lighttoseanmoon

[lighttoseanmoon]

I feel so powerless. The only thing I can do is cry. I can’t even pray… it doesn’t feel right to pray to a something that would allow this violence. We are all complicit to this genocide. We have allowed this.

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.”

I feel like we’re at a point where the proletariat no longer has power. Maybe we never did have power. And maybe I won’t feel like that tomorrow. But today seeing the devastation of Palestine. Waking up to seeing their wailing. Today I feel powerless.

[lighttoseanmoon]

Is anyone listening?

I haven’t written anything in such a long time but I honestly need somewhere to just let all my thoughts out. Incoherent as they may be.  

Today I started thinking about how I feel like no one listens anymore.  How I feel unheard.  I feel like no one wants to listen to someone’s story anymore. 

I’m not talking about a dialogue, I’m talking about someone wanting to share a piece of themselves, wanting to share in something, a story, anecdote, something they recently learned and the person “listening” will automatically start thinking of how that relates to them and interrupts or waits for the moment the other takes a breath to talk about their story/anecdote.  

Because this happens to me 90% of the time, especially at home, I’ve learned to just let go of what I wanted to say and opt to let the other person say whatever they want to say.  Sometimes they’ll come back with “oh yeah you were saying” and I’ll just say divert to some other trivial topic or thing with an “oh yeah...look at this thing” or “isn’t the weather nice?” because I no longer have a desire to share or feel as though I’ll be interrupted again.  

I’ve started to feel all of those stories, opinions, anecdotes, things i’ve learned start to pile up inside me to the point where I want to cry because NO ONE LISTENS/HEARS ME. I feel like I have no one to confide in, no one to listen to me.  I guess that’s why some people journal, right?  Because we all need an outlet and people are not good listener...or are just plain shitty.  

It’s weird I’ve always had this luck where people want to just tell me their life story and some times tell me things that should not be confided in someone that you just met (like this time a woman told me she wanted to leave her husband and I had just met her but we were working side by side at this factory job I had so I ended up just listening to her whole story) and I try my best to listen, pay attention, ensure they know they’re being heard even if not understood. I’m not going to say that I’m not guilty of interrupting people or that i’m a better listener than others.  I’m just ranting about how I feel. 

[lighttoseanmoon]

[lighttoseanmoon]

Life is not a Rom-Com

‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:26 PM] Luna:

all jokes aside i think him and i /would/ be good together but idek what that means really

and idk that he sees the same thing that i see

[‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:28 PM] "J":

if that is the case, then you should really take a look at it from afar

put your scared feelings away and really think if you actually feel super romantic love feelings for him

because with him, that is what you are asking for

[‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:29 PM] Luna:

I honestly don't know how to do that haha

and idk what i want with him...

i think it's a crush that went on for too long

[‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:29 PM] "J":

haha you're trying to search for what you actually want with him

i get it, it can be hard because it's been so long since you've had a bf

but honestly crushes are so elementary

and they just become obsessive things. and then when things get real, you're actually not interested

and that is actually the worst because then you really did just eff your friend over

[‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:31 PM] Luna:

exactly so in order to not mess anything up

i just stay quiet~

since IDEK what i want...

it's a win~ no one gets hurt!

[‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:31 PM] "J":

do you actually like him enough to tell him one day, any day, maybe even on your deathbed day. or do you actually not like him?

[‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:32 PM] Luna:

he wouldn't be good for me

it wouldn't work...

everyone thinks it's a really bad idea

[‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:32 PM] "J":

why are you saying this now?

[‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:33 PM] Luna:

because it's the truth

[‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:33 PM] "J":

who is everyone?

[‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:33 PM] Luna:

friends around me

say that he doesn't see me that way and that i need to let it go

i'm gonna be honest...idk what i'm saying right now

because the answer is somewhere deep within me

and it's refusing to come out

I've been hurt a lot by falling for the wrong guy

so my heart is closed off to telling me the real answer

i think i was heading towards revealing something but my heart/mind stopped me

it's stuck in my throat

it's gonna stay there for a while

i know the answer...i just can't say it

[‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:40 PM] "J":

haha you're just typing it

better now than never

[‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:41 PM] Luna:

lol deep down i'm a helpless romantic so i think both you and i know what my heart thinks is the answer

whether that's real or a fantasy i can't tell

[‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:41 PM] "J":

no, i don't, actually.

[‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:41 PM] Luna:

which is why it's better to just keep it a secret from him

[‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:42 PM] "J":

what secret??

[‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:42 PM] Luna:

the fact that i really like him

and i've been trying to fight it basically ever since i met him

ever since he told me he wasn't interested in me

because i took that for what it was...which is how i should take it

because if a guy /actually/ wants to be with you he will tell you he does and won't hide it from you

and won't treat you like a friend.

and thinking otherwise is not listening to all the signs that point at the fact that he doesn't really see you that way

and like the movie says "he's just not that into you"

because real life isn't like a rom-com where he'll wake up suddenly missing me, wanting to be with me

because in real life he'll probably never wake up to realize that maybe we would have been good together

or maybe not...but we never gave each other the chance

[‎11/‎25/‎2015 2:46 PM] "J":

... that sounded exactly like a commentary excerpt.. from a romcom. like that opening line of a really great romcom movie

-LuzMar&Luna

[lighttoseanmoon]

Soulmate?

I don’t really think I’m going to meet that one person who I’ll really like and want to be with “forever”. I probably already met him and was too busy sabotaging my own life by “falling in love” with guys I knew were unattainable. I also probably did this due to an inexplicable (unconscious/unknown to me) issue that I have with relationships/falling in love. Though I may have reached a point where I’m ok with that… I guess I’ll be Tita and take care of my mom forever since I’m the youngest daughter anyway haha

-LuzMar&Luna

[lighttoseanmoon]

OMG! This is so me! TT.TT

friendly reminder that if i have ever befriended you and have not spoken to you in a while it’s nothing you’ve done wrong it’s just because i’m a piece of shit at keeping in contact with people and i still love you okay good

[lighttoseanmoon]

We Broke Up

It’s really sad when you get to a point where it is necessary to draw a line between before and after on a friendship.  

I’ve considered myself to be a good friend and to have tried my best at being there for the people I care about.  Though I’m definitely not perfect; my devotion has been such that now, that I’m at the “after” stage, I’ve realized I made poor choices and gave more of myself than I should have.  

I pride myself in being someone that doesn’t like to start or be part of drama, although I do enjoy watching it (not gonna lie~).  Now that I’m older I realize there are certain people that I really need to cut out of my life because it is exhausting to have them in it and just...not worth it.

Two people in particular come to mind; one of them I cut out of my life a few years ago and, although it hurt, it was for the best.  In order to end my obsession, which I had confused with love, and to be able to move on and not burden this person any more.  Also because, in the grand scheme of things, he was kind of a shitty friend. Don’t get me wrong he was amazing to hang out with, great personality, creative and positive.  He was there for me at the beginning of our friendship but when things took a hard turn for me it was really hard to keep the friendship going and I started realizing that he used people/was opportunistic, petty and dishonest.  I don’t know if he has realized himself that he was that way (or still might be) and since I’m no longer a friend it isn’t my job to know or care any more.  Sadly I’ve recently realized that his sister is kind of the same way and although I would like to think that we had a friendship in which I could talk to her about this I now know we don’t. 

It’s been hard to maintain our friendship; although at the beginning we tried. Life has taken us in different directions and I do wish her the best but I also wish our friendship had grown to a place where I would feel comfortable letting her know the things that I think have ruined our friendship.  I’m not going to pretend that I’ve been the best friend ever and that there aren’t things that I needed/still need to work on. 

One of those things that I recently discovered and my friends laughed at me for /just/ realizing is that I’m a flake! (I only realized it because I watched FRIENDS and totally identified with Phoebe haha).  I told my best friends and they laughed at me and said “well duh! that’s why we always put you as a maybe”.  Since I now know about this I’ve been trying to make it to anything they invite me to~ As of now I’m 3 for 3 on the events.

Anyway I feel like our friendship began deteriorating because, like with her brother, it is proximity that drives their friendships and their ability to utilize whatever their “friends” can offer.  Since I’m flaky and wouldn’t really show up to catch up or wouldn’t follow through on some events we started to drift apart but I thought we were still good friends.  I began realizing that I was no longer in the “inner circle” when her boyfriend proposed to her and I wasn’t there to witness it (which I totally understand 1. I’m not close with him 2. Her brother would be there).  However I still thought we were good friends since we would talk about her plans for the wedding and I had offered my support and help when it came to doing manual labor (aka creating decorations) for it.  

I must confess I was dreading the idea to be asked to be a bridesmaid because as much as I like her I’m sure she’s going to be a bridezilla (everyone of my friends is expecting the same thing so I know I’m not totally wrong in thinking it).  I was very relieved when I found out, through Facebook, she had picked them and I wasn’t part of them.  I even texted to congratulate her on picking a date and was met with a very cold response.  I realized she must have thought I was trying to get invited when I prodded further and received the “it’s going to be a small event” response.  To be honest I was very offended and the Latina in me wanted to respond with “Bitch I was just congratulating you I’m not asking for a damn invitation. Shit!” but I kept it together and just let it go.  I figured she was stressed and I had originally not thought I’d be invited since her brother and I are not in speaking in terms.  I had expected though that since we were close friends we’d talk about it and not in an awkward way but I saw the conversation going something like

Her: “I’m sure you understand why you’re not invited. Family is family and I don’t want any awkwardness or drama to taint my day”

Me:  “No worries, I figured that’s how it would go down because I would have done the same thing” 

The end. Nothing more needed to be said we could have moved on and kept on drinking our coffee or having dinner or whatever.  That conversation never happened and instead we haven’t talked in months. Actually that’s a lie; we talked about a week ago and that conversation is the one that made me decide to cut her out of my life.  

It went down like this I’m a HUGE fan of a KPOP band called BIG BANG and they’re going to have their U.S. concerts in October.  I made plans with a few friends to go to Las Vegas and 3 of us are going to go to the concert while the others go to Cirque du Soleil. Anyway I had a very tough decision to make; I could buy the VIP tickets that were $600+ and be by myself in the front or I could buy regular tickets and sit with my other two friends enjoying the experience together (it’d be our first BB concert ever) so I decided to buy the regular ones to be with my friends. I posted on FB that the VIP tickets were really expensive and a few people commented thinking that I wasn’t going to attend at all, one of them, was her.  I mentioned that I would be going but only bought the regular tickets and to this she proceeded to private message me, keep in mind she hasn’t talked to me in months and was not very forthcoming when I texted to congratulate her, to let me know that her and her siblings bought the VIP tickets.  I was infuriated because it is so her and so petty of her to do something like that.  My friends would describe that as cunty and the friends that I told were actually not surprised that she’d do something like that.  

I actually cried to one of them, who I respect a lot, not because of what she said but the action of sending me a message to rub in my face that she got better tickets than me.  I didn’t understand and I still don’t understand what I did to her that was so wrong that she would attack me in that way; because I feel attacked.  And that same friend asked me what I was going to do about it, she said I should stop complaining and cut her out of my life if that’s how I felt. So I’m taking her advise and cutting this person out of my life, my friend also recommended I write a break up letter describing how I felt and the reasons for the “break up” and that I didn’t have to share it with this person but that it would help me get it all out and so that’s what I’m doing.  

I’m writing this letter to let her know that I felt attacked and hurt and that I don’t need that.  I don’t need to feel that way. I’m an adult and I choose to not have such people in my life.  People that only want to use me, would talk behind my back, would try to come between me and my very best friend (that’s another story I recently found out luckily my best friend/sister knows me better than that), and would attack me in something that she knows I love. 

So goodbye I wish you and your family the very best and I hope you’re able to continue with other friendships in a genuine way.  I hope I was the anomaly and not the norm in your friendships.  I still care about you and your siblings. You guys will always have a place in my heart because, although I’ve been hurt, it was not all bad with you.  In fact, some of the best memories I have of college are with you all so thank you for that but now our time is done. 

“People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime”

Goodbye B.

-LuzMar&Luna

[lighttoseanmoon]

Doesn’t it say “I promise to LOVE you”? -head scratch-

I PROMISE TO HAVE YOU #gd #gdragon #kwonjiyong #kwonleader #jiyong #ibgdrgn #xxxibgdrgn #peaceminusone #bb #bigbang

[lighttoseanmoon]

Un-

Been reflecting on my love life or rather lack thereof and began thinking of my childhood a lot and I guess my subconscious caught up with it because I had a pretty bizarre dream where the kid who I had a crush on for THE longest time when I was younger...actually went out with me.

Now, to some people, this might not be a big deal but to me it meant EVERYTHING because I have felt unpretty, unwanted, undesired, unloved, and unreciprocated forever! 

My friends have a theory that I like to “fall” for people that I know can’t love me back because deep down I have a fear of....something... I don’t really know what I supposedly (or realistically) am afraid of.  

Anyway, really I just wanted to share what a dream can do...the power of our mind. I woke up happy, loved, and ready to fall in love again.  I don’t know what will happen or who I will meet but hopefully this feeling stays with me for a long time. 

[lighttoseanmoon]

SAME HERE!! That was the first one I watched too!!! 

[lighttoseanmoon]

The flower doesn’t dream of the bee. It blossoms and the bee comes.

Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening  (via heathersagirl)

[lighttoseanmoon]

"I don’t remember falling in love with you. I just remember holding your hand and realizing how much it was going to hurt when I would have to let go” Journal entry 11/12/14

#quotes i like #how i felt #shiet who dug through my thoughts?

[lighttoseanmoon]

In order to rise From its own ashes A phoenix First Must Burn.

Octavia E. Butler,

Parable of the Talents

(via autistpsyche)

[lighttoseanmoon]

OK BUT CAN WE PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO APPRECIATE THIS GIF

[lighttoseanmoon]

Am I the only one that understood that Kiara was talking about herself? What I understood (also from the subtitles) was that she said anyone who ISN'T "black, color or not American" wouldn't win.... meaning she was talking about herself and that maybe someone is biased in favor of black/color/American girls.  I don't watch this show...IDEK what the show is but, from the clip, it looks like her comments were taken out of context.

Naomi puts racist Russian model Kiara’s ass on blast!

[lighttoseanmoon]

[lighttoseanmoon]

bigbangissex:

and then he kills you.

I still need to watch IRIS

that awkward moment when TOP is being romantic...