lokelani977

[lokelani977]

Just Me

I wish I had more interesting things to share, cuter blogger names, more interesting title names to draw people in. Unfortunately I don’t and if I keep wasting time overthinking the little things I’ll never just get down to buisness. I am currently sitting in a Starbucks, retyping this for at least the 8th time, leg shaking, biting on my straw, feeling anxious about writing about my life and emotions, sharing them publicly with strangers and friends. Blogging about my life has been something I have been thinking baout for years, but the fear of rejection, not being accepted and people not being interested in what I have to say just seemed a little too much to handle. So instead of facing my fears, I decided to not do anything. But this year I swore to myself I am facing everything that terrifies me, no matter how much I tell myself I just can’t. So here I am, typing a buch of non sense. Bear with me, this whole sharing my life and writing about it thing is new to me. I’m sure this post will be too long and boring but I will try to make the best of it. I guess I’ll share a bit about me so you understad where this is all coming from and where I want to take this. I’m 22 years old, lost in the mess of life mostly, struggling to find my place, who I am. Struggling with my body image issues, but making it seem like I am totally fine on social media because thats what were supposed to do... Right? Struggling with anxiety, depression, an eating disorder and other “Normal” emotions that a majority of people are dealing with in private. I’ve cried in fitting rooms while shopping because my butt doesn’t look the way it’s supposed to in those butt boosting jeans. I’ve cried in my bedroom mirror because none of the 10 outfits I got inspiration from online looked the way they were supposed to. I’ve cried in my car mirror because as I was approaching the event I was about to walk into I realized my foundation didnt match my neck properly, my shadow wasnt blended perfectly and now because I had been crying my fake tan and mascara were now streaking with tear marks. Moral of the story, I need to get rid of all my mirrors.... Actual moral of the story is I have been around the mountain, over and over and over again. I’ve cried, I’ve starved, I’ve over eaten, I’ve tried “Magic diet pills”, strict diets, not so strict diets and cried some more because nothing worked. I could go on and on about all the times I have cried but I’m sure you’ve already skimmed down this far. I am on a journey that I dont understand, most of the times just turning in circles. But slowly, I am coming to terms with it, learning to make the best of every situation I encounter. I’m making this blog mainly for myself, gather my thoughts, watch my progress. But also along the way maybe help encourage someone else to just keep fighting. Life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, it’s not always smiles on social media, it’s not all about the adventures that we can post on instagram. It’s starting a new diet, then eating a doughnut and struggling to start again. Its crying in the mirror, not wanting to leave your bedroom. It’s crying in the fitting rooms because we dont look like billboard models. But most of all its coming together and fighting the fihgt with other people struggling with us. I want to post as daily as possible, dont be afraid to reach out!