livinginajnbsong - Tumblr blog

[livinginajnbsong]

how is it that no matter how much effort i put in, nothing is ever recognized? cleaned half the house only to get screamed at about how i didnt do the other half. applied for so many workshops and societies in my university after working really hard on the purpose letters and genuinely being interested in bringing some change and none of them reverted. how is it always me? how is my sister getting her way with everything she wants but somehow when it comes to me, everything goes silent

[livinginajnbsong]

did I disappoint you too? you're the only one I had. the only adult I trusted.

[livinginajnbsong]

isn’t the music you discover when you’re sad so beautiful? the way you can feel your pumping heart with every beat of the song, you can feel your throat starting to hurt because you’re resisting the urge to cry, you can feel your breathing deepen and your surroundings blur out. All of a sudden, you look around, look out your window to see leaves glistening in the after-rain sun, see dogs chasing each other and people walking around leisurely. you’re feeling every lyric, even if you don’t understand the language. a light smile. you feel bad for yourself. but you’re happy you’re able to be in that moment and witness how slowly life moves. ah, is this what romanticizing feels like? the song ends and somehow you’re feeling a little better. the pain in your throat stays though

[livinginajnbsong]

on days like today, when i texted my mother on a whim saying “hey ma, can you make this for dinner” and she replied with a “sure”, i really wonder why she’s so nice to me. and since my brain cannot properly comprehend it, my thoughts go three ways at once. is she being fake nice to me because she’s forced to? you know, just because i’m her child. is she actually expressing a positive emotion towards me? does she actually mean it? because i’m not used to that, right. and lastly, do i even deserve this niceness? am i allowed to be on the receiving end of her affection?  all this piled up, i don’t even get a chance to appreciate the fact that for once, we’ve come to an agreement without spending 2-3 days fighting about it. it also makes me think about if this is how normal moms and daughters get along. do they get to spend time with each other without cringing? do they smile and laugh together, spend hours with the other without arguing, crying, hiding, forgetting?