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[lovekelletaylor]

I have a consultation with the bariatric clinic on Tuesday.

This was such a hard decision to make. On one hand I really feel like surgery will help me in the long run. But on the other, I wanted to be able to do more on my own before getting to this point.

Do I think I could do it without surgical help? Yes, but it'll take too long, the motivation will doe and at the moment my self worth and confidence is so far below sea level I don't think I'd be able to survive it.

I spoke with my therapist about it and told him I was mostly wanting to keep it on the down low because I don't want to have to deal with people questioning me or trying to persuade me to not try the surgical route. He told me to imagine someone told me the shark in my shirt was a Llama and I laughed. "That's exactly what you should respond with. Just be like, 'yeah well, this is a shark and I like this shirt'. Ultimately you're the one that knows everything you've tried and what's going on with your body. They don't know what they're talking about because they're not you."

Honestly, he's so smart. But he's also incredibly right. I've already practiced in my dreams if it somehow got out at work and this coworker that I don't like and have no desire to share my business with approaches me about it.

This is a shark, and I like this shirt.

[lovekelletaylor]

[lovekelletaylor]

Hi! My name's Quelle, and I'm unhealthy.

That was a big sentence for me. I mean, I've known I wasn't healthy for a long time but I've never just said it out loud before like that. I think I was letting myself be delusional because my blood works always been good, I'm not pre- anything (diabetic, hypertensive, anything like that). But last year I had a wake up call when it came back that I had non-alcoholic fatty liver disease and some cirrhosis on my liver.

That scared me pretty good and I gave up alcohol, which wasn't difficult because I was never much of a drinker. But I did have to face a very real addiction/dependence on energy drinks. So I gave up those too in the hopes that my liver would go back to normal.

My blood work came back about a month ago nearly clearing me of having liver disease so those were good steps to take!

Then I had to come to terms with how little I was exercising and generally moving around. I got a therapist to help with my ADHD and anxiety and his main recommendation was to find a supportive active community. So naturally I got into crossfit.

I LOVE crossfit. I feel accepted and welcomed every session and we're always doing something new or different. And believe me, I've felt pretty out of place and rejected at a lot of gyms so imagine how amazing and refreshing it is to go somewhere to sweat disgustingly and no one's judging you because they're equally dying from the workout.

Then after 2 months I hurt my back at said crossfit.

I've always had a pretty weak back and I'd slipped a disc pretty bad back in 2018. I had to go through PT and learn to live with part of my foot and leg always being slightly numb. This time around it was just a strained back muscle so it mainly needed to rest but a relaxer and prescription tylenol had to be ordered.

It's been a month of no crossfit so my back can get better and hopefully I can go back either this week or next week.

All this being said, I've always wanted to lose weight and get healthy on my own so I can prove to myself (and any other enemy I felt I had in the world) that I could do it. The topic of weightloss surgery has come up between my doctor and myself, by me, but I've always said no in the end and that I'll try something else first.

But now, I'm uncomfortable around my sister. She's lost weight by changing their diet due to my nephews numerous food allergies. They eat very healthy and are setting amazing examples of taking care of themselves for the boys.

I love my sister and we've never had the traditional relationship of sisters because there's a 15 year gap between us so there was no "need" for rivalry or fighting. I've also never been compared to her or vice versa.

Except now by my nephew, who very bluntly and in front of a lot of family members including my sister pointed out how Aunt Quelle is so much wider than Mommy is.

I don't know if my sister heard him cause she was wrangling my younger nephew but I just kind of said something to the affect of "yeah we all know" and went about helping with lunch. It kind of felt like a slap in the face cause if anything, I've always been told how much I look like my sister and now all I can think of is how much wider I am than her.

So, this is me. At this moment and in this time period. I'm unhealthy and I can't keep ignoring it because now it's more than just a number on the scale or size in clothes. Now it's how much I want to look like my sister again and be a better version of myself and not worry about other kids saying kid observations. Kinda shallow for a breaking point but everyone's different I think.

The first step is admitting you have a problem. So now I got nowhere to go but up.