liyemaaa

[liyemaaa]

Thoughts are quite jumbled again, I haven’t written anything in a long time so bear with me.

I remember the first time I was called selfish. I was probably about ten years old and I had refused to give a friend of mine the last bite of my cupcake. I remember how terrible I felt after being called that, how sick it made me that someone would dare imply that I lacked consideration of other people in any way. It felt horrible so I made sure to always share , to share more than I usually would , to make sure that nobody ever used that word to describe me every again.

Years of me practicing this lead to me feeling like nothing was ever really belonged to me and that I could not excersise ownership of anything despite it belonging to me. Somewhere along the way this translated into my emotions never really being mine. My love was not mine, it was my love for someone. My anger was not mine, it was my anger for something. My happiness was not mine, it didn’t belong to me. This is in no way me denying the nature of how emotions work nor me refusing to acknowledge that people/circumstances cause us to feel things. I am merely noting the fact that it wasn’t enough that those feelings were there, they had to be conveyed a certain way. A way that was palatable, with a controlled amount of intensity. Never too much. Nothing about that was me. There was nothing palatable about me, the intensity of how I felt things was enormous. There was no way I would be able to share that. At least not in a way that I think would be received well. So I didn’t and words like emotionless, cold hearted, unfeeling became words frequently used to describe me and these became very synonymous to the word the word selfish to me. And then I felt horrible again.

But as I continued to grow into myself and my emotions I realised two things. One, that I love to share , that I love being able to let people enjoy things with me and the feeling that comes with that and two , that sometimes I want things to belong to me only. That I do want that last bite, that I do want to feel my anger alone and not need to constantly express it to others, that I do want my happiness to belong to me , for my love to belong to me. Because nobody can take that away from me. Because sometimes we share with those who are greedy, those who take more than they can give and if I’ve given you everything because of my fear of that horrible feeling, as soon as that greed subsides and you find a new source, I’m left empty. I can’t have that. I refuse to. So yes, I will feel and I’ll be sure to share those as much as I can but in the same way I’d want the first and last bite of that cupcake, I want my emotions to start and end with me. So I’ve decided to let myself sit with them. Nurse them.Understand them. Own them as much as I can so that when they eventually are shared , they are shared from a place of love, a place of complete consideration and from a place of no fear. So this is me allowing myself to be a little more selfish. Wish me luck.

[liyemaaa]

The longer I live, the more deeply I learn that love — whether we call it friendship or family or romance — is the work of mirroring and magnifying each other’s light. Gentle work. Steadfast work. Life-saving work in those moments when life and shame and sorrow occlude our own light from our view, but there is still a clear-eyed loving person to beam it back. In our best moments, we are that person for another.

-James Baldwin

[liyemaaa]

most of all i hope you all find a reason to wake up and love each day despite it all. i hope you hear the birds singing or you buy a new candle or use a new fabric softener and it inspires you to keep going. each day holds so many possibilities. live to see the different outcomes. i believe in you and I’m proud of you for existing despite it all. you were made to experience life, so let life’s experiences be the reason you continue on.

[liyemaaa]

most of all i hope you all find a reason to wake up and love each day despite it all. i hope you hear the birds singing or you buy a new candle or use a new fabric softener and it inspires you to keep going. each day holds so many possibilities. live to see the different outcomes. i believe in you and I’m proud of you for existing despite it all. you were made to experience life, so let life’s experiences be the reason you continue on.

[liyemaaa]

[liyemaaa]

don’t wish away the good in your life thinking that it must belong to someone else or that someone else deserves it more. the voice that says ‘you don’t deserve this’ is lying to you 

when you feel yourself contracting against the beauty that descends on you like gentle rain, and you think to yourself- I deserve a storm. when you sense that the softness of it all contrasts too starkly with how jagged and rough you believe you are- that is when you must learn to unclamp yourself and open up.

open your eyes, find the sun and let it touch you

open your heart, receive the love that has found its way to you. bask in it

practice opening again and again and again

let the joy that frightens you keep you soft. and don’t let anything steal this from you. guard it fiercely, your right to delight in all the goodness that comes your way

[liyemaaa]

“Life goes on.”

we obviously see this saying quite a lot because it is true, life does indeed go on and we are forced to move with it. the hardest part about this isn’t necessarily the positive experiences that come with the continuation of life , but the things we are forced to let go while letting life go on. mundane activities like seeing your friends everyday , reading your book, taking a walk outside, talking on the phone, sending ridiculous snaps become less frequent. we meet others and the excitement of forming new relationships sometimes results in us failing to nurture the ones we have got. i have fallen victim to this , slowly isolating myself more and more from the people in my life so that they have space to make those new connections. the problem with this however is that i find myself starved of the very thing that i am giving them space to chase.

i was over at a friend’s house and we literally did nothing but everyday activities. we took a walk, had ice cream , washed dishes , laughed and napped together and it made me realise what exactly it was that i missed about the social interactions i have with the people i love. i missed being around people just for the sake of being around them. sharing a space with them. learning them. laughing at them. with them. the older and busier we get the more the mundane stops becoming something we can share. i am not exactly sure what the point of this little rant was but i think what i am trying to convey is that i miss being part of someone’s everyday life and them being part of mine? i miss looking forward to special occasions (like beach days, parties, cocktail dates) while also looking forward to little walks around the block, walking to mcDonalds to get a cone, binge watching a show and taking naps together. sharing space. i have found that this is the part of “life going on “ that i still struggle to accept and there’s nothing i can’t do because well ….life indeed goes on.

[liyemaaa]

i am still in a limbo, not exactly sure who i am or what it is that i want in life. actually scratch that, i know exactly what i want in life. i want to be able to articulate myself without fear. i want to experience the healthiest and most beautiful love, one that is catered to my being (as soon as I figure out what it is). i want to burn incense in my cozy apartment full of flowers, books and records. i want to grow into myself and all that i stand for. i want to stop being my biggest enemy, to love each and every part of myself wholeheartedly. i want to grow closer and closer to my friends, to show that just how much their presence in my life has shaped me. i want to be able to allow myself to feel. to let those feelings take me wherever they want to as long as they leave room for me to return to myself. i want to stop romanticising my loneliness. i want to fall in love with the all the hobbies growing up forced me to neglect. i want to grow and know that i will eventually. so i’m starting small, slowly picking up my pen with the hope that all my desires on paper become my reality.

[liyemaaa]

<3

[liyemaaa]

@academia-lucifer

[liyemaaa]

[liyemaaa]

Here are the small pleasures I want for my life: to watch my freshly-hung linen blowing in the breeze in my lush green garden, to eat and drink out of ceramic vessels that I made myself, to have candle lit dinners with my love, to be held and loved in my very own community, to be able to raise creative, compassionate and well-adjusted children, to live a life of authenticity and wellness instead of perfection and performance, to be close to God, the to be deeply loved by the person that I bare my soul to, to write and receive letters, to water the vegetables in my garden and learn the meaning of perfect timing as I harvest them, to cook new recipes for people I love, to bake and taste sweet treats, to to travel and read widely, to be kissed sweetly, to have adventures, to watch my hair grow with excitement, to leave my mark in my little creations (writing, painting, designing), to feel whole and healthy in my body.

[liyemaaa]

August Concept

Candlelit journaling sessions, lemon-infused water, chamomile tea before bed, Epsom salt baths, daily movement, getting lost in books again, hair masks, sisterhood, vintage movie theatres, clean linen, soul work, rose scented incense, bouquets of flowers full of baby’s-breath, eucalyptus in showers, deep prayer and meditation, whole foods, walks under tree canopies, midnight star gazing.

[liyemaaa]

can’t wait to do this with my friends.

[liyemaaa]

the water reflection of the bridge

[liyemaaa]

“When you’re deeply sensitive, love is ecstasy. Music is godlike. Heartache is a wide, somatic wound. Visual natural beauty is jewel-drenched, wild bliss. Tension and conflict are muscle tightening and toxic, straight down to the cells. So how do you hold it all? You rinse, re-centre, and remain clear. You recycle your sensitivity by propelling yourself and others to create waves of change in a super starving world. Direct your passion by spreading your heart only across what clearly matters most. Surround yourself with the souls and spaces that groove alongside your own- the ones that also desire to chase the beauty, courage and freedom we’re all here to teach each other. Choose love over fear and let go of all the rest, breathing what isn’t best for you straight out of your bones. Remember-there is power in the body. Harness it for the greater good, and allow nothing confusing, peace disrupting, or hurtful stand in its way.”

— Victoria Erickson 

[liyemaaa]