lost-kidd21

[lost-kidd21]

my sweet kitten, you’re such a sleepy pet today. its adorable, my love. ugh, the way you find little sun spots to curl up in, nuzzled right beneath the crook of my chin. biiig kitten stretch. aren’t you just the cutest litte kitty? shhh, lay down for me. that's it, my pet, get comfortable, sweetheart. you want scritches, darling? hm? you want me to rub your tummy, pet your between your ears, kiss you little nose? you’re so precious, such a pretty pet for me. awwh, you like the way i rub you, sweet thing? you’re just about melting into me. brainless little kitty, purring so sweetly for me. mushy cat brain practically spilling out your tiny ears.

[lost-kidd21]

I'm grumpyy .. a veryy grumpyy cat !

*hisses* grrrr *bites bites bites*

I don't have anyone to bite eveenn !!

grrr ..

*chews on your favourite stuff*

or you know whatt ?

*chewss on your favourite piece of furniture*

haa !

you can't stop me !! I dare youu !

*knocks your stuff of the table*

>:3

[lost-kidd21]

I'm sad and .. upset ..

it's hard to explain .. I don't know if it's my fault to expect things like that ..

I find it hard to ask for it ..

I wanted some soft and gentle time, to take care of me until I can go to sleep, to rest softly with you ..

I want this softness and gentleness, for you to understand what I need even if I didn't ask for it ..

I don't know if it's because of the way your brain is, which I'm trying to understand ..

but I also have a difficult brain too with all these issues that I have with lots of anxiety and confusion but I still realise those little things ..

you kept talking about that thing you were watching, and here I'm .. anxious, soo sleepy and tired .. I mean ..

I don't know .. yes I'm sensitive, but I just wanted a soft time with you .. but I don't think you get it ..

I feel sad .. why I always get people like that ? I try so hard to understand .. but I have needs .. for the soft and gentle things ..

but I guess you don't get it, or maybe many people don't get it .. but it's not that hard ..

"hey how was your day ? *soft pet names*"

you're tired now ? that's okay .. good night *pet name*

reads a story for me in a gentle soft tone .. reminds me of the good things about me, about my personality and things like that ..

reassurance .. softness and gentleness ..

like dude .. it's sleeping time, and I've been awake for almost 20 hours, and my heart was racing because of fatigue .. and I was trying to listen to you .. because I didn't want you to feel upset ..

god .. like .. you didn't ask about my day, or things like that ..

you say goodnight like you're rushing ..

and ohh .. you keep talking about that show, which I understand .. the way your brain works .. but dude .. like ?

it feels .. I think I have the right to be upset and sad right ?

I felt like crying you know .. do people realise how these little things matter ?

or am I asking for too much ?

I mean I have all these issues and anxiety, but I still try to show how I care for people ..

did people forgot how to be soft and gentle ?

or how to show they care ?

I feel bad because I don't know if I'm asking for a lot, when I know they care .. but .. those little things matter too .. you know ..

be gentle and soft with those people you care about .. show them how you love them in little ways and big ways .. listen, work on yourself, try to understand them and ask for what they want or need ..

I'm just upset and frustrated, like ..

ugghh ..

I also had these uncomfy dreams again, and I'm so freaking tired and overwhelmed, and I have this appointment that I'm worried about which will take a lot from my energy ..

and every time I take a break for myself I feel bad, because I don't want others to think I'm ignoring them or that I don't care ..

and I don't want my heart to go cold too,

but I'm so fucking tired dude ..

I'm so fucking drained and I still manage to show that I care .. even in those little ways that I can at the moment .. even when I feel all this pain inside my heart and crying and depressed I still show people I care for them ..

I still manage to show up for others .. despite how bad I feel ..

is it me or is it people ? or am I just kinda unlucky when it comes to people ?

anywaay .. I don't know what I'm supposed to do ..

I don't know how to become selfish and cold ..

maybe that's what I'm supposed to do ..

but I can't .. because I care ..

I still care despite it all .. and I want to leave good things in other people's lives ..

I want to show others that I care ..

I want to be there for you when you think no one's care ..

but I'm so tired and drained,

so tired ..

but I can't stop, so I continue to look for something, anything that can make my heart feels alive .. soft and sweet ..

...

I just woke up so this might not make much sense, but .. yeah ..

I'm also aware this blog turns sad with lots of vents sometimes, because I want to be real ..

and I want to show all of these sides of me ..

and maybe if someone out there like me, they will find some comfort knowing they aren't so alone ..

and also, this is how having mental issues is like, and I'm real about it .. I want to show all these sides of me .. whatever they are ..

[lost-kidd21]

everytime I talk I end up regretting it ..

everytime I vent I wish I never said a word ..

why I continue to do the same stuff over and over, like I haven't learned my lesson yet ?

embarrassing myself with all this trying ? looking desperate for something to help ..

I think maybe it's not meant for me, friends or relationships, something or a lot is just wrong with me .. now my stomach hurt and I wish I didn't talk about it ..

I think I might be unlucky .. even when you try to get help you find the opposite ..

you won't find hugs and reassurance words, just being blamed for what you do ..

and I know eventually others will leave, they will see how sick I'm and realise they don't know how to deal with that, and neither me hahaa ..

I wish if therapy actually worked hahaa ..

I wish I was normal, wasn't too sensitive, didn't have this kind of brain .. those deep fears that I have ..

I don't have anymore energy to give, and I don't like to dissappear suddenly because I don't want to worry people or upset them .. and I don't want them to think that I just left ..

I do care .. I care a lot ..

but my heart is bleeding, and I don't have the energy anymore to take care of your wounds ..

I need to take care of my heart ..

I need to find something for myself, although I wish for closeness and connection like everyone else ..

I just think it's not meant for me .. I've tried enough I think .. although a part of me still wish for something ..

but maybe no one can handle me when I'm like this, and getting help didn't work, several times .. so I will just be alone here by myself .. my hobbies, my cats, my favourite things ..

even if it's sad or alone or scary ..

I can live like that .. I can be alone, I will live and I will be alright ..

just need to stay away from people ..

so I'm sorry when I can't be there for you ..

sorry I'm not that good of a friend, or partner or whatever ..

I can't, and no one will understand that .. and I will be okay with it ..

maybe that what it is meant to be ..

you say you won't leave but I know,

you will just start to leave slowly ..

no one can deal with it .. and I can't be there for others when I'm like this ..

no matter how hard I try, or how much I've worked on myself .. still it's not good enough ..

my heart is just hurt of it all ..

I'm not sure what more I can handle ..

so I'm sorry when I can't be there for you,

but you won't need me .. that's what I know ..

you don't need me .. and even if you did, I can't be there always for you, even if I wanted ..

that's how it is .. I most accept it .. I need to stop looking for things ..

[lost-kidd21]

Dorianne Laux, from a poem featured in Only As The Day is Long: New and Selected Poems

[lost-kidd21]

sleepy but want to play games *pouts*

I have these few games I want to check out "while it's still on sale"

they r for da big adults ! scaryy stuff !

m not so sure if I can be brave enough to play it but I will do some research :3

[lost-kidd21]

today I went out, bought my choco milkshake, a doughnut too ..

went to the toys store, I tried so hard to not buy many things hahaa,

I got a new lego set, it is of animal crossing, a few other toys .. a comfy new stuffed animal or pillow ? and a puppy puppet ✨️

those stuff supposed to help cheer me up, I was excited, but then wasn't .. I got anxious ..

it's okie .. I know sometimes other people might not get excited about what I find so cool ..

I don't feel like sharing many things lately, I just want to keep it to myself ..

and want to spend my time mostly alone, keep my emotions to myself ..

it's better this way ..

also I'm trying to do stuff that I need to do, so yeah ..

[lost-kidd21]

can i get lost in your arms for a while?

[lost-kidd21]

You deserve a person who loves you even at your worst.

[lost-kidd21]

you always love what you can't have ..

[lost-kidd21]

[lost-kidd21]

[lost-kidd21]

[lost-kidd21]

Come here, little one. Let's sit together for a bit. No big rules right now. No chores waiting. Just you, right here with me. Bring your coloring book, your stuffies, whatever makes you feel small and safe. I'll be right here while you scribble away and tell me all about your silly little stories. Sounds nice, doesn't it?

[lost-kidd21]

What's this? A whole handmade card? Stickers, glitter, your best handwriting, all just for Daddy? Come here. You're getting the biggest cuddle for this. Don't pout, sweetheart. Daddy doesn't need presents or fancy things. Just you. Just this. Just a quiet day with his favorite little one. Now, scoot closer. Let's read this card together. Again. And again. And again. Daddy's not getting tired of it any time soon.

[lost-kidd21]

Daddy’s inner monologue while he cuddles his baby

God she’s so adorable.

If anything ever tries to hurt her then I swear I will destroy it

I want to hold this adorable little thing forever. I’m never letting go.

How did I get so lucky? She’s everything to me.

I know the world sometimes hurts her. I’m going to do everything I can to keep her safe.

Daddy’s actual words

Shhhh, daddy loves you

[lost-kidd21]

—Margaret Atwood, “The Woman Who Could Not Live With Her Faulty Heart”, from Selected Poems II (1976-1986)