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Whoops

It was almost a year ago that I posted my whole resolution to use Tumblr more often. 

... And, well-

It’s pretty obvious that things never went the way I planned. 

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“Oi, you wanna fight, you little blond bitch?!” “Bring it, hm!”

Konan remembers why she keeps the Akatsuki away from each other as much as possible. 

I think it is interesting that Deidara and Kakuzu don’t believe anything lasts forever, but Sasori and Hidan are all about it (although neither of them actually want to live forever). 

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tsunade: sakura's snacks are organic

jiraiya: that's nice. naruto eats candy off the floor

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This is hilarious 🤣

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naruto tutorial finally uploaded on tumblr too :)

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We really live in a culture where creativity is just… shut down. All the time. Let people enjoy things you think are cringey. Let people create storylines for characters and make original ones. Let people create music that’s “bad.” Let people find who they are and what they want to create. Stop discouraging people from making things that make them happy. It doesn’t directly affect you, so why make someone feel bad about what they are doing? We are all only human, we are all trying to become the best version of ourselves. And if that means making weird things then that means making weird things.

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Fear

I’ve been afraid of Tumblr ever since I first discovered it.

I left my first account over six years ago due to this website making me feel physically ill to be on- And all I was doing at the time was a mere following of accounts I enjoyed and liking/reblogging the posts that I wanted to lock away and store for a later date.

Because, it was never /Tumblr/ that gave me anxiety: It was myself.

It’s nothing unusual to see yourself as worthless. I know that there are people out there who will wrap you up in a protective blanket and tell you “This isn’t normal, you’re not okay”- And I don’t think that’s necessarily a /bad/ thing. It’d be nice if everyone could just naturally possess the sense of self-worth that’s needed to hold their head up high, no matter the circumstances, and live their lives without a constant sense of fear. It’s a goal to strive towards- But it’s not one that I view as realistic.

I’m a coward. I’m afraid. I have spent close to a decade trying to keep my true self masqueraded behind vague statements, small lies, and a constant shield of supportive friends. It works, in some ways- People don’t send me harassing messages or tell me I need to change, they don’t tear apart the things I create or tell me I am better off just quitting, they don’t criminalize me for the ways in which I think/feel/live or argue with me over what I hold dear... But, at the same time, they don’t know I exist. A lack of negativity doesn’t mean positivity- If there is nothing offered, then there is nothing received... And sometimes that makes me feel incredibly empty.

Because I have so many ideas, so many stories, so many characters, that I am just /dying/ to gush about. I have a lot of happiness underneath all of this fear that I long to share with other people- But I’m so hard on myself that I give up before I go beyond the second letter of a story, or the roughest sketch of a character design. “My writing is disgusting, no one would want to read this.” and “My artwork is so hideous, no one could ever see anything but the flaws in this stupid thing” are common ideas that plague my brain. I want to share everything /so badly/, but just trying to create the things I want to share makes me terrified. “ Everyone will hate it... Everyone will hate /me/.”

I can make excuses all I want. I can blame the times I /have/ been dragged through the mud- Told I was ‘wrong’ and ‘hopelessly awful’- But that’s not where the blame lies. Sure, the words I’ve been told so often in the past /still/ sting me years and years later- But /I’m/ the person that has allowed those things to stop me. /I’m/ the one who’s giving up without ever trying and telling myself that before I can even start I have to be “perfect”..

It’s okay to “not be good” and make mistakes - It’s the road to improvement.

And sometimes I need to remind myself of that. 

If you haven’t figured it out yet, this long letter- this stream of consciousness- is me asking /myself/ to try putting myself out there more. To share that sketch I don’t take pride in, to write that fanfic that I feel is sloppy and that I’m completely unsure of, to let myself just be... Me. I want to find the strength to be proud of myself, even when no one else is on my side, and to stop being afraid of taking a little risk.

I want to chase my happiness and take the responsibility for it into my own hands. Because, sure, someone out there is going to hate it... But there also might be people out there who would share my smile and excitement over the things I’ve always been too afraid to share.

This is my tentative promise to start posting, and I really hope I can stick to it.

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naruto part 1 basically

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