losingamother

[losingamother]

Fatherless Fathers Day

Here’s to those missing their dad today. I lost both my grandfathers this year and somehow selfishly it’s the first time I’ve thought of all the people out there who are as sad today as me on mother’s day. So here is to you. Stay strong.

[losingamother]

Behind the photo

There are always pictures you know the story behind. Or you find out the story behind. Social media has given us the ability to share photos and those pictures may capture a moment, but do they capture the story. Yesterday on facebook I got a notification about “this year today”, photos from five years earlier coloring Easter eggs with my then 7 year old brother, 16 year old brother, dad and boyfriend.

Most of the photos are (no shock here) of my adorable 7 year old brother.  The cutest little boy coloring Easter eggs and decorating brownies with a big smile on his face.

What you don’t see, the story behind the photo. What you don’t see is the fact that that young 7 year old innocent little boy’s mom died a few weeks before. What you don’t see is me holding back tears as my dad writes “mom” on one of the eggs. What you don’t see is a family grieving on the inside but clinging to a sense of normalcy.

What you don’t see is the story behind the photo.

[losingamother]

Pennies from heaven and Facebook algorithm

Have you heard of pennies from heaven? The idea that if you find a penny on the floor it’s a sign from your loved one in heaven. When my mom died my aunt told me about this. She said it would help my 6 year old brother to know mom was still around. We put a container of pennies into her coffin and she explained to him that mom would place them around so he would know she was there. We ALL grasped on to this idea. I would see my other brother who was 15 quietly stop to pick up a penny on the ground or find pennies in dads pocket. I don’t pick them up anymore. I leave them for some other kid needing a sign from mom. But whenever I do find one I smile and say hi mom. Last night I had a late night at my internship. I missed my train stop and had to get off st a different stop. I found a penny on the ground and smiled and said hi to momma. When I got home I was browsing Facebook and got an ad from things remembered. It was for an angle and the inscription was “He’ll always be there for you, Love Fran” Fran is my moms name. Could this be Facebook algorithm pulling information to target me through advertising, sure. Am I going to take it as a sign from my mom though? You bet. Sometimes it’s not a penny.

[losingamother]

Have you ever heard of hit record?

If not check it out. But they put out a post today and it said something like “If you could tell your younger self 4 words of advice what would it be?”

Mine was. “Spend time with mom”

Not because I didn’t at all, but I wish I would have spent every waking moment with her. I never thought that I would have so few years with her. So yeah, spend time with mom. All the time. Anytime.

[losingamother]

I am so very glad I found your blog. My mom is in her 4th stage of COPD. Very recently she developed asphyxia in her lungs. Basically her lungs are caving in and she is slowly, painfully suffocating. She was just put on hospice care a few weeks ago. My mom and I didn't always have the best relationship but her and my dad are still married (I'm 22) and I lived with them until I was 20. My dad has known her since he was very little. I'm so scared of losing my mom. Watching her die is worse than

That is so hard to go through. I hope you are doing the best that you can.

[losingamother]

Happy birthday mommy.

Today I should be making you dinner. We should be sitting round full from homemade lemon meringue pie. We should be enjoying a cup of coffee and each others company. 

Maybe we would have went away on a little vacation. Maybe we would have spent the day shopping. Maybe we would have gotten our nails done. Maybe we would have done nothing at all but be together.

[losingamother]

"The number you've called is not available."

Seit fast fünf Jahren bist du nicht mehr bei mir bist. Manchmal rufe ich deine alte Nummer an, um deine Stimme auf der Mailbox zu hören. Heute, an deinem und Papas 37. Jahrestag, habe ich wieder angerufen und statt deiner Stimme, kam eine automatische Ansage "diese Rufnummer ist leider nicht vergeben. Rufen Sie die Auskunft an.". Wie gerne ich die Auskunft anrufen würde, um deine Nummer zu bekommen aber da wo du jetzt bist gibt es kein Telefon. Wenn man jemanden verliert, der einem alles bedeutet, stirbt dieser Mensch nicht nur einmal, er stirbt jeden Tag und es fühlt sich jeden Tag schrecklich an. 1751 Tage an denen ich dich verloren habe. 1751 Tage an denen mein Herz immer und immer wieder bricht. 1751 Tage an denen ich dir nicht erzählen kann, wie mein Tag war. Unendliche Momente an denen ich dich brauche und du nicht da sein kannst. Es ist verrückt wie nah du bist und zugleich schwindest du immer mehr. 1751 Tage an denen so viel passiert ist; mein 18. Geburtstag, mein Abitur, mein Führerschein, mein Umzug, mein Studium, alles ohne dich. Und das ist erst der Anfang. Wenn ich heirate, wärst du die erste Person zu der ich rennen würde um die gute Nachricht zu feiern, ich würde mit dir nach Kleidern suchen und alles planen. Dann, später, wärst du mit Sicherheit die beste Oma der Welt, immerhin hast du mir 17Jahre lang zeigen können, dass du die beste Mutter bist. An jedem der 1751 Tage liebe ich dich unendlich und bin sowohl froh darüber dich gekannt zu haben und zugleich gebrochen weil ich dich verloren habe. Ruhe in Frieden Mama, Deine dich liebende Tochter

[losingamother]

I lost my mom 1 month ago after she fell down the stairs and hit her head. I honestly don't even know if I really accept the fact that she is gone yet or if I ever will. Everyone tells me I will have nightmares for the first year or so, but lately I just keep having dreams about what was normal. Just typical days with mom. Then I wake up and the whole thing hits me like a ton of bricks all over again. I guess I'm just wondering will the dreams ever stop? Or at least get less painful?

I am so sorry for your loss. That is so terribly tragic. I had a similar thing, where I would dream everything was fine and then wake up and remember it wasn’t and start all over. After a while they stopped but I wanted them back so badly because it was the only way I could see my mom. It’s been 3 years and I still get them every so often but I usually wake up happy because I got to see and talk to my mom again, even if only in a dream.

[losingamother]

A new happy.

There is never a time where I am happy that I am not sad.

The happier the time, the sadder I am.

Yesterday was my youngest brothers 5th grade graduation. He was 6 when my mom died. I am so proud of the man he is becoming. He is one of the sweetest, most caring, strongest individuals I know. He gave a speech at his graduation as well as won an award. I am so proud to be his sister.

With all of this pride and joy comes a few days of sadness. I am sad that my mom is not here to see this. I am sad that he doesn’t have a mom to see this. That he doesn’t have a mom to fix his shirt and comb his hair. I am so sad that in a few years he will have lived longer without her than he did with her. I am so sad that he has to live the rest of his life without his mom. That he has to ALWAYS be the kid without a mom. I am so sad that he doesn't get to grow up with her.

It’s the happiest days that are the hardest.

[losingamother]

We’re all feeling it a little extra today.

A little extra alone. A little extra lonely. A little extra sad.

[losingamother]

September 29th, 2012 is when I watched my mother die slowly in agony from cervical cancer. I was only 13 years old. Since then, I had to move in with a father I barely knew who ignored me to pursue the love of my stepmother. I'm 18 now, and I never shed tears or grieved until now because it hit me that hard. I feel alone constantly, but I came across your blog and seeing that I'm not the only one who gets to go through this stage makes me feel a bit more hopeful. Thank you for showing me that.

[losingamother]

“ I want my mom”

So I am in grad school now.

I met ALL new people. I had to tell ALL new people my mom is dead.

That being said I guess not all my friends know. It not really causal conversation. “Hi my name is Crystal, my favorite color is purple and my mom is dead” not typically the first thing you say to people.

But anyways. While spending the day cramming for finals with my friends my friend was said, “I want my mom”. And then proceeded throughout the day to day it a few times, how she wanted to go back home and she wanted her mom and blah.

Then later on everyone was talking about mothers day and what they were doing for it.

Here I am, alone, motherless.

I want my mom too.

[losingamother]

People don’t get it.

Until they do.

They don’t realize how much it actually hurts. They don’t know what you think about everyday.They don’t realize how little words make you feel.

They don’t. That is... until they do.

When they loose someone they realize all these things. You can tell by the way they look at you. They get it, they feel sorry for all those time they told you to be strong. They get it.

[losingamother]

I just found your blog at the most perfect time. My mom just died. Suicide. I'm 16 and I don't know what to do. Your blog literally perfectly encompasses all the feelings and thoughts and it's super beneficial. Thank you for existing

I am so sorry you are going through this. Glad that you found my blog though. Stay strong.

[losingamother]

Ma died last month. I'm 21 and never had a boyfriend or went on a date. Ma was all for girl stuff like dressing up and cosmetics and girl talks but I wasn't all that girly so we never had that kind of relationship between moms and daughters. I'm a bit anxious that maybe she was disappointed that I was not as girly as maybe she wanted her eldest daughter to be. She used to tell me that it was okay for me to get in a relationship but I shouldn't be too serious about it since I was still studying that time. I remember the first time she told me this, I was in my bedroom and reading a copy of Dante's Inferno I borrowed from the high school library. She sorta got surprised in this amused way when she saw I was reading about demons and hell. She was a big catholic, you see. But she was just like "OH! Why would you read something like that?!" and kind of smiled when she saw the book. That's how she would react whenever I did or said something "quirky" or whatever. Anyways, I don't know how in the world she opened the topic of having a boyfriend but she said I could get one even while I'm still young and studying. I always acted outraged and disgusted whenever she mentioned boys, but maybe she knew how much of a romantic I actually was. She used to find pages of my journal and sometimes I wrote about my crush. Before she died, while she was in the hospital bed not really conscious but possibly able to hear me to some extent, I told her that I would have a big grand wedding and give her grandkids, she just had to get well. I told her that she didn't have to go yet because she's never seen me with a boyfriend. I thought maybe we could have that girly mother-daughter relationship once I fall in love. Maybe I could ask her for some advice. Maybe I would date some tattooed and pierced mean-looking (but super kindhearted) guy, and she would disapprove at first but would let me still be with the guy because I was happy. Maybe I could cry on her shoulders when I have my first heart break. She'd probably cry too, knowing how emotional she was. But she died, and now I'm scared of falling in love more than ever because I can sense how awful my dad is feeling right now. My aunt lost her mom when she was 19 and now she's in her early 30s and married. Her husband still has his mom alive and my aunt told me how sometimes she would miss her mom so much that she would just cry. And her husband doesn't know what to do but let her cry, because he doesn't know what it's like. I know this is awful but I can't help feeling it: when I finally get into a relationship, I'd want it with a guy who's mom is dead too so he would understand what I feel and vice versa. There aren't a lot of people I personally know who's been where I am, and it makes me feel so alone. I want someone who knows what's it like, someone who wouldn't make me tiptoe around them or them around me. Maybe we can make each other feel less alone and like we'll be okay. Now, I'm certain that I'd want a nice frilly wedding with lots of flowers. I'd also want a baby even though my mommy, who loved babies and was very maternal, wouldn't get to hold her grandkid. I'm sure she'd watch over my future kids.

[losingamother]

Selfish stage of grief?

I got into graduate school. I moved out of my childhood home and into an apartment with my boyfriend.

If my mom was here I would call this growing up.

But since shes not I feel like I am abandoning my family. And in a way I know that I am.

My dad has had some legal issues, which I will get into at a later time, that doesn’t allow him to drive. My middle brother still has not gone into college which he dropped out of his first semester and promised to go back ever since. My youngest brother is only 10 and I’m not there.

I try and forget about these things because I need to do this for myself. Grad school is hard. I spend most of my time studying and I am really determined to do well.

At times I do feel selfish.

My middle brother, although not in school has really stepped it up for my family. He drives my brother to school, and my dad to work and to the appointments he needs to be at etc.

I sometimes feel really selfish in what I am doing. I don’t think my mom would want me to feel this way I don’t think my dad even thinks this, but sometimes I feel like I am being selfish. I don’t want to think about the issues my dad is having. I don’t want to think about why my brother can’t get himself back in school. I want to make myself successful and then I can worry about them. What does that make me?

[losingamother]

I’m Back!

I AM SO SORRY I HAVEN”T POSTED

I was required by tumblr to change my password and this blog was set up on my old tumblr which I used my email from middleschool?high school? Needless to say I didn’t have access to that anymore.

But I figured it out and I am here now.

SO. I can’t promise to post too much because I am now in grad school which is stressful but I will keep checking and as always I am here to talk.