madleinemalade - Tumblr blog

[madleinemalade]

I know that sometimes when you start to feel as though you are getting better, you panic. It’s only natural to fear the unknown. But I’m here to tell you that you need to keep going. Recovery means pushing through the fear and the discomfort you will feel as you slip out of your old coping methods and thought processes and develop new ones. Change is uncomfortable. But it won’t be uncomfortable forever. And I tell you choosing to fight through it will be the best decision you ever made.

- Rebecca (@aspirebelieverecover)

[madleinemalade]

[madleinemalade]

https://www.instagram.com/p/B_GXh7LAbI2/

[madleinemalade]

I wanna eat a salad again and think "yes, this is healthy, but even more importantly, that's delicious!"

instead of worrying about the oil in the saladsauce.

[madleinemalade]

[madleinemalade]

took me over a decade of eating disordered habits to realize feeling bad about yourself and wanting to make unhealthy habits because of someone else's success isnt motivating, it's triggering.

the thought process of "that person looks like that so i better do something drastic to also look like that" isn't inspiration. that person isn't inspiring you. they're triggering you.

I've spent so long thinking that feeling of wanting to change myself because I saw a red carpet event, a fashion show, a beautiful model on my timeline, was motivation and inspiration. I'm still unsure of what motivation really is, but I know it's not that.

[madleinemalade]

[madleinemalade]

[madleinemalade]

I need help

During the day I can convince myself "It's fine, it's not that bad. We can fix this ourselves." But every evening, my head hanging over the toilet again, I realize, this has gotten too big, too much for me, I cannot do this on my own.

I need help. I need guidance. I need ssupport and compassion.

But I don't know how to ask for it.

And I don't know, who I would want to help me

[madleinemalade]

”Hating our bodies is something that we learn, and it sure as hell is something that we can unlearn.”

- Megan Jayne Crabbe

[madleinemalade]

I try to be stricter with myself.

Not strict with food, but with my ed thoughts. Fighting against them from the start, before they get so loud I can't ignore them?

Ican't eat before a certain time of the day? Watch me! I'm not allowed to eat breakfast?I'm having two breakfasts!

This is hard. But giving in to the ed just for one day makes it harder to come back from it the next day.

[madleinemalade]

I relapsed.

I didn't want to admit it to myself. Told myself "this is just a bump in the road.", but it's not.

I am doing therapy and some things are getting better, but my ed is getting worse. It's hard to celebrate my social phobia improoving while my eating habits worsen every day.

I'm afraid that, now, when I have to start fighting the ed again, the other thibgs will get worse again. It feels so endless, so pointless.

I feel like, I am redoing the work I had already done. My ed had been better. My recovery wasn't done, but I was ok. I could eat. I could think about other things.

Now all I think about is food and my weight. I am back at hating myself for everything I eat.

[madleinemalade]

[madleinemalade]

[madleinemalade]

[madleinemalade]

Trigger Warning

I messed up. I binged, then purged, then binged again.

I feel like I failed both ways. I failed my recovery and my ed at once. How is this even a thing?!

But today looking in the mirror, I feel beautiful. Even though I'm a little bloated even though the number on the scale is higher, I can accept myself as beautiful.

And thats something I never did before recovery.

It's still a long way to go, till I won't purge no more or check myself in the mirror. Nevertheless I feel hopefull, I will get there.

[madleinemalade]

thanks for coming to my ted talk