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[lovefromabullet]

Im torn between lying to people and being honest. With honesty comes a double sided coin. Its a 50/50 chance of people being understanding and me having a shoulder to cry on or me being carted forcibly to a padded room. Which if we are being honest may not be the worst thing in the world. Ive been told so many times over that people are worried about me. And good they probably should be because hell Im worried about me. Im trying to do the right thing and get better but I dont think that I want to. Thats so much fucking work Im tired of hearing you got this your strong. But god damn even strong things have a breaking point and Fuck Im done man. One is not simply made strong. Strong comes from struggle from trauma from life and fuck life just keeps on hurling them bullshits right at me. I cant keep dodging man,I am not even running on fumes anymore that tank is empty.I havent had a solid free day in weeks. 3 kids will kick your ass so hard. Ive had to figure all of that out with my own shit and to say that i am drowning is an understatement. Im not sleeping and noone seems to be taking me seriously when i say its not for lack of tryind and literally exhausting all of my other resources to try. Melatonin, tylenol pm, increased psych meds, dr gave me a sleep med, pot, sex, anxiety meds... hell even fucking yoga and meditation. I cant sleep and even if I fall asleep its shitty sleep or doesnt last nearly long enough... Ive been honest about that. Like hey Ive literally yelled from the rooftops I cant sleep. Im not doing good. I told my drs my therapists all of this. that my depression is worsening they called it grief. I said yeah well Im pretty sure this is the same thing that killed my person so how about we try and help me fix this before you have to give your condolences to my family.But no matter how much I begged or plead or truthed myself out its like it fell on deaf ears... So I went with lying. Or at least half truths the no Im not great but thats to be expected because as long as i keep doing the right things then noone worries... Ive never believed more than I do now that human beings on a mass scale are fucking trash. Not all of them but here lately its been a majority rules. I also learned how incredibly lonely that I am. And that I promise I am not as important to my friends as they WERE to me. I told my therapist that I gave it honestly 5 days before people started to even worry. She said no that cant be. Til I tested it. One of my best friends Didnt notice for almost 3 weeks that I had unfriended her and disappeared. 2 weeks 5 days to be exact... And this was my ride or die since i was 15 like we spoke everyday... and it took her 2 weeks 5 days. to miss me. Let me tell you about getting kicked in the dick by life... Hell some people that claimed to be friends havent checked in in over a month....  so when i say i believe whole heartedly that i wont be missed and that my deaths impact in peoples lives would be minimal.. i mean it

[lovefromabullet]

Foreshadowing vibes

Its funny to watch a dream that you had unfold before your eyes. And I am not speaking a metaphorical dream idea. One that would toe the line of I always wanted to be a... or I wanted to move to... Or any aforementioned idea of a dream.

But an actual close your eyes and drift off dream. It was like a direct vibe from somewhere in the cosmos that said, hey we are attempting to prepare you for change. There is something in your life that wasnt meant to stay. It was a lesson and we want to say that we are so proud of you for handling it with grace and maturity but now that you have grown and bloomed its time to move on. You may break just a little bit. But you will not be broken. You will cry but it will not be the end and you will see this. You will have the beautiful growth we just watched as your cushion. You will be okay. This is just a brief warning of things are gonna change. A preparation of sorts.

[lovefromabullet]

I thought I would miss you way more than I do

[lovefromabullet]

“I wasn’t even looking when I found you.”

— Unknown (via meineluft)

[lovefromabullet]

Ive never felt more lost in my life than I feel right now...

So far from the person that I strive to be and still so far from who I was...

Its like my existence hangs in the proverbial limbo... Stuck between where I was and where I am going... No direction... No map... My compass broken failing to find north...

They say follow your heart but what happens when your heart is pulled into so many directions and all different places and faces mixing in your dreams....

Your arms are home... Safety and uncertainty... kisses trailing my body... Loved and yet kept at arms length... Lost nights and souls entwined across a vast universe...

Yet his voice beckons like a sirens a call... tempting me to fall over the edge...

[lovefromabullet]

What I mean when I say “I can’t do that”- Anxiety Version:

I am unable to do that

I am too stressed out to do that

I cannot face the humiliation of attempting to do that

My body will physically not allow me to do that

I am on the verge of a panic attack

I cannot do that

What people hear:

I am unwilling to do that

I am just shy

I am overreacting

I am lazy

I need to get more experience in social situation to help my anxiety

I need a push

I don’t want to do that

[lovefromabullet]

“Calm down, heart. Please.”

[lovefromabullet]

“Interacting with other people does not come naturally to me; it is a strain and requires effort. And since it does not come naturally to me I feel like I am not really myself when I make that effort. I feel fairly comfortable with my family, but even with them I sometimes feel the strain of not being alone.”

—

[lovefromabullet]

This will be the last post for awhile... I need to be less online and more in my own life...

Im not sure what happened... One minute you were there the next you were gone. Almost like Id made the whole thing up.. Had I not felt you on my skin and tasted you on my lips I could have believed in the imagination...

You said forever. You said it was different. You said.... You made promises and you broke them...

You did exactly what I was afraid of... You left. Everyone leaves but you did it so coldly so suddenly so...

[lovefromabullet]

You make it easy to leave

[lovefromabullet]

Selfish

Its a new year. A new point to change your perspectives and create goals...

I got asked today what are my goals for this year. Of course I laughed it off. Im too stubborn to change... But thats not the case Im scared of change what if I dont actually like me... But with that being said I do actually have goals for this year...

This year I want to be selfish. If you know me at all you know that thats a hard one for me I will always put others before me even at the loss of my own self..

So with the process of selfish Ive decided that every month I am going to do one thing for myself. Be it a concert. A whole 24 hours away from my kids my life my everyday. Something anything Just for me and no one else...

I also am attempting to stop saying SORRY!! I overly apologize. I apologize for other peoples behavior towards me. Ive apologized for the way they make me feel. And Ive apologized for the way I choose to heal from my past and the truth is that Im not sorry. I just feel like I am supposed to be that way. And so I am attempting to stop myself from this thought process. Heres to a new year... And a good one hopefully...

[lovefromabullet]

I should walk away

Trapped...

That’s the word that my therapist used.... Trapped. But the funny thing about being trapped is that one usually chooses to trap themselves... Getting stuck in a mindset and not being able to see past it. He gave me a scenario of being trapped in a cell. 4 walls.. Each wall belonging to a certain thought process... And the only way to escape is to break a hole into a wall... To change the thought associated within that wall...

Take you for example. Yes we talked about you. Maybe not the whole existence of you but the gist. He asked me why I was so tore up some days about it... Each thought process each wall builds off of the other...

He said if I cant see past these walls Im destined to always be in the same place... repeat a broken cycle that leads me right back to where I started... Never actually being happy but filling the empty gaps with false hope and sad dreams...

[lovefromabullet]

https://iglovequotes.net/

[lovefromabullet]

https://iglovequotes.net/

[lovefromabullet]

Broken Rules...

Everyone has someone that they broke their own rules for... He was mine. I thought that I would have the remorse, the guilt, the something painful afterwards. I didnt... Instead what should have been shame was just contentment.

I can still feel the way his body melded into mine... His hard edges blending with my softer ones. I can feel his touch warm on my skin almost like a haunted memory.

Sometimes I wonder if I dreamt it. The side effect of little sleep and stress... That my mind so desperatly needed an escape that it created in itself a semi perfect night.

[lovefromabullet]

My friend sent me this and it’s a big fuckin mood

[lovefromabullet]

Its never gonna be "us"

Its a beautiful promise the simple word of "more" but thats where it stays. A promise... A sigh whispered when there are no listening ears...

Its never gonna be "me"

Im never going to have the name... the future...

Im beginning to think Im playing with the wrong deck of cards. Maybe Im missing the few key elements...