lilithdiamondreincarnate-blog

[lilithdiamondreincarnate-blog]

My life story

So uhm, hi people  

Sorry if this is a messy post It’s my first time posting on a sort of social media. Anyway, I guess i’ll start by introducing myself.

I am a 17 years old, biological boy, currently living with my father. Ever since i was a child (9-10) i found myself being really into “girly things”, like dressing up in my sister’s clothes, playing with barbies and having long hair, and i never really understood why.

At the time, i was living in the house of my mom’s bf at the time. He kept me in the basement and would only let me go upstairs to see my mother when it was time to eat (between 7:45 and 8pm). And i was not allowed to have any drinks or snacks in the basement. He was way older than my mother and he forced my mom to divorce my dad, just so he could have her to himself. He hated both me and my sister because he didn’t want anyone to take the attention away from my mother and we weren’t biologically related to him. My mother had insanely low self-esteem and her boyfriend was extremely abusive. Because of that, she ended up hating herself. She only had children because my father’s family wanted her to have a boy. she hated both of us and my sister hated my mother because she refused to leave her boyfriend (he would either threaten her or beg for forgiveness whenever she tried to leave him).

He would regularly call my sister a whore because she spend most of her time outside of the house because she couldn’t handle the way things were at his house. She had a curfew of 7-8 pm, i can’t remember, and if she came, literally a minute late, he would refuse to open the door and would scream at her through the window. My sister sometimes slept next to the door and wait for him to fall asleep so my mom, or me, would open her the door and let her inside.

Long story short, she ended up running away from home at 16, to her boyfriend’s house.

I had nothing to do all day because my sister was never home (she lived in the basement with me), my mother wasn’t allowed to talk to me, i only saw my father on the weekends, (he worked from 5 am to 12 am, almost everyday) and i hated school so my uncle actually gave me an unused laptop that he had, just so i would have something to do and something that i can spend my time on. Because of that, i found out what “porn” was, a lot sooner than the other kids, and i ended up being obsessed with my sexuality and my appearance. At the time, i was obese and i had never learned how to talk to other kids, so i was completely cast aside on the playground and i had an intense hatred of myself.

One day, i was browsing the web and i found a youtube video about a little boy that was about 11-12 that was transitioning into being a women. At that moment i thought that i had finally found the answer to my problems, all i needed was my parents approval. As soon as i talked to my dad about it, he beat me until i bled and called me a disappointment. He only stopped beating me because my sister managed to break the lock of the door and push him away from me. When i told my mom about it, she laughed and left the room.

My sister was my hero and i would always try to copy her. (she was also pretty much the only person i talked to). She loved to draw and paint, so i would steal her paints and use them when she wasn’t around. I was never good at it but i really wanted to be.

This situation lasted 6-7 years, until my mom finally decided to move out. She moved to an apartment for 2-3 years, before she returned back to him.

At the same time, my father got married to a horrific woman that he knew for 6 months, just so he would have someone to be able to pay a house with him. She absolutely despised children and she would beat me at any chance she had, she would throw food in my face if i looked at her during meals and she would throw a tantrum if i dared to speak at the table, unless if she explicitly asked me a question, only then could i give her the shortest possible answer as to not waste her time. She would feed me with only the worse parts of her dishes and wouldn’t allow me to leave the table until everyone was done. (between 45-60 minutes per meal). God, i really don’t wanna remember that. Long story short, for the 5 years that my dad was married to her, my life was hell. It all ended when my dad found out that she was cheating on him, and she “broke up” with him.

Throughout all of this, i only had my paintings and my video games in mind, i would always crossdress and would fantasies about what it would feel like to be a real woman. It’s everything i have in mind almost constantly. I always wanted to grow out my hair but my dad always forced me to cut it. I finally got the courage to grow it out about 3 years ago. I had a tripwire toy that would wake me up if my door opened during the night, because my stepmom would try to cut it while i was asleep. I also saved up money to buy myself more girly clothes and i obviously hid them from my family but i would secretly wear them almost everyday.

I was diagnosed with ADHD and General Anxiety as a child, which developped into a Depression as a teen.(i haven’t been to my mom’s bf’s house eversince i got the diagnostic, because he doesn’t want to be near “an attention whore faggot that tried to kill himself for attention”)  I am finally on medication for my depression (about 3 months now)

Eventho i couldn’t have the hormone therapy as a child, i want to have it before i start growing a beard. I am currently trying to find a more efficient way to sell my art (i’m only selling it to people i know in person) and i was wondering if i could do that on tumblr. If there is, then please let me know, because no job wants to accept me and i’m scared to do jobs that are physical by fear that it will raise my testosterone and also because i have a faulty knee and a weak heart. (it’s not really an issue, as long as i sit down often and use my cane). I’m just trying to save up to be able to afford all the fees that comes with the hormone therapy and surgery for my knee. On top of that, i want to be able to move into an apartment with my friend as soon as i turn 18.

So far, i’ve amassed 1115$ from selling art, saving lunch and birthday money (from my grandparents), and a few “side jobs”. It’s still a long way to go so if you have any tips, just let me know. I’m not a great artist but if you ever want anything, i could try my best, even 3$ a day is better for me than nothing.

Nobody in my life knows the extent of my obsession to become a woman, which is why i tried to give as little details as possible, in case they find this post.

I’m really sorry if this is really messy, i just never really wrote down my entire life like this before. if you have any questions, i would be more than happy to answer them.