lightleelandslost

[lightleelandslost]

we dumped tea into the harbor for less

[lightleelandslost]

Just anxious and wanting to put this out there

Hey, I don't post here ever. Though I probably should, I feel like it would help me be my authentic self. Anyways I am kind of in crisis mode. This is long but, I need to put it somewhere.

So recently I've triumphed in my Insta account, successfully removing homophobic family and friends so that I could have a social space that felt like mine. I've finally been posting what I want to post, without really worrying about who would see it and how they would react. I've also joined LGBTQ+ friendship groups and have slowly building up the confidence to comment and post occasionally.

I was comfortable, I felt safe and so when a random friendship request came in that didn't immediately raise red flags, I accepted. We talked for a couple days and though a couple things stand out now, they didn't in the moment. We had some things in common and she was easy to talk to. When she sent private photos, I reciprocated even though I wasn't quite ready at that point. But I was lonely and uncomfortable with my body, but the fact that someone wanted to see me made me happy.

Now she threatens to expose them unless I send money.

I, of course, immediately blocked and reported that account and then spiraled into a storm of anxiety that makes me want to delete social media altogether. I think (hope) that they are empty threats. She says she'll send them to my boss and my family and days later nothing has happened. Today she stared a random group chat (under a different account) with strangers (???) and claimed she was going to send them with threats to add more people after she'd already sent them. I've blocked and reported this account as well (which again is passable as a real account at first glance). I took screenshots of those threats, just in case I need them in the future. Insta has not reported any change in their account status, but i'm not expecting much help from them.

I spent 20 minutes searching in a panic trying to find advice for what to do in this situation. Trying to find reddit threads, insta advice, anything advising what to do in this situation until i finally found this very basic advice.

I knew that paying them wouldn't help at all (a. I'm poor, there's nothing in these pockets, b. they'd probably just ask for more down the line) also they never sent demands, just threats and devil emojis. I figure that if this person was going to do anything they would've done something more meaningful by now. So that leaves me to play whack-a-mole and how much anxiety till my heart gives out until they finally give up. If they do send them out I will explain myself, it will be uncomfortable but if they're actually decent people/friends they will be understanding and hopefully supportive.

I do not wish this sort of thing upon my worst enemy. I can't put into words how fast my heart rate and anxiety rise when an insta notification comes through my phone. I hope that this is over soon so that I can build myself up again to where I was before.

I was vulnerable, lonely, looking for a friend, and trying to fit in. I am trying to be kind to myself in this situation but it is hard. I want so badly to shut myself completely out and never try this sort of thing again but I know that this stuff would find its way through anyways and how social media can help connect people with true friends and family. In the future I will be more vigilant and cautious. In the same breath I hope that I am able to be vulnerable again, I have trouble with this, and learn that setting boundaries is okay.

I'm sharing this to A. put everything into words and talk myself through everything that's going on (therapist's on leave, nobody else to talk to) and B. to let others that have gone through the same situation know that they are not alone, this stuff happens sometimes.

All the love

[lightleelandslost]

Say hello to Artie! 

[lightleelandslost]

Home sickness

Missing home a lot today, something that I never really thought would happen because I know that I can never truly be myself back home. I guess I just miss the familiarity of it and probably my cat. I knew what to expect from pretty much everything from food to entertainment. I’ve never been a particularly social person so I mostly just kept to myself and didn’t really need to navigate through anything. Here I am constantly surprised by the food (positively or negatively), I never know where I stand socially with anyone, and I’m navigating a whole new world. There is excitement in that but also a great deal of fear. Sometimes they rule over one another the home sickness when I’m stressed about other things and the excitement when I go out and try something new. So I guess the solution is out there somewhere, maybe just keeping myself busy and my mind occupied is a big part of it. Anywho, enough of that. I’ll follow with some picks of my cat.  

[lightleelandslost]

Intro

It took me a long time to find myself, or begin to find myself I guess. A lot of lessons learned and a lot of changes made. I recently moved to England to do my masters but this blog is more about my progress through life.