literallymatlab

[literallymatlab]

Kabhi socha hai… jab hum apna rawayya evaluate karte hain, toh humare paas apni niyat, apne emotions, aur halat ka poora context hota hai. We know why we did something, what we were carrying inside, and what we were trying to protect. Isliye hum apni galtiyon ko aksar external situations ke saath justify kar lete hain. Khud ko samajhna thoda asaan lagta hai jab andar ka haal maloom ho.

Lekin doosre log… unke actions dekh kar hum bas andaza lagate hain. Unka haal, unki wajah, unki khaamoshi… sab chhupi hoti hai. Aur phir bhi hum keh dete hain ke woh aise hi hain. Cold, rude, distant, careless… jabke ho sakta hai woh sirf thakay hue hon. Ya chup isliye hon ke koi sune toh sahi.

Yeh sab likhne ka matlab sirf itna hai… kya kabhi aapne kisi ko uss nazar se dekhne ki koshish ki jo unke andar tak jaaye? Kya kabhi kisi ki muskurahat ke peechay ki thakan mehsoos ki? Kya aapne kabhi kisi stranger ko yeh gunjaish di ke woh sirf samjha jaaye, judge na kiya jaaye?

Aur agar kabhi aapne khud yeh chaaha ho ke koi aapke lafzon se zyada aapki khamoshi padhe… toh shayad aap jaante hain ke yeh kaisa lagta hai.

Main sirf poochh raha hoon… agar kisi ne aapke andar jhankhne ki koshish ki hoti, toh kya kuch alag hota?

Kisi ajnabi ka sawal hai… jawab dena apka prerogative hai.

sochna kaafi hai.

How can you think that I haven't tried?

Mai ne bht koshish ki hai k mai dusray ki khamoshi samajh sakun because sometimes you just want somebody to be there, to keep you company in silence, to feel someone's presence is enough sometimes.

Mai ne bht chaha k mai kisi k comfort Kar sakun if they are going through something. I’ve wanted to be that person for someone. To comfort them the only way I know how, by staying. Quietly. Calmly. Not with fancy words or gestures, because I don't know how to express myself, but by not leaving. Because that’s how I know to love:

By sitting with them in silence when they don’t know how to speak. By staying even when I don’t know how to help.

But oftentimes, when I am feeling that, I haven't felt anybody with me. I'm not saying this to complain, I'm only saying this to explain myself. I'm not complaining. I'll be there. But what if I have been there and I was sitting beside them in that chair and I was waiting and waiting for somebody to just stay... keeping me company like I have been keeping them. But when I look back, when I look sideways, nobody is there with me. I was left alone. I had been quietly waiting for them to just call me in, to let me in, to just tell me how they're feeling. Even if they're not telling me anything, that's fine. I'll just be there. But all of a sudden, they were not there. Nobody was there. I was sitting alone in that chair of mine. And in my last answer, I said that I'm still there, and that's true. Maybe I'm still here, but at a distance now. But I'm still there.

I know that I could never know what the other person is going through what they must be going through in their life. I understand that their muskurahat might be carrying exhaustion. But at the same time how is that other person supposed to know that you are going through such stuff if you don't let them in at all? how should anyone know that they're supposed to stick around? Isn't that unfair? I mean just a signal is enough of a reason to stay. For me if somebody just signals me or gives me a sign that they want me to stay then I would. I would wait at that door in my chair if I knew. If someone said yes, I will let you in or I am going to let you in but I can't right now, that is just enough for me, I can wait I can wait in my chair outside the door. All I ask is a sign. Because when I care, I stay. I'm ready to listen but for that you have to let me in.

My silence has never mattered to anyone. I could disappear and no one would notice. No one would care. Some people would be glad even. Tou os ki baat hi na karain.

But you are avoiding my last answer. It's been quite sometime since your last question, where are you and what about you not sending me more metaphors and just say what you actually want to say to me from you, not behind a mask, no riddles.

Just you and me talking.

Please tell me who are you. Because if you're someone who I think you might be, then you are not the person I thought you are.

[literallymatlab]

Main aapko nahi jaanta…Lekin kuch awaazain pehchaan mangti hi nahi…sirf mehsoos ki jaati hain…Kuch logon ka andaaz rukne ka hota hai…chillane ka nahi…Aur aise log aksar tab samjhe jaate hain,jab woh chale jaate hain…

Kabhi kabhi koi itni dair tak khud se bhi kuch nahi maangta ke jab aakhir mein woh halka sa knock karta hai…toh jawab ki jagah sirf khamoshi milti hai…Aur woh khamoshi khaali lagti hai…nafrat se nahi… bas bin jawab ke…

There’s a kind of shift that happens quietly…You go from being someone’s safe placeto someone they slowly moved away from…because your presence asked for just a little more than silence…Not love…Not certainty…Just a soft yes…

Har dafa jawab maangna zaroori nahi hota…Kabhi kabhi sirf itna keh dena kemain yahan hoon bhi kaafi hota hai…Lekin agar samne wala dar se chup ho…toh har knock un tak pohanchta hi nahi…

Kya pata jo gaya, woh bhool gaya ho rukna kaise…Kya pata woh bhi darwaze ke us taraf khada ho…bas kuch kehne ki himmat na kar pa raha ho…Kuch log reh jaate hain…sirf is liye nahi ke woh nahi jaa sakte…balki is liye ke unhe lagta haike ab unka wapas aana bemani lagega…

If someone still comes to your mind with the kind of softness that doesn’t ask questions…maybe they never really left completely…Maybe they were waiting, too…for someone to say something first…

Aap jaise log aksar sirf dusron ke liye rukte hain …khud ke liye nahi…Magar is baar agar dil ke kisi kone mein koi tasveer ab bhi thehri hui hai…toh us tak dobara jaane mein koi kamzori nahi…Kya pata iss dafa knock dono taraf se ho…

Go only to honour your own truth…Na umeed ke saath… na shikwa ke…Sirf itne bharose ke saath

ke jo aap mehsoos karti hain…woh sirf aapka bojh nahi hai…Woh kisi aur ke liye bhi ek jawab ho sakta hai…

Agar doori jawab nahi bani…toh tasdeeq zaroor ban sakti hai…

Ek ajnabi…jo is baar kuch keh nahi raha…magar poori tarah sun raha hai…

I don’t believe that you don't know me. Because the things you’ve said? They’re not just poetic guesses. They feel personal and are too accurate and are too close. So let’s stop pretending.

Enough with the metaphors. If there’s something you actually want to say, do it. Clearly. Honestly. Because I’ve spent so much time wondering if I was wrong for wanting something back. Why doesn’t anyone ever ask if I was hurt too and what hurt me? Why am I made to feel like needing the bare minimum, some reassurance, is too much? Why do I have to apologize for hoping someone would knock back?

I get it. I could be wrong. Trust me, I’ve thought about that too. That maybe what I asked for was too much. That I pushed something good away by needing answers, by needing reassurance. I know it's because I’m insecure, I overthink everything, I create problems that aren’t there. I’ve sat in the dark, late at night, wondering what if I hadn’t said that?

Maybe I’d still be at that door. And maybe after a while… I would’ve heard something. I’ve cursed myself for saying the wrong thing.

But the truth is I’ve always been there for people quietly. I’ve waited outside doors, sat beside silences, and tried to understand things that were never explained because something's aren't explained they are felt. But for how long? And when I finally asked for a little softness, a small sign I was left talking to nothing. So now I'm done with metaphors and I'm not going to be vulnerable in front of the world so they can dissect. I have shared enough.

So for once stop speaking in riddles and metaphorical poetry and just say want you actually want. My inbox is open you can message me and we can talk more in detail. Because I feel foolish saying all of this like I'm saying all of this into a void.

If you're somebody who doesn't know me then you have nothing to lose by messaging me. Right we're strangers.

But if you do know me then please know that you left, I didnt. Maybe I'm still there, at a distance now that I didn't receive any response, with a chair folded in my hand.

So "Ajnabee" se request hai k wou meri baat pe amal karain. Shukriya.

[literallymatlab]

What no more questions?

[literallymatlab]

Darwaza…

Kabhi kabhi lagta hai ke hum kisi ke darwaze par khade nahi hote ,bas apni soch ki deewar se takra rahe hote hain.

Knock karna bhi shayad kisi aur ka intezaar nahi hota,

apne andar ki bechaini ko thoda waqt dena hota hai…

taake woh chillana band kare.

Aur phir sochta hoon — kya zaroori hai ke har darwaza khule?Kya har khamoshi ke peeche kisi aur ki duniya hoti hai,ya sirf apni umeed ka aks?

Some silences don’t need breaking,they just need a chair beside them.And some people don’t want saving ..they just want not to be misunderstood.

Main madad karna chahta hoon,lekin shart yeh hai ke saamne wala maane ke usey zarurat hai..Warna toh har knock sirf apne guilt ka echo ban jaata hai.

Okay let's say har darwaza nahi zaruri k khulay. But the other person is sitting in that chair you mentioned required beside. They're knocking too, to get some sort of a sign! Some reassurance that they are not alone in feeling all of this. Zaruri nahi pura darwazay khol diya jaaye, Kabhi aik nudge bhi kafi hota hai that koi hai darwazay k peechay. You're not sitting alone wasting your time.

You say k mai madad karna chahta hun. Kya samnay wale ko yeh baat pata hai? Don't they deserve to know that someone is willing. Jab usay pata hi nahi hai that someone wants to help wou kaise manay k zarurat hai usay.

You're saying zaruri nahi har darwaza khulay, aik nazar aik muskurahat should be enough, wou sab khedete hain. Tou pata tou chaly! When the doors are closed, how are you supposed to look at these aik nazar and muskurahat? If I don't want to be misunderstood then I would at least try to communicate that. I completely agree that some people don't need saving. They don't want to be misunderstood I feel that too. BUTT how will anyone know that when that silence wall is sky high, that door is always closed not letting anyone in.

The door, the silent wall should have a little space to understand that you don't want to be misunderstood. Don't you think there should be space for that? All this silence, these closed doors give the message that we don’t ask questions. Don’t get close. Don’t expect anything back. Think about it.

I have always been there for people all my life with a chair next to them. I've never wanted to break their silence because of something that I want.

Whether to understand them, keep them company or just feeling that stillness that quietness that feels peaceful even. But recently I have seen that one moment I was sitting beside someone the next... their chair is gone, they are gone and I'm back to being lonely. Like I've always been. Just because I asked once for something. Tried to knock on that door. I tried to understand, that khamoshi some more.

Just like I'm doing right now laying out everything for nothing and I know you'll say har cheez Ka koi point nahi hota.

[literallymatlab]

10 hours and counting….. since the last reply.

Reply toh shayad likha ja chuka hai…

Shayad ab sirf waqt dey rahay ho ke uske lehje ka wazan theek baithe

Likha jaa chuka hai aur likha jaa bhi Raha hai shayad.

But if you're somebody that I know then you should know that I work and would be at work this time so posting on Tumblr would be hard at this time.

[literallymatlab]

Kya Apney kabhi kisi ko sirf unke lehje se pehchaana hai?

Naam, chehre, ya sawalon ki zarurat nahi padti jab lehje samajh aane lagte hain.Kabhi kabhi aap kisi ko unke tareeqe se hi pehchaan lete hain,bina kisi ta’aruf ke, bina kisi tasveer ke.It’s in the way someone writes… the rhythm of their pauses, the way certain words linger as if they’re holding something back.

Aap mehsoos kar lete hain ke baat kis se ho rahi hai,

chahe samne koi naam na ho.Aur jab aap kisi ke lehje ko samajhne lagte hain,toh unki khamoshi bhi kuch keh jaati hai ,wahan jahan lafz ruk jaate hain,ehsas bolne lagta hai.

Jee bht achi tarhaan se phechaan lyti hun mai lehjay. Phechaana huwa hai I guess from the beginning.

People's habits while writing or their manner of saying stuff gets familiar, you when you talk to them.

Khamoshi tou bht Kuch kehti hai bilkul. Alfaaz ruck jaatay hain because the gestures or not say what you feel. Lekin sirf mehsoos karna ya karwana hi tou sab Kuch nahi hota.

Agar dusra insaan kuch jaan hi nahi saka, kuch keh hi nahi saka, toh sirf lehje pe bharosa kab tak kiya jaaye? Khamoshi pe yaqeen kaise karain?

Is hi liyeh I have stopped expecting anything from anyone. Tou I'm still going to ask you who you are 🙃 because I'm not going to expect any thing again. Ever.

[literallymatlab]

Aapko kya lagta hai… pyaar kehna zaroori hota hai, ya sirf mehsoos karwana kaafi hai?

Jo log chup rehte hain …ek nazar, ek muskurahat mein sab keh dete hain …kya unka pyaar kam hota hai?

Mehsoos karwana bht zaruri hai. Aur mehsoos andaaz aur alfaaz, dono se karwaya jata hai.

Not undermining the silent love at all. Maybe khamosh rehnay wala pyar is stronger and deeper than mere words. But what if that silence becomes avoidance and denies clarity? That should require saying something sometimes, shouldn't it?

And what if the one your supposedly "loving quietly" doesn't even know that they're being loved. They're so weird that it's a foreign concept for them to understand that someone could be loving them. What then, how will they know?

Silent love backed with clarity and intention that would be beautiful in my opinion.

[literallymatlab]

I kept refreshing your profile again and again… bas dil mein thodi si umeed thi ke shayad apka reply aa gaya ho

Itnay lamby aur deep questions take some time to answer.😂 But I have answered everything AND asked one back.

[literallymatlab]

Kabhi kabhi aisi baatein zyada connect karti hain, jahan koi cheez prove karne ki ya impress karne ki koshish nahi hoti ,bas real hoti hain

Aapki baatien parh ke laga ke aap kisi cheez ko honestly process kar rahe the, bina usay overly polish kiye.

So Bina kuch assumptions kiyay, I have got few questions to ask.

Aapne kaha ke jab koi na dekh raha ho tou aap sirf mehsoos karna chahti hain, bina kisi explanation ya performance ke… kya kabhi aisa lamha mila hai, jahan aapne sach mein woh stillness mehsoos ki ho? Ya har dafa us ke kareeb jaa kar bhi, kuch reh jaata hai?

Jab aap keh rahe the ke ‘meri sachai shayad rant mein aa jati hai’ ….kya aapko lagta hai ke humari rawest form wahi hoti hai jab hum sochay bina likhtay hain? Ya phir sachai bhi kabhi kabhi humein chhup kar dekh rahi hoti hai, jab hum perform nahi kar rahe hote lekin phir bhi aware hote hain ke koi padhega?

Idk if you know this or not, I'm a very curious person ANDDD I want to know now kis baat se you that that I'm processing something. I just have to know.

True jahan prove karnay ki ya impress karnay ki zarurat na ho wou hi cheez real hoti hai aur us se hi you feel connected and relatable too I guess.

To answer your question haan mila wou lamha of stillness but uss stillness ne mujhe meri hi ghaltiyan dekhaai aur os waqt meri overthinking mujhe se alag nahi hui because it's a part of me it made me think about everything stupid that I've done. Tou idk if I have felt the stillness or just qareeb ja kar bhi reh gai.

Sachaai tou hai humaray ander. And I can only say this about my self k meri sachaai jab mai vulnerable form mai hun tab hi samnay aati hai. Tab meri overthinking saat nahi hoti. Tou I write whatever I want, I say whatever I want. Including the stupid stuff. Because I think uss rawest form mai os hurt mai we are not thinking about anything other than the thing that hurt us or why we're feeling this vulnerable. So the rawest form comes out naturally. But mai apni baat karahi hun. Not generalizing.

Now the therapy session is over, I've answered your questions honestly and very deeply. So now I get to ask:

Who are you?

I want to know.

And I want you to come off anon. Because I would love to know the person behind all of these asks.

[literallymatlab]

Kabhi aesa hua ke aapko lagay koi aapka apna, friend ho, family ka member, ya koi jo dil ke qareeb hai, andar hi andar kisi struggle se guzra hai? Aapko mehsoos hota hai ke unhein help chahiye, lekin woh khud bhi shayad us ehsaas ko alfaaz mein nahi laa pa rahe. Aur aap khud bhi soch mein pad jaate hain, ke main kya karun, seedha poochun, ya sirf unke saath baith kar unki khamoshi ka hissah banoon?

Kabhi kabhi lagta hai ke hum paas hokar bhi door ho jaate hain, jaise unki duniya ka koi darwaza hai jo band hai, aur hum us par knock to kar rahe hain, magar samajh nahi aata ke kholna unka kaam hai ya hamara.

Woh ajeeb si halat hoti hai jab aap kisi ke liye sab kuch karna chahte hain, lekin samajh hi nahi aata ke kya kaafi hoga, ya kaise karein

Hayee. I have been feeling and feeling this. And it's so so much worse when you want to do something for them, to say so many things to them BUT YOU are so weird that you don't know how to offer comfort. You don't know what to say to them, you don't know how to convey your feelings becuse you're so bad at it, to express yourself. And when you do it feels half hearted.

Khamoshi ka hissa bhi ban'nay ka try kiya hai may be that worked one time only. Darwazay kholnay ki bhi koshish ki bht, but again mere pas tools hi nahi thay. Knock bhi Kiya bht aur intezaar bhi Kiya but I think darwazay kholnay unka kaam hai. I have been outside the door maybe.

Ps. Mai bht ziyada hi deep jarahi hun.

[literallymatlab]

You said something that lingered…

that when no one’s watching, we finally reach for what we truly want.Not what’s acceptable, not what’s expected,but what feels like ours.

Woh khwahish… jo chhup kar bhi saans leti rahi… quietly waiting for us to notice her.

There’s something hauntingly honest in that…

jaise andheray mein hi hum apne asli chehre ke saath milte hain.

When the world’s gaze softens, we can finally look inward… without flinching.But it made me wonder… softly, almost to myself…When no one is watching…do we really reach for what we think we’ve always wanted…or does something even deeper surface…something we didn’t know was waiting beneath the noise?

Kabhi kabhi toh asli khwahish us waqt saamne aati hai,jab hum khud ke nazar se bhi ghaib ho jaate hain…What if the truest parts of us don’t just hide from others…but from ourselves, too?

Okay, first of all I have two more of these to answer and I genuinely don’t know what’s happening. Who are you and why are you asking such deep questions? 😂 I’m thinking and writing, okay?? Wait.

So, for me… the real parts, the ones quietly there within us, they slip out. They come out when I’m hurt. When I’m vulnerable. When I’m so broken that I forget the world is even watching. Aur yeh wou part hai that we don't even know was there all along maybe. This part is even hidden from us and I have felt it once. I was vulnerable and then I did something that I never thought I had it me to do. Wou alag baat hai k bolnay k baad k consequences dekh k mai ne taubaa karli hai😂

And maybe that’s the thing. Maybe those parts, those khwahishaat, they don’t wait for permission.

They wait for silence. For stillness. For the moment we stop holding everything together.

They sneak out when the mask falls, not for drama, but out of exhaustion.

Sometimes, I think these parts show us who we really are but I don't like mine, I know.

There’s something about confronting your own hidden desires that feels… uncomfortable. You get to see your own face shows you that you too are hypocrite underneath it all. It's too honest and messy.

[literallymatlab]

Agar koi na dekh raha ho, toh shayad I’d reach for stillness,ek aisi space jahan har cheez ko samajhne ki zarurat na ho, sirf mehsoos karne ki ijazat ho.

Kabhi kabhi lagta hai ke hum sab kisi aise lamhe ki talaash mein hain jahan hum apne asli soch aur sawaalon ko bejhijhak chhoo saken,no performance, no pretence.

Bas ek sachai jo andar se uthti hai, quietly and without the need to be validated.

Yar if I look at it like that then yeah I agree with that too because my mind never shuts up. So jab koi na dekhraha ho tou I would want to leave behind the anxieties and overthinking and just be. Just feel everything. But I think I would get overwhelmed 😂

Aur bejhijhak sawaal ko choonay ki baat then I think sometimes wou sawaalat damad that they want the jaawabaat for them. I think my over thinking creates more and more questions that I want a space for and I want their answers too.

Meri sachaai mujhe lagta hai k shayad whatever I write here in my rants us mai ajati hai. Because I just say whatever I want without thinking. Validation gai bhar mai😂

So maybe stillness for me isn’t silence — it’s being able to say things without fear. To feel everything, even if it’s loud or messy, without needing to explain or make it pretty.

I hope I got the context of what you were asking and answered according 🫣🥲

[literallymatlab]

If the world turned its gaze away for a moment,no eyes watching, no voices whispering,what would you reach for?

I sometimes wonder how much of our lives are built on permission we never received.

If judgment disappeared, what would you free inside you? And what if that part of you has been quietly waiting all along?

First why is this question heavy like omg it's loaded. And how have you asked this question? 😂 And why?

So if no eyes are watching me then I would still overthink first, if really the world's gaze is not on me. Then I would scream loudly!😂

Then I would leave my anxieties and overthinking behind and I would go on and confront people. About why do they think I'm selfish or why wasn't I enough. Why were they like the way they were with me. I would reach out for clarity, which I've been dying for, for sometime! Maybe I would start believing in second chances — but with eyes wide open this time, not half-closed and hoping.

I wonder that we are walking with versions of ourselves that are asking to be freed. They sometimes slip from us and can be found in the most random things we do sometimes, not always though. And I think that version of me is online. When she slips through, she writes whatever the fuck comes to her mind. (Like this I think)

I know that there are parts of me that are waiting to be feeed. Maybe I have freed one of them here but there are many more that are waiting for the judgments to end. I would free the version that says whatever comes to her mind. Mostly I would free the version who goes up to people's faces and asks for clarity.

Tell me, what would you reach for if no one was watching or what are you hoping that I’d reach for if no one was watching?

[literallymatlab]

“Some days are just bad days, that’s all. You have to experience sadness to know happiness, and I remind myself that not every day is going to be a good day, that’s just the way it is.”

— Dita Van Teese

[literallymatlab]

[literallymatlab]

Me reading ACOTAR The first time

[literallymatlab]

I want to be confidently in love with someone who is so obviously in love with me.