talking. He could feel his heart breaking with each word, he hated to see Liam in so much pain. “No Li, this does involve me, because it involves you. I can see you’re in pain, of course I’m going to want to help you.” Niall said as he squeezed Liam’s hand. “What? The fans? Li, every one of us has people hating on us. But the real fans, they love you so much. You can see it when they get so excited over a twitcam with you.” Niall took a deep breath before continuing. “I know the hate drowns out the rest of it. But there are so many people who love you so much, like me.” Niall finished with a half-hearted cheeky smile.

[liamthepayne]

Liam kept his eyes closed as he felt Niall pull him closer and wrap an arm around his shoulder. He bit down on his bottom lip hard, listening to his boyfriend's words. He couldn't help but smile as he felt the boy kiss the top of his head. "I'm sorry." Liam mumbled, sucking in a shaky breath before he closed his eyes. He hated how this whole thing effected Niall as much as it effected himself. "I know." He started, his voice quiet as he turned to look at his boyfriend. "Know you want to help me but I don't think you can." He said, staring into the boys' eyes. They were blue; as blue as the ocean. Or as blue as the sky on a clear, sunny day.

Liam sat up a little and crossed his legs before he just kept on looking at Niall. After a few moments, he finally shook his head and said, "You shouldn't have to put up with this." And before Niall could even say anything, he continued. "No matter what you say, this really isn't about you.. They like you. I'm the problem." 

I'm Not Good Enough || Niam

Niall smiled as he turned his head and saw Liam smiling at him. He could hear the love in Liam’s voice when he talked about his sisters and it made him smile even wider. His smile dropped as Liam continued talking. Niall was glad that Liam had something that he could escape to when he was younger, but now his mind was thinking of reasons why Liam might have had to need to escape.

“Li.” Niall whispered as he watched his boyfriend pull his legs up to his chest. Niall scooted closer to Liam, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and pulling him closer. “I’m not going to make you talk about it right now love, but I really wish you’d tell me what was wrong.” Niall whispered softly as he rested his head on Liam’s, kissing the top of his boyfriend’s head. “I just want to try to help you.”

[liamthepayne]

Liam nodded in agreement, "They really are." He mumbled, smiling softly as he thought back at everything they had done for him when he was little. He kept his eyes on Niall and couldn't help but tilt his head and smile at him fondly. He snapped out of it as the boy turned to look at him again. "It has always been a little get-away-from-everything place." He said quietly, his smile dropping instantly as thoughts of him being bullied in school came into his mind, along with the hateful tweets. He closed his eyes and pulled his legs up, pressing them against his own chest as he sighed heavily.

Liam hoped this miserable feeling would soon be gone again so he could enjoy being up in the tree house. He wasn't supposed to be in a bad mood like that, not in a tree house.

I'm Not Good Enough || Niam

Niall smiled softly as Liam came and sat next to him. He listened to his boyfriend talk, his smile growing with each word. He could tell how much that meant to Liam and how happy it made him. Niall wished he could have Liam be this happy all the time, that they could just hide up here forever. “That sounds awesome Li.” Niall said softly. “Your sisters are awesome for doing that for you!”

“I didn’t, though now I kind of wish I did.” Niall said, looking around them. “I can see how much it means to you and I kind of wish I had that as a kid.” Niall shrugged before turning to look at Liam again. “We should definitely come here more often.”

[liamthepayne]

Liam kept on looking out the window, smiling brightly at Niall's words. He nodded and turned to look at the other boy. He watched as his boyfriend sat up against the wall before he walked to sit next to him, still looking around with a wide grin. After a while he turned to face Niall before he smiled sweetly, happy that the boy liked the tree house. He nodded before he started talking, "Yep. I knew my dad didn't want me building one but I begged my sisters to help me and eventually they did. Dad was gone for a business trip for a whole weekend and that's when we built it." He said with a chuckle, "It was amazing." He mumbled quietly, a soft smile on his face.

Liam looked up at Niall and tilted his head in curiousness, "Didn't you have one?" He asked, not actually wanting to believe that he didn't. To Liam, tree houses were something special. A special place he could hide away from the rest of the world.

I'm Not Good Enough || Niam

Niall grinned as he watched Liam climb the ladder, not being able to stop himself from checking out Liam’s ass before following him up. He carefully climbed the ladder after his boyfriend, looking around with a huge smile when he entered the tree house. “This is so cool.” Niall breathed out, walking over to one of the other windows and looking out of it. He didn’t expect a tree house to be so cool inside and to be this spacey, but he loved it.

“This is so awesome Li.” Niall said as he went to sit up against a wall. “I get why you like tree houses so much. He continued as he stared over at his boyfriend with a small smile. “Did you have one as a kid or something?” Niall asked curiously as he wondered about his boyfriend’s fascination with tree houses. 

[liamthepayne]

Liam turned to look at Niall and smiled softly as he agreed on going up the tree house. He didn't even hesitated another minute before he started climbing up the ladder. Once he reached the actual house his eyes widened in delight. It was pretty big and even had a few windows to look out of. It reminded Liam of the tree house his sisters and him once built in their back yard. He walked over to one of the windows and looked out, his smile wide. "Wow." He mumbled as he could look almost over the entire park.

All of this made him forget about what had happened, only for a few moments though because there always was a voice inside his head, telling him how flawed he was and he knew it wouldn't just go away like that.

I'm Not Good Enough || Niam

Niall smiled softly as he watched Liam’s own smile widen, feeling his heart skip a beat at the sight. Liam’s smile never failed to make him fall a little bit more in love each time he saw it. He watched as Liam walked over to the tree house, slowly starting to follow him, but mostly just watching as his boyfriend’s happiness seemed to grow the closer he got to the tree house. 

“I’d love to Li.” Niall said with a huge grin. He loved the sight of Liam loooking happy again as he rested against the tree. “Lead the way.” Niall said as he stopped in front of Liam, gesturing toward the ladder. 

[liamthepayne]

Liam just stared down at his hands, shrugging at Niall's words before he nodded, smiling softly, "Welcome." He turned to look at the boy, his smile widening before he nodded. Liam just stared at his boyfriend before he started walking towards the treehouse. He stopped once he reached it and looked up at it. It must have been new, since the wood didn't look rotten. "Do you wanna go up?" He asked, already walking towards the little ladder.

He looked back at Niall and gave him a sweet smile, leaning against the tree before he looked up at the house again. 

I'm Not Good Enough || Niam

Niall frowned as he heard Liam mutter under his breath. “You’re pretty to me.” Niall whispered with a shrug. He smiled softly as Liam called him pretty. “Thank you love.” Niall quietly said back, his voice matching Liam’s in volume.

Niall raised an eyebrow as he saw Liam bite his lip, eyes focused on something. He followed Liam’s gaze to see a tree house nearby. He shook his head as Liam said that he’ll push him on the swings. “We could go check out the treehouse instead Li.” Niall said softly, motioning with his head towards it. He stayed where he was though, waiting for Liam to make a decision in what he wanted to do. 

[liamthepayne]

Liam furrowed his brow a little as Niall said he was too pretty to be frowning. "M'not." He muttered under his breath, slowly shaking his head. He never found himself particularly ugly or anything but he surely wasn't pretty. Not even a bit. "You're pretty." Liam said, his voice clearer now but still quieter than usual. He had the urge to close his eyes for a second, his eyelids suddenly feeling heavy but somehow he couldn't. Liam bit down on his bottom lip, not quite able to tear his eyes away from a tree house he had spotted.

Liam jumped a little at Niall's words, blinking a few times before he turned his torso around slightly so he was able to look at the other male. He just stared at him for a second before he shook his head. "I never liked actually swinging on those things." He said with a soft chuckle before he shrugged and stood up. "I'll push you." He announced with a smile and walked to stand right next to Niall before gesturing to the swing in front of them.

I'm Not Good Enough || Niam

Niall rolled his eyes slightly as Liam apologized. “No need to be sorry love.” He shrugged. “I just think you’re too pretty to be frowning.” Niall continued with a huge grin. His grin only grew as eh saw Liam smile and point at the swings. He couldn’t help but feel a little proud that he got his boyfriend to smile again. Liam’s smile was one of Niall’s favorite things in the world and he had been starting to miss it the last few hours. 

“Want me to push you Li?” Niall asked softly as he followed his boyfriend to the swings. He couldn’t help but smile adoringly at the boy in front of him as he watched his boyfriend just sit quietly on the swing. Niall loved seeing Liam like this, peaceful. It was the greatest sight for him. He would do anything to keep Liam like this, to keep him from being unhappy.

[liamthepayne]

Liam's eyes widened a little in shock as he felt Niall's fingers on his face. He let out a small laugh, "Sorry." He mumbled, shrugging, not actually knowing what he was sorry for but he felt like saying it. He somehow had the urge to apologize again as Niall mentioned that he would make him talk about what's been going on, but he figured he shouldn't. He just looked down at his feet, biting down on his bottom lip as he felt bad because he knew he wouldn't tell Niall. He just couldn't. Liam looked up and smiled softly as he pointed towards the swings, before he walked towards them. He wanted to feel like a kid again; wanted to forget about everything for a moment or two.

Liam sat down on one of the swings, still smiling softly. He didn't even move, just sat there for a few minutes, loving how quiet the park was at this time of the day.

I'm Not Good Enough || Niam

Niall smiled softly as Liam stepped closer to him. “Thank you Li.” He whispered back as he felt an overwhelming amount of love for the boy in front of him flow through him. Niall had no idea what he did so right to deserve someone like Liam, but he was going to make sure that he never took it for granted. He needed to make sure Liam knew how much he loved him. 

Niall pouted slightly as he saw Liam’s smile drop. “Hey, no frowning.” He said softly, reaching up with his hands to playfully try to pull the corners of Liam’s mouth into a smile. Niall smiled softly as he watched Liam close his eyes for a moment. “So I think we could both use some time acting like kids.” Niall suggested, looking around the park for a moment before his eyes returned to Liam. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to make you talk about whatever is going on in your head, but I think you could use some kid time.” Niall said before grinning widely. “So Liam, what’ll it be? Swings? Slide? We can just forget whatever is going on for right now and just play. Just like when we were kids and our biggest problem was a scrape on our knee.”

[liamthepayne]

Liam watched Niall closely. He couldn't help but crack a soft smile at the boys' attempt to fix his messy blonde hair. "It always does." He said quietly, stepping closer to his boyfriend. Niall's hair was one of the many things Liam adored so much; one of the many thing's that made the younger male perfect. Just too perfect for someone as flawed as Liam.

Liam nodded, smiling as he saw Niall's happy smile. He frowned just a second later at the boys' words. He still didn't understand why anybody would be happy to have him around. He gave a slight nod, letting his boyfriend pull him towards the park. Once they reached it, Liam took in a shaky breath, closing his eyes. It smelled of wet leaves; 'Autumn' Liam thought to himself before he opened his eyes again.

I'm Not Good Enough || Niam

“Oh.” Niall said, automatically moving his free hand up to try to fix his hair. “Does it look okay now?” Niall asked, turning to Liam as he tried to flatten down his impossible blonde hair. 

Niall looked at Liam as his boyfriend asked him if he was okay. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” He said, smiling happily at the other boy. “I’m with you after all.” Niall said brightly, squeezing Liam’s hand gently. “Now come on, I want to play on the swings.” Niall cheerily said, pulling Liam faster to the park. 

[liamthepayne]

Liam closed his eyes for a second as he felt Niall's hand in his hair, loving the tingly feeling it was giving him. He just chuckled, shrugging. "Your hair is messy." He mumbled, a fond smile on his lips. He let Niall pull him to the front door, looking around a little. As they walked through the door, Liam pulled Niall towards the direction of the only park he knew.

"Are you okay?" Liam asked, looking over at Niall with a somewhat sad smile. He, at least, wanted his boyfriend to be happy, if he wasn't. He felt like he needed to know Niall actually wanted to be with him, but he was too afraid of what the answer would be.

I'm Not Good Enough || Niam

Niall nodded as Liam suggested going to the park. “A park sounds good. They’re pretty peaceful at night.” Niall said, smiling as he followed Liam into the elevator. He leaned against the wall next to Liam, reaching over to run his hand through Liam’s hair, just once as if on instinct. 

Niall raised an eyebrow when he saw Liam just smiling at him. “What?” He asked uncertainly. Niall fidgeted for a second under Liam’s gaze before the elevator pinged and the doors opened. He grabbed Liam’s hand, squeezing softly as he pulled his boyfriend toward the front doors of their building. 

[liamthepayne]

Liam nodded, closing the door behind him before he followed Niall. "A park, maybe." He said quietly with a shrug. "But we could just walk around as well." He quickly added, looking at Niall to see if he was okay with it. He sighed as he walked into the elevator and leaned against the wall. It was cool and it felt like it helped him relax a little. He forced himself to not close his eyes, keeping them glued on his boyfriend.

A small smile formed on his face as he couldn't help but notice how messy Niall's hair looked. It was one of those things that never changed. Just one thing of a million that Liam loved about Niall.

I'm Not Good Enough || Niam

Niall smiled softly as he followed Liam out of the bedroom, grabbing his phone and wallet from the coffee table on his way to the door. “Thank you.” He said softly as Liam held the door open for him. 

“Do you have anywhere in mind Li? Or just feel like walking around for awhile?” Niall asked his boyfriend as they waited for the elevator. He didn’t really care where they went as long as they had some time alone. No matter how much Liam tried to hide it, Niall knew the other boy wasn’t okay and he knew he had to talk to Liam about it.

[liamthepayne]

Liam couldn't help but smile as Niall said he wanted to come with him. He mumbled a quick "Good." and sat down on the bed. He still felt weak every so often. He watched Niall and hoped the fresh air would make him feel better. He stood up and walked back towards his previous spot as he saw Niall was almost done changing. He nodded and started walking out of the bedroom and towards the door.

Liam opened the door and waited for Niall to walk out, quickly grabbing his wallet off the little table next to the door. He didn't feel the need to take his phone with him since he really wasn't keen on talking to anybody. Though he knew he had to talk to Niall to make the younger boy believe he was feeling alright now.

I'm Not Good Enough || Niam

Niall nodded slightly as Liam said he’d rather go outside, giving the other boy a small smile. “I want to Li.” Niall said quietly, trying to reassure the other boy. “Fresh air sounds great right now actually.” 

Niall watched as Liam put on pants and a hoddie, walking over to his drawers and grabbing sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt, slipping a pair of his sneakers on after. Niall smiled brightly back at Liam as his boyfriend gave him a weak smile. “Well lead the way babe.” Niall said as he walked back over to Liam.

[liamthepayne]

Liam shook his head, but couldn't help but let Niall drag him toward the bed. "I'd rather go outside." He said quietly, looking at Niall. He needed to get his mind off things. He felt like he was going insane. Like all he did was sleep for the past month. "Can we please go outside?" He asked, letting go of Niall's hand. "Y-You don't have to come if you don't want to." He added as an after thought, not wanting Niall to feel obligated to be with him.

Liam walked over to his closet and put on some pants and a somewhat wide hoddie. He shivered, feeling a little cold all of a sudden. He turned around to look at his boyfriend, giving him a weak smile.

I'm Not Good Enough || Niam

Niall stood up as Liam went to wash his mouth and face, frowning at his boyfriend in concern. His frown grew deeper as Liam apologized, shaking his head as he wrapped his own arms around the older boy. “You have nothing to apologize for Li.” Niall whispered, kissing Liam’s forehead before he pulled away.

“I love you too Liam.” Niall whispered as he let Liam lead him into the bedroom. He squeezed his boyfriend’s hand firmly as they reached their bedroom. “Let’s just lay down for a bit baby.” Niall said as he gently tugged on Liam’s hand toward the direction of the bed.

[liamthepayne]

Liam placed his hands on the toilet seat and threw up. He instantly felt better when he heard Niall's voice and felt the boy rub his back. A smile was about to form on his face before he tightened his grip and frowned. He threw up one more time before he sat up straight and stood up slowly. He walked over to the sink and washed his mouth and face. "I-I'm s-sorry." He stuttered weakly as he turned to look at Niall. "Bedroom." He whispered and stepped closer to Niall, wrapping his arms around the younger male.

"I love you." Liam mumbled before he pulled away and grabbed Niall's hand. He gave him a weak smile and turned around to walk out of the bathroom.

I'm Not Good Enough || Niam

Niall bit his lip as he saw Liam shiver, resisting the urge to just pull Liam back into his arms. He hated this, feeling unsure of how to behave around Liam. He was supposed to be protecting Liam, comforting him and the fact that he couldn’t was driving him insane. He had always been the one with the protective streak and as he watched Liam curl into himself and bite his lip to the point of bleeding the protective streak only got more intense.

He frowned deeply as he watched Liam jump off the bed. It wasn’t a second after Liam walked into the bathroom that Niall quickly followed. Niall dropped to his knees next to his boyfriend, rubbing the other boy’s back as he gagged into the toilet. “It’s okay baby, it’s okay.” Niall whispered as he continued his hand movements. “Just let it out.”

[liamthepayne]

Liam pressed his chin towards his own body, making an attempt to curl up like a ball, his hands refusing to move their positions though. He closed his again, shivering a little. "W-Why weren't y-you sleeping?" He asked, his voice muffled and shaky. He bit down on his bottom lip hard, forcing back the urge to run into the bathroom. He pressed his eyes shut again and released his lip, tasting blood. He couldn't help but gag at the vile taste. He hated smelling blood, tasting it was even worse.

"I-I.." Liam stuttered as he quickly got out of bed. "Bathroom." He whispered, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip again; hoping it was stop him from gagging some more. Surprisingly, it worked. He got on his feet and walked into the bathroom, shuffling his feet. Once he reached the toilet, he kneeled down in front of it and, yet again, released his bottom lip and instantly started gagging again.

I'm Not Good Enough || Niam

Niall held Liam tightly, eyes glued to his boyfriend’s body as it shook in his arms. He just continued to make shushing noises, rubbing Liam’s back in an effort to help calm the other boy. Niall hated seeing his boyfriend like this, wishing he could do more to help the older boy.

Niall pulled Liam as close as he could when he felt Liam wrap an arm around his waist, keeping him as close as he could. He didn’t loosen his grip even when Liam relaxed a bit in his arms, his sobbing finally stopping. “No baby.” Niall whispered, staring down at Liam as he apologized for waking him up. “Don’t apologize for needing comfort. That’s what I’m here for baby.” He frowned as Liam pulled his knees up to his chest, separating them as he did so. “Besides, I wasn’t really asleep anyway.” Niall moved his hand to run it through Liam’s hair, stroking it softly. “Relax baby, it’s all okay.”

[liamthepayne]

Liam fisted Niall's shirt, his eyes pressed closed. He whimpered every time he heard a crack and tugged on the younger male's shirt; like a chain reaction he couldn't control. He instantly calmed down a bit when he felt Niall's hands through his hair. He wrapped one of his hands around Niall's torso and tried pulling him even closer, craving his warmth. His sobs grew quiet after a few minutes and he rubbed his eyes roughly with the back of his hand before gripping Niall's shirt again.

"I-I'm s-sorry I w-woke you u-up." Liam stuttered quietly, looking up at his boyfriend; his eyes red and puffy. He gave him an apologizing look and pulled his knees into his chest as he felt like he was about the throw up again. Guilt creeping back into his body.

I'm Not Good Enough || Niam

Niall held tightly on to Liam as he continued to silently cry. He knew he couldn’t wake up Liam but he couldn’t stop the tears from falling. It took him almost an hour to finally calm down and lightly doze off. He hadn’t been asleep more than five minutes when he was woken up by Liam jumping in his arms. Niall tightened his grip on the other boy as he started to become aware of everything around him. 

It wasn’t until another crack sounded, making both he and Liam jump that Niall realized that there was a thunderstorm going on outside. “Shh baby. It’s okay.” Niall whispered as he turned his attention back to Liam. Niall pulled Liam as close as he could, running his hands through the other boy’s hair to try to soothe him.