m-t-nester

[m-t-nester]

Well, something is better than nothing if you want to start sorting!

Remember, little Maria.

It could always be worse.

Oh. You.

Yes, I am quite aware of that, thank you very much. Have you a point or do you simply wish to mess with my head?

[m-t-nester]

Oh, don’t even start, you ominous blue prick. Little Maria is a pumpkaboo, not to be confused with Human Maria.

Remember, little Maria.

It could always be worse.

Oh. You.

Yes, I am quite aware of that, thank you very much. Have you a point or do you simply wish to mess with my head?

[m-t-nester]

....I don't remember how to want things. I guess it got too painful.

...how do you cope with the realisation your parents don't really love you?

[m-t-nester]

You don't have to care. You can just stop and drift away and be somewhere else, someone else, for as long as you can manage to forget it. And then you forget it again, until you don't recognize your own hands, much less your mother's face.

...how do you cope with the realisation your parents don't really love you?

[m-t-nester]

And I wouldn't ask you to.

Little Maria is a very insecure little creature. I passed on the compliment, and she just hid. I can see why she wasn't suited for the contest circuit, poor darling.

Ah... how have you been?

Oh dear... my apologies for making her feel worse, Em.

I have been alright. Busy, admittedly, but... alright, nevertheless.

Might I ask the same of you?

[m-t-nester]

Buildings are trivial. What about the people?

Little Maria is a very insecure little creature. I passed on the compliment, and she just hid. I can see why she wasn't suited for the contest circuit, poor darling.

Ah... how have you been?

Oh dear... my apologies for making her feel worse, Em.

I have been alright. Busy, admittedly, but... alright, nevertheless.

Might I ask the same of you?

[m-t-nester]

Ah, that's all right. She's a very fussy little creature. I told her that she's very lovely and special and cute, and she crept into my coat pocket and stared at me. I think she just felt very overshadowed, and needs some time to come into her own. I've informed her of all the virtues she has that her human counterparts may lack, and she chirped at me.

I'm... managing. I've been rather busy myself, trying to help with the raids. Making spreadsheets, keeping tabs on everyone. I did manage to install a home security system, just some external protections. Still, it's easy to feel lonely when nothing's going on.

Little Maria is a very insecure little creature. I passed on the compliment, and she just hid. I can see why she wasn't suited for the contest circuit, poor darling.

Ah... how have you been?

Oh dear... my apologies for making her feel worse, Em.

I have been alright. Busy, admittedly, but... alright, nevertheless.

Might I ask the same of you?

[m-t-nester]

I just mentioned to my own Maria that there seem to be a plethora of women who share her name. She… didn’t take the news well and is sulking on the shelf. Poor darling.

MARIA?!

Not cool, dude.

[m-t-nester]

Hello again. Sorry, I think it’s been a while.

I might need advice on a personal problem. I guess it’s not really my problem personally, but it’s something I want to take responsibility for. I’m trying to help someone who won’t admit she needs help.

At the risk of giving out too much information online. Well. I’ve mentioned someone before who goes by the pseudonym Blaze. She’s a transgender girl, meaning MTF, and she’s been… looking for someone the past two years. But she’s neglected to look after herself, and it’s concerning. She’s lost some of the weight she gained from starting hormones, and she seems more tired and dysphoric whenever I see her.

I suppose I just wish she was more selfish, is all. She’s socially transitioned and everything— I taught her the ins and outs of shopping for clothing as a woman, how to properly take care of her hair, how to ride out period cramps, and she’s taught me a lot too. I don’t think I ever thought about womanhood or gender like she does.

But she keeps refusing my help. I’ll offer her money to get more razors for on the go, because I know that having facial hair bothers her, but she’s too proud to take it. I know she wanted to do more in terms of medical transition, and I’ll find nice clinics that can do that, but she says she can’t take time off to do it. And I know, I know it’s her body and not mine. It’s her choice. But it hurts that she’s consistently denying herself happiness.

[m-t-nester]

Can you keep a secret?

It's okay if you can't. It doesn't matter anyways. But I've started vandalizing art.

I'm good at not looking guilty. The trick is that no one can tell if another person's face and body looks "guilty" or not. It was never about you, and you'll never be good enough to hide it. You just have to stay away from angry people when they're looking for a target.

Someone put a lot of time into making art, and a lot of thought. But it doesn't matter. None of it ever mattered. Aren't random splashes of ink just as good?

I used to live here. This place used to be my hometown, I mean. It feels like it belongs to someone else, though.

[m-t-nester]

An audio file is attached. Would you like to listen?

The door creaks open, and Cynthia’s voice can be heard. “Em?”

“If this is about what Key said—“

“They said you were feeling anxious today. You want to talk about that?” Her footsteps grow closer. 

“I’m a grown ass woman with the mental illness of an insecure teenager,” Em mumbles. “This isn’t your problem.”

“You’re the one who said that when someone is yours, it’s a responsibility. I… haven’t had a long term partner in a while. So I’m just as inexperienced as you are in this situation. Maybe even worse. I still want to learn and do better.”

“I hate. Having the mental illness of an insecure teenager.”

“I hate having the libido of one.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It’s not as fun as it sounds.”

Em sighs. “I… got nervous. I didn’t know what you meant the other night. I got insecure and wanted to find you, then I got ashamed and went home. I mean, are you my girlfriend or what? Can we please have a label or something?”

Cynthia is quiet. Too quiet. Then she says, “I’m sorry. This is my fault.”

“Wh— no?”

“No, this— this is my fault. The first rule of being an ethical slut is communication. And I never spelled out what we are. Because at this point, yes! I want to be in a committed, long term, non-monogamous relationship with you.”

“Is girlfriend an okay term. Please just give me a noun.”

“Yes. You are my girlfriend,” Cynthia says firmly. 

“Oh.” Em’s voice sounds as though her face is being squished. “Can we cuddle tonight?”

“Yes please.”

[m-t-nester]

Look. It isn't a big deal. I just... got self conscious about wanting affirmation. And decided not to walk into her private life at work. So I baked several dozen peanut butter cookies instead.

I'm... supposed to just trust in the ambiguity, right? Maybe they need to put me on a higher dosage of this stuff.

[m-t-nester]

you just said you ran off???

Yes! I had been approaching her-- temporary meeting spot, I suppose, where she plans some of her raids to get rid of the terrorists. But I got cold feet and ran. I didn't end up seeing her at all.

[m-t-nester]

How is your relationship with her going to work if you can't trust her when she says she loves you, that she wants you around? Go back, burn that note in a fire and sit your ass down on a couch with a hot cocoa. She wants you. She said it. Didn't she?

I know that!

Look, I-- I just wrote a note saying. Hi, I'll be at my own house tonight, we're having wontons for dinner if you want to show up.

[m-t-nester]

ah, the classic. burning your bridges before they can be burned for you.

wh-- what are you talking about, i'm not burning any bridges!

[m-t-nester]

I. I couldn’t do it. I ran away and left her a note.

[m-t-nester]

girl you don't need to get it in writing, she absolutely cares about you

that’s what I thought about all my ex friends???