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[loki-and-cuddles]

Your Loki

Pairing: Loki x reader

Genre: Angst but also fluff

Warnings: Very light mention of a food disorder, some self-doubt

Summary: Loki doesn’t think he deserves you. 

A/N: My very first posted story, I’m very excited but VERY nervous. This was inspired by the songs: Alejate de mi by Camila and Estoy Enamorado by Thalia and Pedro Capo (words in italics are the songs). Also, English is not my first language, so apologies for any mistakes. Hope you enjoy!

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He was acting different. All week he had been too busy to spend time with you. He no longer invited you to sleep in his room, or spend time in yours. He was kissing you less, hugging you less, and avoiding contact in general. You felt lonely and frustrated, but most of all scared. Had he changed his mind, did he no longer desire you, was a mortal not good enough. Of course not, how could you ever think you’d be good enough for a god, a prince, a king. You hadn’t slept well in the last week and it was beginning to show. The bags under your eyes were now slightly purple, your complexion was pale and no longer had it’s usual flush, and you were constantly zoning out, no longer paying attention to anything going on around you.

At first no one really noticed, you had always been shy and quiet. The first to notice was Nat, you would only smile to her good morning and hellos, and would no longer sit with her and Rogers to listen to their stories. Tony noticed when you stopped making sassy comebacks to his teasing, you were quiet, but had an attitude. It was after Tony noticed that they decided to corner you in the common room, asking what was going on.

“Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“Do you need to see a doctor?”

“You know I can afford one”

“You just have to ask”

“Are you doing it again”

“You said you had stopped”

“Did Loki cause you to start again”

“No!” You took a deep breath and lowered your voice. “No, stop. I’m eating just fine.”

“Then what’s wrong?” You were looking at the ground, but looked up when Nat asked. Scanning the room, you felt tiny surrounded by such intense and powerful people. There was one missing. Loki.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” You ran out of the room before they could say anything else or stop you.

You wanted to go to Loki’s room. You wanted to talk to him. Figure out what was wrong. But the idea of being told that you weren’t enough to your face, by the person you loved the most was too scary. So you headed to your room, sleeping to avoid your problems, had always worked. Somewhat.

There on your bed you found a single green rose with a note. All your fears were confirmed. If he had to leave a note instead of talking to you, it was bad. And bad meant he didn’t want you anymore. Sitting on the edge of the bed you debated on whether to open it or not. It would be devastating to see that you weren’t enough in Loki’s words. Those words would be burned into your mind for the rest of your life. But could you live without knowing what he had written for you? No, definitely not.

You slid your finger under the flap of the envelope and ripped it open. The note inside has perfect handwriting, not surprising. The ink was black, but had a glimmer to it. Your name looked beautiful at the top of the paper. Your vision blurred with tears in your eyes, you were gonna miss the sound of your name when he said it. His low husky voice that made your knees weak. The way his chest vibrated against you, his breath on your neck. You loved hearing his voice before falling asleep. Sometimes it was the only thing that put you to sleep, calming your racing thoughts before bed.

Blinking away the tears, you forced yourself to look down from your name, and read the rest of the note.

You need to get away from me, do it soon before I lie to you. Your skies turn grey, I now walk under the storm. Escape, leave. I shouldn’t see you any longer. Understand that even though I ask you to leave I don’t want to lose you. The light is no longer enough. You don’t want to walk on pain, barefoot. I know you’re still on time, I’m not who you really think I am. I didn’t fall from heaven. If you still don’t believe me, and wish to take the risk, you’ll see that I only deceive and cause harm and cause tears. Who else do I love? You know well I don’t deserve you, and I wish I could regret it and not tell you this. But an angel watches over you, and gave me the truth, so that I could show you the way out.

Tears were streaming down your face. He hadn’t signed it, it just ended there. Abruptly, much like you and him. How were you supposed to get away from him, if he gave you the reasons to live. Showed you the beauty in life. The many things that were worth living for, sitting right in front of you. He helped you see them. Yes, he has lied, and harmed others. But everyone does. And you were evidence that that’s not the only thing he was capable of.

None of this made sense, There was no way either of you could leave each other. You were stuck here. The tower was your only home. He was stuck here, on house arrest. He was to stay in the tower or go back to the dungeons of Asgard. Oh God-

You ran out of your room without a second thought and sprinted to Loki’s room. Not waiting to knock, you burst in, your breath raged from running. His room was empty. Everything was back to how it was before he moved in. A generic room, like any other in the building, for any other person to occupy. It was too late, he didn’t let you choose. He chose for you, and left. Your breathing started to pick up even more.

“No,” you whispered.

It was then that Loki walked out from the bathroom. He was wearing his leather attire, and his hair was combed back away from his face. He looked gorgeous, strong and regal, despite the tension in his shoulders and bags under his eyes. You let out a deep sigh, he was here, he hadn’t left. Yet.

Loki stopped dead in his tracks, eyes wide. He was just about to leave, just checking his appearance in the mirror one last time. And here you were, making his decision that much harder. But he wasn’t going to back down, he had to do this for you. You deserve the whole world, no, all nine realms. He couldn’t give you that.

“Y/n” it didn’t sound like you remembered it, his voice. It was cold and distant. Indifferent. It hurt, that one word uttered through his lips, hurt. Making your chest clench. But you had to believe that he was just trying to push you away. Succeed in his deranged plan to save you from him.

You lifted your arm and showed him the note, a few tears still slipping down your face. He had no reaction. Nothing. His eyes dropped to the paper you were holding out before him, and back up to your eyes. His stern face never faltered, not a single emotion slipped through.

“It’s not true”

“What is?” His voice was still indifferent, but there was something else, a little sliver of hope maybe. Or that could just be your imagination, your hope that none of this was actually true. You shook your head and dropped your arm.

“I wrote you something too, a while ago. Before you started avoiding me. Before this,” you motioned to the paper in your hand. More tears began to fall, “can I tell you before you leave?” There it was the tiniest change in his eyes, but it was there. It hurt him, to know you accepted his choice, his words.

“I hadn’t told you because I wanted to memorize it. I wanted to be able to look at you when saying every single word.

I want to drink the kisses from your lips

and in the air draw your name next to mine

To the sweet melody of a guitar

take a walk through passionate feelings

in the subtle embrace of the night

you will know what I feel

I'm in love

and your love makes me special

I'm in love

and it does me good, so good

to be in love with you

To feed only from our memories

and wake up from deep sleep

just to see you.”

As you say the words, tears still falling down your cheeks, you slowly see the mask fall. Little by little you see your Loki. The Loki only you get to see. Loki that enjoys his hair being braided, and watching rom coms with you. Loki that loves cuddles, and secretly enjoys being the small spoon, to be held and loved. Loki that will hush away your tears, and chase away your nightmares. Loki that was hurt over and over again, but finds strength in you, the same way you find strength in him. Loki that is vulnerable and selflessly loves, with every inch of his being.

You stare at his teary eyes, trying to tell him everything you feel, everything you fear. Waiting for an answer physically hurts your chest. You know he loves you, you can see it in his eyes. Your fear is that his fear of hurting you will be bigger than his love. That after all of this, he will still walk around you, out the door and leave.

He takes a step closer, never breaking eye contact. You are no longer aware of anything else but him. Another step. You start to feel dizzy, are you even breathing. Another step. You can feel his warm breath on your face. You glance down at his lips before looking back up. His eyes never left yours. You want to kiss him, you really do. But you're frozen in place. You've lost complete control of your body and all you can do is stand there and wait.

“I love you.” and then he bends down, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you into a kiss. You gasp into the kiss and wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him closer. The kiss was soft but eager, and you melted into him. All your fears and worries erased by his lips. When he pulled away to let you breathe you chased after his lips, your breathing not a priority to you. You hear him chuckle and you open your eyes to see him smiling down at you. His entire face was relaxed again, and his smile showed the genuine happiness and love he felt. Unable to stop yourself, you giggle. It makes you unimaginably happy to see him smile like that. At that moment you know that that's all you need. To be able to wake up to that smile everyday, and that smile to be the last thing you see before drifting off to sleep. He quirks a brow.

“What is so funny to you?” you shake your head.

“I love you too.”