lostmyjets - Tumblr blog

[lostmyjets]

[lostmyjets]

I often find myself reflecting on the past. I have always struggled with holding on to things— people, places, memories. Whether it be too much or not enough, I fail to find a good balance.

I always tell people I wouldn’t take back my experiences because they have made me stronger, but I admit it’s a front. I admit that I’m damaged. Not beyond repair but it’s difficult for me to find the strength within to surpass it all.

I admit that I’m insecure. I never feel like I’m enough no matter what anyone says. I’m a people pleaser. I want you to think I don’t care what anyone thinks, but I care more than most; more than I should. I try to satisfy people because maybe if I’m exactly what they want me to be I’ll somehow be enough for myself.

I admit that I’m not a good friend. I have so much love in my heart but I struggle with reaching out. I resent myself for not being able to show up more for the people I care about. I often fear being left behind. On the other hand, I know there are so many people I’ve had love for that I simply never spoke to again. We never actually catch up when we say we will.

I admit that I’ve hurt people. I never wanted to but my actions can sometimes be selfish. I think I spent so much of my life not giving a fuck about being alive that I programmed myself to shut down, to shut out, even when I don’t really want to.

Every once in a blue moon I read the news articles from my abuser’s arrest over 10 years ago. I came upon a news article I didn’t recall seeing before and began obsessively digging for a specific press release and court documents to no avail. I hid it from my boyfriend while he laid next to me because I didn’t know how I would explain why I had to find it so badly— I don’t know why.

I still can’t bring myself to reconnect with anyone on that side of my family. My grandma misses me and I miss her but it’s so fucking complicated. Everyone else stopped trying to reach out a long time ago.

My biological mom makes me feel like the most evil person on the planet— rejecting a sick mother begging for my love. But she rejected a sick child literally screaming out for help, begging to be heard. I can’t find it within myself to forgive her excuses for being a bad mother. She’s dying and it haunts me that we may never reconnect again.

I remember being jealous of kids with visual illness. I was rotting from the inside and nobody could see me— I craved the love and attention and affection I watched those kids receive. I actually thought “maybe if I have cancer people will give a fuck about me.” I think I still have some of that mindset engrained in me.

I’ve spent the past year trying to heal from a relationship that put me back in a place I hadn’t been in a long time. I spent the better part of a year trying to prove to myself that this specific man could love me. I tried to find my worth in him. Instead he broke me and before too long I was completely emotionally unstable. I cried more often than not. I was miserable and I believe he wanted me to be. He felt that I deserved it. I know he still believes that I cheated on him and lied about being raped and that pisses me off.

I tried to take my own life and when that didn’t work I numbed myself with drugs so much that I put a dime-sized hole in my septum. That hole in my nose is a daily reminder of everything I went through and I fucking hate it.

I haven’t been the best at relationships since being with him. I dated someone who was almost too good to me because it was such a polar opposite from what I had just been through. He was a great guy but I began seeing my childhood abuser in his face. I told myself to look past it and shoved it all down and stayed with him. One night he was waiting for me to come home from the bar and I went home with someone else. I cheated on him and that was really fucked up of me. I own up to that.

I’m with someone I love so much now but I’m petrified of the ball that always seems to drop.

Life is fucking hard man. I get stuck a lot. I dwell. I can’t let some things go and let other things fall away too easily.

I just needed to dump my thoughts somewhere. Here’s a peek into my brain if you care.

[lostmyjets]

A lost cause

Deficits and deficient in every manner

Fundamentally flawed

Unequipped, unprepared, unhinged

Cursed with the constant need for air

And a body that cannot provide deep breaths

A tragedy in and of itself

Dueling nervous systems

Cortisol crime

An interpretation of hell crafted just for me

How thoughtful of you

I have so much to do and I want to give up

Internally chanting "I don't have time for this" over and over

Until I gaslight myself out of my own human experience

[lostmyjets]

my old friends. i wonder how they are

💌 insta- @thejournalingrat

[lostmyjets]

The Fuel of Agony

They were supposed to hold me dear,

Instead they supplied antagony.

They left me with fear,

And the fuel of agony.

[lostmyjets]

everytime you appear in my dreams

i’m always trying to warn people

tell them who you really are

but no matter how hard i try

my voice is never loud enough

even in my dreams people won’t listen

143 mutual friends

too many of them know what you are

but choose to forget and look past it

i wish i could do the same

[lostmyjets]

Trying my hardest to clean my heart

of the mess you left there

Scrub off all the blame

that you put on me

[lostmyjets]

I see you in my nightmares

Loving you was like a drug—

I was curious at first,

But then I kept coming back,

It was like a thirst

That I couldn’t get rid of,

Like an addiction I couldn’t shake,

Because when I was with you,

Everything hurt, but it would also make

Me feel needed,

Even if every time

I was with you,

I died a little inside,

You killed me slowly,

But I didn’t care,

I was your servant,

You stripped me bare

Of stability,

Of self worth,

And you fucking wondered

Why I looked so hurt

On the day you told me

To swallow my pride,

Cause there was

Nothing left inside

Of me, except

My love for you,

And I thought I knew you better, but

That was exactly like something you’d do.

You’d kill me slowly,

And you’d act like I’d won,

You were my drug,

Pretending you didn’t know what you’d done.

[lostmyjets]

Childhood is the glass stuck beneath my tongue

I try to spit it out but it's persistent and angry

It asks do you know how many times someone should have saved me?

That I was drowning and even you just stood there?

Childhood is the wall of words scratched into my throat because they were never allowed out

Asking if it's too late for their escape

If it's too late to be rid of it

Childhood is praying my future daughters never feel this

Trying to eat, starve, cut, or busy their past away

It's knowing you're not really a person anymore

Not one in this timeline, you're half ghost

no, part of you is stuck behind the door of your childhood homes

You are ten and begging to be okay again

Childhood is a weapon so easily wielded against you and forever stuck inside your skin

[lostmyjets]

i fell in love with the untouchable, the unlovable.

i fall for the scrap of kindness, long for a glance in my direction.

not many notice when i stay silent in a conversation, and encourage me to keep speaking over the din of background voices.

i thirst for affection and dredge it from my fantasies.

but there is another side of me-

one that lunges at sharp edges and feeds off the flow of blood. this part leaps at the chance to live in the familiar comfort of pain.

this is the part of me that popped ritalin to bypass hunger pains, the part that stays silently docile when met with abuse.

interestingly enough, this part wants to be loved even harder.

[lostmyjets]

everyone that gets this close asks why i don't move on from my pain

i don't know. i think i would die without it.

i think if you could see my brain you would find it rotten. i think if i stripped down to my essence it would be a desperate scream of "i was just a kid"

[lostmyjets]

I keep waking up at 3 am.

There is a restlessness in my heart as it beats inside of my chest. It longs for something, aches for something, but what I do not know. It pounds, it races, it thumps until it wakes me from a restful sleep.

There is a burden in my mind as it dreams inside of my skull. It resents something, hates something, but what I do not know. It dreams, it illuminates, it terrifies until the nightmares startle me awake.

There is a fear in my soul as it resides inside of my body. It cries over something, mourns over something, but what I do not know. It trembles, it cowers, it whimpers until I no longer know the meaning of rest.

I keep waking up at 3 am.

-

~°|| An original poem about trauma ||°~

[lostmyjets]

You're out of my life

yet you're everywhere,

wherever I look,

whatever I sense,

however I feel,

your name is printed on it

It's been a whole year of events,

but nothing can take my mind off of what you did to me,

how you used me,

how you abused me

Consentual,

in on it,

quirky relationship,

bad experience,

sexual harassment,

illegal,

trauma,

sexual abuse

It was sexual abuse,

I was 12 and you were almost of age,

there was no power balance like you said,

I wasn't mature like you said,

it wasn't okay like you said,

I was a fucking child

Instead of being out playing on the swings,

talking about toys with friends or maybe playing catch,

I was in the bathroom posing for the camera,

wondering if my parents would find out,

feeling like the most disgusting human being in the history of humanity

Never ever,

no,

I can't,

I'd feel guilty,

maybe just once,

I'm mature,

not like other kids,

exciting,

let's do it

Help.

[lostmyjets]

No Contact

Stop Calling

Stop texting

You always had a way of disobeying orders

You were out of my life when I wanted you most

Now that I no longer need you

No longer crave your motherly touch

You reenter

Stop Calling

Stop texting

I see you every time I look in the mirror

I wish I could cut and paste new features

Remove you from body

Remove you from my blood

I can't even remove you from phone

Stop calling

Stop Texting

You ruined a lot for me

I hope I ruined a lot for you too

It only seems fair

Please

Please

Stop Calling

Stop Texting

[lostmyjets]

My mother is in everything that I am

Her voice is what everyone hears

Her face is the first thing that I see in the mirror

Everyone knows that I am my mother's daughter

I will never be free from her

They will never know the pain of another's voice clawing out of your mouth

Or how frightening it is to see someone else's reflection instead of your own

If only no one knew me as my mother's daughter

If only I could be free of this curse

I will always be my mother's daughter

[lostmyjets]

may God give you no choice in the matter

the sky will not fall if you beg it to, and screaming at your heart to

stop beating will only make it race like it doesn't see any red light.

you're part quicksand, you're of the sword in stone, a mouse's trapped, and your body is not of yours,

and every 7 years, you don't even feel anew, and every time a scab melts into your skin,

the scar will say mockery, for you are too weak, every

time. every time, you are wide eyes in the mirror, indefinitely unblinking.

[lostmyjets]

hypothermia (from my drafts, 8.16.23)

[Text ID:

you're so cold, that house's a morgue you're so alive, you're dead all the anger, all the sadness it kills your head you can't tell flame from frost it burns the same it burns the same (edited)

End ID]