littlemisstonydiary

[littlemisstonydiary]

It's been almost a year, and I cannot believe I am back.

This time, it's no longer about boys or my love life; now, it is all about myself.

I discovered so many things about myself that made me understand why I am the way I am. The more I discover about myself, the more my depression worsens. I am at the point where I know that one of these days, I will need medical help. The more I sit with how I feel, the more I wish not to wake up.

I am always angry and sad with my current situation, and I thought I was just depressed. I realized that I am angry because no one really understands my point. Lately, I've been vocalizing how I feel, but everyone thinks I am being ungrateful and unreasonable.

Have you ever wanted to scream so loud but no sound comes out? Not that you do not have a voice, but because your soul just gave up. You screamed so badly internally that externally no sound can justify the pain.

The more I prioritize myself, the more I see how I was living a borrowed life before. I had to endure accommodating everyone's burden to the point that I forgot how to accommodate mine. I grew up without having a choice of my own because I was never given one. I had to take care of my siblings, manage house budgets, and handle house bills as early as 9 years old.

I look at my niece now and feel sad. She is acting as a child should, but I never experienced being a child at her age. All I can remember is that at the age of 9, I was immersed in the Harry Potter world. Something about the movie caught my inner child's interest. I was lost in the magical world, in the chance of doing things by magic. That's all I can remember, as I was given the responsibility of an adult. I had no choice but to mature early. I often ask myself why I have the Eldest Child Syndrome when I am not the eldest. I realized that my sister was never home with us when I was left managing everything. She was studying far away from us, either staying with our grandparents or living in her college dorm. I was left alone with no choice but to learn all the adult knowledge, as my parents often left to take care of something.

I think I did a pretty good job leading everyone, as until now, they still give me all the responsibility and expect me to take care of everything. I did so well that they no longer see that I am struggling because they know that I will take care of it. They got used to me dropping everything just to cater to their needs. They know I can bounce back after sacrificing everything for everyone.

I always did, but I no longer want to.

At 31, I just started to learn how to prioritize myself, to listen to my own voice, how to prioritize my peace, and how to self-preserve instead of catering to everyone else. I still lack boundaries when it comes to the people who matter, but I am slowly working on it. I am starting to love myself by prioritizing me. I retract from situations that no longer bring peace and healthy conversation. I stay away from chaos because all I want is to feel at peace.

[littlemisstonydiary]

chevalier

we are all going to die, make sure you fight for the right thing

[littlemisstonydiary]

i still cringe about it. send him a message saying that i'm sorry that i dragged him into the situation and i agree that we should just be friends now. she just left me on read that's ok. i cannot read the the past conversations that we had since july because i can't believe that i did that. i am still glad that i sent the message because i know it will haunt me for a longest time.

i don't have any regrets. i did what i did i felt what i felt and that's ok. if he decided that he doesn't want to be friends with me or stay connected with me that is ok. i cannot control why he feels but i can control mine.

i can say that i am better now because i realize I am worth the risk i am worth to be pursued and i matter.

it is what it is i already sent a message it's done and now i let go .

whatever will be will be

[littlemisstonydiary]

Hi love,

I miss you. Badly

[littlemisstonydiary]

Hi love,

I made progress today. I still think of you but I am not that hurt anymore. Maybe because I've been dealing with so many things and emotions right now. I still miss you and I am still stopping myself from messaging you.

I am starting to stop thinking about you when I wake up. It's nice that I am moving forward. I hope that this will continue.

[littlemisstonydiary]

Hi love,

I am starting to get tired of feeling down so I uninstalled Twitter so I can stop looking at your profile. I already unfriended and unfollowed you 23 days ago. I deleted all playlist that I shared with you or just something that reminds me of you.

it's a work in progress but I will get there.

I am listing all things that give me an ick about you. So far, it's working and I just hope this will continue

[littlemisstonydiary]

Dear KC,

23rd day. it's the 23rd day and I wonder why I am still in pain. I almost reached out to you today. I just remembered that I shouldn't as I already know it will only make me hate myself more. I miss you. Though I am starting to accept you didn't really like me, i still wish deep inside that you do. That one of these days, you will realize how much you want to make this work.

I found myself crying again as I feel pain each time I remember you. It's you that I think when I wake up and before I go to sleep.

I hope you are well. I miss you.

Nowadays, random tarot cards in TikTok are starting to give me an ick. I am starting to stop my delulu that their card reading is for me, for us, and I start seeing the situation as it is. It used to give me a euphoric feeling but now, I am realizing it's me who put us in their story. It was never about us. It's just me who wanted us to be what they are describing. It's a good thing right? That I am already seeing things as it is? I am hoping one of these days I will stop thinking about you or missing you.

[littlemisstonydiary]

Dear KC,

it's been 22 days since the last time we spoke. 22 agonizing days. Everyday, I just miss you. 22 days that I've been missing you. It's sad that it ended before anything can even start. I decided to prioritize my worth over whatever this is. I still like you and I will always will. The person that once made me see colors now is the reason why it's back to gray.

I still think of you in every sunrise, in every sunset or just even when the weather is nice. You are still the person that comes to my mind on every love song. It was the first time that I hum along love songs with a person in my mind. Can you believe it, that I found myself listening to Taylor Swift's songs because it's you who I can see in every song?

I miss the feeling that I was so genuine in liking someone. I miss calling you love and you calling me love. I miss the happiness that I feel every time I see your name pops up. I miss you and deep inside my heart I fully wish you miss me too.

Surely, I will look back and laugh being so broken like this but I will never regret being genuine with you. I will never regret that you became my yellow for a brief moment.

Maybe God removed us from each other's lives to protect us from whatever the future might hold. I just hope someday, I will hear back from you or see you again.

Maybe next time, love?

Maybe next life? I wish that next time, we will make it. Hopefully next life, you will love me more than I do

[littlemisstonydiary]

06/02 Unsent letter

Hi KC,

How are you, my love? I know you are doing well. I am just writing this as it frustrates me with what is happening to us. They said that if you are confused, the person does not really like you. I am starting to believe that. All I need is for you to make me feel that you like me or make me think that you are, I told you what are the things that I want but still, there is nothing. I like you. So much, But I can not go on with this setup. My heart is happy when you call me Love or say you miss me. It makes me feel that maybe you like me too, which frustrates me even more. I no longer know what to believe or I should still hold on. I do not know if you like me enough or if everything is just my imagination. I want to let go. I want to start moving on with this connection but I do not know how.

I feel that you are too kind to let go and tell me this will not work. Or maybe you like me, but I am not enough for you to move forward. I want you to shower me with love, and make me feel that you desperately want to make us work. I want to feel that you miss me every day but the fact that I wished for those means that you don't feel this way

Do you even like me? I no longer know what to think. Are you just too kind to tell me that you cannot make this work? Sometimes I feel that you like me but not enough to move forward. This makes me sad but if you could only be honest, it will make everything clear. I am okay if you would only like to be friends for now or if you are not ready for any relationship. I would rather hear you say it and be honest rather than me being confused and in pain.

Ano ba tayo? Nahihilo na ako. Pakisagot na lang.

[littlemisstonydiary]

Random Night

I am writing now as I cannot sleep. I kept asking for signs but they were all mixed up. Some signs tell me I should be patient, and some say I should Let go. I no longer know what to do.

Am I just romanticizing this experience and calling it love? Or am I really in love?

What do I really want? I would like to have an obvious answer. Do you think this is worth continuing? Worth fighting?

I met this guy last April. He was my BFF's cousin and I was introduced by Tita Ruby (Bff's mom). At first, I didn't even care as I knew, same as the previous introduction to guys, it would never work. I will be too busy, they will not make any effort and we will grow distant. I was supposed to meet him when he first arrived here in Phil but I decided to make an excuse not to join Tita as I was thinking that this will not work. This too will pass as if I said hi and goodbye. Just like the previous connections. It always ended up the same so I didn't pay much attention to it.

He was a busy man and got little to no signal which made the communication hard. I didn't mind because I was thinking, this too shall pass. This too, will not work. This too, will end just like it started. So I just responded to any text message that he will send and expect nothing. Since he can only reply every once in a while, we reply to each other's 4-5 messages at once. It went like that for a month. I didn't have any expectation of seeing him before departing back to Alaska. I initially planned on not meeting him no matter what Tita Ruby will say. He felt distant and not interested. I paid no attention nor intention to continue it. I never liked anything forced.

He said that he was on his way to Manila. I didn't know that he went to Tita Ruby's place, which is 10mins away from my place. He just said that he visited her. At that moment, I really do not know if I want to meet him or not but a part of me was expecting him to say that he would want to meet me. Haha. Women. I know!

Tita Ruby is playing a big part in this connection. She gave him my address and told them ( his Dad and him) to meet me.

" We are on our way to your place." he messaged me. I panicked as my place is very messy and I am not ready to accept anyone yet. I decided to calm myself down and think of other ways to meet them and I instantly thought of Starbucks. I looked for a 24/7 operating coffee shop and found one near Cubao. I asked him to meet me there. I was trying to convince him to just go home and that he didn't need to meet me that I understand that he was tired and probably wanted to rest. I just did not have the energy to deal with forced energy that day.

"I'm already here." That's where the roller coaster feelings started. I am too shy, excited, hesitant and so many more and it was hard to process. I booked a Grab and went there. As soon as I arrived, he showed red flags right away. 1) He ordered coffee without offering to buy me one. 2) He did not even reserve a seat in a very busy place. I did not know how to react so I pretended I am fine with it. I greeted him, reserved a table for us, and proceeded to order my coffee.

"This is too much for the first night meeting together." This was what was running through my mind while waiting in line. "This is awkward. How should I deal with this? " I decided to be a good person, just be accommodating, and said fuck this shit. I was trying to understand why he acted that way and put myself in his situation. Maybe he doesn't know how to deal with the awkwardness or the busy Starbucks place or maybe he already forgot how to date. I decided to enjoy the night and check how the connection will go. We were awkward at most times and I ended up observing him a lot. He kept on looking for his dad saying he might miss the car, kept looking at the window and he said No when I offered the idea that we should take a picture together. The latter part shocked me but I handled the rejection very well. I don't force things. If he doesn't want to, then he doesn't need to. He explained that he was too tired and we just take it the next day. I didn't know how to let him know that I did not have even the slightest plan to see him before his flight. I just said, "Okay" and smiled.

I enjoyed the talk as we learned common things together. We both like photography, traveling, and others more than I can not remember. That interaction left me smiling knowing that I met someone who shares the same interest as I have. I just cannot shake the feeling that something felt off and I felt that he was just forced to meet me because of Tita Ruby, I also shared my observation with my Bff, that it went fine but I just have a strong feeling that he felt forced to meet me because tita Ruby asked him too.

I spent the entire night thinking of reasons not to join them and even said I will arrive late and just say goodbye. He said he will not be spending the entire time with us as he will need to also leave early and prepare for departure. I ended up meeting him that day with his Dad and Tita Ruby. I was observing and looking at him and gave me a feeling that I wanted to know more about his life. More about him.

[littlemisstonydiary]

Realization for this week:

- the people I like do not like me and the people I do not like, likes me.

- the four cornered walls that once liberated me now felt like a prison. Everyday, I am suffocating.

[littlemisstonydiary]

Unknown Love Pt.1

Have you ever felt such love that you know existed but it grew without you knowing? I did. It was just a crush before. He was my partner as our surnames were alphabetically next to each other. I liked how cool he was, how clean he was ( he is a neat freak), how sarcastic he was, and how intelligent he was. I liked everything about him except for the fact that I know he will never like me. I kept those feelings thinking that was only a ridiculous crush and that I know I will get over it eventually. Flashing news today: I never did! And every now and then I think about him. How's his life? Is he still alive?

The last news I heard from him was he broke up with Lana. After that, he is nowhere to be found. No social media, no number. I don't have anything. Every now and then I tried looking for his profile on any social media. I failed a million times. I tried checking those people he was close to before, but he is nowhere to be found. It's like he tried to erase himself from society. After a couple of years, I stopped looking, lurking, expecting I will see his face but my desire to see him did not end.

Last night, I dreamt of him. I know it's that extreme when I dream of someone. It's like the universe is telling me something. My brain always shows my deepest secret that I kept avoiding. Often times when I dream of someone, I consciously, tell myself that I am dreaming. As I dream I tend to make scenarios to make the dream better but this time, I genuinely thought it was real. I slept for so long and woke up happy.

Yes, it was him in my dreams. I dreamt that we ended up together. I was so happy just being by his side. I am happy that we are together and with his family. It was chaotic but I was happy.

I woke up contemplating life. It's more than 10 years since I saw and talked to him but I still remember him vividly. It's like my self is healing and it's letting me go through all the love that I tried to suppress. I like him and just thinking about being with him makes me the happiest.

I pulled out my phone and I searched for his name. " Manuel Gezaea" No results in any social media. No active accounts. I knew that will be the outcome but I still did it anyway. It made my heart sink. When I am about to put my phone down, an idea popped into my head as if someone gave me a hint of where to find him.

"Try Google," said the voice inside.

I gladly followed it. I did not expect anything as I know there will no result. I tried that before and got nothing. To my surprise, there is one result. Manuel Gezaea from Austria. I thought to myself this could not be him but I still open this job site. To my surprise, there he is. His picture is on this company website. Older but still gives me butterflies. I rejoice and felt like crying.

" I found you!" I shouted. I was so happy. I jolted up and looked at this picture of yours. " I missed you. I found you!" that's all I can say. I also felt relieved as I know you are still breathing and alive.

"So this is you know. " I continued talking to your picture. " I have so many questions! I want to hear everything."

But after the feeling of happiness, sadness overwhelmed me. "This is him now. He is far from this country. We do not breathe the same air anymore. He is out of reach." it made me out of breath. It's like something punched my heart.

I clicked on connect on your job site hoping that you will feel the urge to talk to me too. I am hoping that you are happy with your life. "Please universe, please have him talk to me if he is still available." I kept on praying until I close the site. Shut down the computer and went on with my life.

[littlemisstonydiary]

I dreamt about you last night. I made myself believe that it was the reality. I woke up happy and sad at the same time. I always wondered what happened to you. Or where are you now? I tried to search for you on social media but you are nowhere to be found. Today, I tried my luck searching for you on Google and found you. Your face changed. You aged but you are still handsome as ever. It seems that life was so good to you and you are now overseas. I genuinely wish that you are happy.

Are you married now? How's life? I have so many questions that I want to ask. I want to check on you. I hope you are happy. If you are not, I hope we can meet again. Hoping in that universe we will end up with each other. I miss you.

Hey Universe, if there is a small chance that we can be together, can you please make sure it happens? I am okay if it will not last. I just want him to feel my love.

[littlemisstonydiary]

looking back

A random flashback happened to me when I was watching a K-drama and I started to ask myself how am I a year ago. Who was I a year ago? Where was I a year ago? And after a year, what were the drastic changes that I had?

After much contemplating, I was able to summarize my year in 1 word, " Toxic". I was so toxic with myself and with the people around me. I started to ask myself how did I become so toxic? And I could not think of any aside from exposing myself to toxic people, toxic places, and toxic atmospheres. It was so bad that I had to learn to shut off my feelings, my empathy, my loneliness. It became a habit and one day I stopped feeling, I stopped wanting to be part of anything. I became helpless. It went on for years and I could not understand why I can not let go. I was cheated on, some made me feel I am not worth it, and my job made me feel what I am doing is not enough and I need to be blamed for everything else.

I put up being blamed for things that I did not do. I was told I am not enough and made me feel I am the one who brought that to myself. I was gaslighted it made me feel that I am always to blame when they cheat on me. "Ikaw kasi eh" Those 3 words shattered my confidence and my sanity. It went on for years. I became so paranoid and toxic.

Every phase in our lives must always come to an end. For mine? I took the risk, suffered from the decision, and survived it.

With my work, I ended the toxicity culture when I started envying my friends who had the option to work from home. The virus took a toll on everyone. Getting sick from the virus became part of my paranoia. It was so hard that I often found myself feeling helpless and scared. I oftentimes felt the need to get out but I can't. There was too much of a sacrifice at that time. Everything started to change when I looked for solutions and not excuses. I started realizing all I had was excuses I even excused myself from getting the right solution. I decided to stop looking at the excuses and focus on solutions. I started asking myself "How can I get out?" and that's why I found the best solutions. I stopped taking PTOs and Vls to give myself ample time to find another job that offers work from home. I started counting the days that I will let go. I submitted my resignation the next day and the rest was pure luck and God's will. I am still working from home and I felt I got something I deserve.

With the love of my life, it was hard letting go. He was the only thing I am willing to work with no matter what. There was so much toxicity, gaslighting, and paranoia but I was very much willing to look past it all and be with him. That's how pathetic I am. I already knew he no longer love me. I already knew he is already looking for somebody, but I tricked myself into thinking that It is just me. I can go on about the things that I experienced with him. He made me feel that I do not deserve things. He made me feel I am not worth working with. He always cheats on me and I always tell myself it will get better. It did not. Until he found a reason to let go. He blamed it again on me saying we were toxic to each other. Days after, he started talking again with his ex. They are now together and I am happy for them. The girl can put on with all the bullshits and the cheating. He got what he wanted. I cannot be more than happy they found each other again. I can only say "What goes around, comes back around"

After a year, I am more relaxed. Most of the time, my anxiety will kick in and make it hard to sleep. I am stressed as well most of the time because I feel tired but looking at the stress that I experienced in corporate life? This is nothing.

I also found my peace. A year ago, I was paranoid, I was always afraid that I will lose him, that I will be alone. I realize this is what I needed. I needed the peace of thinking I am enough and that I deserve to be pursued. Someday, the right person will come and I hope he will be willing to stay with a "work in progress".

After a year of no toxicity, I healed. I look at the skies again with much happiness, the sunset does not make me sad anymore but made me happy that another day has passed and I am still alive. I became thankful for many things. I became thankful I am alive.

I still struggle a lot, I sometimes find myself anxious. My depression sometimes was so bad that there was a time jumping on a bridge made me happy. I am still in progress.

But I found peace and I will never let anyone steal it from me. I will never let anyone bring me back to the dark times. I am in a better life now, in a better state, in a better mental state.

I am hoping that anyone can get out of their own toxicity bubble. I am sure that it will be the best thing that can ever happen.

[littlemisstonydiary]

8/29

It's the 3rd month since it ended but I still feel down sometimes. I realized I am much okay right now but I am usually lonely. While watching some videos, I realized How desperate I was. Here is my letter for you:

I was so desperate. I wanted you to be the One. I expected you to be the one. I did things I have never done before. Do I want to get back to you? If getting back to you means I have to experience all of it again then I will say No.

I realized I deserve more. More than being desperate. More than making excuses for your action. It broke me so bad that I am still healing. Healing from all of times that you said it was my fault why you cheated, why you kept lying, why you kept crossing all boundaries. The person I chose to be vulnerable with, the person I chose to see the future with me, chose to broke me.

As I am watching, I came across a video that reminded me of the day when I was most desperate with US. This was the time that I came back from staying at the hotel because of this Covid thing. I was lying down looking at you. You were playing games and you kept chatting on your phone and smiling. I had a hunch that you were cheating on me. I was so desperate in a way I didn't understand before. I asked you if you want to "do" but you've been avoiding that since I came back. I got angry, you've been constantly turning down my offer. I knew something was up. And when we finally did it, you asked me " So you are not mad anymore?" I felt disgusted. Dirty. Desperate.

What hurt me, even more, was the reason you were acting that way was that you were really cheating on me. You guys were flirting when I was staying at the hotel. You were talking about having sex. I know you guys did it. And from that moment, your action became clearer.

I thought my life will turn gray and become dull when I choose to exclude you from my life. I realized, my life was gray and dull and full of insecurities when I was with you. My life is still dull but I am free from all the thoughts that I am not enough. I am no longer sleeping with full anxiety about what you are doing. Is he cheating on me again? Who is he talking to this time? Is he still talking to those girls I freely expressed I am not comfortable with?

Nowadays, I am sleeping much better. My dreams do not include you anymore. I am not waking up crying thinking when will you come back. I am better now. I am still healing, but in a much better place.

I still love you. I will always will. I always told myself that you were my true love. I still want to thank you for giving me a lesson that I deserve better.

I know you are happy with your new girl now, or should I say Old? So glad you came back together. I just hope you will treat her better

Peace and love. I am out,

[littlemisstonydiary]

Vivid Dreams Part3

I am having these vivid dreams again. They felt so real and I am wondering if my soul/ astral was traveling again. I always feel tired and I don't know if it is because I am exhausting myself to work, dehydrated, or maybe what they were saying is true. You sometimes feel drained when you are astral projecting.

The first part of my dream is to be in the province where I was with my friends. I knew I was dreaming and I was happy I am. Strangely I find myself spying on my brother ( who looks bad boy with all the ear piercing and wearing a sando) getting a package from someone. I can't understand why, but I found myself following the guy and thought we will die. I woke up after 5 hrs of sleep.

I slept again after 2hrs. And it was a continuation of my dream that day. This time I was with a group of people for a celebration. I found myself in a group of single people.

"kelan ka magkakajowa?" they asked me.

"Pag nagkajowa na si Ate Uge" Surprisingly, I realized I am part of the group with celebrities. I am not sure if that actress is really single. LOL

Next scene: I found myself with the same group of people in a small space. There was a commotion as they were saying someone got inside one of the rooms. I heard someone saying that there was a drunk girl. I panicked and did my best to destroy the door using a cologne bottle. That is actually funny. Then the owner said we should stop and let them be as they might not have any place to stay. I was panicking thinking someone could've been raped inside and continued banging the door with the bottle. After some time, I successfully made a hole that let me open the door. To my surprise, I found one of my agents with his boyfriend inside. I pulled him out and hid him in the next street space.

" You should be careful as there are 2 kinds of people. 1. Those who love gay people and those who are homophobic." I hugged him and he said " But we are not doing anything wrong. We are meeting a client and he just gave us a clue. He said that we will be seeing a sock and that's where he is. That's why we decided to get inside that room to look for the sock"

I let him go and made him promise they will be careful. On my way back to the place, I found the gray sock with green soles. A pang of guilt came over me that I judged them. The next thing I saw is they found their client and they are being careful not showing any PDA, They waved at me happily and pointed to their client. I just smiled back.

The next scene is I found myself in a basement trying to figure out if I should pass as there is a helicopter on the way. Then someone came and destroyed the helicopter. He was driving an armored car. He asked everyone to go thru the atm hole going to the armored car. I felt that it is not a good idea and decided to hide from one of the closets. They didn't notice I am not with them. Suddenly, a wave of people came running to the car and wants to kill them. I stayed hidden in the closet,

The next thing I know is, I am riding a bike with someone looking at the stars. Then out of nowhere, the man who was driving the car flew out of nowhere and told me that if only if I rode the armored car I already have a paper as he could've retrieved my body. The horror I saw when he was being chased by a giant robot dog.

Then I woke up.

[littlemisstonydiary]

0719 dream

I've been having weird dreams lately. Is it because I've been stressing about changes in my life now? I really don't know.

Yesterday, I dreamt about getting a tattoo of GD's daisies and BB's lightstick? Is this a sign? Daisies often co-relate with New beginnings, innocence, and purity. They said it was one of the Goddess' favorite flowers. I don't know why it came out my dream and having that determination to have it was unbelievable. In my dream, it was offered and I felt happy and excited to have that inked.

Today, I had another weird one. This time in my dream I was holding a kid and jumping from one place to another looking for a doctor to check on this baby. Everything was doing smoothly and fine until I came across a tent that wanted me killed for some reason I don't really know or understand. I ran with all my might and made it to the borderline of my area. I was saved because they can be killed if they trespass. After years or months or I don't know, I was just sitting near the window when I saw a lady that's pushing a long cart. I had a hunch that I knew those were the people who wanted me dead. The next scene was they are inside my house, and I hold a gun that my father gave me. It was a pellet gun with jade pellets. Everything happened so fast and all I can remember was I thought I scared her but she suddenly took a gun at the top of the cupboard and shot me. I didn't feel the pain nor think I am dead. All I know is I was shot and I no longer can remember what happened next.

It's bothering me that I am having these vivid dreams. They said you can only have vivid dreams if you were astral projecting. Is that why my body is so tired lately? Am I astral dropping again?