lyviedoll-blog

[lyviedoll-blog]

Starting a new journey ...

Laying here, I am still in a daze, everything has moved so quickly over the last few days and I have barely had a moment to really think about everything… Until now.

It has suddenly hit me that I have made one of the biggest choices I’ve ever made, I have put myself , totally and completely in the hands of another, I am an owned slave….. But what does that mean ?  To be owned, to submit, to obey without question, to be property . All these trouts swirl around my head like a vortex spinning in a bottle, round and round but pulling down to one singular point… I am owned.

Words like submission, slave , property, owned etc and are easily banded around and people play at this because they have seen it in 50 shades ( no I have never seen the film or read the book, it is a hard limit for me ;)) but I am in a situation where this is real, not some fantasy or some game, it is real. I am back to that one point again, I am owned, the property and toy of another.

Submission, what is it? What does it mean? Submission is not about being used, it is about being of use to someone, it is not about thinking less of yourself ( that draws me back to being corrected about doing that earlier..mental note made) but thinking of yourself less, it is not about what is done to you but what you can do for another. True strength comes in submission and true submission comes in embracing and accepting what I am. A slave.

I have come at this time and time again in the wrong way , the wrong thoughts, the wrong attitude, the wrong mentality. ‘ I’ does not exist anymore, ‘I’ is irrelevant , ‘ I’ is replaced with HIM. My own wants are left at the door, replaced with only the basic needs, nothing more, nothing less. The word ‘No’ is something of a foreign culture, something alien and a concept that I do not understand or recognise anymore.

In my submission the walls have come down, the body, the soul and the mind are totally exposed and vulnerable, everything is laid bare and nothing is hidden, that is such a scary place to be but yet I have never felt freer than I do now.

The crazy thing is that it hurts so much to be where I am but it feels so right, submission hurts. To be broken down , moulded, stretched , pushed, controlled , it hurts both mentally and physically. The only way I can describe it is like childbirth, that excruciating pain but something that brings something incredible . Submission is a total rebirth, it’s something new, terrifying, exciting , unknown even, it’s complete and unreserved helplessness and surreder, a leap of total and absolute faith in the other person. It is life changing, no escape, no way back, trust me, I have tried to run from this so many times but I always come back , always to this place. You can’t escape it, it haunts you, pursues you, engulfs you, until you give in.

My mind is racing, I want to walk to the edge of being a slave, I to put the blindfold on and wait silently, listening for his voice, waiting for his signal and then not walking but running, running with everything I have , toward him and not away. I need to push through the pain , the doubt, the fear, all the emotions that plague me and just run, no stopping , full pelt, forward, forward, forward until I am off the edge. No regrets, no way back, plunging with everything I have and everything I am , into the abyss. That is submission. Fear has no place, reservations are gone, it’s about accepting the challenge and fulfilling what I am.

I been asked in the past the question..” How do you know I am a slave ?” Well, I just do, you do not choose this life, it chooses you, it is something deep inside you that only the right dominant can bring out. I’ve always known I was submissive, it’s my nature but it was not until I met my Master that I have truly begun to understand myself, to understand this. My Master was the one who chose me and that is a mind blowing thing for me to grasp but he has been the missing link to a lot of things, he’s captured my mind, my body, my being. Submitting to him makes sense, I do not always believe it but it does, it brings calm to chaos that is around me.

In the last two days, I have begun to give in fully, it’s dawning on me that this is not my battle to fight, there is actually nothing to fight, only to learn, there is a lot I fear but there is so much to give. To be useful and not just used , I have a purpose , I will not think less of myself anymore because I feel I am a ‘ freak’. I am not. I will learn to accept what I am and embrace it. It is time not to dwell on what has been done to me in the past, or the scars I carry, both physical and mental.. They do not matter . It is about what I can do for the one who posses my mind, my body, my all.

I into HIM

I into HIM

I into HIM

Growing up , things were always confusing, always strange , never quite fitting in , never quite understanding, so many questions but never any answers. Yet in this moment, laying here, so much makes sense. I have been looking for the answers in all the wrong places, looking for quick fixes to ease the sting of the latest mistake. Numbness ,to emptiness , to  a fleeting fulfilment , to rejection, to anger, to,pain, back to numbness and the next quest for something to fill the void. Yes, this is what has been happening, a comfortable and familiar pattern which has played over and over. I can see it now as I write this, the victim, a role well rehursed and well known. Every line perfectly memorised, word for word, every emotion intimately known. I have had an addiction to misery and pain, gees I can see it now , clearly. A total flipping addiction to pain and misery, total self absorption in ‘I’, ‘Me’ ‘ Myself’, seeing nothing outside of ‘I’, a completely walled existence , a selfish and empty life. This entry has not gone how I had expected but wow… That has been me.

I I I I I

I need, I desire, I think, I was, I believe, I want, I have, I did… I I I I.

Manipulate, use, face the truth, panic, run away.

My Master asked me to write a honest and open blog, I have done so but there is that word again , ‘ I’.  I I I, so many I’s.

Submission is not an ‘I’, it is a mission to become submissive.

A mission to become submissive.

This is what my life is now, a mission, a task, a journey to submission. ‘ I ‘ becomes HIM.

Today , this day is the start , the first hurdle , the first step , they say the first step is always the hardest, but the first step has been completed. Fiction has become reality. He is there , he is real, he is constant, ever present, strong, in control and he still wants the mess I am . Well, here I am and this is beautiful, I am his beautiful disaster, his beautiful mess. For the first time, I have total acceptance , I am his. Wow…

This is actually mind blowing, how I am feeling right now, it is confusing and terrifying and crazy but none of that matters now. I am His.

‘ I ‘ into him, this is the start, the foundation , the walls are down, the fire of rage that has burned inside for me for so long is actually starting to die down and so,etching beautiful is going to come out of the ashes. So here I am, laying in bed, tears streaming down my face, broken , messed up and a total and utter disaster . But I have the biggest smile across my face at the thought of what this day actually means. Acceptance, purpose, belonging, a future, happiness , a second chance. But most of all, for the first time , not having to return to the pain and misery.

There is finally freedom in submission. Yes, the road ahead is long and uncertain but I am running towards him, unreserved and unashamed, the past is done and the future awaits.

Swapping selfpity for HIM

Anger for HIM

Fear for HIM

Regret for HIM

Weakness for HIM

Hate for HIM

Childishness for HIM

Wants for HIM

‘I’ into HIM

I am HIS slave and I am proud to be.