lifeseenbyme

[lifeseenbyme]

you are like like moonlight on water—there, but never held.

[lifeseenbyme]

It’s nearly 1:00 am

I’m awake

After a couple hours of sleep

Sleep that I fell into after silently crying

There are no more tears now

Just a hollowness

A hole that can’t seem to be filled

I know this place

I’ve been here countless times

Dark shadows envelop me

Whispering that this is home

This place I have lived since childhood

With only small vacations elsewhere

I return to what I know

The emptiness welcoming me

I take a deep breath

There is some form of comfort in the despair

[lifeseenbyme]

“The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself.”

— Maya Angelou

[lifeseenbyme]

My aunt let me know that my step mother is actively dying

She will be gone within the next 24 to 48 hours

I have a full work day today, eight appointments and my DBT group

I can’t go be with my dad and it’s killing me

I’ll go tomorrow but I’m afraid it will be too late

The emotions are taking their toll

I’m so tired and all I want to do is cry

[lifeseenbyme]

Let’s talk about anything and everything

Let me peek at your soul and highlight my favorite parts

You deserve to be seen

For all that you are

Open up and I will offer you a home

[lifeseenbyme]

I hold you in the space between hopes and dreams

Where the “what ifs” haunt the now

I see you when my eyelids close

A vision of desire for something more

But you and I have never met

Perhaps we never will

Still you remain a constant in my mind

The one life keeps just out of my reach

I suppose you are nothing but a figment of my imagination

A ghost of yet to come

That never will be

[lifeseenbyme]

Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, from a letter featured in The Life & Letters of Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

[lifeseenbyme]

On some level I still have the tiniest bit of hope that someway I can pull myself out of this downward spiral, find myself and have a life I actually want to live. It’s somewhat annoying how the hope won’t completely disappear. I think it would make giving up so much easier if all hope was lost. But no, that minuscule molecule of hope sits in my chest, keeping me moving forward. Towards what, I don’t know. But forward I go.

[lifeseenbyme]

“You don’t get to push people away and then complain that you’re lonely”, I tell myself all the time. My actions have consequences and my current situation is the result of me refusing to let anyone close, refusing to reach out and be assertive in my desire for connection. I let myself get here and now it’s up to me to find a way out, if I can figure out how to do so. It’s really fucking hard to be vulnerable though. Rejection is a bitch.

[lifeseenbyme]

“I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps but other people emphasize my loneliness.”

— Anais Nin

[lifeseenbyme]

I heard her moan and cry through the wall as my dad updated me on her condition. His wife is declining rapidly after the strokes. He let me know they are going to send someone to the house to assess her for hospice services. She needs them. Her pain is excruciating and she can’t swallow the pain pills. She is suffering and my dad is suffering with her. I can’t do much more than sit with them on the weekends and let them know they are loved. I wish I could do more, make it easier some how. Yet, grief and loss are never easy, I know that all too well. So I will show up when I can and do what I can. I’ll support in whatever way is feasible, all while knowing this is going to be hell.

[lifeseenbyme]

An insufferable ache claims my heart

Preventing a normal rhythm

Verbal paralysis keeping me isolated

Reminding my soul of its place

Nocturnal whispers haunting my mind

Ruminations of the darkest variety

Recollections of times long past

Reminders of all that gets in the way

Here I lay with the corpse of lost hope

Waiting for life’s next lashing

Consumed by the want of impossible dreams

I succumb to the hollowness within

[lifeseenbyme]

You don’t have to like what I write

Half the time I don’t really like what I write

It’s simply a release

A way to get the words out of my head

Even when I know no one is listening

Even when I assume no one cares

At least the words are out

Giving me enough of a breath to keep going

Until the words build up again

Leading me here

To the space I let it all go

Into the darkness

Into the void

[lifeseenbyme]

I cried in therapy today

Let the emotion trickle down my cheeks

Vulnerable and raw

I admitted that I’m not sure I want to get better

That I feel like a life worth living is out of my reach

So why try?

My therapist did the therapist thing and had me check the facts

Use skills and make goals

All the while I cried

I’m functioning for the most part

But I’m not really living

I don’t think I know how to do that

So I just keep going

Surviving each day and doing my best to not cause harm

It’s exhausting

Hence the tears

[lifeseenbyme]

June was slowly bleeding into July

The heat in the air burning my lungs as I took deep breaths

Trying my best to calm the energy crackling under my skin

“Things will be okay Em, things will be okay”

I whisper to myself again and again

Knowing that the risk of things not being okay is too high to acknowledge

Life has always been hard

But I’ve learned to cope like the best of them

I’ve learned to compartmentalize

Now I walk through a park internally shaking

My skin wet with dripping sweat

Spending time between appointments where I have to be put together

I allow myself to somewhat fall apart

I know I can’t do this alone

I also know I won’t allow myself to ask for help

It’s a curse I keep alive

So I just continue breathing in the too warm air

Hoping somehow

Someday

Someway

Someone will offer me comfort and support

[lifeseenbyme]

L. V., excerpts from a past life

[lifeseenbyme]

My therapist wants me to call for skills coaching

I can’t get myself to do it

I don’t want to do it

She explained all the reasons why I should

And in the end, I still don’t call

Week after week she sets the goal for me

Week after week I don’t meet it

I don’t ask for help in my day to day life, from anyone

I know the skills

I use the skills

I refuse to call

Perhaps that makes me a bad client

I’m sure she is getting frustrated

Yet, still I don’t call

I can’t call

It’s rather sad I suppose

I insist on being alone