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littlelacewing-blog · 8 years ago

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Dear you know who.

This is the last time I will ever write about you. I would give up my whole summer of savings, my whole wardrobe, I would give up the piano in my bedroom to take back this summer. I have made some terrible mistakes in my life. I’ve broken my mom’s heart, lied to my sister, mixed with the wrong crowd even stepped on my dogs tail a few times, but you are the biggest mistake I have ever made by far. And I of all people should have known better. I’ve spent my whole life giving other people advice and here I am with expensive fucking mascara smeared across my face because I didn’t listen to that advice for you. Because I thought you were more than that. I thought you were more than anything. I had it all planned it out with you. I honestly have to bite the side of my cheek when I think about that afternoon with you because it makes me sick to think how foolish I was. To believe that after 4 years of this repetitive bullshit you would change. Was I not enough? I know that’s a stupid question and if I was to ask you, you would tell me how I am the most amazing thing that ever happened to you. I think that is why this is so hard. Because it makes no sense. If I was the most amazing thing that ever happened to you. Why did you leave? I wouldn’t care if you were half way across the world, I would still wait for you. But you think a couple of miles is worth ending this. I never thought distance would be more fortunate than what we have. I don’t know if I got way too fucked this summer so my brain got a little fried during the process but how could I have been so stupid to think you would go to University and stay with me. How? The night I kissed you goodbye in that club, I had never been happier. I thought finally, we are both on the same page. Finally all I’ve ever wanted is going to be mine. Finally this everlasting story would come to a happy ending. Boy was I wrong. The night before you left. You didn’t say goodbye. All I needed was you to stand outside my door and tell me you loved me one more time and none of this would have happened. But as always you acted liked a child and left. I am the cold one in my family. Because I don’t cry, I don’t get upset, I never speak my emotions. There we were at a family dinner table and I had to excuse myself crying and get a taxi home. And then I curled up in my bed and cried myself to sleep. I have dealt my whole life with a drugged up Dad who has never been there for me, who has caused havoc for me, I have just lost one of my best friend, my Grandma, but I have never cried like I cried for you. I don’t want to sound overdramatic but you don’t understand what it’s like to give yourself up to someone and them to just leave with no closure. You’ve handled this so badly, but really what did I expect. I have spent this past week waiting for your text, moaning to my friends about you, I even had to delete my social media because it became that obsessive. While you were out partying, your girl was listening to the mechanical bull album whilst studying just to think about you. I hope you’re happy because you have broke me and before I may have forgot you by the time I was 25, but now I will remember you for the rest of my life. The first guy who fucked me over, since my dad. The reason I don’t ever give myself up to boys, or open up to anyone. You are the most selfish, pathetic, immature boy I have ever come across, yet I still love you and I’m still checking your damn “read receipts” on Whatsapp. If you’re reading this. Please never text me again. I need you to hurt me just that little bit more so I hate you, and never get that churning feeling when your name pops in my phone. I’m going to delete the photos of you because I keep looking at them and it makes me hate myself even more for what I’ve done to myself. I’m gonna bin the top and the letter and the polaroids I have of you because I don’t wanna be reminded of you and what we had ever again because I think if I feel this pain ever again, I will vomit. Thank you for showing me all the things I already knew. 1. Don’t trust anyone ever. 2. Boys are a waste of time 3. No one ever loves you as much as they say they will. 4. Everyone leaves eventually. Thank you for teaching me to never give myself up again to anyone. Thank you for teaching me to never let anyone to treat me like this ever again. I hope university brings you everything you ever wished for. I hope you meet a girl who puts up with everything you put me through. I hope she never complains and I hope she loves you for you. And I hope one day she walks out the door with no explanation nothing, she gives you no closure but just tells you it won’t work. And maybe you’ll realise that I’m not being overdramatic and I’m not “fucking with your head”. This is what it feels like to be broken by someone. And I hope you remember that girl that you ruined.

But no hard feelings babe. You were good while you lasted. Atleast I was your first.

p.s `i knew i should have listened to that psychic she told me this but i didn’t believe shit because i believed in us.

x

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littlelacewing-blog · 9 years ago

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