littlerain-cloud

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Worth doing

[Drawing of a blue cloud saying “Your progress is real. Your progress is yours. Your progress is good.” in a green speech bubble on a yellow background.]

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Even if it is not completely like a depression, I found it good to listen to. Hopefully it can bring a smile to your face.

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Here is a young woman who only just now has shared the struggles she has been through and her road to recovery. This is not her usual content, but give it a look. I felt it is relevant to this blog’s theme.

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Dear Mood Diary - Day 1

Here is one of the tools my course has available to help you through a depression. It is not a cure by any means, but some of the struggles with depression is the fact that you just cannot express the feelings you struggle with during a depression. So, you write a mood diary. So my mood today can be described as: "frustrated." The reasons to this emotion was because my boyfriend was in a utterly foul mood and I just could not figure out why! He had gotten jealous over the weekend because a thespian colleague was trying to "sneak-up" on me and give my shoulders a massage. And that has passed on through to yesterday and today, but it cannot keep going, can it? I do not dare ask, because all I get is either "Nothing" which I know DEFINITELY does not mean nothing. I feeling like walking on egg shells and I do not know which way to turn. See you, Little Rain Cloud

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Commitment vs. Devastation

Commitment is something I have found to be the hardest thing to do when you suffer from depression. You start of with all the best intentions in the world. Starting a dream education, job, project and everything is going GREAT! New friends, colleagues a new and exciting experience. You feel like you're settling in just fine. It's great! Then, suddenly something happens. You say something to your superior or colleague and they give you a response that was not what you expected. You start to worry what they are thinking. About what you said, what they think about you as a person. From the way they responded, they must clearly think you are a little dense, maybe. Weird. Despite that you try to act like it was just a fluke. Then you feel out of place. People are looking at you. Staring.... They start not wanting to be around you. The morning showers to be ready and groomed for college/work become less and less. Effort in your work is going in the same direction. Everyone else is doing a less than minimal effort so why should you more.... Superior is noticing and tells you that you need to tighten up or you may not have job here. You say, you will do so, but deep down you can feel it is not going to help anyway. Nobody wants you around. You are not wanted. The dream has turned into a horrible nightmare. The joy you so briefly had in the beginning is all gone. You wonder where it all went. What happened to suddenly take away everything that was going so well? Maybe.... Maybe you were just fooling yourself. Maybe no one wanted you around. Maybe you fooled them at the job interview or entrance exam and got through.... And now it is falling apart. This duality of joy, excitement battling the the heavy burden of devastation is..... Gut-wrenching to say the least. I would love to hear from you and share them here. Maybe you have ways of staying committed to something. I am currently of such a course and I will share what have been taught. Maybe it can help you as I hope it will help me. But I wanted to share one of these black periods, which you probably know personally or maybe seen in someone you know. Acknowledgement is important then help can be given. Keep calm and think well.

[littlerain-cloud]

New Years Resolutions

This is as good a time as any to start this story of mine. It is typically late as the mood was not the best and had not been since after Christmas. More on that in a later blog post.

But before I start this resolution, I think it would be in order to explain the purpose of this little moody tumblr blog. I was diagnosed with a moderate-to-severe depression about two years ago but really the problems started way before that. Furthermore, I felt like I had hit a really rotten and poisonous puberty. I was sudden conscious of feelings and thoughts that were completely foreign and frankly, horrifying! . Now, I live in an EU country where talking about psychological illness such depressions is not a tabu as such, but it is frowned upon. People are generally either sickeningly sympathetic to the point of patronizing, snort as they see you as a lazy a-hole or you are the family shame and secret. Loneliness is a huge part of this... Experience. In my case it is the loneliness of not feeling I should burden others with my depression. Others may feel no one understands what they are going through. That is why I started this blog and my New Years resolution. I want to share the thoughts I have, both the bad and the good so others can know that they are not alone. This is also for those who know someone with depression and give them insight into how my depression and maybe use it to help others in their depressing periods. So, I will post when these thoughts pop up and I can only encourage you to share your thoughts because my depression is not completely the same as yours. Sincerely, Little Black Rain Cloud