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10

Soooo I did not follow through with daily posts. I did however follow through with sticking to my nutrition and activity plan - was a little off today but nothing terrible. I did not meditate as long as I had planned, but I did do it . I have been pretty aware of some low energy the last couple of days. I am acknowledging and the reasons for it but not ruminating. Feeling very inspired regarding some business decisions and will be taking big steps over the rest of this year to bring my ideas to fruition. Tomorrow is the Broad Street Run. I am looking forward to it. My goal for the 10 days following tomorrow is to not be so hard on myself and just keep reminding myself what I am working toward.

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5

Will write more tomorrow. Did what I set out to today. I have come to some realizations about patterns of close friendships in my life...not really sure what to make of it. I am feeling kind of lonely lately and missing a couple of people more than usual. One friend has really been on my mind but I am hesitant to reach out for a few reasons. Anywho, my weird public journal entry is complete for the day.

#trusttheprocess

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Day 4: 4/28/19

Not feeling motivated to write.  Got what I needed to do accomplished.  Looking forward to seeing my students tomorrow.

#trusttheprocess

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Day 3: 4/27/19

Day 3 was super productive and went by very quickly.  Woke up early to go to a beginner HIIT class around the block from my house.  Started to feel a little nauseated at class, but luckily the teacher had Gatorade and it fixed me right up!  I will need to figure out some ways to make sure I am getting the proper nutrition before exercising.  Passing out or getting sick is not going to work for me.  Cleaned with Mom when we got home, then went for a 3 mile run at the gym because it was super windy.  I definitely wasn’t as focused mentally as I was the last two days, but stuck to good food choices and got some Japanese study in.  I have been reading a bit about rolfing.  I think I want to try it to improve my posture, but the hefty price tag makes it something that will have to wait until after next school year begins.  School starts back up on Monday, so I need to really plan for the week as far as meal planning and when I am going to be exercising/what I am going to be doing.  This has been pretty easy without my normal routine, but adding the workday in is always way more challenging.  

From my reading:

“My life does not belong to others and I am not here on earth to live up to someone else’s expectations.”

#livewithintention #trusttheprocess

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Day 2: 4/26/19

I felt like I did not have a lot of physical momentum today.  The weather was terrible.  It was the last day of vacation.  I was just not feeling it.  BUT I stuck to my diet, I mean lifestyle change, and spent a lot of time reading and studying Japanese.  It is amazing how much time I have when I am not spending it on social media.  I am still reading The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden.  I am getting a lot out of it and can’t wait until I am finished so I can start some of the sentence completion activities he provides.  The book is just helping me understand myself a little better and it is encouraging me because it’s clear some major shifts have occurred in my life over the past couple of years already.  Takeaway from my reading today: “If I am unwilling to take responsibility for the attainment of my desires, they are not really desires - they are merely daydreams.”

#trusttheprocess #90daysofawareness #livewithintention

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Guiding thought for the day - it all starts within.

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Day 1: 4/25/19 The Dump

This entry is definitely going to be a mind dump of sorts.  I have so many different ideas about things going through my head.  I stopped the mindless social media scrolling today and decided to go off Facebook and Insta for 10 days.  So, I had a lot of time to do other things...like watch Ted Talks and study Japanese.  I was just letting the Ted Talks pop up, not searching for anything, but they mostly tended to be about loving yourself, letting go of things that aren’t for you, and maintaining your emotional hygiene.  All topics I have invested a lot of time and energy into...and this 90 days is really about all of those things.  I keep writing down all of these expert tips for living well - like “Let go of taking things personally” and “Let go of not yet.”  There is just SO MUCH out there about staying present, being mindful, loving yourself, what self-care is and what it isn’t, eating healthy, combatting depression, etc.  When you start looking into living with more awareness the resources are so plentiful it gets a little overwhelming.  I feel like I have been playing at the water’s edge of all of these ideas that I have read about and not allowing myself to really dive in and commit to myself and serious life changes.  I have been trying to identify what exactly is holding me back.  I think I am still holding onto hope that some basic shit (read - a relationship) is going to come along and save me from the things in life that I have decided bring me unhappiness.  While loneliness is certainly something I struggle with, when I do eventually enter a relationship, I want it to be from a place of adding something wonderful to my life that will help me in my mission to be the best version of myself.  Not something that will consume my time and energy and distract me from my goals and values. 

I also think I have a whole lot of “not yet” going on when it comes to my appearance and my finances.  My weight has never not bothered me and I always think when I lose X number of pounds I will be more confident and take more risks.  My finances also stress me out and when I spend money on myself I tend to feel guilt afterwards.  Like who do I think I am to waste money that should be paying down student loans on getting my nails done or buying an unlimited yoga pass?  Well, I think it’s time to stop accepting my bullshit and dive in.  

I am a little embarrassed about keeping this tumblr because it is very reminiscent of my livejournal circa 2001 but it is something I will be able to look at to observe my progress and take in what worked and what didn’t.

Goals for the next 10 days:

1.) Stick to a strict nutritional plan I worked out with a nutritionist around this time last year.  No cheating and no convincing myself I deserve to cheat for any reason.

2.) Exercise DAILY - Reach goal is 20,000 steps a day with no less than 15,000.  Strength training paired with cardio at least 5 days of the next 10.  Yoga at least 4 times.  The Broad Street Run will be on Day 10.

3.) Meditate at least 30 minutes per day.

4.) Learn something everyday.  This can be Japanese study or reading a book or watching a TED talk.  Report what i learned on this page.

5.) Sleep at least 7 hours per night.

6.) Take some time each morning to complete Morning Pages from The Artist’s Way book.

*Keep in mind this is really only sticking to things I have been doing anyway and trying to make them habits.

Big takeaways from today: I still know hiragana and katakana.  AND I need to let go of “not yet.”

#trusttheprocess #90daysofawareness #livewithintention

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April 23, 2019

Looking back at the past year and a half SO much has changed in my life.  I created a list of intentions about a year ago and I came across it last week.  I was amazed to see that I actually had accomplished a few of the things on it.  Things at the time I made the list, that seemed completely out of my grasp.  I am working on trusting the process more when it comes to my physical abilities and appearance (consistently been working on getting stronger and leaner) and when it comes to my personal life.  While I honestly enjoy being independent and need my alone time fairly often...I have been struggling with feelings of isolation and loneliness and a deep yearning for companionship.  I am extremely aware of my need for physical activity on a daily basis to combat depression and I am amazed at the impact and awareness meditation has brought to my life.  Everytime I go back to this tumblr account I say I am going to start writing on it again BUT this time I actually am.  Starting the day after tomorrow I am going to chronicle my personal 90 Days with Intention.  Each day I am going to seriously focus on my goals and live each day with a clear intention.  I will be posting my goals for the 90 days and my progress and I will be breaking the 90 days into 9 10 day periods.  Each period will have a different theme.  I have found that giving myself timelines is motivating.  My 90 days will end with a long-awaited trip to Japan at the end of July where I can celebrate my efforts and set a new intention for the trip.

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Came across this today after completely forgetting about it.  I am going to pick it up to continue chronicling the process.  I have been very aware lately of the change in myself over the past year.  I am not as reactive to things.  There are still some things that really bother me - and generally it has to do with when I take things personally or when I feel someone is acting above me.  I feel these are ego issues which I know I will always be working on and need to continue to do the work to deal with these emotions when they arise.  I have been staying focused on making time for myself by running and doing yoga.  I need to make meditation more of a priority because I truly believe it has changed me.  My thought process has shifted dramatically.  I very rarely feel things are out of my control and it gives me a great sense of freedom and happiness.  

Food continues to be a coping mechanism for me.  Whatever the emotion may be, food is my go-to.  Once the marathon I have been training for is over, I will start to focus more on what goes into my body.  I want more energy without the 40 ounces of coffee.

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“I’m caught between trying to live my life, and trying to run from it.”

— Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower

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Trust the Process

To say I have had my shares of ups and downs lately would be a lie - it's mostly downs. I have been seeing a nutritionist which is definitely good for me and affects my overall mood and well-being. I need to work, so I have been picking up extra shifts at my second job and not getting to yoga (it's been 2 weeks). I know how long my day is going to be when I have both jobs so I try not to be too hard on myself when I don't get to my mat...but I need my mat. I also got taken off the wait list for another 10 day meditation retreat...but I really can't afford to take such major time off from work. I am holding out hope that things start to work out. Right now I am just kind of tired, really poor, really lonely, and getting impatient. This entry is proof that I am hopeful and that I will be able to look back at this as a journey to success and contentment.

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“See, you have your depression glasses on. Do you know that term? its when you have this vision of you only seeing the bad not the good. You dont see other people trying and saying they care for you. You just only look at the flaws and holes in what they say. Yes, you probably dont do it on purpose. But listen, you’re not alone. Just try not to push the one thing that can help you succumb those feelings, which is people.”

— ⠀𝒶𝓇𝓉𝓎𝓅𝓇𝑜𝓈𝑒 • you’re not alone (via artyprose)

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All of the emotions

The last couple of times I have practiced this week have been rough. As soon as we go into pigeon, I lose it (in tears) and then carry around a lot of feels for the rest of my waking hours. I read some articles about why yoga does this to me, but yesterday it was just kind of disturbing and a bit demotivating. I am doing all of this to feel good and I just spent yesterday evening in a state of utter self-loathing. On the plus side I did not go for food to comfort me, but in a weird way not being able to do that made me feel brutally lonely. I am keeping my faith and trusting that this is all part of the process.

#yoga #mindfulness #emotions

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Halfway Through 40 Days to Personal Revolution - Baron Baptiste

So apparently I do things in various increments of time now...until I get the hang of really caring for myself in the ways that are necessary (and making that part of my daily life in the same way basic hygiene is part of my daily life) I will just have to keep counting the days.

On January 8th I started a program called 40 Days to Personal Revolution with a local yoga studio.  The program is combined with doing a Whole 30 eating plan (it is not a diet - but it is a very strict version of paleo meant to reset your digestive system and figure out what food sensitivities you have).  We are expected to read Baron Baptiste’s 40 Days book, practice yoga 5 to 6 times a week, meditate daily, and journal daily.  

So far, so good (to a point).  I am falling in love with the yoga practice.  The most I have ever practiced yoga has been over the past few weeks and it’s already starting to feel like something I need to do everyday.  I can really feel it on the days I don’t practice - I feel a little heavier on those days.  I actually feel similar to how I have felt in the past when I have a crush on someone.  I need to get to the mat as much as possible just because I want to feel the way yoga makes me feel.  It is a weird experience for me because another human has always been involved in this type of feeling in the past.  I am kind of excited that I think I found a thing I will want to continue doing.  I want to keep building strength and growing in this practice.

The 40 Days book focuses on different themes for each week.  This past week has been the week of equanimity.  Equanimity is something I have only recently discovered through my meditation practice and has had a very positive impact on me.  I am highly reactive and uber emotional.  Equanimity has allowed me to stay balanced while going through some pretty big changes.  It is something I still struggle with on days when I am feeling down or really craving something that is out of my control.  As I continue to find strength and balance with practicing yoga I have been focusing on trying to stay equanimous in class.  Holding certain poses (I am looking at you thunderbolt) for any length of time without coming out of it has been particularly difficult.

Whole 30 has been good in that I think I am finally changing my relationship with food.  I always reach for food - especially when I am bored or sad.  With this program I just have not been doing that and have been using other strategies to deal with boredom or sadness (meditation, writing, studying, etc.). I also am getting clued into the fact that I really need to visit a doctor.  I have always had digestive issues but now that all of the bad stuff has been cut out of my diet I am noticing some of the good stuff is causing me distress.  I also feel I need to rely too heavily on meat with this program.  I just don’t like meat that much to have to rely on it so heavily and I think once the reintroduction phase of Whole 30 starts I am going to move toward eating a pescatarian diet.

I feel I am doing well overall.  I know this isn’t an overnight process, but I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed by the amount of effort I need to put in just to feel good.  My hope is that as I keep practicing yoga and meditating it becomes more of a habit and less of an effort.  I don’t want to constantly feel that I am doing this to battle a baseline of depression - and that is kind of where my head was at over the last few days.  I understand a lot of that is coming from a place of craving and impatience regarding my current circumstances.  I will be working diligently this week to remain present and equanimous with the emotions that have been coming up for me.

Namaste.

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Whole 30 and 40 Day Yoga Challenge

Prepping My Fridge (and my brain)

I have always had a pretty tumultuous relationship with food. It probably started in middle school when my response to not fitting in with my classmates was to come home, watch Saved by the Bell reruns, and stuff my face with Tastykakes and Doritos.

Food has always been a quick fix to feeling better. While I lived in Japan, this relationship started to change. Probably because I was surrounded by all sorts of people and things that made me feel happy, so food took a backseat. The food that was readily available was exponentially healthier than what you find in the states - paired with the necessity to walk and ride a bike everywhere - I lost about 30 pounds without trying. (Of course my weight went up and down with my mood and stress level even in Japan).

While that was great at the time, I still hadn't found a sustainable source of contentment. I understand and accept now that the people in my life and the circumstances of my life are always going to be in flux. I cannot let the ups and downs affect my health or feelings about myself any longer. I must love and care for myself and that must always remain a priority.

While I am fully aware of all of this - I stepped on the scale this morning. I am starting Whole 30 on Monday as part of a 40 day yoga program at a local studio. I knew I have been behaving pretty badly since I got home, but had no clue I had put on 31 pounds since the beginning of October.

I was shocked and horrified. Upset would be an understatement. The feelings of self-loathing I have been working so hard to squash crept back in and I felt the most miserable I have been since before going on a meditation retreat a little over a month ago. All because of a number on the scale.

Well, now that that's over - it's time to prep myself and my house for a change in my relationship with food and my body. About 72 hours to start time...

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Prepping for a change

I recently came to some important realizations about myself and I am excited to make some changes in my life. Basically, I am going to start doing my best to treat myself like a mother should treat her child. This will call for a lifestyle overhaul. I have begun incorporating Vipassana Meditation into my daily routine and can already see a change in how I react to things that normally would really upset me. My purpose here is to chronicle my efforts and hopefully share some successes (and some inevitable challenges).