luna-verse

[luna-verse]

Chem Trails (My 'Howl')

I. It started in Middle England with stagnant thoughts and incestual friendships- It was bleak wet skies that smelt of burning rubber, rotten souls and home- It was busy stale beer pubs full of laughter and cocaine and Irish accents and men are always too drunk to go home and see their kids- It was houses joined on to houses joined on to houses joined on to houses joined on to corner shops where the immigrants were forced to live and work and die- It was backyard grass forcing it's way through concrete slabs to meet the summer parties and twenty degree barbeque excitement- It was once your feet got cold they were cold for six months unless you were lucky enough to have someone in your bed to warm them up against- It was one cold muddy festival a year for screaming at rock bands you list interest in ten years ago and drowning in the weather and rum and Carling- It was small business pubs with gone off ale for one pound a pint and drowning in odd company and rum and Carling- It was Wetherspoons and ecstasy and treats and dreams and walking everywhere cause everyone was too poor and too drunk to drive- It was Sunday family beef pork lamb Yorkshire pudding roast potato grandma's hugs and sleeping grandad, hungover naps on the sofa and red red wine- It was everyone's parents splitting up except yours cause you were adopted and went to private school- It was White Lightning big bottle pills poker and coats in the park to the tune of skateboards and fist fights- It was art degree false friendships smashing plates, juxtaposing mattress forts, white wine and Smallville- It was selfish political statements badly represented by still performance and pornography and skipping lectures to sleep and play Pathfinder- It was Nottingham and Coventry and Birmingham and punks and gigs and fake hair and not going home- It was falling in love in hammocks and getting your heart broken in portaloos It was MySpace and Facebook and FOMO and anime conventions- It was jealousy over boys and girls and perfect snippets of their perfect lives abroad and fear of being trapped in this dry concrete for the rest of your life- It was part time jobs in pubs which dominated your social life and every penny you earnt went straight back into that till, serve one, drink one, serve one, drink one, can't pay the rent- It was memories and friends and cocaine addictions and alcoholism, lovely souls with sad eyes, kinky sex, cups of tea, sweet smiles and deep hugs- It was tearful goodbyes and googly eye stickers and hope and fear and need- It was not being capable of being happy in the cold, seasonal affective, drunk, smells like coke, smells like rain, smells like envy- It was all this that pushed me away yet pulls me back, push me away, trap me back, can't ever leave a good home, get lost.- II. So I left. - I left for the hot sand blue sky sunset Seaford forty degrees beach just across the road and the road is ninety one kilometres long- I left for the mattress on the floor share a room share a bed share my secrets money doesn't last long here- I left for the hottest Christmas of my life followed by selling my body on Boxing Day I left for Deck bar cocktail oyster Australian accent still got a drinking problem but now it costs more- I left for not having access to Cocaine anymore thank God, but do you want to buy Meth instead?- I left for lingerie high heels, secrets and lies, hundreds of dollars, no dollars, star signs, starry skies, stars in my eyes, can't keep secrets, gotta tell someone, don't fuck it up- I left for an hour and a half on the train and forty five minutes on the tram and a ten minute walk to work- I left for five am possum attack man attack park, kookaborough screaming dawn, parrot party in a tree all night, shit all over the cars- I left for inner city whorehouse sweat hair waiting room chair pizza crackheads WWE TV, girlfriend experience porn star extra thirty, no natural don't you know that's legally rape?- I left for Munchkin Azul Catan chessboard Scorpio rivalry comedy nang don't give me that spiritual crap!- I left for Somersby sunny day vegan scrambles Mercedes Champagne, broken glass laugh, piano washing up - never alone- I left for not having my own bedroom but being welcome in everyone's bed - I left for queer identity if you want one, choose a gender, choose a partner, want two? Want what you can't have, never want again- I left for best friend wedding VISA, do you want to stay forever? Marry me, emerald glee, indecision but love forever- I left for crack secrets, stay hydrated, look after yourself, dopamine shortage, Vitamin C, taco burger cider beer mdma ketamine acid- I left for bush doof LSD lose your mind, every time's a silly time, tell your friends, will this trip ever end?- I left for van life, pattern curtain, three in a bed, winter beach, sandal tree, never in your life have you felt this free- I left for more self esteem and a harder shell against the harsh insults of the world- I left for hard smashing my box twenty rubber dicks lights on peep show early morning thrush for minimum wage- I left for toothaches broken collarbones sliced fingers ripped breasts urine infections, please expand the NHS, I can't afford to get out of bed- I left for salty sea rainy season Pad Thai hundred kilometres per hour scooter no licence, can't see, get in the sea, Arrhoy Makh Mah island life paradise is cheap but doesn't last forever- I left for forced holidays VISA runs plane food sim card swimming tuktuk airport homelessness freedom and not being able to afford my safety but I can always afford a beer - I left for choice and freedom- I left cause the good outweighs the bad, and while the bad is much worse, for lack of pubs to drown in and doctors for the poor, the good will be my Paradise.- III. OH acid you opened my eyes- OH Emerald you opened my heart- OH Katie you gave me the world- OH Lachlan you helped me keep it- OH Thailand you set me free- OH England you patch me up for free- OH Great Prostitute in the Sky, you shower me with riches - OH Great Alcoholic in the Gutter, you keep me in poverty, you humble me. - OH to the Great Avocado, the humble noodle, the sacrificial egg. - OH to never being alone, to always being home- OH to every great home, to Coventry, to Nottingham, to Frankston, to Melbourne, to Koh Phangan, to Wellington, to Pai, to all these noble strongholds of my life. - OH to every choice I've made, without one I would never be here as I am today And OH to knowing this long poem will never truly end.

[luna-verse]

I'm Going Home

The skylines are hills of green and red and yellow under a bright white British autumn sky-

And I don't know if this is home.

I mean I know it's not, cause it's a train on the border of Wales and I don't live in a train but-

I'm thinking about the sky.

Can I be happy in the rain.. in 3 layers of coats, in 4 scarfs, in a hat, and it's too cold to drink a can of cider outside, and it's not even winter yet?

Can I be happy here?

I've never had so much love in one go

So much sex

So much attention

Felt so happy in my own skin

Like I've finally worked out the secret

But it's still raining outside

Outside

I'm out of cider

I'm out of melanin

I've lost the tingle of sunshine under my skin

I've lost it-

I'm lost.

I want to see New Zealand

I want to see it all

But not alone

I want the heat on my back

And the waves in my toes

But not alone

I want to bring my happiness wherever I go

All my British loves, my lovely boys.

I'm on the train still

But time is passing by

I want to cry

This dull grey selfish sky

I'm going home.

I'm going home but I don't know where to go.

I don't know who is home, or where to roam.

I'm out of cider

I'm out of time

The sun sets

The leaves fall

I only have this one life

I'm going home.

[luna-verse]

Lunar Beaming 🌙

Tonight I realised I'm actually in love with the moon.

When she's full and beaming

I can breathe so deep

When she's huge and bright

My knees go weak

All the best people and places I've seen power through to the front of my mind

And I'm back on the beaches

And back in the trees

Back at the peaks of my life

When she's full and beaming, she nourishes my soul

I am maximum woman, ultimate me

Nothing is an impossible goal.

[luna-verse]

Ten thousand five hundred and sixty six miles away

Today is an English springtime Sunday

The sky is blue

My heart is blue

The sun is out but her heat is not enough

I've had fun for far too long

I'm out of balance

The earth has no more joy to grant me

'share it with the others' says she

I'm 10,566 miles from where I want to be

In his bed against his skin

I'm 9 hours in the past and he's 9 months in the future

The sun is here

To dry my tears

And when my day is done

His will have just began

I'm 10,566 miles away

From where I want to stay.

Last week

You there, I here

With just the door ajar

Today

You there, I here

With 10,566 miles between

[luna-verse]

The Wait

The waiting period

Before leaving a place for a very long time

Is spent drinking up the place

Absorbing as many mental pictures so the memory may never fade:

The weathered gum trees,

The spiral trimming on the old Melbourne town houses,

The glistening of the sun on the calm sea,

The way his moustache moves when he smiles.

And it is shutting your eyes to take in the sounds of a home you never wanted to leave, before the vibrations falter:

The scuttling possum that lives above your bed in the garden,

The kookaburra on the telephone wire,

Her endless hungover Sunday afternoon laughter,

The morning wake up piano and the spontaneous instrument jams.

Soon I'll be a million miles away

And soon after the pictures will fade in my head, and different priorities will take over

This waiting period is about remembering why I need to come back

And not to fall into the trap

Of moving on.

[luna-verse]

Cabs Lined Up Like Vultures

Cabs lined up like vultures, Waiting to poach the empty carcass children of the night, The stumbling drunk last resort peacocks, Half who's mating calls fell on deaf ears, The other half too noble for these temporary Tuesday night, or any/every night hereafter, Accidental clashing of the flesh, With someone you refuse to look in the eye come morning a you reveal all your worst habits, in one ludicrous display of awkwardness, in the hope they'll go as soon as possible, So you can spread out in bed, And do absolutely nothing alone, For the next 4 days and nights. Then you're out again for the weekend/weekday/every day display of Cabs lined up like vultures, stumbling drunken peacock losers and repeat... And repeat... And repeat after me: 'nothing ever changes' until you're found dead in the floor of a revolting pub toilet in the same town you've lived in your whole life.

[luna-verse]

I've just realised no matter where I am and what I'm doing there will always be a melancholy

There will always be someone I'm longing for who can't be there

Or some place I can't be at

Or some thing I can't be doing

At that time

So I'll never be truly happy

In my perfect way

But that's ok

Cause whatever I'm doing that's so great

That day

Like drinking on the beach

Or climbing up the falls

Or dancing at a gig

Or having really good sex

It'll be so good that I won't be thinking about the other things I love to do

The other people I love to do

The people I will always miss when they're not beside me

Cause life comes in chapters

You can only read one at a time

Joy is there in all, along with melancholy, in various ratios

And you can't have everything you love all in one go

Cause your heart will probably explode

[luna-verse]

a slam poem about self doubt

I won't allow myself to hate Cause I'm a better person than you are, mate The rational mind Is a friend of mine But you give more than I can take They're gone, she's mad It's all gone to shit But I'll fuck myself deeper In this sinking pit

I'll wake up with a smile Cause I can get out of bed today I'll roll all the way to the beach I'll dig a deep hole in the sand  Fill it with cider Fill it with shame  Legs spread wider I'll just go back from where I came

I'll be who I want to be And I'll eat what I goddamn want to eat And I'll sleep with who I shouldn't sleep with Says who? Says she? I'll lie and claim I'm just being free I'm just being... lonely

But my reason is there And I just don't care What you call me You can hate me But your words wont penetrate my soul Except those nights my skin is cold And I've drank far too much wine And your truth runs through my spine And I'm a long long way... from ever calling... anybody mine.

[luna-verse]

And we will go

For a daybreak morning swim

In the puddles of last night

Even though we feel like shit

We will dance on

[luna-verse]

A belly full of Pad Thai

And a head full of dreams

We’ll all work together to replace those lost endorphins...

[luna-verse]

Photosynthesis

I've got my pen above the paper Trying to force a feeling From my face into my fingers It's a wonderful life but I can't get anything done.

We're walking sideways like crabs We're not facing the right way And these minutes turn to hours, turn to days And nothing ever changes But at least we're having fun? And these days turn to nights, turn to mornings

And I still haven't slept And I still can't drive And I'm still in debt And I live outside

But at least we're having fun, right?

Soon I won't be allowed to live here anymore And I just... haven't... done it all And I'll have to start again from scratch Somewhere done, or somewhere else And these moments turn to weeks, turn to years

Nothing's changed I'm still stuck here Hovering on the indecision of my fears And this Visa turns to ashes, turns to tears

Then I'll have to see their faces What will happen when I look into their eyes? Heaven knows I cannot lie What will they buy? That I travelled all the way across the world, Just to pass some time? To lie on my back and photosynthesise?

Have I travelled across the world Just to drink beer in different places? Have I travelled across the world Just to take drugs with different faces? Has it changed who I am at my core To earn money with my back against the wall? Have I opened up my mind too wide, that soon there'll just be nonsense left inside?

What will I have to hide, That I can't admit with pride From all the people for the rest of my life?

When old age greets me like a competitive friend, With a reminder of all the photos and postcards I didn't send, And wrinkles and loose skin slow down the money I can spend... Maybe then I'll truly feel the weight of the things I didn’t do.