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[maddenleague]

I GOT MATSUI!

What is new in your life? Is your girlfriend pregnant? Have you considered Chantix? Did you switch parking spots at work? Did the calendar just flip over to a new month? New sunglasses? Has a recent promotion/demotion at work kept you up at night/let you sleep like a baby? Well, then, if none of these things ring true for you, I’ll get on with it. There are a bunch of new happenings within the tiny, yet wildly complex, world of Madden League. Monumental and life changing events like (inadvisably) bringing life into the world; small swings in momentum like (inadvisably) ending a dry spell [without sex]. Swift upward movement like taking the family out of the dark and into the light; quiet, gentle, mousy footsteps like (inadvisably) getting a dog. Bone-breaking, knee-buckling, marriage-inquiring actions involving a ring, a tower, and tight khakis; a brisk walk across the bridge between being a singularity and being a [new] duality. All these things and more are visible, tangible shifts in mindsets, habits, and emotional acuity of what, at one point, seemed like a group of ten doomed individuals. If life moves forward, then it moves in tandem - at lightspeed - with Yahoo! Fantasy Sports.

Here’s the breakdown of the week:

Shit! Sorry, that's just an emotional breakdown. Here’s the fantasy football four week breakdown:

Equine: of, relating to, or resembling a horse.

I think Austin (Challenge Court) has been atop the Madden League standings as long as Old Town Road was atop the billboard charts. There are so many horses in his stable and the one with the most mileage (Frank Gore, Oh Timeless One) seems to be saddling up for a go at 16 grand. Hold your horses, though, with the second fewest points against, Tonz might be pulling up lame at the 3/4 poll.

Porcine: resembling swine; hoggish; piggish.

I, myself, think that myself, Landon, also known as Oh Bae Hota, has a muddy, sloppy, waist deep, pen full of piggies. They go rootin’ around in the dirt for touchdowns and always come up with all of them. And about the only the person who can ruin my pork party is Melvin Gordon. Fuck him!

Bovine: characteristic of or relating to cows or cattle.

The bell cow for Alan (Shuffle the Dekeler) is NOT JOE MIXON! The bell cow for Alan’s team is still NOT JOE MIXON! The cow, who has the responsibility of leading the other cows to slaughter, is most definitely Chris Godwin. And they be servin’ up fat steaks! Yummy, fat-filled, inch thick, Kobe beef steaks! Side of milk and mayonnaise kind of steaks! New York strip steaks to be enjoyed on the subway in the dead heat of summer!

Pavonine: of or resembling a peacock or the colors.

Birds are inherently terrifying as they are the direct descendants of dinosaurs. However, flightless birds, like the peacock, are direct descendants of Petco goldfish. Moreover a peacock with clipped wings, like a Saquon with one good ankle, might as well be a nearly weightless phytoplankton, floating on ocean currents, waiting to be consumed by a sardine. Good luck, Jared (Gordon Bombay)! Triple deke won’t help you this time!

Feline: of or relating to cats, you idiot.

It’s week 11: the world ended shortly after week 8 as the tension between the muscles in my lower back became too great, the energy from them tearing apart rolled over the surface of the Earth, decimating all living organisms. All LIVING things, mind you. Ashes and downed power lines and felled trees begin to shift and fall aside as Marcus Mariota’s career begins to emerge. Even this emergence, nay, REsurgence, cannot overcome the end of all things; despite an absurd lack of competition on a planet devoid of life, Will (Top Rope TJ) and Marcus Mariota are destined to lose week 11 as a result of bye weeks. - For post-apocalyptic cat inspiration, please watch the first scene in The Book of Eli.

Serpentine: resembling a serpent, as in form or movement.

Emily Wolcott winds her way through the growing group of patrons at Au Cheval, bouncing left and right off of heavily-weighted American male shoulders. She beholds, at the front of the line, the heaviest, weightiest, American male shoulders a person could ever behold: Nick Chubb. Directly behind Nick? Derek Au Goryl (Emily Au Chevalcott). “Derek, my love, what are you doing here?” Emily hisses. He replies cooly, “I came to buy my only hope and my only love, a burger from the best burger place in Chicago.” This is too much to bear for Emily. So she sheds her skin and slides quickly between the drain grate in the floor.

Cervine: deerlike

Chris (Pancake Sandwich) feels the good about the state of his car’s tires in this early Fall climate, despite the obvious worn edges and cracked rubber along the rims. He drives with ease. He drives for fun tonight. Headed out toward the lake for a weekend getaway. The tall, thick trees break through the pants..I mean, the fog, as his headlights reach out ahead of him. As his destination approaches, the roads slow and curves become more frequent, more tempting. He floors the accelerator around the last curve only to find a wide-eyed, terrified and petrified, Tom Brady crouching in the direct middle of his lane. It’s too late. His tires too old. Tom, also, too old.

Anserine: resembling a goose; gooselike

He flap flaps here, he flap flaps there, and still, his webbed feet remain on the ground. Mom Goose and Dad Goose and John Goose and Ron Goose all did a flap flap here and a flap flap there and seem to have left Goff Goose behind for good. If and when, he promises himself, he gets off the ground, he’ll flap flap all over they ass to a championship. For now, though, Goff Goose has no choice but to honk honk away on Noah’s (Ray_Ray20) team.

Murine: Muridae, a family of rodents that include rats and mice.

Narrator: The smell of stinky cheese permeates the air... [Camera pans to six foot tall screenshot of Zack’s fantasy team (Bud Lightyear)]

Leporine: relating to, or resembling a hare.

Jordan Howard straightens one floppy ear. He hears something. Something deep and sonorous, nearly sorrowful. The sound subsides, the ear relaxes, whiskers stop twitching. Sweeping his sunken, unblinking eyes across the dwindling light of the horizon, he snatches a fleeting glimpse of a shooting star. The sizzle and snap of light against the silky black blanket of the night. The noise returns. Deeper. This time a definitive sound of anguish reverberates around his white, furry sound seekers. Jordan can draw but only one conclusion from this strange string of sad musical notes: an alarm clock ring! Its Saturday morning! Test time! Kory (Gina Salamie) opens his eyes...

[maddenleague]

1 QB Victory, A History

What’s a recap of only two match-ups? Twocap? Deucecap? Bicap? Capduo? I’ll tell you what it is since no one else will. A week recap of only two match-ups is.........really, really short. There’s nothing really to say that can’t be said with a 10 second flurry of punch-tap-punch-tap-punch-recap.

Jared’s small business idea - Gordon and Barkley LLC - failed miserably a mere two weeks before a small government subsidy was to be handed out. There are [probably] thousands of proverbs, sayings, idioms, anachronisms, tales, and fables, warning humanity - or certain individuals - of hubris and the danger of “counting your eggs, er, chickens”. Jared, apparently, had never heard of any of them, was not shockingly cocky, and LOST TO A TEAM WITH ONLY ONE QUARTERBACK! Congratulations to Austin (who will probably never read this) as you head into Playoff Week 2 undefeated!

There are [probably] thousands of stories, allegories, analogies, metaphories, similes, and parables, warning humanity - or certain individuals - of arrogance and the idea of “counting your points before they’re, uh, scored”. Derek and his poorly labeled band of misfits (Sargent Pepperoni) took on Zack and his even more poorly labeled band of oddballs (Dairy Sanders).....and won. It was easily the season’s least likable match-up. I would like to spin a yarn and bend an ear about the nuance and strategy of this head-to-head but I’d rather put my head to bed.

Enjoy the week. Take with you a sense of purpose. Kickoff for Thursday Night Football is in twenty minutes.

[maddenleague]

“I Want to Playoffs!”

In every competitive sports league and in every possible universe where sports are played, the constituents are driven by one simple idea: WE WANT TO PLAYOFFS. But the nature of this universal beast is that at least forty percent of those teams won’t get to Playoffs, according to a stat I made up for this post. How do we, as humble humans, reconcile this 60/40 fault line down the “middle” of our cyber arena? One way is to trick ourselves into believing we care about other things: family, pets, jobs, the sun being there in the morning, the Stars beating the Avalanche, cold beer, hot takes, warm beer, mild salsa, school, and frozen beer. The list goes on for awhile and has a million variations. If you pose the following two questions to anyone in your fantasy league: How big is space? How badly do you want to Playoffs? You’ll find that their face twists into confusion then quickly melts into a soft, uncertain smile. The quivering corner of their mouth giving away the simple fact that everyone, with no exceptions, isn’t completely committed to Playoffs.

Let’s find everyone’s weakness, their soft spot, the one thing they’d take in exchange for a playoff spot; starting with the only person who’s clinched.

Kerryon Wayward Son (Will): A man with simple tastes. A man with something to lose. A man and his leisure sports. What’s the one thing that he would hesitantly miss fantasy playoffs for? A fistful of cash and a free plane ticket to Vegas.

Tommy Gufano (Me): A golden retriever puppy, probably.

Chiefs Carnival (Austin): [Exhales uncertainly] Ice cream sandwich?

Gordon and Barkley LLC (Jared): A 12 pack of Bud Light and 10 chili dogs.

Sergeant Pepperoni (Derek): I had a lengthy internal debate about this one but concluded that it wouldn’t have to be something extravagant to take his heart out of the playoffs - a firm handshake from Matthew Stafford ought to do the trick.

 Dalvin’s Dumpster(fire emoji) (Alan): A year’s subscription to premium podcast content and a nice pair of slacks.

Dairy Sanders (Zack/Zach): A threat on his life.

Molotov Cocktease (Chris): He would somewhat unwillingly trade his playoff hopes for a sit down discussion with Vladimir Putin about the trademark rights to Molotov Cocktease.

Mouth Hugs (Tyler): An in-company promotion to another English-speaking country. No, that seems too outlandish. I would like to think he’d be okay with missing playoffs to spend four months traveling the southwestern United States sampling grass-fed steaks.

Butt Piss (Kory): A rich benefactor grants him the time and money to start his own shirt removal company; specializing in hockey games, Monday through Friday nights on the couch, pick up basketball, fire department calendar shoots, beerpong games....really any situation you might need to lose your shirt.

Playoff posts to follow. I need to Playoffs!

[maddenleague]

Clean Sheets

I’d like to wish a wonderful ‘WELCOME BACK’ to everyone everywhere, including but not excluding these wonderful entities; myself, the millions of followers, the algorithms, the logarithms, the ghosts in the machine, Ex Machina, and Derek, Joe Buck, Troy Aikman’s librarian glasses, recaps, kneecaps, and Chris, newlyweds, time travelers, road trippers, and Kory, late hits, yellow flags, crispy boys, drafting auction style, and Noz, fast starts, quick finishes, blue skies, green squalls, and Will, two in the backfield, one in the flat, the Jackson 5, cool nights, Le’Veon Bell, and Big Al. Behind the megapixels and microphones, in front of the cameras and ocular organs, is a three hour, twenty two man, heavyweight, and cross-dimensional slugfest called football. A game. Fame and torture. A physical symphony cutting a swathe through American culture. Bring your eyes and hearts, but not your brains or thoughts; leave your fourth down superstitions at the door.

From what I can remember about what happens next, there is supposed to be a recap of the week’s matchups and maybe some insight into those head-to-heads. But my brain, like the brains of NFL players in the 70′s, is akin to the space junk that floating around the ship during Wall-E. So, in the spirit of space, space travel, wormholes, time distortion, quantum theory, the multi-verse - I’m just gonna start saying things. Not much of it will make sense and I can assure you there seemingly won’t be an end.

In descending order of point differential, your matchups:

Tommy Gufano (the big sleezy)[141.36] vs. Free man J’Goff (Kory)[85.46]       Lion’s roar is to hangover fart as Tyreek Hill is to the Ram’s D.

Kerryon Wayward Son (Will)[158.86] vs Pat Magroinz (Chris)[108.48]       Drew Brees is to David Njoku as a grilled cheese is to a styrofoam cut on your nutsack.

Patrick Pay-dirt (Austin)[141.76] vs Mouth Hugs (Tyler)[106.06]        Patrick Mahomes is to Jamaal Williams as a broken tackle touchdown is to torn ACL.

Brand New Schusters (Alan)[165.02] vs Dairy Sanders (Sack)[134.16]        Having a company credit card is to being homeless as Philip Rivers is to Doug Baldwin.

Third Leg Gregggg (Jared)[124.40] vs Henne Way U Want It (Derek)[114.62]        Kirk Cousins is to the New Orleans D as Calgary, Canada* is to post-’Trina New Orleans.

Whatever brought you here, I’m sure as shit you didn’t find it. But thank you for coming......or are you just breathing hard? Have a good night. Or a bad night. Some people are at different places in their lives.

*Calgary, Canada is the cleanest city in the world according to a study by Miratel Solutions.

[maddenleague]

I Am

I am a friend. I am a brother. I am a son. I am nothing but these.

I am one of ten. I am usually a pun. I am profane. I am not pleased.

You are here. Here in front of a screen. You want the words to flow recklessly, without apparent pause for thought or weary hesitation, into your swift stream of consciousness. You are a reflected face with a furrowed brow and unblinking eyes. You are balancing thoughts and those same thoughts are weightless, fleeting. You are revising an old equation with a missing variable. You are calculating the minimum physical cost with the maximum emotional effect and it’s not going well, at least, not at the moment. You can’t cover the time, the people, the person, the sense of home, the senselessness, the pain, the strength; you can’t cover these, not with a frayed blanket of words.

I am you.

The Santa Fe S.W.A.T. team will be called to an incident involving paint supplies at a local art gallery around 9 p.m. tomorrow evening. A call will go out from the sheriff on-site requesting SWAT because a situation has escalated. The team will arrive and be debriefed. After which, there will be a quick meeting of ranking officers and a plan will be outlined for the team. Three team members to the front of the building, two to the rear exit, and two to the roof for reconnaissance. The two on the roof will punch a hole in an air conditioning duct allowing them to gain entry to the space directly above the art gallery. They are going to be instructed to use a fiber optic cable and display to help the rest of the team to visualize the situation. As they feed the cable through a ceiling vent and position the picture on the display, a weird scene below them will begin to materialize. Do you know what they’ll see?

They’ll see the budding playoff landscape of Madden League as it sits after week six (2017). It’s not what they’d be expecting, either; Alan ranked as number 1, Will ranked in binary 10101010, fantasy football savant and all-around good guy, Tyler, is lurking in the second spot, GuapDad4000 also lurking, Commish Derek catching el’s like its taco Tuesday in Tijuana, and somewhere in the middle are five teams only separated by their Points For. At at a time like this, predictions are FTB (for the birds) and FTY!SA (for the Yahoo! sports algorithm). About the only “out there” thing I can see happening this year is that Zach/Zack overtakes Chris as the manager making the most moves (Chris only +4 at this point).

If you were paying attention to the story line at all, you’ll come to notice that the “paint supplies” were made to be, by the author, a complete fabrication and are in no way related to the budding playoff landscape of the Madden League fantasy football league. Please be careful what you read because some of it can be deceiving (e.g. “1. Billy's Mafia - 1159″ <--- that is a power ranking based on number of points projected to be scored for the rest of the season).

[maddenleague]

108

This has to take me less than 25 minutes otherwise I’ll be late for work...

Yin and Yang time. Two sides to every coin. The duality of life.

Blood and Siemian - I had the two greatest quarterbacks of all time...this week. Griffin And A Tearin’ - Two trades in between matchups helped...this week...and definitely for the rest of the season. Chin up.

New York New Noz (statue of liberty emoji) - You like that?! You like that. I like that. Keep liking it. Rim Job Cooter - somehow “I told you so” doesn’t quite say it. HAVING FOUR PLAYERS FROM THE SAME TEAM ON YOUR SQUAD IS A DUMB FUCKING IDEA Zach/Zack!

Mouth Hugs - you were the lucky recipient of trash time bortleservice. Now get your dick out of my vodka and orange juice. See you in 24 hours. John Tabahto (Jared, I don’t even want to google this to see what it means) - I’m not even sure how you lost because you had a ton of double digit numbers on your roster. But an L is an L and you’re getting pretty good at it.

BadBad Antonio Brown - having a defense that is greater than or equal to a better than average QB is like eating a pint of ice cream and figuring out after that it’s fat-free. joshuatreesun - don’t take pity on Danny. He dug his grave and now he has to lie in it while each of us fill in the hole one week at a time.

Duck Butter Soup - you’re getting dangerously close to that 4-player-on-the-same-team limit, I guess the only difference is that they’re Patriots. Full-blooded American heroes. Peytom Branning - it’s a long fall from the top. Just ask Danny.

[maddenleague]

Did I edit this? No. Will you watch it? Yes. #MaddenLeague (at Brooklyn, New York)

[maddenleague]

Getting Tested: Madden League Midseason Report

Amidst the turmoil and competitive grind of the fantasy football season, a league consisting of primarily love-hate relationships will, every once in a while, find itself in a magical time period where the “g chat is lit”.  This consists of that special moment when two or more of the members engage in conversation for: laughter, debate, philosophical thought, support for a fellow member having ‘the sex’, moral principles, pictures of Chelsea Boomgaard, or difficult life decisions and/or situations.  Typically infused by boredom, alcohol, or Kory, having a lit g-chat is a nostalgic reminder and appreciation of why we are all still in this together and have remained friends – except Zack/Zach. Or Alec.

As the season reaches somewhere near, before, after, or around the general “midway point”, the “g chat was lit” for a reason previously not experienced or discussed before.  The question was posed regarding how one should go about having “the big” conversation with the one you love.  That’s right, the conversation where you come out and tell them that you’re ga….errghh….sorry, I mean…come clean and tell them that you have a contagious disease.  Fortunately, no one in our league has had to have this conversation (that we know of) – primarily because the only person in our league that “fucks” is Matthew Stafford. No, seriously, we don’t fuck…like at all.  2017 is our year, though.  Irregardless, the g chat highlighted the internal struggle one would face, if they had to tell a loved one that they had a dirty dong.  With that, and the spirit of Halloween in mind, I would like to present to you the Madden League Midseason Report....by wearing the costume of Goryl, who was smarter, applied himself in high school, got into UofM Dental School and claimed to be a doctor so he could diagnose the STD results of our Madden League Fantasy Football teams:

1)      Peytom Branning – Can’t Afford Health Insurance.  Coincidentally, Kory’s team was unable to afford health insurance, which has resulted in the current leader (6-1) taking an “ignorance is bliss” approach to his season/STD test.  If you don’t get tested, you can’t get diagnosed, right? Peytom Branning believes all is clean with his team, as he has only made single digit “moves/transactions” this season.  So far, this strategy has paid off, not only because Kory won’t have to pay expensive transaction fees, but because he has placed himself ahead of the rest by a distant two games.  Up to this point, two Falcons have flown Kory in prime position to nest one of the playoff bye weeks.  Despite a recent trade to send Devonta Freeman south (to Alan’s team) for the winter, Kory will look to ride the wings of another Falcon – Matt Ryan.  My Prediction: Dong makes the playoffs but injuries and the second half Falcons catch up to him and he loses in the second round.

2)      New York New Noz (statue of liberty emoji) – Bi-curious.  Does it feel good? Does it hurt? Am I going to score 200 points this week or 90? Is that rash from wiping too hard or from a drunken night out in Ferndale? This team, like Derek, can’t decide what he wants.  Once a smooth talker, who was somehow able to convince girls to like him and guys to give him attractive fantasy assets…erghh…I mean fantasy football players, I now find myself on a dry spell, having not successfully executed a trade all season.  Now trade and sex partners are staying away from me like I have the clap.  My prediction: My team goes up and down like Noz taking stairs to find Emily Walling (thanks for the reminder, Chris!), but unlike Noz, I get lucky and score a Bye Week.

 3)      Griffin & A Tearin’ – Matthew McConaughey in Dallas Buyers Club.  Really, I don’t understand it. I just don’t. Every year, this team has AIDS – honestly look at his roster – but still manages to succeed (4-3).  Death. Taxes. Alan makes a bad team good.  Here’s a screen clip from Monday evening.  Alan is rostering: two kickers, a retired player, a player on IR, Jacob Tamme and, of course Antonio Gates (not pictured here).

My prediction: Alan takes the 6 seed, but I pray I don’t have to play him in the playoffs.

4)      Blood and Siemian – Old Fashioned.  Can you catch anything from a handjob? Landon’s team is as clean as a whistle, primarily due to his yearly drafting of old (fashioned) and reliable players.  With the likes of Anquan Boldin, Brandon Marshall, Mike Wallace, Frank Gore, Darren Sproles and Aaron Rodgers, his team would’ve crushed it in 2009. Us, like Landon’s team, want to live in the past. We pine to return to our 2009-selves, where life was optimistic, responsibility was optional, and girls existed - seriously, where did they go? I’m lonely. And desperate… Unfortunately, it’s not 2009 and we are now creeping up on 2017. It’ll be a race between Landon’s Team and Madden League to off itself first. My prediction: I pass the Clorox to Landon and he drops down to the 7 seed, juuuust missing the playoffs.

5)      Rim Job Cooter – Saving Himself for Marriage.  Truly, I haven’t spoken to Zach/Zack about his personal life since ‘nam.  It took me 30 seconds to remember his last name. Knew it started with an M, though.  I can only assume he has a long term girlfriend (probably hotter than we want to give him credit for) and they’ll get married before Will and Tiff – because that’s how life works. My prediction: This team is crammed full with more young talent than the Wayside on a Thursday. He’s making the playoffs – sorry Landon.

6)      BadBad Antonio Brown – Saving Himself for Marriage. Just kidding, but really, when are you going to propose? Better hurry if you’re looking for a 2017 wedding – the SL Country Club is getting booked up fast! What’s the groomsmen lineup looking like? Rob, Landon, Kory, Alan…a Bacci?..Jared? I’d say they’re borderline. So is your fantasy football team. Right on the line of the playoffs at 3-4.  My prediction: Unlike Noz, Will finds his way into the party (albeit with a losing record).

7)      Mouth Hugs – Alec Howe.  7 weeks into the season and Tyler’s team, Madden League fit and STD screening all remain as mysterious as Alec.  Is Tyler funny? Was he trying too hard in New York? Is he now trying to balance that out by not being inactive in the g chat and in transactions? Is his team good? Is he gay? We really don’t know. My Prediction: Tyler experiences more social success in Portland and Seattle than fake football success on the digital gridiron. He misses the playoffs, but finally realizes the ACT game is real and finds a way out of it.

8)      Asian Penis – Wabbit SZN.  With HNTN SZN coming up, or going on, or whatever…you ever think about how fucked up it is that we kill animals? Like wtf, what’s the point in killing a deer that can’t fight back? Or an innocent rabbit that doesn’t even taste good? Is there an adrenaline rush in that? If you’re going to do it, why not try to kill something badass, like a Bear, or a Wolf, or anything that hasn’t already been killed by a Drunken Jeep Grand Cherokee on Hemlock?

Anyway, for Chris’ sake, it’s Wabbit Season (Daffy Duck voice). He’s banging like one, making roster moves like one, and hopping, from city to city, like one.  Chris, can you get an iPhone and add all of us on “Find Friends”? At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if your ticket to Portland was 1 way.  Regardless of where Chris ends up physically, on Yahoo! Fantasy Sports, he’s going to end up out of the playoffs and in the ACT game. He’s last in the league in points and starting someone named Kevin Hogan this week – your guess is as good as mine as to what position he plays. WR? TE? Nascar Driver?

9)      Joshuatreesun – Playing From Behind. Danny, making a comeback/cumming on backs since 1991. Despite all of Madden League playing from behind since the kickoff of 2016 (I mean, it was an incredible NYE…we did it to ourselves!), Danny, very late into the season, has managed to find himself a little Bumble Bee for which to pollinate. In parallel, we’ve let Danny’s team blossom into a nice little flower, winning his last two in a row.  For both the Bumble Bee and the Fantasy Football Flower, all it is going to take is a little more joshuatreeSUN for them to be all in.  My prediction:  Danny keeps on pounding and manages to steal a playoff spot like Chris watching over a fantasy football pot.

 10)   Meme Dragon – A little Too Soon.  Thank the Havens that Noz wore a condom, because not only is he STD free, but he came a little too soon.  This roster is loaded with players that are bound to breakout next year.  By my count, Noz has EIGHT players with less than 3 years of experience – with the majority being rookies.  I like the talent on this team, if it were 2017. Per usual, Noz chased those who were a little too young. My Prediction: Meme Dragon misses the playoffs, but might dish out a key loss to a better team that is fighting for a spot.

I’m excited for the second half of the season boys. Thanks for the laughs and good times. Commish out.

[maddenleague]

Big Willy Style ALLLLLLL in it!

Well here we go, paging all grammar police officers to come at me.

Thank god for Microsoft Word and all the splendid spell check options that have been added throughout the years. Now you can use whatever word option you want and it will tell you if YOU ARE right or wrong. The best part of all is that if you use the wrong word it’s OK, The sun will rise tomorrow and Will will continue to struggle with grammar but it’s OK just R-E-L-A-X. Yikes some errors for sure in that right guys.

Speaking of RELAXing let’s get to the real reason you are reading this garbage.

Blood and Siemian (DON) vs. New York New Noz (Commish)

Bye weeks are coming in hot and heavy and the Commish had some of his heavy artillery on the bench, Mike Evans is a target monster and was missed dearly this week. Stacking Stafford and Jones has paid off so far and no one has ever doubted Derek’s ability to build a regular season powerhouse. Again the commish has fielded a solid team through the draft and his many timely free agent pickups. Could he ride the WAVEerwire all the way to the championship? Judging by his other championship which involved picking up Matt Asiata I would say it would be a surprise if he doesn’t make it to the Semifinals this year. David Johnson is a freak, gugu bucks next year for his services come draft day. Vincent Jackson on a Bye most likely helps Landon while making managerial decisions. Landon squeaked out an 8 point victory thanks to a sneaky good move of starting James White. Despite the best efforts of Derek’s QBs it wasn’t enough to dean safely say have passed their prime. Relying on Boldin and Gore may come back to bite him, but if I’m picking two old dudes that can beat father time it might be these two. Anything can happen if you make it into the playoffs but he needs to get there first.

Baba Ghanoush (Kwa) vs. Griffin & A Tearin’ (Simps)

A perfect example of why projections mean nothing, or do they mean everything? Kory was projected to win and he won by the slimmest of margins. The previous years basement dweller continues to roll tide through this Madden League season, thanks for stellar QB play throughout the year. Even the yearly Kennan Allen injury couldn’t stop this train.

Speaking of injuries, Alan was dealt a massive blow with AP going down but he has rebounded well. Both teams appear to have a roster full of gamers. They don’t look all that bad on Wednesday evening and then Crabtree will fuck ya with 3TDs or Tevin Coleman will come out of nowhere with 150 all-purpose yards and a TD to seal your fate late on a Sunday evening. Luckily, Al Michael’s voice will put you to bed and the sun will still rise in the morning. Both teams are off to great starts but I am still skeptical about how they will perform come playoff time. PLAYOFFS!

Joshuatreesun (Dan0) vs. Bleached Assholes (Chris / STDboy)

The champ is alive! Even the best QB in the world couldn’t stop Danny’s squad from taking home his first victory in week 6. It was a tough start to the year for Dan0 but Odell is engaged and things are looking up. Dez might be back shortly, JayJayAjiJay might finally be showing why someone was stupid enough to draft him. Stranger things have happened, don’t let Danny get the 6seed boys.Chris was able to keep the boat afloat while waiting on Brady to return and at this point no one knows who will be on his team next week. Good luck predicting his future team names, overall team’s performance, number of transactions performed and potential blockbuster trades he completes by season end. Getcha popcorn ready mates.

Mouth Hugs (Tyler) vs. Rim Job Cooter (ZMO)

Tyler continues to keep on keepin’ on. Another solid team perforamce buoyed by Shady to get him back to the 500mark. Now that Jamal Charles is healthy “sorta/split backfield” it might be that time of the year where Tyler’s roster takes off and starts to pile up the wins. Having only two QB’s is a bold strategy, will see if it pays off Cotton. Zach/Zak/Sak/Buffalohead/Jetsdeliveryboy has a team that I have a hard time finding anything positive to say about. His QBs are solid, for now? Both will be hurt in the next month and the rest of his team is garbage. Better luck next year, continue to tinker with your auction draft strategy.

BadBad Antonio Brown / Meme Dragon

Ohh no, Nozz is at it again. Could it be a repeat of last year, shitty start but somehow sneaking his way into the playoffs? Having two QB’s go down in the last few days isn’t fun for anyone. Picking up a guy on waiver wires minutes before he plays and having him score a touchdown is fun. Looking at you Michael Thomas. Zeke is probably better than advertised which you don’t say often about a Cowboy, ohh and Gronk is back too. Getting 50 points from two players is usually a good thing, losing with two players combining form 50 is a terrifying thing. My team is the exact opposite of Kory’s, looks good on paper and shits the bed come game time. At this point I have no idea who to start from week to week. How does the old saying going, play the matchups and start your studs? I’m hoping to get into the playoffs and pull some managerial magic once again.

This was fun and all but I should probably get back to work, luckily I am underemployed enough to write this while being PAID. So that makes me a writer, right? This is our year, well actually after the events that have taken place in 2016 I think it’s safe to say that any year but 2016 could be our year. Good luckto all, here’s to hoping that I don’t have to write another 1028 word document for another 3 years.

Cheers,

Bill from Accounting

[maddenleague]

You Play To William Clay

Its been an interesting week to say the least, and a lot has happened since the quarter report was published. Chris has flown across the country,(probably reading this whilst flying) had a White Russian at every Fridays in the F terminal in DFW, and got a wicked case of the wierds. The wierds, also known as the feeling you get where you ask yourself; what the hell is going on in my life for me to the point I am right now? This can happen to anyone at any time. Like the quarter report, the wierds can wake you up and turn your season around, or they can lead you into a self deprecating spiral of MGD 24ozers and Netflix movies. Different strokes for different folks I guess. Landon had a historic Saturday, really it was one to tell the grandchildren about, only to get his own case of the wierds Sunday morfternoon. Earlier this week, Will and the Commish incited a debate that inspired us all. The premise was simple: is there a correlation between an Owner caring about their team, and the teams success. Could an owner like WCF, who owned the Lions Organization longer than most millennials plan on being alive, really care for his or her franchise and never be successful. What does our success say about the type of owner we are, what is our outlook, and should we sell our franchise while the getting is good. 

Baba Ganush (Kory) 136 Meme Dragon(Jared) 117

Kory improves to 5-0. I’ll let that sink in. For those of you playing DFS, Kory used the ever so popular stack of Adam Vinatieri and Phillip (All I Do Is Throw Tudders) Rivers to dismantle Noz. Kory may be to big to fail. Meanwhile Noz falls to 1-4, being let down by his Wide Receiver core putting up just 7 combined points. Remember Noz, it is always darkest before dawn.

New York New Noz statue of liberty emoji (Derek) 150 BadBad Antonio Brown (Will) 89

Derek/WCF moves to 3-2 with the most impressive win of the week. Derek magic 8ball said let my RB’s free, and he let them run wild combing for 52 points. Derek’s team is like a caged Harambe. Some weeks its fun to laugh at, other weeks its killing it. Will (2-3) was let down this week by a cascade of mediocrity. There isn’t just one player or group that let him down. Derek should consider himself lucky that he caught will on the Saints bye week. Will’s team is scary.

Griffin & A Tearin (Alan) 127 josuatreesun (Danny) 99

Alan moves 4-1, putting away the former champ like a dirty dish. Special Teams paved the way for Alan this week combining for 28 total points. Smoke and Mirrors can only work for so long ... Danny (0-5) has a fantasy team this year, they just scored all their points last year. Danny, Jared made the playoffs last year, but he may have been the exception not the rule.

Beef Strokin Off (Chris) 109 Mouth Hugs (Tyler) 98

Chris moves to 3-2, in a matchup that was much closer than the score indicated. Chris might as well rename his team to Touchdown Tommy. Like the luckies man in the world, it appears Chris’s team can do no wrong. Chris will be making football great again until early November. Tyler moves to 2-3 with the loss. He’ll get bonus points for deciding to keep Duke Johnson Jr. over streaming another D. Tyler’s team is like a Law & Order Marathon, its never going away.

Rim Job Cooter (Zach) 106 Blood and Siemian (Landon) 101

Landon’s team falls to 2-3 with the loss. Making the loss all the more painful was that Vincent Jackson could have sealed the victory for him on monday night. Landon’s loss to a sworn enemy may create a hulk-Inidia situation. Stay tuned...

[maddenleague]

#TheQuarterReport

“A unit of something that equals one fourth of some larger unit.” -Dictionary.com, 1978

No one knows what’s going on. This year especially, I believe that people are having a hard time figuring out the world around them. Maybe not in the grand scheme of things (i.e. the world, the world economy, Hurricane Matthew, Zika, pumpkin season) but the small part of cyberspace in which Madden League operates. Kory is post-season Madison Bumgarner. People’s weekly grades are going from A to F and F to A. Defending champion, Danny, can’t buy a win here...probably not anywhere, like, not even a place with an incredible exchange rate. Cambodia, maybe. But even then he’d have to explain to the indigenous, through a series of hand gestures, what fantasy football is and why he needs a win so bad(ly). On top of that, could he really trust those he communicated with? The poor places in Asian countries, people are just trying to get by and they might sell poor Danny a knockoff win or the win might come with a condition. Sexual slavery. WHO KNOWS??? WE CAN ONLY SPECULATE AT THIS POINT! DANNY PLEASE GET A WIN!

Really the only person in our league who has any idea of where is and where he’ll end up is Jared. Sandbagging his way to the playoffs since 2013. (1-3) is an incredibly Jared place to be. In two weeks he could be .500 team and .500 teams make into the playoffs in this league. I know that it’s hard to believe someone could be this good at being bad but if anyone can make a thing of it, it’s Jared.

The Quarter Report’s power rankings are as follows. They are NOT subjective, not to be tampered with, and not only the result of on-field actions and off-field decisions, but also, empirical evidence and stats compiled by the Yahoo! Sports algorithm.

1. Baba Ghanoush (I think he was Amari Amirite? last week) - 126.25 points per week, (4-0), 505 total points, and most ACTs taken - and still to take - earns him the top spot. He matched up with the league commissioner in week four and dealt him a praiseworthy and a very brutal 130-70 loss. Give Kory a round of applause for doing to Derek in one week what 12 years in the public school system couldn’t...spanking him and checking for scoliosis simultaneously.

2. Griffin’ And A Tearin’ - team slogan: It’s dark and hell is hot. But do you know what dish is best served cold? Pizza. Not revenge. Not retribution. Alan is (3-1), has a scoring average of 127.75 ppg, 511 total points, and got an A+ on his matchup this week. Give him a huge round of applause for Yahoo! giving him what 12 years in the public school system couldn’t...an A+. The real MVP of week four is Matt Ryan, the plain face of the NFL, although, even without him Alan would’ve won by 16.

Spots 3 through 8 are occupied by (2-2) teams and managers who are incapable of self-actualizing and getting out of the middle class. We are constantly marginalized and taxed and beaten by ourselves, the top two teams, and our constantly disappointed fathers.

3. BadBad Antonio Brown - the league’s top scorer (512 points) which averages out to 128 ppg, which equates to a (2-2) record somehow, which is equivalent to one chimpanzee. Will is a borderline superhero. You should turn and run. Getting a ‘B’ in his last matchup against below average Zack/Zach was a great victory in keeping the shit from rising to the top and for that, we thank you.

4. New York New Noz (insert statue of liberty emoji) - most will say you got what you had comin’ to ya. Some will say that confidence and ambition are virtues. What I will say is that you have averaged 126.5 ppg after putting almost two hundred points in one week, you have 506 total points, and a received a failing grade against Kory. Now I’m going to say something harsh: your team will never be worse than it was last week, in fact, no team will ever be as bad as your team was last week.

5. Mouth Hugs - there is a time and place for everything and week four was Tyler’s opportunity to make something of himself and really backup all his trash talk this season. Now he has relegated himself to the middle of the pack and a life full ‘B’ grades, missionary position, and runs to Target for baby wipes. 125.25 ppg, 501 total points, and three transactions...I got bored just typing that. For only 59 cents a day you can save Tyler from the perils of the middle class world: passing on guac at Chipotle, buying Miller Lite, and face timing his girlfriend before getting on a plane.

6. Rim Job Cooter - if the playoffs started today, I’d quit the league, Zach/Zack.

7. Blood and Siemian - at least I have more points against than points for. That says something about my team’s grit and spirit. I’m like the 2016 American WCOH team. The two games I won were against opponents that were heavy favorites, in other words, they were two good people that by no fault of their own, weigh more than me, like considerably more than me. Thank “God” Julio got to steppin this week and got my total points up to 461. Yeah my team’s dog shit but I’m tied with six other teams...

8. Vaperaham Lincoln - 431 total points, 107.75 ppg, 36 transactions; these all sound like numbers that can be improved upon (the best backhanded compliment I could think of). Chris will eclipse 100 transactions for the fourth straight year but only this time it’ll cost him, probably more than the math says. He might’ve add/dropped his way into oblivion. Even with Tom Brady being back and Tony Romo projected to be back before the end of the year, he then has to live with the fact that Tom and Tony were both on his 2016 squad for the rest of his life.

The Bottom Two. (Disclaimer: THIS IS NOT A SEX POSITION)

9. Meme Dragon - Highest ceiling, lowest floor. The dude flat out gave Danny the business last week and is still the third lowest scoring team in the league. A+ effort for C- results. I hope Jared can turn it around this year, I would love to see him get second again. 114.75 ppg, 459 total points aaaaand 104.25 points against average (second lowest) can maybe be recipe for success but until the yeast rises, we’ll Jared’s hopes sink.

10. joshuatreesun - imagine you’re in a fight and the guy you’re fighting knows what he’s doing and is considerably bigger than you. He hits you in the stomach, you bring your arms to protect, he then starts wailing on your face, there’s no escape until your face hits the cold concrete. Danny is the lowest scoring team in the league and he has the most points scored against him...by a lot. There is no way out of this hell. For the time being the league’s punishment for getting last place is to take the ACT and for that, I think Danny is the most prepared. Unless we switch the punishment to an AP Econ exam.

I’d say temper your expectations for the weekly blog post. I would love to peak four times a year, and maybe I do, but it’s definitely at the wrong times.

[maddenleague]

Trash talk of the week. Brought to you by distant cousins. #MaddenLeague

[maddenleague]

“Are those my only two options?”

Billy Beane: “Would you rather get one shot in the head or five in the chest and bleed to death?”

One in the head = a team’s weekly matchup recap Five in the chest = three possible narratives of that team’s season

Okay, let’s do this.

Leading off: Spice208 One in the head -- week three point total in a loss (80). I tell you what, man, fantasy football is a fickle thing. A week after being the league’s highest scoring team, I find myself looking up at Chris’ hairy gooch while he enjoys a nice, slobbery hummer*...from himself. Side note: don’t trust the Seahawk’s offense. Five in the chest -- 1.) Aaron Rodgers could possibly be only slightly better than Derek Carr and ends up being the biggest waste of 50 somethin’ fantasy dollars. 2.)Vincent Jackson is still not Mike Evans. And will probably never be. 3.)The biggest mistake I ever made was letting go of the woman I love because I was too afraid of being the man she wanted me to be. Now I live a meek day-to-day existence slowing paying off bills until I die.

Mouth Hugs One in the head -- week three point total in a win (113). In a stat I just made up, 95% of the time your running backs combine for 47 points, you’ll get the win. And Tyler stayed well inside the bell curve this week. I love you. Five in the chest -- 1.) Tyler has a better-than-not chance of making the playoffs in his first year in the league. Proving once again that anything can happen if you believe in yourself and try hard. 2.) This week’s hard-earned win over Will gives him the confidence to ask out the girl who lives in 4E. She causes him to miss setting his lineup in week sixteen and loses to Alan in the championship. 3.) Jamaal Charles. Come back to us.

RimJob Cooter One in the head --You lost on the last play of the game (124). Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Five in the chest -- 1.) Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. 2.) I hope you find what you’re looking for in life. 3.)Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Find the double ‘H’.

New York New Noz (statue of liberty emoji) One in the head -- week three point total in a win (198). The feeling of invinnycibility that you’re feeling right now is exactly how I felt week three last year. Except my team scored way more points than yours. Anyway, enjoy the 103 points next week. Five in the chest -- 1.) ESPN Stats & Info has you projected with the most blowout wins this year (7) and also the most first round playoff losses with (12). 2.) Your ability to think critically sometimes rubs people the wrong way but it is what I love most about you. 3.) Stafford is better than advertised. Underrated as a leader. And will end his career with 1 playoff win.

Rayland Baxter One in the head -- week three point total in a loss (111). There wasn’t a lot Danny could’ve done to avoid a loss this week. He could’ve joined the league at different time to receive a different week one opponent and therefore changing Yahoo’s! matchup algorithm but that’s about it. Five in the chest -- 1.) Danny’s silent confidence slowly turns to an audible mistrust of his current government and he ends up voting for Trump. SOMEONE LET DANNY WIN NEXT WEEK SO TRUMP DOESN’T WIN THE MAJORITY VOTE IN TEXAS (by a single vote)(Every vote matters, get registered)! 2.) If Brock Osweiler can turn it around I think Danny could get into 7th place by the end of the year. 3.) Your loyalty and independence are virtues most of us don’t have. Keep it up.

Autofellatio* One in the head -- week three point total in a win (138). What’s that saying about defenses and championships? Defense wins championships? 35 goddamn points from the Chiefs. What a time to be alive. Keep it fun, keep it interesting, keep being you, Chris, because it’s the best. Five in the chest -- 1.) 35 goddamn points from the Chiefs. I can’t even rn. I’ve only had four days to digest this information. 2.) The stash of injured/suspended players on your bench is scary. But even kittens look threatening sometimes. 3.) Terrell Pryor Sr. - start him every week. Or don’t. Our managerial styles aren’t exactly the same and would probably end up doing more harm than good.

Amari Amirite? One in the head -- week three point total in a [close] win (126). You are the star atop the Christmas tree. Everyone can see you, reach up and touch you, and connect with those they normally wouldn’t. Also, your fantasy team is pretty good this year and and an early break went your way. Like Kevin Garnett...your ACT score will probably get better with age. Five in the chest -- 1.) It’s amazing that in an NFL game where over seventy points are scored, a player could accumulate zero fantasy points. Like Kevin Garnett... 2.) Managerial move of the year! Starting both ATL runningbacks! 3.) Don’t trust that Houston D anymore. Please please please drop them. JJ Watt is out. Purple Cushing is overrated and injury prone. Same with Jadeveon.

GIF BREAK

Meme Dragon One in the head -- week three point total in a loss (85). You’re still better than I am. Which is something worth holding onto. But holding your two, streaking rookie QB’s on the bench is not something I’d do again. What’s that saying about hindsight and it’s clarity? Hindsight is 20/20? Five in the chest -- 1.) Gronk. Gronk. Gronk. What do with Gronk? 2.) Most people have a hard time putting their plans into action and they end up having regrets. You don’t. Keep doing. Keep learning shit. 3.) It’s not the Quarter Report yet and I don’t feel like creating any hypotheses about your season might go because it sort of blew up in my face last year. So I’ll leave you with this, Carson Palmer had an MVP type of season last year and there was no way he was going to duplicate that.

Griffin And A Tearin’ One in the head -- week three point total in a win (108). This week’s least impressive win. There, I said it. However: Cam Newton said, “Kelvin Benjamin will not be held catch-less again after seeing just one fruitless target Week 3.” Good things ahead! Bad things behind! Okay things sitting right next to you on the train so you can just kind of rest your arm on them. Like a backpack. Five in the chest -- 1.) You’re Blink-182 in their prime. Tall, handsome, funny, capable of being the one thing a person needs to have a good time. 2.) Your C grade beat Jared’s F grade. At least you guys got to play defense together in high school hockey. Consolation prize? 3.) There is no GIF of T.Y. Hilton doing his touchdown dance. Dude can eat and will keep you middle of the pack until it’s time to make your inside move into the playoffs.

BadBad Antonio Brown One in the head -- week three point total in loss (106). Bring me back to where I belong and that’s in your arms, said the football to Antonio Brown. Is Joe Flacco elite? What’s your frustration level with CJ? Why is the sky blue? Why are boobs good? Keep leaning on the Broncos and they’ll never steer you wrong. Five in the chest -- 1.) Remember way back when I told you Broncos players are the light in the dark? The lightest dark Bronco is on your bench behind Brandin (with an “i”) Cooks. Never again. 2.) In a world full of the unknown, there you are guiding us toward true North. A grounded person who knows what he wants, who he wants to surround himself with, and doesn’t let go. 3.) My bosses are making me end this post on a fantasy football high note. So next week, start all the right players, score more points than your opponent, talk the best trash, and find out if your sister-in-law still thinks about me.

I’m out. Next week is Quarter Report.

[maddenleague]

Vonny and Hyde

"Zack ran away with this fantasy victory with the same stealth he did when running away from his pistol-wielding roommate"

“Zack proved this week that his roommate isn't the only dangerous threat, as his team moves to 2-0.”

“While police standoff with a deadly suspect in GR, Rim Job Cooter will have his own standoff against a deadly opponent in the league's #1 ranked team, Amari Amirite?”

“Police with Walker, Grand Rapids and the Kent County Sheriff's Department are at the scene with heavy equipment. Meanwhile, Zach/Zack has found his own heavy equipment in rookie WR Sterling Shepard who as manufactured double digit fantasy points in every game this season.”

“Zack's fantasy team is good...and his roommate threatened to kill a pregnant girl.”

ENOUGH ABOUT ZACK/ZACH!!! HE BEAT DANNY THIS WEEK WITH THE 3RD LOWEST SCORE!

First matchup recap done.

Spook Scoot-Boogie (Me) beat (Will) BadBad Antonio Brown. So suck it, Will. Since I don’t have time to transfer screenshots to my computer I’ll now type out the trash talk texts that I got from BadBad in the days leading up to our showdown:

“Mike Wallace in the starting lineup. Getting wiser with age I see. You gonna learn this weekend! Bringing the pain”

“CJ gonna eat [hamburger emoji]”

“Umm yes that’s a no for now. As soon as week 4 is over you might hear from me. Your in trouble this week bubs”

And now the texts after he realized he was gonna lose:

“Fucking Wallace”

“Fuck your squad”

Now it’s in context.

(Alan), our lord and savior - going by the name of Griffin’ and A Tearin’ - got another medal for blowing New York Ne... blowing out, New York New Noz (Derek). Could you imagine getting a medal for blowing someone? Like, a porn olympics. Wild. 6 teams now at (1-1). Even more wild. Wilder. I love the volatility of early-season fantasy football.

Chris (ATM) trimmed Jared’s (Gary Coleman’s) hedges 107-102, which is the fantasy football equivalent to a Washington Lynx vs. LA Sparks score. Those are WNBA teams, if anyone was wondering...or even reading these mindless ramblings of mine. Jared is perfecting his ‘laying in the weeds’ tactic where he loses a healthy dose of games early on and then goes on a roll, getting all the right breaks, and then gets into the playoffs. And Chris is playing chess...not checkers with us. Drop, add. drop, add, drop, add, have sex with waitresses, drop, add, drop, add.

Tyler is to Mouth Hugs as Kory is to Amari Amirite. Kory is to winning as Tyler is to being a .500 team. I googled “mouth hugs” and wasn’t disappointed. Kory is to first place based on record as Tyler is to 4th place based on record and points for. All I’m doing with this matchup recap is getting Kory ready to take his 3rd ACT. WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=amirite

[maddenleague]

Double down on Brown

What you missed on last year’s episode of Madden League:

Danny took the long route to the promised land, a route that cut right across Chris’ beating heart. In the immediate aftermath of a Don Julio championship, the league lost a beloved member and friend, Alec, to the pregnant bitch that goes by the name of Growing Up and Growing Apart from Your Friends. What we got in return is a kid that has never been to the Dillard’s in Cincinnati and can’t seem to hold an erection for more than twelve seconds. The draft in New York had it’s moments, actually it had all the moments. Second after second of delirious heat, minute after minute of booze-soaked Chinese food shits, hour after hour of reigniting friendly feuds.

[Fade in]

The main character in this (short) story finds himself staring listlessly at his fluorescent computer screen. Sort of like in the beginning scenes of The Matrix but not with the great acting. Call it instinct, call it a conditioned response, but he watches his fingers punch in a familiar website. It’s Xvide.....wait, no, this is a fantasy football blog, ummm, he looks up to find himself staring at Yahoo’s computer-generated weekly recap for Madden League matchups. Yes, that’s exactly what he sees. No sex ads containing Family Guy characters, definitely not those.

[Faded...out]

Worst news first then I’ll work my way down from there.

BadBad Antonio Brown (Will) went +48 on Fake Football (Chris) in what Yahoo! called a “trampling” and “making an early statement”. Luckily I’m not an algorithm or lines of code and this isn’t the Matrix. Or is it? We’ll tap in to 21st century philosophy {add footnote} next week. But I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah. Chris might be trying to lessen the harsh reality of early trades and an okay draft by going with the mega-ironic ‘Fake Football’ name but nothing could stop him from going (0-1) this week. Nothing.

Rim Job Cooter (Zack/Zach) went +31 over Griffin And A Tearin’ (Alan) in what could only be described by Yahoo! as “getting a win”. Two top 5 running backs? Doesn’t matter. This year’s best draft (as voted by Yahoo! algorithms)? Doesn’t matter. 30 points from DeAngelo? Didn’t hurt. Sorry Alan, this feels weird. Zack/Zach-bashing, I’ve discovered, is one of my favorite things to do on this Earth. Usually all he has to do is take a breath to deserve an insult but his fantasy performance saved him from that this week.

Mouth Hugs (Tyler) had a +28 point margin over Rayland Baxter (Danny) in what the Yahoo! algorithm hailed as a “knock off”. Let’s forget that Tyler went 3 weeks without changing his team name and dominating the waiver wire in the ESPN version of our league. Or that it was his first auction draft in a two quarterback league. Or that his self-proclaimed “world’s biggest micropenis” is actually quite impressive. What he did manage to do in his Madden League debut was to “knock off” the defending champ.

Amari Amirite? (Kory) unloaded a +11 point dump on Spook Scoot-Boogie (Me, Landon - twitter curator, blog writer, director of our instagram fam) in the most vanilla matchup of the week. The only descriptive word the Yahoo! algorithm could manage was “beats”. So let’s beat this bad, bad matchup into ground with shitty adjectives. Mis-managed, ugly, bland, humble, unremarkable, tepid, beige, Andy Dirks. Kory did his best to make me feel like I had chance all throughout the day Sunday, which was nice of him.

New York New Noz (insert: Statue of Liberty emoji) (Derek) went +Dime over Gary Coleman (Jared) and surprise, surprise the fucking Yahoo! algorithm went back to It’s favorite word “beats”. First, Jared is re-using team names from past seasons which is cool, I guess. Second, Dak Prescott impressed everyone all the way to 10 fantasy points. Third, Vincent Jackson ISN’T Mike Evans and I would have loved to have those fifteen points on my team. Fourth, how many times this can Derek nail his projected points on the nose?

[Fade out]

{Footnote} https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZgBcRhGPqs

[maddenleague]

Newton/Rivers ‘16

I’ve been typing incoherent sentences for the last ten minutes trying to get my emotions under control and my heart rate to slow. Week One has me all jazzed up. I can only imagine what RGIII is going through. Anyway thanks for stopping by today, that’s about all I can manage.

Here are the 5 matchups and things to look out for in Week One:

Doc McStuffins (Landon) vs Amari Amirite? (Kory) - Was all the hype around Vincent Jackson this year worth spending 1/10th your annual budget? Will Cam’s sodomized psyche let down a manager looking for redemption?

New York New Noz (Derek) vs Gary Coleman (Jared) - Dak Prescott gets rolled into the same starting lineup as Corey Coleman....don’t ask me who those people are. And I love Derek’s team! It’s the least dog shit team I’ve seen in awhile.

Griffin & A Tearin’ (Alan) vs Rim Job Cooter (Zack/Zach?) - Some things are meant to go together; peanut butter and jelly, french fries and oreos, Alan and auction drafts - Can Kelvin Benjamin find his leg? Zach is starting 3 Seahawks. Good luck.

Rayland Baxter (Danny) vs Mouth Hugs (Tyler Capen) - Danny has the most players projected to score double digits. Championship stuff to go along with a name I still don’t understand. And what’s there to say about Tyler’s team? Well...

BadBad Antonio Brown (Will) vs Fantasy Football (Chris) - I’m not sure why you’d make a blockbuster trade with your week one opponent but then again, no one asked me. Chris could be hibernating until week five and Will could be having face orgasms for the next sixteen weeks.

WE’RE BACK! Don’t forget to stretch.

[maddenleague]

And only 4 remain... #MaddenLeague #Playoffs