liltoolate - Tumblr blog

[liltoolate]

AJG

I had a dream last night where you were upset about me hanging out with and making a special trip to see them. I don't know how to take that. But i think it made me realize that there are other people out there who could and would care for me now. I don't have to sit around and wait for you to decide if we are or aren't a good fit.

[liltoolate]

K -

I know my mom at least mentioned that I have depression, probably didn't tell you to what extent.

But that's something that's been weighing on me a lot lately. I take what people think/say/do a little too seriously. I take it to heart too often. And like from an outside perspective, I know that it's lame to try to deal with - but I feel like I'm drowning. Like I'm suffocating. And I'm trying to be a good teammate, but sometimes I just...?

I just kind of fade out and try to get the other teams out of hiding to end the game faster because I just want to be left alone.

[liltoolate]

To REB;

I love how you complain that I don't do anything around the house...except every Thursday I'm the one who cleans the house (your room included...) and takes the trash out.

I worked last Thursday and couldn't take it out. And you bet I heard all about how the house was 'disgusting' and how I don't do anything.

And you have the audacity to complain that I have a mess in every room of the house. I mean. Gd lady. If I have to clean the entire house because you won't even lift a finger.

[liltoolate]

To REB;

I love how you can go down a list of reasons someone is considered emotionally abusive...you determine that someone who ISNT emotionally abusive, is...and you still don't see these traits in yourself. Hm.

[liltoolate]

To NAL;

It's like? Remember how I told you I push people away and I get really closed off for no apparent reason? Whelp. That's what's happening. I'm going through a rough time and I don't want anyone to see me in a more vulnerable state of being. Including you. Which is fucking terrible because you want me to be more open and have better communication. I'm going to drive you away and cry the entire time I'm doing it because I don't really want to.

[liltoolate]

To NAL;

I really don’t know by the way. From your question earlier. About ‘You’ve told me you’ve had other offers…so why me?’ I’m slightly more upset now, for some odd reason??, so this might sound more mean or uneducated than I mean it to. But on the surface it could just be because you’re here. Not just in a physical sense…but in a 'Holy hell, there is actually someone who cares for me and isn’t a major dick’ way.

I mean I’m not going to lie, I don’t care for many people and especially not the way I care for you. And I don’t know why, it just happened that way.

[liltoolate]

To NAL;

I feel like I'm trying to make us something that we're not. And that we'll never be. I want to be something with you...but you don't? I want a long, loving relationship where we're both open and understanding and love each other so much. Fuck. Just fuck. I can't even talk to a fake you that's no going to judge me.

[liltoolate]

To NAL

I love you so much. In ways that aren't even romantic or sexual. I just want you to know that. I'm sorry that I say things to hurt you...I just want you to feel hurt like I did. Which isn't nice. I'm also sorry that I keep putting you in situations that make you question everything. I don't mean to do that. I don't want you to feel pressured or upset by anything that I do. You're never mean to me, you never intentionally hurt me, you've never been really mad at me...and yet for some reason I am so awful to you. Fuck i don't know I get so distracted around you I forget what I'm actually trying to say

[liltoolate]

To REB;

I don't understand why you think you can control my entire life. I'm 22 years old. I swear you only want to have something to do with my life if you want to mess it up...I'm beyond angry. Then you always talk shit about me with your boyfriend. I'm so tired of you thinking you can control everything.

[liltoolate]

To NAL;

You’re supposed to be honest with your friends. I recall a conversation I had with you and it was like ‘Do you promise to always be honest with me? Even if it hurts my feelings?’ And I told you yes. And for the one promise I made to you…I’ve definitely broken it. I haven’t been honest about how I feel. I haven’t been honest about a lot of things. It’s not like I’m lying to you? It’s just that you’re not getting the full story.

[liltoolate]

To the people I work with;

Curious how it makes you feel to know I'm miserable at least 1/2 the time and you're part/most of the blame? I'm a sweet and naive person. And this doesn't even matter. Nothing matters. Oh well.

[liltoolate]

To KER;

You're obnoxious af. You don't speak to me for MONTHS then you feel like you can just restart a normal relationship? In my life...you've told me it was okay if I killed myself, you never loved me like you did my sister, you excluded me from my OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY, you've guilted me into things, basically you've shit on me my entire life. Then you have the audacity to tell everyone I told you I didn't love you? And that I told you that to your face? Do you see how awful and ridiculous you sound as a person? No. But that's cool I guess. I'm mostly just tired of all this BS with you. Bye.

[liltoolate]

To REB;

You tell me to stop complaining about working 14+ hour days...and literally ALL you do is complain about working 7-3. You complain about your boyfriend. You complain about our house. You complain about your other daughter. And I literally am just saying I'm tired and I've already done a million things today and I'd love to leave if we weren't short handed. You are really rude and I don't know what the hell you want from me. Thanks.

[liltoolate]

To REB;

I'm so sorry that your life is falling apart. But I've dealt with you crying over men for years. And I don't know how to help you anymore. I wish you could understand that. I wish you could understand that you shouldn't lash out at me. Don't bring up my relationship when you're talking about your own.

[liltoolate]

To NL;

I am so excited that we’ve progressed this much in our relationship. I’m glad you told me your huge secret. It’s made me feel more comfortable about things. It’s sort of hard for me to determine if we’re spending too much time together, so I took a tiny step back. Even though I want to spend all of my time with you. Which is completely insane. I don’t want to be that girlfriend. I want to tell you that I miss you. I want to tell you that I literally cannot get enough of you. I want to tell you that I never feel close enough to you when we’re together.

What is this about. I guess I’ll have to figure it out.

[liltoolate]

To JFB;

I stopped talking to you because you didn't tell someone very important you were sorry to hear about the passing of their mother. And that makes you a shitty person. But this person is okay with the fact that you're a shitty person, so I'm trying to be okay with it. I don't know what to do any more.

[liltoolate]

To NL;

It's been a while. Because I've been very verbal with you. Like VERY. Mostly because you make me nervous af. But I haven't been verbal about a few things. First, to quote Childish Gambino...'Are we dating? Are we fucking? Are we best friends? Are we something in between that?' We've been on what I consider 3 dates. But there's no physical contact. You don't come to my front door. I'm honestly just frustrated. Idk? It doesn't seem like date behavior.