lupusexspiravite

[lupusexspiravite]

Tired of everyhing

I have been alive for well over 30 plus years and in that time, This is the first time i have truly felt unsafe in my own country, I can no longer get the medical assistance i require to live as a normal human being, causing me to be stuck at home in excruciating pain, discomfort, barely able to walk, barely able to move in any general sense and its getting worse but screw me because I have no way of making an income anymore. I am truly and utterly exhausted every single day just from getting up off my bed and hobbling to my computer chair, I have 27+ different health diagnoses, the majority of which is treatable/fixable if I would even get the smallest of medical help but I am not even getting that anymore. I had to start getting a support person and a go between between me and the insurance because they refused to do anything and kept pushing over and over and over that they had actually helped, when in reality, 2 appointments every 3 years, when my health conditions require 4 appointments every month just to keep in check.

I have been told by doctors for years now, that my entire health issues is my weight, and water Intake,

1. Weight: until i was 22 I did not gain weight, I was stuck at 98lbs, Then at 22 I had a Health scare that caused me to require staying in the hospital for a few weeks, When i got back to my home after being stuck in the hospital, Literally over the course of the next 5 days I went from 98lbs to over 250 which is INSANE, went to my doctor at the time and the doc said this is normal for my age, BULL. I have not been able to go below 240 since that day unless I am going through surgeries or just not eating at all for days. Completely not normal. Still to this day every single doctor I talk to including my own says that all of my health issues are because of my weight, when in fact 90 percent of these health issues started before I was even overweight.

2. Water intake, I have not really changed my water intake since i was a kid much except to make a point, around 16 cups of water a day is my usual intake and that's more if i drink anything remotely sugary or carbonated aka soda or lemonade. Last year I got fed up and pushed my intake to 25 cups of water a day, results, My doctor told me to cut back to what i was doing back to my original because the upped intake was causing my kidneys to struggle. It toke me putting my body into a potentially severe health issue for the doctor to understand that Yes I am in fact doing everything I am supposed to.

All i want to do is to be able to get up, go to work, come on and relax, But I am stuck in a perpetually hell that does not even seem to have an end of suffering in sight. all I want to be able to afford my own stuff and not have to live with other people, Cant live on my own due to my health issues and cant afford anything because no one wants to hire some disabled person, I live in a country that see's me a disabled person as nothing more than just trash just milk me for imaginary money, (all physical currency is literally made up by us humans therefore it is imaginary, Non arguable.) that I cant even get up to make. I did not ask to be born, I did not ask to be disabled, I did not ask for any of this, I am literally forced to suffer because my parents decided that even though they were informed that I would be born with many health issues and that taking me and my sis to term would kill her but she still had us.

I am also tired of hearing no one wants to work, when me and over 300 people I know have been trying to find jobs for over 10+ years only to find out that the places that were supposed to make it easier to get hired and go through the processes have been purposely posted fake jobs to keep engagement and extra income going as well as jobs are using both non ai and ai algorithms to go through the so called millions of applications and denying 99 percent of them potentially even 100 percent of them depending on the company then saying they cannot find anyone to hire. Bull there is millions of people wanting jobs but guess what we have literally screwed ourselves over.

Every single company should be forced to have a job site for there company that must be personally monitored by company employee's and should be forced to accept in person a persons resume/have a way to apply in person. Every company should also have a company employee if small and/or a group of company employees who there entire job it to call and explain why you did not get the job. By ghosting people you are willingly showing that you are not a good company in any sense to be applying to in the first place.

(to those who will probably say this is overkill and how do we expect companies to do this, pay your employees and more what they are worth and treat people like actual people and you will see how much you can grow(previous CEO of my own company before health issues dropped me).)

Speak of, IF you cannot afford to pay your employees a Livable wage You should not be a company. It is not that hard since there is over 60 different ways to do this and STILL keep a good/ excellent revenue stream. When i was healthy enough to work, I had to create my own company because no one wanted to hire a Disabled person(regardless if they are capable or not of working) So i created my company, For nearly 4 years I ran this business, with loses within only the first year which were unavoidable. went from just me to 4 other employees. Including a Chef and a body guard for the building. all because I paid my employees a livable wage and treated them like actual humans and they did not want to leave, hell even when I was being forced to sell my business the employees kept trying to find ways for me to keep going but it was not viable.

Sold my business and within 3 months the new owners got it forcibly closed because they 1 cut all employees wages, upped business times and toke out every single loan the business could get. This is what happens when you let greed and bad business practices into your company.

Now im stuck on the sidelines watching everything going on, with zero way to fix even my own issues, and im expected to be happy and just accept this situation, screw that. If you were forced to feel pain, discomfort, disorientation and more all day long every single day, Would you be happy?

[lupusexspiravite]

Why has this become the social Normality? By lupus Ex Spiravite

This is a true story,

Less than a year ago my friend wilson was invited to a CoD Gaming Discord Server by a ex-friend who was an admin of the server.

Wilson spent a few days before the incident toke place staying quiet and just gaming on the server with his mic muted and rarely speaking to anyone just to make sure it was safe for him to speak.

A little background about wilson,from kindergaten all the way through college, He was bullied to the extent that He had to move schools and one incident left him with permenant damage All becauase he didnt want the last of the money he had for the REST OF THE ENTIRE MONTH (at this point it had only been 5 days into the month) to go to the bullies and instead of letting him go, they beat him damn near into a coma and ended up stealing his identity causing wilson to this day to be extremely afraid of people.

Which is why he spent the time he did to make sure it was a safe space for him to play with others on CoD.

He finally decided it was safe and spent the next few hours playing with people in the Main VC for the server. He was having so much fun that he even invited me to come over and hang out with him on this server. Which at the time i had to decline just yet because of work.

He is getting ready to head off for the night and a new person joins he has never met before that day who i will call S. S is being greated by everyone by there Discover User Created Name and so my friend Says: Hi my name is wilson Ill be playing games here starting today Nice to meet you S.

S then proceeds to go into a rant and yelling at Wilson calling him Transphobic for calling S by the same name everyone else is. after what wilson had gone through he started having a panic attack. Said so and S left and So did wilson.

Wilson went to get back on this server after giving himself half a day to mentally prepare for something like this again but Found that he had been Banned from the Discord server. Wilson then proceeded to message his Admin friend asking what happened when he was told that He was banned for Supposidly going on a 40 min transphobic rant against S. Which in fact had been a complete lie. After being told this that Admin Friend he had known since his first year in college Completetly ghosted him.

The following 3 months after this incident, He was bullied online to the Extent that Wilson considered removing himself from this world because the one thing that had always been his love and passion had been turned by one person lie into a living nightmare. To this very day He still gets people Messaging. Emailing and Posting on all social medias that he is the most horrid person and even some egging him on to remove himself from this world.

He and I both have gained from from 8 seperate people that was in the server at the time of the incident that shows without a doubt that wilson never once did as S Said.

This proof has been given to the head admins of each of the server as well as the server owner and Yet Nothing has changed. Not a Single Thing has been done to Make right this incident.

This incident cost him damn near everything he spent his whole life working on because of S's Lie but does that matter? No from what I am still seeing it does not matter. He has proven his innocent multiple times but does that matter? No all because 1 person crafted a Story and spread it to the far reaching corners of social media My friend wilson Has lost everything.

Is this the type of Representation the LGBT people should be condoning? No it shouldnt but It very much well is.

This has become the Social Norm now and days. Everyone must tip toe around everyone because if you even get the slightest perceived slight against you then you may destroy the persons life. As a Human being, This is Cancel Culture which has showed that doing this to a person is the correct action and should always be a culteral norm and refuses to accept the Truth when it is revealead is The most absoluetetly Appaling thing.

What is worse about my friend wilsons after this is that His supposed best friend said that my friend needed to Apologize to S, Stating that and I qoute:

Because S has been misgendered and Misnamed for all these Years that gives them to right to do what S did and that Wilson Must apologize for Slighting S.

Wilson told this now ex friend that He had done nothing wrong and even showed proof but This friend stated:

It does not matter wilson must apologize S and everyone In all admins in all 8 discord servers that he had been banned from.

when I heard this I started literally crying and Apologizing to Wilson because That was one of the most convoluted and Disrespectful things to say to a person after there entire world crumbled after a Proven Lie was taken as truth.

Is this ok?

No Not in any way shape and/or form is this ok. Wilson now barely eats, he barely comes out of his room spending 80 percent of this time awake laying in bed crying from extreme PTSD. depression and Anxiety from this incident.

Video games have been mine and Wilsons Safe space for Many years, its how we relax, and to Wilson it was a way to make money and do something he loved and yet Now To wilson Gaming is just HELL..

Now that you have Read the entirety of this post Please write in the comments of what your thoughts are and Who should be the one apologizing to who.

The names in this story have been altered per Wilsons the originator of this stories request. I have been given permission to Post this as a story.

a Correction must be Made, As of march 3 2023, My friend wilson Has removed himself from this world due to the continued Pressure from this Ass nine Incident.

[lupusexspiravite]

A letter to healthcare in the USA

Hello, Normally I would try to be kind and conservative while talking about this subject but with recent events I will forgo my usual calmness. The stories I will be sharing have been given to me and approved for posting by the victim's so that there stories can get out

To healthcare In the USA:

Hello,

I hope you have the days you deserve after depriving ill people of proper healthcare in all aspects. Today, A friend of mine called me hysterical.

a little background before I continue, His kidneys have shutdown once already and he has barely gotten them back to functioning after being brutally maimed by a surgery a year prior. During the 4 month recovery process his healthcare refused to pay any of the bills which was owed for doing the surgery even though both the hospital, doctors and him were told that it would be fully covered, He is still trying to pay that off. Since that incident his healthcare refuses to even discuss or acknowledge that this has occurred even after being given all information and proof to state otherwise.

He called me hysterical because that same healthcare has dropped him for asking for a case manager to go between him, the doctors and the healthcare since they have been doing nothing but shady things.

let me repeat that:

HIS HEALTHCARE THAT IS SUPPOSED TO HELP KEEP HIM ALIVE AND HEALTHY THAT HE WAS FORCED TO USE BECAUSE OF INCOME HAS DESCIDED TO DROP HIM FOR ASKING FOR A CASE MANAGER/GO BETWEEN.

This decision that was made by a healthcare who seems to care more about saving money then actually doing there bloody jobs will most likely cause him his life and/or complete homelessness and bankruptcy. There is no in-between for him, He has zero family and out of the friends he has Most have passed away due to the pandemic. I am all he has left and I cannot even help because of my own situation.

Another friend of mine, has been confirmed to have lung cancer but even with the proof being given to the healthcare they are refusing to allow it to get treated. 6 separate times my friend has gotten appointments set up to start getting it treated then the insurance cancels the appointment stating no precedence of illness and/or proof of illness has been given to them, Again even though they have received all proof.

He been trying to go to the er but since all the er's in his immediate and closest area are all private hospitals He has been turned away multiple times even after collapsing from the illness and being put into an ambulance.

Is this how healthcare is supposed to work?

No, In no fucking way is this how healthcare should work.

Another friend of mine Needs to have her uterus removed due cysts on her uterus, However, both insurance and doctors state and I qoute:

If you ever want to have kids we cannot remove your uterus.

un-qoute.

She is in extreme pain every day, Shouldnt be moving around but has to make money to pay the bills that her insurance refuses to pay because and I qoute:

It was not an emergency or health issue that caused the cyst to grow therefore we are not responsible to pay for your own issues.

un-qoute.

Are you fucking kidding me...

I wish i was. I really do but unfortunately every single story is true and I have over 100 other stories just like that which all started coming to me after the pandemic started. Both Healthcare Insurance and healthcare since the beginning of the Covid Pandemic both healthcare providers and healthcare insurance has successfully fattened there pocket at the expense of the people they were supposed to be helping.

In Louisiana alone, Medicare and Medicaid has refused to pay for well over half of the services they are supposed to provide which has caused places to decline the basic healthcare of louisiana making it even harder for people to live.

in Georgia Its less than half of recipients but since Georgia will refuse you basic health care if you are not on disability that means that most that was under the 12k a year that is mandatory in Georgia for you to get on paid insurance a lot of Georgia residents were hit worse.

Look at everything that has happened since the start of the pandemic in each of the USA states and you will truly realize how badily our healthcare system has failed our country.

Final words,

To all the healthcare insurances that are helping cause the deterioration of the medical system in the USA I say this.

Your greed will be your eventual downfall, Life cannot be measured with money no matter what is shown and/or said.

With zero respect,

Lupus Ex Spiravite.

[lupusexspiravite]

Saying your scared is hard!

I grew up in a very religious family that had one man saying to the men in the family.

"You are a man, your emotions do not count, and You must provide and only you. if you cannot provide and/or even procreate your worth nothing more than a penny."

This is what I was told my entire young life which continued well into my adult life. With this I forced all of my emotions down into a bottle and tried my best not to disgrace those at the time i called family and friend.

Then one day after a particularly cruel few days I started having one of the worst migraines and body aches that I have honestly ever had including up to this point. I could not concentrate, I could barely move and eating and drink became almost impossible. This feeling toke many months before it fully disappeared.

I thought I just had managed to overwork so I initially toke a few days off of everything but it did not help and persisted. That was the start of the most terrifying 13 years of my life.

About a month before it finally subsided I finally went to the doctors and found out that I had had a Stress Induced Stroke that is normally seen in older people who had done nothing but work work and work.

I was told that I was lucky that it had passed on its own especially since it had to do with the brain which is the center of being able to function. I was given Strick orders to relax and give myself a break for a while but because my family at the time refused to even acknowledge that something was wrong and Forced me to continue working, school and everything I had started I never got to even recover half of how I was.

I let my pride and the toxic motto of my family at the time pretty much ruin me.

After that my health dropped year after year after year causing massive issues but I never told anyone how I truly felt or even that I was truly scared.

Even now its so difficult to same that im scared because every time I try it just comes out as "it is what it is" or "im fine just need some sleep."

Right now to be honest I am terrified. From how badly my health keeps dropping I know in my bones that I will not make it another 5 years. I want to cry, scream, holler, I want to let all these emotions that I have bottled up for so long out but I am terrified that It will just quicken myself to the grave.

Do not be like me, It is not worth it. Your emotions are apart of you so please Show your emotions, Let yourself feel because living as if you do not have any is no way to live. Its not even surviving at that point. If your scared tell someone, If your hurting tell someone, if your at a loss tell someone. Do not bottle things up whether you are any gender Let your Emotions loose but A word of caution - Do not let them completely control you because at that point you are stuck in a similar situation as if your bottling it up.

[lupusexspiravite]

What has this world come to?/

By Lupus Ex Spiravite

Part 3

When I was 26 I started having chest pains more frequently. I told my doctor about this at the time and she just said that it was normal for my health condition for this and that she will send me some pain meds (I wanted help not pain medications.) This pain proceeded to get worse and worse with the pain medication not even touching it. Eventually I went to the er for the first time for it and they didn't even do any scans just gave me shit tons of morphine and then let me go home. I ended up in the shower floor with hot water going around me to try and sooth the pain not even 24 hours later because again the pain got worse. My friend had come over to check on me and found me like that where in as she called an ambulance. The ambulance came carried me to the stretcher and toke me into a completely separate hospital from which i went previously. This hospital brought me into the back into a room gave me something to help the pain and immediately went to work trying to figure out what was going on. I ended up going into surgery immediately due to my Gallbladder almost bursting. Less than 5 hours after my emergency surgery where they opened me up fully I was told they needed the room and was forced to get dressed and given a bus ticket and told to go on my way. I spent 3 hours on the bus getting home because my phone was dead and no one at the hospital would let me call to get a ride. This is just 3 of a little over 100 incidents of what hospitals have done to me over the years. What is worse is that I could not even do anything against these hospitals because as soon as I trying to get something done about what had happened there lawyers would put a cease and desist letter towards me. This is the state of the world currently. Hospitals care more for a Social Construct (AKA Money) then they do for human lives. Greed has become so very rampant that I do not think that this issue can be solved without completely restructuring Society itself. Even now just a few hours before writing this A friend of mine was told to leave without treatment from an ER. He has insurance that will pay for the treatment but because the Hospital wants to be excessively greedy they are refusing to treat him. Not only breaking there doctoral oath but the Hippocratic Oath and EMTALA. what's worse is they can get away with it because they have expensive lawyers that will shut down any problem that comes along. How are we humans supposed to survive as a community if we cannot trust each other to have each others back and help when something goes wrong?

[lupusexspiravite]

What has this world come to?

By Lupus Ex Spiravite

Part 2

At the age of 25, I had eaten some seriously bad burger king which gave me severe food poisoning. Initially I thought oh this will pass but I did not and on the third day I became even sicker. I called for an ambulance, When the ambulance arrived I was told they would not take me to the hospital which then they proceeded to just walk away, No checking my vitals, no checking what was going on ONLY that they would not take me because "You are not sick enough to warrant an ambulance." After they left I pretty much just toke over a bathroom and stayed there getting progressively worse. My friend found me in the bathtub barely able to move on my side which she then called a second ambulance which again the Ambulance told her the same thing again not even coming to actually check on me. Mind you I had never once given any reason for them to think this way. Eventually my friends husband came in got me cleaned up and dressed and helped me to the nearest ER. Helped me sign in and more. He had to go to work so I was left in the ER waiting room by myself having to run to the bathroom just to make sure I didn't soil myself or more. When i was finally brought into the back The nurse without even looking at what she was doing went digging into my arm to get try to get the Vein, after digging and tenting multiple times she removed the needle and put it onto the chair next to me, From there proceeded to walk away not stopping the bleeding going on from my arm. I had to get up barely moving and get a paper towel from the wall dispenser to try to stop the bleeding for myself. It was a while before the nurse came back in and still not paying attention flipped my arm over to look at my hand with me still bleeding and toke the same needle that had been throw onto a chair near by and forced it into one of the veins on my hand which immediately blew and then proceeded to push the same needle into another vein in the same hand all while talking with a doctor about what they were going to go get for dinner in a few minutes. I was then brought out into the ER waiting room again while still bleeding and told that they would bring me back when there was a Room available. (the problem being I was one of two people in the ER that day that was waiting and there was only a few rooms in the back being used as i saw when I was going back and forth.) I spent most of the time in the er waiting room trying to stop the bleeding. By the time, i was brought to the back I had lost enough blood to consider me anemic. I told the nurse and doctor that I saw when they finally toke me back about what had happened and they were horrified. They made sure I was physically ok bandaged me up and Got fluids and more into me which ended up causing me to pass out from everything. All I remember next is my friends husband helping me to the car with prescriptions and more in his hands and getting me home. The next few days are a blur but when I finally came to so to speak I could not use my right hand or even move anything from the elbow down to my finger tips. This ended up with Permanent Damage to my nervous system in my right hand. I called the ER I went to and Informed them of all that happened and they said something was done. Both the Doctor and Nurse who were responsible for the mess of my right arm Never had any disciplinary action or even anything done.

[lupusexspiravite]

What has this world come to? by Lupus Ex Spiravite Part 1

Before the age of 18 I was not the biggest fan of the doctors and hospitals i was forced to go to for my health problems but I knew that if I needed help I would receive it. Unfortunately, As soon as I became an adult the reality hit. If my mother had not fought the doctors and hospitals so hard on getting me treated I would never of received any help at all. This has stood throughout the entire time I have been an adult. Here are just a few examples:

When I was 20 I started having severe chest pains, I legitimately thought I was having a heart attack, so I went to the ER. First and Foremost, I went in by ambulance which I was later charged for because insurance refused to pay for even though it was covered. When I arrived with an iv in my arm and on a stretcher barely being able to breath, the charge nurse pulled the IV out of my arm and did not put a bandage to stop the bleeding (the ambulance workers refused to let me off the stretcher until They were able to patch it up.) The charge nurse then forced me into the waiting room in the front while still having chest pains and forced me to complete a massive amount of paperwork. Which I had to do while standing since the ER waiting room was full. Not even a page in I passed out, if it wasn't for my Girlfriend who had arrived to see how I was doing I would of fallen and gotten hurt really bad. someone gave up there seat for me and When I woke my Girlfriend was Fighting with the nurse about the fact that I was not immediately admitted to the back. During which I ended up passing out again this time hitting the floor. The nurse came over grabbed me put me back into the chair and told me to stop faking. I could barely even speak. My girlfriend grabbed the nurses chair and directly Infront of me just in case of me passing out again and filled the information out for me. At this point I got a concussion from the fall on top of the pain from my chest feeling like its going to explode. according to my girlfriend It toke them 6 hours to get me into the back while I was dealing with this pain. I ended up passing out for the third time after trying my best to endure which is when they put me into the back. I was originally unconscious when I was brought back but as soon as i woke up I was put onto a stretcher in the hallway stating that my chest pains are not good enough to receive a room. I spent a long time writhing in pain on that stretcher before a doctor came by. Once the doctor had actually determined that I was not lying about the chest pains then and only then was I put into a room and treated like an actual patient. It toke them a total of 35 mins to figure out what was causing my chest pains after all the cats cans, and x-rays. Which was a rare form of Costochondritis. The doctor even stated that if he had been able to treat me when I initially arrived I would not of ended the night that visit with all the extra Diagnoses (Mild concussion, and sprained shoulder from the fall).

[lupusexspiravite]

How it feels to be Chronically in Pain!!

Due to circumstances, I have been chronically Ill for most of my Life. Due to genetics and real world consequences, I have had to deal with pain to the point where my mantra is "Pain is Life, Life is Pain."

Well lets get down to the brass tax, How does it feel to be chronically in Pain?

Well for me this is a fairly easy answer, It absolutely Sucks and drains my energy to nothing with every waking moment.

What do I mean by this?

Well here is an example of one of my many pains that I deal with:

When i get up in the morning, No matter what I do not get up right away. Simply because if i do the pain will intesify. When i finally wake up, I have to shimmy to the side of the bed and then use two different handles just to stand. At this point, the pain starts permeating further into my body. This pain goes from the back of my knees all the way up to the lower middle of back where it feels like a lightning bolt going up. The worst part of this pain is that this does not go away but gets worse the longer I am conscious.

What does that mean?

Lets say I have been awake for 2 hours, The pain is already double to triple the initial pain which already felt like lightning bolts running through me.

Does this make it so you sleep more often?

Yes, It does. The max amount of time I can stay awake if it is a good day (mind you this is with medication and CBD/THC combo,) Is about 7 Hours before I feel the need for sleep. if it is a good day, I can work and do what's needed to with just a few issues.

On a bad day, Which is Most days since where I live THC is not legal as of yet, is 20 to 40 mins before I feel like I need to go back to sleep, and am forced to go lay back down.

You said this was only one of your pains and it effects you this much, What happens if you include the other pains?

If I include both the pains I get from all my bodies sources then that good day numb goes to 3 hours, and the bad day goes to I do not leave bed Unless I absolutely have to.

This is the daily life of a person who is in Chronic pain.

[lupusexspiravite]

I have been alive for over 30 years, during this time I have watched the economy where I live dream to zero almost and take years to come back multiple times. I have seen atrocities done to where I lived almost every single year. I have seen power trips of the olds so many times that I cannot understand.

Why do I say this?

Well this week alone I've seen a few things happen that's been almost on par with one of the worst tragedies in where I live.

First

A woman goes on social media and states that she is finally divorced her husband and now she can become better at halo.

This is not a joke this is not satire it is a legitimate thing that happened this week and it reinforces how terrible men are being treated right now in society. Now most people who probably read through this are going to go oh but women are in need of help so much more than men in actuality the statistics and if you do the research you'll find that it's the opposite. Man are more likely to die from suicide, men are more likely aid to die in combat, men are more likely to die a due to back braking work that women hardly ever and or ever go into. Then in a divorce lose everything unless they have all ton of money for the lawyers, so they do not lose everything. Most women who do have to pay child support do not pay and do not have to go to jail for it. Most men who do have to pay child support and are paying it still have to go to jail. Men are falsely accused a ton to the point of just one accusation ruins a man's life. If a woman is accused of something terrible it is then deemed the man's fault even with proof.

This is just a little bit of what I've seen, I have a researched, and stories I have looked into. There are studies coming out every single year multiple of them stating that men are being massively abused however, women have been going through and burying these stories calling them fake news and more and purposely trying to make it so men are bad guys when an actuality the ones who are perpetrating most if not all of this is the women.

Case in point there are hashtags on Twitter that are being used to threaten, hold down, and straight up abuse men. These hashtags are not being taken down however when a hashtag that says the exact same thing about out women gets put up it is immediately taken down because modern-day feminists are not going to have their punching bags which are men talk back to them and this is absolutely sickening.

Second

A person in power decided to go out to dinner with their family and this person decided that it was okay to tell the already exhausted and run down servers at a packed restaurant that they should be grateful that they got to serve this person in power.

This person then went on to not tip, forcibly get half of their bill taken off and more.

I am going to state this once and only once:

If you have a position of power be it the smallest bit all the way up to the Queen of England and you go anywhere and state the words you should be happy to service us because you are privileged to service us.

This can be said in many ways.

You as the person in power are no longer fit for that power, and/or to be in that position or any position for the rest of your life.

Just because you have a small amount of power or a massive amount of power does not give you the right to treat people like they are nothing more than meat to be thrown at a grinder. When I read this story yesterday, I went through and made an effort to get down to the bottom and see what was completely going on and the story gets worse the farther you go down because this is not the first time this person in power has decided to do this.

This is the state of the world nowadays, men are abused mentally, physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually on a daily basis. People in power severely abuse that power. People with a ton of money use that money to escape taxes, paying for things, and outright abusing a system that has been broken from many years and no one does anything.

It is not even for a lack of trying to not do something about it those who actively try to do something about these situations end up falsely accused, sent to jail, or just outright assassinated.

That is not even the worst part about this world, nature is dying simply because of greed. As a lot that has been pointed out recently humans are literally dying off because we are not procreating enough, why are we not procreating enough because the greed of the top is refusing to do anything for those at the bottom or even in the middle.

As I said I've been alive for over 30 years and I legitimately don't want to be alive because of the state of this world. This world is far beyond the point we could fix. Even if we did manage to somehow fix all of these issues and help nurture nature back to life, we would still be on the verge of Extinction and the chemicals that we've used will have already made us infertile. Which wholeheartedly means that we have doomed ourselves, we have doomed the human race and the people in power / the rich who are almost all old have ruined it for the next generations to come and with this we have doomed not only ourselves but our planet to death.

[lupusexspiravite]

May this help those who dwell in the darkness of the mind.

You know, I was having a conversation with a person who asked me how I can be so strong after going through all the hell I have gone through in my life, and I said something that they wanted me to post because they thought it might help those who are also in the dark.

"To be honest I've never felt strong, I have never felt brave.

I have always felt like I just needed to survive, like there was something I had to do in this world, and it was not my time to give up, and so I grabbed hold of the Good Memories, and allowed them to be my strength."

By Lupus Ex Spiravite

That was my answer to this person, and I do not know if it will help anyone at all but I thought I would put it here just in case.

[lupusexspiravite]

Throughout the entirety of my life I have felt like I've been another person in another's body, just someone else is just occupying another's meat sleeve for their own needs so that they can survive.

I've been anxious and parakeet a lot thinking that I need to apologize for everything I do either apologizing just grabbing a glass of water or some ice because I'm taking precious resources from other people that I don't deserve because I have worked for it. I keep wanting to apologize for even interacting with people because I feel like I'm too lowely of a person to interact with anyone else.

I know where the stems from I know what gives these ideas needs thoughts power even through the medications that I take to stop it, these praying weasels get there power from my younger self that's been so inflicted with pain and anguish and detriment that he finds it hard to even walk among those who live.

My poor little wolf barely able to come out for fear of that we will anger those around, barely capable of breathing and speaking that even one word feels as if a thousand suns have to send it upon his throat.

Little Wolf's legs and body barely able to move or withstand this world's horrid breath, the chains of old reminding of when and Little Wolf and I found stripped tortured torn and ruined constantly running but never able to get away.

The truth is now we've gotten to the point where we believe what they told us wholeheartedly and without a second thought, we believe that we are nothing more than just a person to lick another's boot someone to be stepped on, used and abused, and tortured for fun.

We do our best to hide behind our woven mask but that can only hold for so long before the world is forced to see our true selves. Little Wolf forced to stay in hiding so that's what's left of our heart does not get broken.

There are days like today where our soul forces us to remember what we went through, all the while wanting, yearning, aching, for sweet release.

For the last it shall not come for we made it back even if things get so terrible that our body gives up we shall not give in.

Even though our mind wanders the dark Forest of anxiety, panic, distrust, and stress, we will do our best to survive but it doesn't mean that it doesn't affect us. All we want is of life full of calm enjoyable time but what we got is hell that masquerades as heaven.

[lupusexspiravite]

I feel so lost. Like a lone wolf wandering a forest of life where everything is attacking me and I can't find my stone my one point to push off, to strengthen my step, to bring my paw to the front over and over again, the blood dripping down from everywhere on my body. No one to help no one to support me as life finally tries to sink it's teeth into my already bleeding neck. My eyes blurred my head confused, my legs wobbling , my back nearly gone. A lone wolf abused and forgotten in a world of life where all should prevail.

[lupusexspiravite]

The Job Market in The United States is a Joke

It has been 8 and a half years since I started originally looking for a job in the United States, I have tried out for everything from burger flipper at McDonald's all the way to Manager of a Tech Firm, all the way to even remote customer service jobs and the only job I can find is literally contract freelancer for website design and administration which I only make 4k a year on ( which if you know the USA, with that you either chose starvation and a roof or food and the streets. ) I have many years of Customer Service, Cleaning duties, Technician for both Hardware and Software, Computer Drafting and Design, website design, coding and much more and yet not a single one of the 6k jobs I have applied to in the USA have agreed to hire me.

Let's break this down a bit, Is it my credentials? No, not a single bit I pay 200 a year to keep my certs and Knowledge up to standards. Is it my health, Possibly I have over 23 chronic Health issues that Compound and make a lot of my daily life hell but I still Do 20 to 30 hours a week with minimal issues ( that being said it is all online and through the computer so that makes it easier.) so in my opinion No? Is it my job experience? Again no because I have plenty of Experience in multiple areas that would make anyone want to hire me.

So the question is Why will not a single company in the USA Decide to Hire me?

Finally, recently I got an answer to this question, See currently Companies are posting job applications that are Incorrect or even Legitimate not even open.

Let me explain the First one, Companies are posting Mid and Senior Level jobs in Entry-level Job slots which means if you go to apply for an entry-level job in the USA either in person or online you will be faced with the job requirements of a Mid to Senior Level Job requirement. Which as I recently found out is what jobs have been doing for the past 10 years.

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For those who aren't familiar with how the Job Experience Level is supposed to work Here ya go:

Entry: This means that anyone with their GED or Highschool Diploma can Apply and Get into these. THESE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE TO HELP A PERSON GET JOB EXPERIENCE. (Which is a fact that every single company I've run into has forgotten.)

Mid: This means that anyone with a Highschool Diploma, GED, College Degree, and/or At least 2 to 3 years of actual work experience can apply and get into these jobs.

Senior: Now this is the Kicker Take all the previous for Mid-level except add a Bachelors's or Higher degree and 3 to 5 years of Actual Work Experience and this is what you should be applying for and getting these jobs.

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Then we also have the fact that Companies have recently been in the news about false/fake job postings leading people to get discouraged and even stop job hunting entirely.

Both of these are equally messed up in their entirety, however, there is one more fact that has been coming to light especially since the Covid Pandemic has Started and that is :

Toxic Workplaces and Customer Service Jobs are Being Left to rot as people quit because the pandemic has shown us how bad both of those really are. Every Single Entry Level job has been seriously toxic for too many years because the Customers and the Managers both treat the employees like there is nothing more than ants on their boots and this is heartbreaking.

Even with all of this going I am still going through and trying to find a way to Live but The USA has been making that Extremely hard.

Hell, there was a time where even with Monthy Income I was homeless living behind a gas station and cleaning up liter and cleaning windows just to make sure that I could keep my tent on the property and get food and drink when I needed it. (kicker her is I was making 9200 dollars a year at the point in my life.) Think about that 9200 dollars a year in Kansas and still had to choose between food and No roof over my head. That is 25 dollars a day to eat off (Which was mainly Mcdonald's chicken sandwiches and water.)

Think about that for a bit.

Now I want you to realize that you need at least 15 to 20 Thousand dollars to live in most places in the USA. That's Seriosuly expensive, oh and I almost forgot that out of that 25 dollars I was paying 10 dollars of that just for healthcare that would cover the 10 medications I need to Survive so in actuality I only had 15 dollars a day to spend on Food. This is the harsh reality I had to live with.

now you may ask how I am making 4k a year and have a roof over my head and such. This is only because I was able to become friends with a family after being homeless who I showed that I wanted to Work/ Stay alive and In return for Babysitting, Cleaning, Cooking and More I can stay at the house with utilities, Room, and Board all paid for but even though I work for everything I literally feel like a failure as a human being because I cannot afford to pay for Food, House, Utilities, and Healthcare without help.

And I cannot afford it because the job market is absolutely Horrendous where I live which is in the USA.

[lupusexspiravite]

All that Hard Work for Nothing

 Hello all its me again, Here is another story from my recent life that is Perplexing and also extremely Dis-Heartening.

 About 4 weeks ago aka a month ago I was told once i had passed the background check i would be allowed to work at a certain company that would allow me to work on my own schedule, work from home and multiple other promises. However, at this point i am not gonna be working there since the training is gonna cost me 600 dollars simply because I am having to move due to Hurricane Delta. I couldn't believe it, I am getting my last check from disability as of November, which i was forced off even though i am legally disabled but that is a different story. In my life, i have only had 5 places tell me they will take me and to be told i have to use my last check to pay for training that is gonna take 52 hours that wont even guarantee me work... as of right now i am extremely depressed (I wont do anything stupid i promise.)  How can someone get anthers hopes up like that then shatter them when they know what there going through. I cannot understand it. 

[lupusexspiravite]

My Health Journey and what Helped.

Hello, My Name is Wolf aka Lupus Ex Spiravite and i have a Story to share.

 8 Years ago, Just before I graduated college, Had a Fiancee/ Submissive, Was a Pro CoD Gamer and everything in the world felt Right. Then one day after a rather long and stresfull day, i woke up with a severe Headache that went on for 2 and a half weeks (Not days, weeks.) I thought i just had overworked myself, Come to find out 8 years later that it was the started point of when my health Deteriated and my safe and comfy world disappeared. It wasnt a meer headache this turned out to be my first of 3 total mini-strokes. I went in and they ER confirmed that during the last 2 weeks of my associates degree i had had a mini-stroke and was lucky that i was even alive. They ran tests and eventualy all they could do was tell me to get bed rest and do as much of nothing as i could.

So i did, and barely managed to graduate with a 3.45 gpa In Computer Drafting and Design. I was happy and i thought it was over so i went into going for my bachelors of Game Design. 2 months into the degree my body started to really move on its own, I had always had small jerking movements in random places of my body but this was different, It first started heavily in my hands making it extremely hard to do almost anything. So i went ot the doctors they gave me some muscle relaxers and sent me on my way. i was good for about 7-8 months before the movements went up from my arms into my chest and made it extremely hard to breath. The doctors didnt think anything of it and just gave me more pain releavers and sent me on my way untill i went to a hospital i personally trusted and they tested me and found i had Late onset Severe Tourettes Syndrome. Meaning that i had had tourettes my whole life but only recently did it begin to truly act up.

 I was given meddations and the twitches as i call them died down a lot. I was able to get back to my schooling and try to get good grades. so i did. Thought nothing of it until one morning i woke up with excruiciating pain in my chest. the type of pain and discomfort you never want to feal. toke me 3 hours before i told my fiancee to drive to the er. When we got there i ended up passing out 4 timee before i was brought ot the back and given again muscle relaxers which calmed it down. That was thrst of almost 900 chest pain attacks i had during the next 13 months During whcih my tics Just came back with force.

It toke those doctors 13 months to figure out i had an extremely rare condition which causes the muscles in my chest wall to contract at over 100 contractions a second, literally mimicking a heart attack without having a heart attack.  During this time I was diagnosed with 6 other Health Conditions, which eventually lead to me dropping out of getting my bachelors degree. So i toke a break friom school Opened my own computer repair company and went on my way to well living. Then i had a head ache this time not as bad but enough to cause me to black out for a total of 3 hours. when i woke up i was in the hospital, i was toke that the mini-stroke had left a scar of sorts which was gonna cause me to have black out head aches for the rest of my life. During this time i was working on gettingm my license and as soon as the DMV heard my health history they black listed me from driving. I let it roll off thinking everything will be ok. another 8 months goes by and My fiancee/Sub left because she couldnt handle me having these health issues. My buisness Died, and i was forced to go live with my sperm donor for a while.

 Which allowed me to focus on getting my health straightened out but that lasted 6 motnhs before i was kicked out of my sperm donors house because i wasnt christian. For 5 and half months i Literally spent the days and nights on the streats with nothing but me and the wilderness to contend with sincle it was a backwoods town. I eventually got a call from a friend and went to live with her for a while. She eneded up becoming my Sub because we had been in talks about it before i originally left to go stay with my sperm donor. i was happy for 2 years. I eneded up finiding that Marijuana was a good way to calm all my health issues down and because i had a Sub again My Phyiscal and Mental Health was extremely good. Till i hit another road block.

A second Min-Stroke, Followed by severe food poisioning a month later and 4 monhs after that a emergency Gall Bladder Removal, which left me weak and vulnerable yet again, and what happens my Submissive again Tells me She cant deal with my health issues and im forced to again leave. This time coming to another state where my sister helped me get my health situated ( During this time i had my third mini-stroke) before i get told the worst news in the world, I had stge 2 colarectal Cancer which needed an imidiate Surgery Removal. I was Diagnosed on May 9th, 2019, when into surgery 2 months later. Spend 3 months recovering before a secondary surgery was done and recovered from that after another 4 months.  This left me with mutiple Scars on the inside and a non-alcholic Fatty Liver with barely working kidneys. As of June 8th 2020 i was told i had beaten my cancer. I was happy but it left me with extra health issues.

 Mentally during the whole time i was and still am struggled with depression, Anxiety, Over active Stress, PTSD and More whcih was not being taken care of because to the doctors it wasnt bad enough. During this 8 year period i put myself in a Mental Hospital twice to try to deal with everything going on. Didnt really help. Then I started Teaching BDSM after all i had spent 5 years prior to this. First Studying for the first year, then Learning and participating in the BDSM Lifestlye for the remaining 4 years after i hit 18. BDSM Became the only way i could truly ground myself. When i was doing a scene it was like my entire health issues, both physically and mentally just Disappeared and my Sole focus was on what was going on in the Scene.

 Over all these years, Since i hit 18 and then when i hit 22 and became a Certified BDSM Master, BDSM Became the one Rock that even in the Darkest days could bring me out of it. BDSM Allowed me a Healthy Way to Cope while teaching and Enjoying something I  Loved. This is the power of BDSM that No one talks about. That no one expects but it is there. It pulls you into a grounding vortex that doesnt let you go for as long as you need so you can Enjoy. Have Fun, Safely and healthily become Grounded. For me Its like Lighting that electifies and subdoes all my health issues. Once i learned when i was 18 that it did that I never once looked back. and to BDSM I say Sincerely Thank you and i hope that During the rest of my Hopefully long Life i can within the BDSM Lifestyle.

The reason i diecided to make this was because, There has been a lot of people who Dont understand that the BDSM Lifestyle is Something more to me than just a relationship. It is literally a way for me to Keep myself going through the Crappiest of days. The funny part of all this is I know I am not the Only one in whicht the BDSM Lifestyle helps in this way.

Thank you for Reading the ramblings of a an old Souls post.