m0rethem3rrier

[m0rethem3rrier]

Films of the Week

So I had a good weekend watching films, so here are my thoughts. I've been watching a lot of films that make you feel "Oh that's fucked" in some way or another. Uncomfort Comfort movie?

KIDS (1998) - 3 stars

How do I even start this review? Well, the director is Larry Clark, and the writer is Harmonie Kornie, so between the two of them, this film had very gross and filthy shots. Not only were the actions that took place gross, but the actual film style made the audience feel like rotting meat in the sun. Essentially, this film is about a group of teens and children going around New York City drinking, smoking, and mainly finding virgins to sleep with. Larry Clark is not one to shy away from uncomfortable imagery and topics, and it's no wonder that this was such a controversial film. Editing-wise, I thought the rough up close and in-your-face shots reflected in chaos and unpredictability of the adolescent mind. You don't know where you're going, but you're going somewhere. The film was raw and gritty, and overall, I enjoyed how the subject of this film was shot, which made the viewer feel uneasy. However, this film did not really hit the mark for me. I can appreciate how real and raw the film is, but I did not feel as though the end scene was needed. I do not believe it brought enough to the plot to be necessary. Yes, it was revolting, but with multiple other scenes of sexual assault and harassment. The normalization of these behaviors was already well established. I understand that not turning the camera away or ending the scene sooner makes the viewer sit with the experience. Inevitably, it brought very little to the actual theme of the story. Especially when actors are meant to portray teens, there is a line when it becomes an explicit sexual assault shock factor. This film wasn't bad, and I can understand the appeal. I wanted to sanitize my whole body after watching this, and the experience was intense (which is what Larry aims for). Watch with discretion.

SNOWTOWN (2011) - 4 stars

God damn.... I was so surprised that I had never heard of these events until this film. The switch between dread, relief, and confusion was one of my favorite aspects of this movie. I will be commenting mostly on the actual portrayal of the film and not the facts of the actual Snowtown or Black Barrels Murders, or whether Jamie was or was to be blamed. That is a whole other review. You know what you are in for real quick with this movie. It is based on the serial killings 1990s, primarily of suspected pedophiles, homosexuals, and "weak" people. When introduced to John Bunting, played by Daniel Henshall, there was an immediate small pit that was in my stomach, I could not find any reason why, of course, until later in the film. NOTE: I went into this film without any knowledge of the murders. Daniel did an absolutely phenomenal job acting as John. The ability to make me almost forget his heinous actions was shocking. I mean most of the actors were pretty damn good. They used mostly non-professional actors for this movie, which I believe made the film that much more authentic. The movie is bleak, it is dark, and it is harrowing. The choice to show graphic material in this film, unlike Kids, actually contributed to not only the plot and progression of the movie but also the cinematography. The meshing of these scenes also mirrors Jamie's psyche, becoming disillusioned. Jamie can not cope with the extreme trauma that John is putting him through, so the scenes of murder are fragmented and jostled, which is what feels like a living nightmare. This is exactly what Jamie was experiencing during his life with Daniel. Overall, I would highly recommend this to anyone who can handle disturbing materials and has a fascination for psychology and crime. Do I wish that there was a little more explanation of who these characters were? Yes. It was pretty difficult in the beginning. Very glad I took the time to watch this.

I was going to detail the third film, but honestly, I am tired and I need a clear head to write this next review on the movie HAPPINESS, yes, the 1998 one.

[m0rethem3rrier]

I hope someone understands this

I've been feeling too much. I have opened a can of worms and must write it down or feel like I might implode. All my life I've felt misunderstood but lately this feeling has intensified. I have spiraled into a never-ending thought train with no answer. Will anyone ever understand me completely? I thought that maybe someone could one day, but I don't really know if that is true. Even though this is what I desire most to experience in my human existence I don't know if it is realistic. I want someone to understand every fiber of my being and every layer of myself. I used to have hope but now I don't think that feeling could ever be realistic for me. Do I need to come to terms with the fact that this may never happen? I want to know someone so intimately that they could never doubt for a second that I understand them. This might not even be healthy but it's killing me to put death to my dream. For as long as I can remember my only dream was to have this feeling of desire fulfilled. And I can feel the stinging of my chest as I type this. Is it pathetic or some trauma response? I don't know. I know I'm logical enough to understand that I may end up never having my dream become reality, but I can't help but feel so much and it never stops. Sometimes I think life would be easier if I was a robot and my emotions weren't so big that I feel the crushing weight of everyday life. Maybe I need to grow up and shove those emotions down and get real. But that feels like throwing my whole being away. Aren't we supposed to be ourselves? How can I be myself when I don't believe anyone will understand it all the way? The writing isn't helping so I am going to stop here.

[m0rethem3rrier]

I wrote this a couple years ago and wanted to share, enjoy.

For you, I would give my last whispered breath

On my deathbed, I will only think of if you will be with me in the next life

You make life worth living

For only you would I let consume me whole

Ravage like a dog in my body and mind

Destroy me if only to sculpt me into your design

My design only exists with you in it

For there is no world in which you aren't a part of me

The world does not exist without you

Because you are my scripture and wine

Transcend the physical boundaries of my soul and become akin to me

Evangelical combination

Rectify this abomination

[m0rethem3rrier]

An Ocean of Expectation

Does everyone feel like they are microscopic, the size of a parasite? Do they feel the inner urge to destroy? The yearning to strip everything down to its purest form? Do they see everything in everything? Isn't it all connected, every touch, conversation, interaction, and object? Do I have a choice in controlling my numb spiraling mind? How do I feel so much but express so little? Am I good? Would my parents like me if I wasn't their daughter? Do my brothers forgive me for saving myself? I wasn't old enough to raise you, please forgive me. I tried my best. I had to stop the supernova in me from exploding. Do we become our parents? I want to be better, I want to be gentle. How do I get rid of rot behind the layers of my facade? How is it that I feel powerless and powerful at the same time? I promise I can be good, the way a fire can promote new growth in a forest. Should I turn to religion? Do we all pretend? I've started praying for an answer, but God doesn't want to answer my pleas.

[m0rethem3rrier]

My Muse

Almost anything can be poetic if you try hard enough. I've made my own romanticization out of something so destructive. I want to fight the destruction, and I promise I do. I am just so tired right now, and this destruction is comforting. It's been there when I trusted no one else to understand or help. Maybe I have an addictive personality, or perhaps I am just making excuses to not accept who I really am. I am too cowardly to fight. Our courage is a small coal we keep swallowing. I've thrown my coal up. Sometimes, the guilt of what I willingly give up that others die from not having consumes me. I feel so broken right now, and I'm so sorry. I think I have the destruction under control, but I can't be entirely sure. It is slipping deeper and deeper into me again. I'm in love with the feeling of it, and I hate it simultaneously. Both paths lead to loss and hurt. So, how can I keep fighting when I don't know what I want?

[m0rethem3rrier]

Jesus loves me, yes I know, but do you?

Understanding one's whole self is a feat. There is a twist the second you think you've figured yourself out. A trauma here, an unhealthy attachment there. While I believe in the value of self-improvement, it can get exhausting. Am I really bettering myself, or am I searching for flaws so that I can fix them to become "perfect?" Perfectionism has been my lover, yet it is my biggest enemy. It swoons me with promises of being loved if only I was perfect, if only I was without any flaw at all. I could say all the right things and look all the right ways. Then and only then could any love be unconditional. This is all irrational, and I know that, but I can not help but be drawn to it. A moth to a flame. A fool to a swindler. I have to recognize that I am more able to identify these irrational thought patterns, which I am proud of. Becoming older means realizing these things, and it would be easier to ignore them or fall into them, but I don't want to live my life chasing some impossible version of myself. So, I am flawed. I am angry. I am filthy. Sometimes I am dirty. But I am human. I am thoughtful. I am sensible. And sometimes, I am loved.

[m0rethem3rrier]

Father, forgive me, for I have sinned.

I hate being jealous. Feeling the emotion makes me feel guilty. Around the holidays, jealousy, or rather envy, boils inside. I don't want these feelings, and accepting them is a task. A task I feel ill-equipped to handle. When I see people my age who are excited to go home for Christmas, I feel like an error. See, in my experience, I didn't want school to end because I would have to be around my family more. Stress and fear erupted when I was around my parents. And now I can create my own meaning of holidays. But some part of me still wishes going home would evoke happiness instead of anxiety. Becoming an adult is the best and most transformative experience that has ever happened to me. But I still can't put a cap on that childish jealousy. I want to be happy for others and their healthy family relationships, and oh god, I try, but I just can't help but want what they have. I violate the 10th commandment every December.

[m0rethem3rrier]

Peaks and Valleys

Writing this is difficult. My thoughts do not conform to the rules I want them to have. I want to strive for progress in everything I do, but I crave chaos. With every good, I need the bad. I desire to be loved, but my version of love is unhealthy. It almost feels like love, happiness, and health were not meant for me. Maybe these thoughts are juvenile. I know I am the only one who can change my reality, yet I find myself in the valley of self-pity. If I wanted to be happy, I should be able to make it happen. I am at the age of finally understanding myself, but I want to regress to a state of youth and carefree recklessness. Maybe I still can. As I watch my peers work and go out to socialize, I wonder if they feel solidified in their identity. Do they know that I can see their fear too, feel their false confidence? Are we all fighting against following in our parent's footsteps?

[m0rethem3rrier]

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