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I Forgive You.

For all the times you made me wonder if I was in the wrong,

For the moments of weakness when I could have been strong,

For the tears I cried and sleepless nights,

For the yelling, the shouting, the endless fights,

For the worries, inhibitions, insecurities, and doubts,

For the days unspoken to, and the nights you went out,

For the cigarettes you smoked and the beers I swallowed,

For the heartaches, headaches, and hangovers that followed,

For the times you lied for the sake of me,

For the nightmares that came into reality,

For her existence, what you did, what you didn't do, and more,

For the loss of the one I once so painfully adored,

For the things you gave and the things you said,

For the morning I woke up on an empty bed,

For the night you said, "it's me, not you",

For the dreams I thought would one day come true,

For the hours, minutes, seconds spent,

For all the work I put in and the back I bent,

For your sacrifices and mine,

For the love that was lived and left behind,

For the mess I made when you were gone,

For the wrath I kept from dusk 'til dawn,

For the silence you had to inevitably choose,

For the best version of me I let you use,

For the apologies that were never spoken,

For the time all that's left of me was broken,

Thank you. I forgive you.

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TAEHYUN ☆ 240812 ODAIBA ADVENTURE KING

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Expensive Coffee or a Baby

A quarter-life crisis rant under the cut.

I’m no longer a kid. 

It took me three whole decades to realize how young the world is suddenly becoming. I am, I dread, losing all of my so-called “maknae” energy.

Growing up and all throughout my school life, I was always one of the youngest. I come from a circle of friends where I was rarely the “Ate” nor was I ever regarded as such. This went on even as I started working. In my first job, I was indeed the youngest and everyone saw me as the 21-year old who needed guidance all the time. It stretched all the way out even until my first ever leadership role at work where I was once again the youngest supervisor of a team full of adults (where everyone was above 30, and I was, at the time, only 23). 

I was raised spoiled. My parents provided me with more than what I needed, and my siblings made way most of the time despite me being the eldest. The expectations from my family were high because I was built to be great at everything I did, and so far in that aspect, I’m pretty much doing good. 

Nonetheless, I used to love celebrating my birthdays because I felt comfort in knowing that I’m getting older. Back then, I was so excited about growing up because like I said, I was always the “young one”, I was always the “baby.” 

Now, I no longer see myself as a baby. I easily get irritated by self-righteous, entitled Gen Zs claiming that they know about anything and everything, I prefer staying in watching Netflix to a night out in loud music and drinking. I have actually been sober a long time as of writing. 

Alcohol doesn’t taste as satisfying anymore. I have stopped drinking to go crazy and to end up doing things I will regret the next day. I stopped wanting to collect interesting stories to tell kids. I no longer feel excitement in seeing and meeting new people, and I’ve stopped dating around for fun. The only pictures I see on social media are snapshots of people my age either getting married or celebrating milestones with their children, some even congratulating other batchmates for the birth of their third child. I used to think I’m still on the winning side of things because I for one have stayed fit, still living in the comfort of my own home, supported by loving family members and friends, working a stable job, earning just enough for myself, studying law, pursuing a legal career and living my best life. However, these days it seems like I’ve come across a void, stuck in the space between young and old where I feel like I should already be somewhere, but at the same time still shouldn’t be rushing to places I myself am not even sure I want to be in. 

I probably want to get married soon, and I’ve been contemplating lately whether or not I actually want a kid. 

When I was a teenager and even up to my early 20s I always dreaded the idea of children. It’s not because I hate kids (well, I used to) and don’t believe that they might not like me. It’s because I fear that I might not be able to provide the kind of life I want my child to have. I grew up comfortable, and I have my parents to thank endlessly for that. But I saw how hard they worked to get to where they are, and I’m afraid that with the growing economic and sociopolitical crises the world experiences today, and not to mention global warming, I might not be able to work hard enough to raise a child just as comfortably. 

That, and I sometimes feel that I lack love for myself too. I work extremely hard and have little to no time for much out of anything that may contribute to self-growth, self-sustenance, and self-love. It starts with “Self” because it doesn’t involve other people. Just me. 

But with a kid, it will never be just me anymore. My decisions will always have to involve my family, their health, life, and wellbeing. It scares me to think about anyone else. Is it selfish to think this way? Is it stingy to keep all this love for myself for now? 

Stop. No. If anything, I should be called selfless to think this way. I want my future kid to be happy, safe, and content with the life I’d be able to provide. I want my future kid to flourish, to wake up on a bed big enough to stretch in and live in a home large enough to run around in. I want to build my future child a roof strong enough to overcome all kinds of storms. I want to educate my child to be smart, kind, and brave. If you really think about it, it’s not selfish at all. How can I love someone I haven’t met yet? How could I pour such selflessness towards something I don’t even have yet? Everything I have ever worked for isn’t just for me. It’s also for my unknown future. 

And part of that unknown is the possibility of me one day having a child. 

At this point in time, I’m still unsure of what I really want in that aspect. I do want a family, but I’m not 100% sold on the idea of having children. And despite the years I’ve lived I still believe that 30 is barely old. I’m at that sweet spot of adulthood where being lost might actually be where I need to be in to get me to where I’m supposed to be. It’s terrifying and electrifying at the same time. 

The nation’s girl group was right when they said: 

‘Wag mag-alala, buhay ay ‘di karera.” ❤ 

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HELLO WHAT

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JAKE 'DARK BLOOD' Concept Film

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Detachment Pt. 2

I'm writing this down in the midst of studying for midterm examinations. I know I've written one with the same title before, but since I'm now at a very difference place in my life, I decided to make a version that's completely different from the first part. Bear with me since I have no time to proof-read, and I am literally just on a 10-minute break from my remedial law review.

Detachment.

I've been very much in touch with myself lately and I realized how attached I really was with the people around me over the past 20+ years. It was probably the reason why I often sought validation from others rather than pulling out that same validation (and love, really) from myself.

I read an article recently in the newspaper that talked about how taboo it was for Filipinos to see people eating alone or spending time by themselves. Automatically they would associate it to loneliness. It's so ironic for a country so individualistic and selfish to be thinking that way. I'd like to think best about my own people, but honestly, more often than not, we think about ourselves a lot more than others.

Going back, ever since I've been spending more time with myself, I recall writing something about the word "detachment" and how I associated it (along with flowery words and other sentiments) with togetherness and companionship. No one could blame me because I was very much in love, and dedicated that piece to someone I was so attached to despite not spending much time with them.

It's cliche, but detachment has a completely different and more literal meaning for me now. Over the short break we had from school, I flew to Japan, spent time by myself, traveled around, spent a shit ton of money for the things I have always wanted to buy but couldn't, and on experiences I've always wanted to do but couldn't. All this became possible because I decided to prioritize detachment in the most literal sense.

This is probably the longest I've ever been single in a while.

I know that sounds terrible and it might make me seem like a serial monogamist, and that I can't sustain a healthy relationship. While that might be true, the time I've been spending with myself lately is slowly unraveling parts of me that I haven't pondered much on before.

Maybe the reason why I can't seem to maintain a healthy relationship is because I've never really spent time to get to know myself, what I like, what I don't like, what my personality is, and what triggers me. All those things I probably was always aware of, but never really got to reflect on and decide to change. If anything I learned the most here is that no one can really say much about you once they see how self-aware you are.

And you know what? I've been enjoying this single life a whole lot. I'm falling in love with parts of myself I never really got to appreciate because I've always been listening to what others have to say about me. I'm falling in love with the people I meet and talk to every day, not necessarily in the romantic sense, but in a way that I get to appreciate their beautiful parts as well. I'm falling more in love with the things I do and the things I'm experiencing because I'm taking a lot more time to appreciate them as well. The most mundane things have become so important to me because they've always been part of my routine and I never really got to enjoy them.

Now I do.

I find comfort in the detachment, and I'm taking time to really bask in the solace that comes with it. I'm not sure how long it's going to take me, but I hope to fall so much in love with and take better care of myself now until I find someone who will extend that same kind of love that I have for myself. I'm really tired of seeking affection from someone else just to make up for that self-love deficit. I've been doing it all wrong. I've been rushing to fall in love and have been lovebombing all over the place, it's crazy!

I'm excited for what the future holds for me, and when I do feel that feeling again, hopefully my hands would be just right. The sands of love deserve hands that are patient. The grip shouldn't be too loose for it to completely pour out, nor should it be too tight only to slowly fade away.

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do u ever get nervous when your best friend looks at you for too long?

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Me during school vs. Me after school

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Snapshots

Photos of you and I linger around my phone. 

My Instagram. 

My Facebook. 

Places of which I somehow still share you to the world. 

However, I wonder if you were aware of the social media networks inside my head. Like a bundle of files neatly organized on an office desk. I keep moments of you all kept inside color-coded drawers compartmentalized in chronological order that help me recall moments that made me feel a bit of anything and everything. 

Maybe that’s just the obsessive-compulsive side of me: Where I want to keep you all to myself; where I can organize bits and pieces of snippets of our days together; where I have all the liberty in the world to look back at and never get tired of it.   

Every blink I make, every time I stop to smile at whatever normal thing you’re doing, and every breath I take when I hear you laugh, I take snapshots of you with my eyes and automatically save it inside my head. 

It goes to a special place in my memories where nobody else can peek in, where nobody else can share how I feel when I relive them. 

Somewhere I don’t have to share you. 

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Skinship

As I’m writing this, I’ve come to realize and understand the importance of the 5 senses. 

When people see, it’s mostly just the outer shell, non-verbal communication that gets sent to one another. I like your eyes, but I like mine more. Without them, I wouldn’t see yours. 

When people smell, it’s mostly just scent, tells you whether or not something is clean, whether something is dirty, whether it’s something you want to eat. Haha. I like my nose, as it’s pretty keen. I like the scent of your shirt when we hug. 

When people taste, it’s plain and simple. Either it’s/you’re delicious or not (at least, for me, since I’m quite a picky eater). I like my tongue, but I like yours more. Not because of how it probably tastes, but because of the words you speak and the stories we share. 

When people hear, it’s mostly verbal communication. Whether it’s sounds of a guitar, or an out of tune voice (lol), a simple, “see you later”, or something deeper like, “I like you.” I like my voice, but I like listening to yours more. 

The sense of touch seems to be a lot more powerful than people think.

I’m not necessarily comfortable with skinship. Coming from Japanese descent, it’s not part of my culture to be so touchy. But when our arms touch as we walk, when you intertwine your fingers between mine, when I feel lips on the surface of my forehead, it feels nice. The kind of electric current you don’t necessarily feel with just anyone. It doesn’t hurt. It feels like home. 

I wonder if you feel the same.

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Detached

Have you ever met someone you so easily connected to even when they’re not physically present? 

This person is supportive. 

This person is passionate. 

And he makes me laugh. 

Have you ever met bits and pieces of a soulmate in one person? Like, you’re not fully sold on them as a whole, but you relate with them anyway?

We can talk all week and then stop at the next. We can speak in full sentences and then pause midway a conversation. 

It’s nothing personal. I think that’s how adults really operate. I find happiness in our noise, but at the same time solace in our silence. I don’t feel the necessity to cling onto something I can come back to anytime I’m in need of a home. 

I find comfort in our detachment. I feel at peace with our distance, but at the same time security in our closeness. 

I wonder if it’s the same for you.  

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How It Really Feels To Be Single

It’s been ages since I left something here for you to read. I am probably my own blog’s biggest fan, as I like to re-read and relive posts over and over just to rewind the feelings I felt while writing them. I’ve been writing since I was 12, and going through so many diaries both online and off, I’ve come to realize how much i’ve grown to be the person I am now. 

Looking back, I probably wasn’t the best at conveying emotions on paper, or in this case, on a blog. For more than 10 years I’ve been so hopelessly romantic online that people often mistake it as my actual persona. LOL. Guys, no. Just no. Coming from my old blogspot, livejournal, wordpress, even past tumblr blogs, it feels like it has been FOREVER since I kept it real. Don’t get me wrong, I really do write about the things I feel. Whatever my emotion is at the moment will be the exact same thing you will see here. 

So I guess I’m back. My proofreading might not be as polished as it used to be, but I will try my best to make this post as grammatically correct and comprehensive as possible. 

As the title entails, yes. I am alone again. *hold for the applause* HAHA. It’s been such a long time since I’ve been single! I know it sounds bad. I can already hear the serial monogamist insults at the back of my mind as I’m writing this. Just because I have always been in a relationship doesn’t mean that I’ve come to be good at maintaining them. I am not. 

I will probably regret writing this about myself in the future, but since I want to pour as much emotion as I can, I will say this: People are right. I am damaged. 

Jumping from one relationship to another, it has become extremely tiring to defend myself in all of those shitty decisions and lame excuses. I’m damaged because I always have to find someone to continuously validate all of what I’ve been feeling towards myself. I’ve been so insecure about not being perfect enough for myself, that I just HAVE to have someone out there to make up for my self-love deficit. 

I know, I know. It’s bad. I am a terrible person. 

But enough about how much of a terrible person I am. Over the past 2 months I’ve been rummaging through old letters, gifts and journals. It has only been about 2 months since my last relationship and I have to say, it hasn’t been easy for me. So here’s how I’ve been feeling so far:

1. I feel vulnerable

God, it sounds so overly dramatic. However, I guess it just goes to show how fragile you really do become after a break up. You get easily swayed by comments and external opinions, that it clouds you with so much emotion. You miss the guy. You talk to other guys and get easily infatuated. You say yes to every social interaction you get just to feed your loneliness.  

2. I feel anxious 

I’m that type of person where plans make up about 90% of my life. Anything that does not go according to plan drives me nuts. Breaking away from a routine, not being able to immediately call someone to rant inevitably drives me crazy. 

3. I feel liberated

It feels so good to finally get out there and do the things I’ve been wanting to do but couldn’t because I always had to consider my significant other. it feels good to say what I want online without thinking about how someone would see me, to wear clothes I been wanting to wear and even to spend on things I’ve been wanting to spend on for such a long time! I got a tattoo! How awesome is that?! 

4. I’m spending time

For myself, for my friends, for my family and my pets. It’s so surprising how much time you could free up once you stop dedicating most of your life dating someone. Don’t get me wrong. Being in a relationship is also fun. You get to spend time with someone you love and you get to be valued and desired for romantically. I had a great time. But this one’s a different type of happiness I feel. I can’t seem to defend how much I prefer it now more than ever, but it has been helping me heal. I can’t thank myself and everyone else around me enough for that. 

5. I feel smarter and wiser

You learn so much experiencing all kinds of relationships. Throughout the course of it all, I would like to think that as much as possible I try to analyze situations better and be more understanding. Taking into account mistakes I’ve made before, even if it means comparing one relationship to another, it helps to think that I’ve become smarter in making decisions and handling situations a lot better by using my head. 

6. I feel stronger

Back then, the littlest heartbreaks could easily destroy me. Now, it just feels like something I have to go through. All of the pain might actually be good for me. These things give me more opportunities to really test my limits. I am a lot stronger than I was yesterday. Crying is something I can’t promise I won’t do for the next time. However, strength comes after the vulnerability. And I am more than willing to go through so much if it means I’ll come out stronger. 

7. I feel like a whole new person

Like a snake that sheds its old skin and like a hermit crab finding a new shell to live in, I feel like a whole new person. Not because I’ve changed. But because I’ve discovered more about myself through the new things I encounter. Even I stopped being the person I expected I was before. There is absolutely no guilt in admitting that. 

8. I fall in love with people better

I feel like the more I talk to and appreciate people, the more I fall in love with parts of them they don’t even necessarily like. I’ve been discovering bits and pieces of soulmates as I spend more time getting to know person a better. People make me laugh, cry, angry, think about things I wouldn’t normally think about. And I don’t feel the need to hide the best parts of myself. I sharing the best parts of myself. And I haven’t done in so long while being in a relationship.

It would probably take some time for me to fully understand what I’m going through, and I might need even more time to discover new parts of myself. Sometimes people see so much good in being together that they forget how much beauty there is in breaking up too. It’s ugly, chaotic and oftentimes messy, but it’s an art. Beautiful things emerge when things end. it’s not always bad.  

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How I Told My Mom I Was Depressed

It makes me shiver at night, mom.

Sometimes even in the morning.

It wakes me up at 2am, 3am and 4,

It breaks down, cracks and explodes without warning.

My thoughts are dark mom, they scare me,

They hold me tight, they never go away,

My feelings mom, they destroy me,

No matter how much I push them aside, they're here to stay.

But you see, I'm depressed mom,

No, please don't tell me that I'm just sad,

Because I am sad, and angry and hurt,

I'm lost right now mom, please don't be mad.

When I smile in the daylight, it makes me wonder,

For how long am I going to pretend,

I feel alone mom, with darkness around me,

The kind of darkness that just never ends.

My fingers curl into tight balls,

With my nails piercing into my skin,

As I lay at night gripping onto my pillow,

Trying to fight all of my monsters within.

Please hold me when I'm anxious mom,

Anxiety is my depression's best friend,

I'm the house they live in, make love in,

Until I birth thoughts even I can't comprehend.

I can't choose to smile sometimes mom,

Deep inside I know that happiness isn't my choice,

When you're lonely, restless, exhausted and confused,

It's like all you hear are echoes of Depression's voice.

It's telling me to quit mom,

It's telling me to sleep some more,

It's telling me to take the pill mom,

But the pills don't work like they did before.

I want to get out of bed mom,

But the gravity of my sheets tell me no.

It's like I'm being lulled into deep sleep mom,

At the same time being pressed against a glass window.

I don't know who to blame mom,

I'm trying to make you understand how I feel,

My pulse is strong but my mind is chaos,

It's all in my head mom, but trust me, they are real.

Sometimes it makes me want to die mom,

It whispers in my ear that death is near,

But even if it seems like it wants me to die mom,

Most of the time it would rather have me live in fear.

I'm not crazy, I'm not insane mom,

Oftentimes I'm just misunderstood.

But when I yell for you to let me go mom, don't,

If only I understood myself, I'd tell you if I could.

My depression is a clockless time bomb,

It ticks, never really knowing when to explode,

My depression is a locker with happiness inside,

But it's trapped by a lock I can't decode.

I don't expect me to get better mom,

I just want to feel a warm embrace.

I need help, I can't sleep mom,

I wish you could see it in my face.

Depression is a disease mom,

And I am terminally ill,

Make me want to live mom,

Don't let me die against my will.

My thoughts are a disaster, mom,

But this is my story, I'm telling you I'm a mess.

I'm not crazy, sad or just angry mom,

Please believe that I'm depressed.

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Optimism

Optimism

A lot of people may give you all kinds of advice when it comes to overcoming sadness. It's not like there will ever be a perfect combination of things to do and people to trust in order to continue on a happy life. Nobody has that particular recipe that applies to everyone's sadness. You and I may have different taste buds, and get attracted to different types of clothing and boys, but seriously. Even if I'm not the most positive person I know, I've had a tremendous amount of downs in my life that has made me look at it under a brighter light.

Negativity may come from all aspects that make a person emotionally dependent. You can base happiness on grades, on family, your pets, your car, your best friend, your enemies, your house, your food, your dreams, your goals, your love, what you want to be, what you don't want to be... I know that some may say to become the most rational human being, you mustn't stick too much to your emotions, and the key to becoming happier, is to detach yourself from them. Although that's not always the case. I've tried being that rational person, only to find out that trying to escape your emotions may not always be the solution to all sadness. Basically, I became even more miserable trying to figure out how to push all my feelings away and blocking everyone else who tried to care. If there was one thing I learned from that experience, it was to never do it again. Running away from feelings and trying to eliminate all types of emotions, will only result to you being unable to control them once they're there.

Previously in my old blog, as a younger Angel, I posted a list of things that can make a person smile. It's very simple, very young and “hip”. It depicted the me that was very youthful and undoubtedly problem-free.

Eventually, I had to grow up. Problems of my own arose and what I saw simple back then became all too complicated now. Life began to be much more of a headache than of a fruitcake the moment I turned 18. I know, it may still be young, but at the peak of this age you'll realize that not everything tops itself with glitter, and it's not always rainbows, butterflies, pancakes and puppies. Rain comes, butterflies die, pancakes rot and puppies grow old. But that doesn't mean you can love them any less.

Let me tell you why.

1. To live is an incredibly great adventure.

Whatever life has to offer to you, there are ways and there are ways where you can turn every obstacle into an adventure. These challenges are opportunities not every individual gets. We aren't machines. We are capable of feeling all kinds of things, and it's wonderful to think that we are able to smile, and to laugh and to jump and to sing, even if life throws all kinds of tomatoes and lemons toward us. We have the power to make tomato soup and lemonade. Life is so beautiful, and these rows build you. Everything happens for a greater good. You just have to look at it through a different lens.

2. There is so much to appreciate.

Blessings come in all shapes and sizes. It may not be a blessing to you now, but slowly it will turn into lessons that you can apply in life and will help you grow stronger. A break up? That is just one of the most painful types of blessings God could ever give you. The bad things that happen don't define you as a person. You don't have to move on from them. Put these memories in your back pocket and take them with you to the next chapter of your life. Live on without them, but don't forget to take the marks and scars with you. The way you see things affect the things you learn to appreciate.

Almost everything in life has a side that will make you love whatever it is that you have. Give your dog a hug, kiss your mom good night, look your girlfriend in the eye and tell her you love her. You may not always appreciate what you have, but in the end these are things you don't just appreciate. These are things you will love for the rest of your life.

3. Things are capable of lasting forever.

I believe in the concept of forever. The point of you being unhappy, is just another reason for you to forget about being sad. It is possible for you to be lonely all your life if you don't stop holding on to the things that make you feel down. Happiness is something that we choose, and just like sadness, it is capable of lasting forever only if you decide that it will. You can't engage into something without committing to it. Whether it is to break up or to make up, stick to that decision. To last forever is an awfully wonderful aspiration.

4. Things are capable of ending.

Now, don't get me wrong. This may be contradictory to my last statement of the concept of forever. What I mean here is that things are only able to end if we choose for it to end. And this decision is what may be able to last forever. Keep hold of the people you choose to stay in your life, and let go of the things that hinder you from becoming the happy, beautiful person that you are.

5. People appreciate you.

Not everything you don't like about yourself, everyone hates just as much. You have no room for insecurities. Confidence is something you give to yourself, and people appreciate you more when you have it. Love your entire being. Don't center your world onto someone who doesn't show appreciation towards you. It's their loss. Inhale the love and exhale all the hate. You are you, and people like that about you. Not just someone, but a lot of people who are thankful that you're alive. Live with that as a motivation to go on. To keep going on.

6. Things get uncontrollable.

Moments come and go, people come and leave, things are uncontrollable. It's not up to you to dictate every single thing that's going to happen in your life. It's only a matter of how you face these things, and how you turn them into something that you need in order to sustain that inner peace of yours. Things don't happen because you let them happen, and they don't always happen just because you make them happen. Things just happen, and you have to be flexible about it. Life doesn't always adjust to your needs. You have to keep up with life's pace, and you have to control whatever it is that you know you are capable of controlling. Things will not always go your way. Otherwise, you won’t have the opportunity to let things happen, and cope up, adjust, look at it positively, and slowly, it will start to be all up to you. And you become a better person.

It's up to you, how you feel about things, and it's up to you to do the things you want, but you have to accept that you cannot force someone to tell the truth if their entire being chooses to tell a lie. You have to accept the fact that they want to leave even if you beg them to stay. You have to accept the fact that squares don’t fit into the circular holes you carve into the puzzle you call your “world.” Stick to you, and stick to those ideas you agree with. You cannot be forced, as much as you cannot force anyone else. You can't stop the world from turning on its axis, but you can turn your frown upside down.

7. The clock ticks, but only because it was invented to do so.

Time is a manmade concept. Age is something human beings created. These things go by because it's nature's will. You can stop your clock, but your heart will keep beating. You can stop counting your birthdays, but that doesn't mean you stop celebrating. Time is gold, but patience is a virtue. You can focus on solving your problems, but that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to keep track of your blessings. Life is a gift. Remember your past, but don't leave your heart there. Live by the present, but don't forget to look forward to the future. Age is just a number, the clock is just an invention. Give yourself time for improvement. Lessons don't have expiration dates. It is never too late to realize the good things.

Everything else in this world dies, but that doesn't mean your happiness can be one of them. Your grandma is smiling down on you, your dog is outside waiting for you to snuggle him, your mom is in the kitchen cooking your breakfast, your dad has news about something he found on the internet, your sister found out something about you that she cannot wait to tease you for, and your brother might be planning an evil scheme that one day will be the laughing stock of your friends, your ex is out there with someone else she calls her love, your love is out there treasuring the love that you have, your best friend is out there loving someone of his or her own, and your enemies cannot wait to be proved wrong.

There is always a calm after a storm, and there will come another storm, and another calm. Life has to go on. We don't function so much to make a living, that we have to stop living a life. Please don't take depression to heart. It beats for a reason, and until you have fully found that reason, don't make it stop. Happiness coexists with sadness and despair. We cannot truly be happy without having to experience the satisfaction after every problem we solve. Pray for happiness and strive for it. It can only be done by you. :)

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Hello!

Back At It Again

Again and again. Back to the old habit of writing thoughts on a blog most likely nobody will ever read. 

Hi. it’s me with yet another (new) ranting place for depressed thoughts and failed attempts to give positive advice. 

A lot of things had happened since I left lulepap-blog. I still haven’t completely dropped the username mainly because I never really grew out of the sound of it. 

But hey, I’m Angel. Don’t bother searching me around Facebook or Twitter because if we don’t know each other in person, I most likely will ignore your attempts to add me as a friend. Also, there’s not much to stalk either. You can stalk me here. 

Go on, read on. 

For those who don’t know who I am, I’m going to try to sum up all of me in this entire post. You can read it up to the end, but I must warn you. It’s difficult to fall in love with me. Rather, it’s difficult to tell if I’m writing things in a happy tone or not. But you and I can be friends through the thoughts I write down. Let’s get to know each other better. 

25. Female. Lawyer-to-be. 

Besides the three facts listed above, there’s not much about me that’s there to know. I stand at 5 ft. 2 inches and weigh at about 100 pounds. I have medium-length brown hair and big, almond-shaped eyes. 

Which you probably would like to know more about since I named the blog after this facial trait. They’re not exactly big, nor are they really small. They’re this pair of unusual shape I can’t seem to comprehend so myself. I have Japanese and Chinese blood running through my veins, but I’m mostly Filipino. You most likely will be able to tell more once you read the posts to come. 

I live in the Philippines. That’s interesting. Oh and I'm an International Studies major. I graduated college with a degree that basically explains the reason why I chose to use English as my main language for the blog. With that, I aspire to be a lawyer someday. Let’s just say that I’m a little lost right now, but that is where my end-point should be. It’s my goal. You’ll know more about it when I start writing. 

I am single, by the way. It was a long time coming. Going in and out of relationships since 2007 has really taught me that it pays to be on your own sometimes. Up to this day I’m still learning how to truly be with someone. It’s tough, I admit and as promiscuous as it sounds, it’s hard for me. I know it’s strange to think that someone as stern as me might not know how to really be on her own, but trust me I do try. I want to stay single, but more often than not I meet a great guy and enter a new relationship again and again. It’s complicated and a little messed up, but I don’t expect everybody to understand right away. You’ll get to know me anyway.

My dogs are the best things (if not, just as best as strawberries and the stars in the sky) I have in my life. There’s nothing more comforting than coming home to wagging tails after a long day. Dogs are the rainbows after every rain, and I couldn’t be happier with them around. 

Now, enough about me. Let’s talk more about why I opened up a new blog. 

I disregarded most of my other journals because, like most kids, people grow up. Perceptions change, feelings change, most aspects in our lives start to transform into more complicated adult situations. I wouldn’t call it a negative change. In fact, I’m quite glad changes in my life occur. Although in the midst of these changes you’d want to just trash all of the other memories albeit good or bad so you can start out fresh, you just cannot. And that’s alright.  

Turning things around from when this post started, I’m honestly very excited to run this new inspirational blog that I plan to fill with happier thoughts and positivity. I know I’ve mentioned before about how dreary future posts may be, nonetheless, I will try my best to keep readers (if any) entertained, hopeful and happy. 

Beauty. Music. Body positivity. Physical and mental health and fitness. Wisdom. And unfortunately, a tiny bit of political ranting. I can write about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. 

Looking back at lulepap-blog and my old blogspot shows how much I grew up from being a psycho fangirl to the wise (as if) woman that I am today. Let’s try to decipher life together by enjoying every minute of the days of lego houses up until we can safely say that we’ve fully “grown up”. Because apparently, I have a great deal of growing up to do.