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i held my old boy in my arms for the last time, today. his frail frame rested so dearly against my chest. for the last few weeks, he’d already been declining: barely eating, never playing, and having trouble with incontinence. today was time for his suffering to finally end.

words can’t begin to describe the aching pain i feel. not only has this been a terribly difficult year in my life, but lucky has always been there for me through it all. i remember crying on the floor out of my mind while my cat would gently brush up against me. it was time for me to return the favor of comfort: release him from his anxiety and pain. i kissed him on the forehead and cradled him like my own child. and then, he slept. his tiny heart beated for the last time under my palm. god knows how i will cope, but i know things will inevitably be okay

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[ #54. Supermarket ]

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summer has passed me by

you should've done it to me sooner toss a penny for your prayers, sending signals off in flares and i own a weakness left to sleep and if i have another dream or two i might have none to keep

besides, you made that part of me who else is gonna keep me underneath the end of it all?

as far as i'm concerned, i took you in my heart could consider me disarmed price of laying down my weapons to you

cross my fingers and wish there was something i did to start a fight this way burning in the light, you say

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lake arrowhead #1

im back home! it feels weird to sit at my pc instead of a wooden armchair. my room feels oddly emptier with the chest holding the door open. but the pollen is better down here and i did miss my strat

the cabin on a weeknight. v and i went for a walk & a smoke in the early evening. our palm pals had movie snacks!! (j owns the owl hehe)

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in two quiet hours at the clinic, they ran an ultrasound on me and told me it was benign. i'll still have to come back in december for further monitoring.

upon relaying the aforementioned good-news, my mom broke down in immediate tears of relief. seeing my own mom cry for my life broke my heart in an unfamiliar way. she held me close and told me i'll know what it's like when i have a daughter... and i believe her. i don't understand it in her way yet. but in that moment, i relived a glimpse of my former infancy. i felt as if my hands were half the size of hers again. emotions in that cathartic depth are rare for me, but i've come to cherish them deeply

my parents proposed i consider getting a double mastectomy next summer since my family seems to be genetically predisposed to cancer. i have a good half year to think on it, really. it would suck to not be able to lift my arms for a while though,, ^^;;

i'm going to big bear with some friends come july; the writing is coming along the more i push myself to feel the words. instead of using my head, i'm practicing diligence of heart

i hope people enjoyed my ft on hostage by bodygaard! i think i'll surprise streaming with a song in the next 2 weeks. i realize i want to write more music about the everyday nuances as much as my deep tribulations. i don't like being distant as much these days

love , b

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long time no post these two

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last two weeks. life update time!

finished classes for the semester. growing my hair back a bit. i suck at tower unite golf; my brother turns 30 today !

on the less fun side of news i’m going in for an unprecedented breast cancer screening this morning after noticing an irregular mass :(anxious but to be #real life goes on!! things will b taken care of!!

sorry not much “real” music this past 6 months, things have been too crazy. learning to ground my own peace, and finally songwriting properly again

woohoo, hopefully i can have another desert summer ^^

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y so cute ;-;

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28 MAY 2024

stubble and animal

ねこかけねえ！！

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舞‐HiMEまとめ by sou

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21 MAY 2024

perfect kiss PV

Bernie, your mout is open….

バニちゃん…お口あいちゃうのね…

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do NOT take 19 units in a semester

ft. serial cookie baby experiments (with f&j)

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Some Bubbline art and a Fionna for practice and funs