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Labor & Delivery PTSD

Nothing puts your life into perspective more than watching one of your best friends give birth. The days have since passed but I will forever have the image imprinted in my mind of a girl who I have seen drunk as shit lying spread eagle in a hospital bed with blood coming out of what I had hoped was a small cut on her inner thigh... (do pregnant women shave?). After later questioning, the blood was not a shaving battle wound, it was in fact coming out of her lady hole... (I obviously knew this but the whole situation had me in such denial).

I wasn't even planning on or supposed to be there for the birth of my friend's baby, which if I might add was out of wedlock. YEAH GET PISSED CONSERVATIVES AND OLD PEOPLE! IT’S 2016.

The whole thing happened so fast and of course I just happened to be in the right place at the wrong time. Or maybe I was in the wrong place at the right time? I have never understood that expression. All I know is that being there for the arrival of new life was in fact life changing.

I just dropped by to visit on my way home from work; her water had broke just a few hours prior. She was sitting up laughing at my "will she come out black" jokes and participating in mine and the baby daddy's game of "what time will she arrive." Yes the baby daddy was present, and yes he was crying. I would be too if my life was about to end.

I was not at the hospital for 20 minutes before shit hit the fan, literally word on the street is that women shit while giving birth... like seriously ladies, figure it out.

Her epidural was continuously pumping her with all the right juices; she couldn't feel a thing from her waist down. Mid-laugh while debating whether or not she should eat her placenta (my idea), the doctor walked in, did a quick baby shoot check and calmly announced that it was time to push. The doctor's gloves were on up to her elbows (WHY?), my friend's feet were in the stirrups and she was practicing her pushes faster than I could register what was about to happen. It was baby time and I was not ready.

My friend and her boyfriend's lives were about to change forever. Everything got so surreal so fast. And there I was stuck in an unbelievably comfy hospital chair stuffing melted M&M's in my face frantically trying to gather my things in fear of hearing a baby cry. Turns out, babies aren't born that quickly and I also wasn't moving at all. My sweaty hands weren't functioning and my jaw was dropped to my vagina as I glanced up and accidentally looked into my friend and out her mouth. Before I could sneak out of the room my friend grabbed my hand. I will never forget the look on her face. I still can't tell if it was a look a fear, her screaming "help" with her eyes, or if she was so out of it that she thought I was her boyfriend. I just knew right then and there that there was no leaving now.

So there I was, little ole me who gets faint at the sight of her own blood stuck in a labor and delivery room of Cedars Sinai hospital nervously yelling out, "Hey! Just breathe, maybe Kim Kardashian gave birth in this exact bed!"

And there she was... the bright-eyed girl I awkwardly met 4 years ago in the doorway of our dorm room, both nervously smiling at each other on the day we had both moved away from the only places we had ever known, both not knowing how good of friends we would soon become. There she was, squeezing my hand and telling me not to look (but I seriously couldn't help it), the girl I stayed out with all night sneaking into bars with our fake ID's and drinking more rum and cokes than we should have on a school night. The girl I woke up next to on my 21st and a half birthday with our snow covered boots still on laughing because we each had a different story about how we made it home the night before. There she was about to give birth to a little girl and all I could think about was how badly I needed to get out of there and if I remembered to record the series finale of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. My mind was in a million different places as I was trying to decide if this was an appropriate time to start live snap chat story'ing it.

I only witnessed the beginning of the end of my friend's life before quickly exiting the room and b-lining it to the waiting area in fear that I myself would wake up in a hospital bed. I was nausea, on the verge of either puking, fainting, or death when I realized that what I had begun to witness was a miracle. One of my best friends was only a few hundred feet away from me bringing new life into the world and there I was hyperventilating while searching the bottom of my purse for vending machine quarters.

An hour later I had to sneak my way back to my friend's room. (Security's no joke in hospitals these days). Standing outside the door, still shaky from the intense scene that was in the room only an hour earlier I heard a baby crying. The baby was actually screaming bloody fucking murder and I'll be honest I thought about leaving. To my surprise when I walked back in there were twins.

HAHA just kidding, but wouldn't that be something?

Turns out the one baby my friend gave birth to was born just minutes prior. I witnessed the dad hold the baby for the first time, I witnessed my friend get her vagina stitched up then put into an adult diaper. I was there for all the tears parents shed when they finally meet their little creation. Standing in the corner of the room having a panic attack I found myself also crying. I still can't decipher my tears. Was I crying because what I was watching was beautiful? Or was I crying because I was irrationally feared that my friend and her boyfriend would suddenly drop dead and the doctors would just hand the baby to me because again, I was in the right place at the wrong time? I don't know.

If friend you are reading this, I want you to know that you did great. What you pushed out of your very small lady area is no easy task. I'm proud you didn't give up and just jump out the window like I would have. You are already such a great mom and I can't get enough of your precious little human, until she starts simultaneously crying and pooping of course. Then I am beyond happy to hand her back over to you and smile because I get to go home to my empty apartment and very tight vagina.

There's no better birth control than what I experienced. I now know what to look forward to when I decide to have a baby. Better hope they figure out how to make that possible when one is 65.

Congrats again friend, you now have a cute tiny human to take care of... only forever.

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