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BLACK LIVES MATTER. YESTERDAY, TODAY AND TOMORROW. @ noturjacky on IG

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Babies first Christmas was a major success and blessing 🎁❤️

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Happy holidays from the cutest lil elf there ever was

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You’re 1 month old today. 🖤 Why doesn’t it feel like you’re growing?

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Parenting has been a huge challenge to our relationship, but I am forever grateful for you, my love.

I never in a million years could’ve dreamed up a better man to call mine. You never make me feel bad about my emotions, and you take care of me better than you take care of yourself sometimes.

Seeing you with our son feels like the most unreal thing and I can’t believe how amazing you are with him. Sleep deprived and overworked you still come home everyday and you don’t hesitate to take over the responsibilities. Just for the sake of me getting in a shower and some rest. You are so selfless and beautiful inside and out.

I owe you everything. I love you. Thank you for being the best father. The best lover. The best ever.

I will never stop trying to be better for you. I love you for ever and ever.

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2 weeks old today. Sleeping better & getting *more* of a routine down. Caught a little bit of sanity & officially decided I no longer think I will feed him off the boobz.

We’re gonna pump and suppliment and see how it goes.

I think stressing my body out and getting mad at it made things so much worse between both my relationship with myself, and with my partner.

My dad says baby can feel what you feel & you have to relax in order for him to relax, too. I think I learned that today.

Wish us luck tonight and through dads second day back at work tomorrow! 🖤

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Sometimes I feel so scared to be your mama. They say once your baby comes insticts kick in and to just follow them.

I don’t have those insticts, I feel nervous every single kiss that I give you on the cheek will hurt. I don’t feel like I know how to feed you or burp you or bath you or anything!

The only thing I’m sure of is that you’re my miracle from somewhere inside me that I cannot explain. And that I love you so much more than I thought possible. Your daddy says that’s all I need to be a good mama and the rest comes with time. He’s never been wrong about the important stuff so I’m hoping he’s right.

Thank you for making it all a little easier when you coo and explore the room around you with your beautiful eyes. I love you my son. I know we are learning and growing together. 🌱

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1st bathy 🛀🏻🥺

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Colorado kids 🍂

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Postpartum is real.

My postpartum journey has been hell and back again. I am so thankful my partner had 2 weeks off to help take care of our son while I’ve just been helpless in bed covered in hives and recovering from the stitches and the achiness and all the other fun stuff. It kills me when I can’t take care of him or spend time with them like I want to so badly.

Today I saw the allergist and it feels as if there is now a light at the end of this tunnel. I am getting bloodwork done and I am on a regiment of new allergy pills and steroids that are all safe for baby and are supposed to give me some energy.

Praying this works.

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3am

Today was tough.

I am covered in hives everywhere. We cannot figure out what is happening to my body and it feels like it is trapped and I feel like I am too crippled to take care of my son.

I fought through it for an hour though and I fed him and laid him down to go back to bed and he’s out again. I feel accomplished.

I see an allergist tomorrow. I am hoping and praying he/she can help. 🙏🏻

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Fall miracle 🍂🌙

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i have so many emotions i dont even know what to do with them. he has been here 9 days now and it is so hard to find sanity in all of this crazy, stressful, beautiful, sweaty, messy love that i feel.

i am constantly wondering about him. wondering if he is okay, wondering if he is going to wake up again, did i feed him enough? is he warm enough? too cold? he poops, i change him, he poops again, i change him, and one more time. 3 diapers in 20 minutes??

my breasts are hurting so badly. they bleed, they crack, then he latches and it hurts, and again, i cant tell if he is getting enough. but then i feed him the bottle, and its constant spit up, and he is never done. i pump and i pump and i pump but i fear he will never have enough.

i NEVER thought that”mom life” stuff was real, but wow do i get it now. everyone asks if youre okay, everyone wants to make sure you know support is there. but all i wanna do is be alone. im not even sad. i am so happy actually, but just so stressed that i will never figure this out and paul goes back to work in just 5 days...terrifying.

thats the other huge thing, paul. my sweet, sweet sweet paul. hes taken the most amazing care of me and our son, yet i feel so far away and removed from him. i try to feel close but i just feel like the only thing that matters in the world is Gabe. everything and every way i have ever felt about paul is still inside me, but its like its trapped inside this bubble that doesnt want to pop. i know this is all “normal” but i miss our love. our late night cuddles where he would wrap his arms around me and squeeze me tight in his sleep. now all i can do is manage to push him away. i feel so so lucky because i think he understands...he is always reassuring me and making sure i know he is there. but man are we both going through it.

i had to go back to the hospital not even a day after giving birth because i broke out into a rash all over my body. in the hospital we were there for hours with a brand new baby we had no idea how to take care of. it felt like my body was 100% no longer mine, it belonged to this new beautiful being who honestly deserves it more than me anyways. paul had to walk to labor and delivery from the er and luckily they gave him some donor milk and it was fine but i was miserable. i cant imagine how hard that was for him, or how terrifying. i am so proud of paul, he works so hard and i know he will ALWAYS put Gabe and i first, even if that means exhaustion and stress for him. i hope he can open up to me about it more.

my body is still experiencing some of the breaking out and i am out of the pills the hospital gave me, but i really think it has to do with the anxiety and the stress of this all, i am slooooowly learning how to make this all a balancing act, i just wish that balancing act did not have to go 24/7.

i am really going to try and write all my feelies down and make sure i am taking care of my brain and my body. i share it now, so it seems only fair.

on the flip side, mama life is the most amazing, fulfilling, loving feeling i have ever ever had. i feel like the grinch when his heart grows 10 sizes. i am so over the moon and back in love with my son. i wish i could hold him all day every day 24/7 and never have to worry. lord please help with the worry, because you know the day that comes when any tiny thing goes wrong with him i am going to F R E A K.

i am sharing these photos so i can remember this first CRAZY week. the good, the bad, and the ugly.

i love you gabriel david duncan. you have my heart. you are my entire world now. mama will do anything and everything for you. sleep deprived or not, we are in this together. forever, for always. i love you i love you i love you.

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30 weeks.