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frustration:

A delicate balance, a careful stride

Walking on eggshells, side by side

I give my all, expect so little back

Yet still, I'm left holding the flack

I'm a puzzle piece that doesn't quite fit

A whispered secret, a silent hit

I try to meet your unspoken test

But fail, again and again, I'm not the best

My heart beats fast, with anxious care

Expecting nothing, yet hoping still

But the silence screams, the emptiness echoes

A hollow space, where hope once seeped

Perhaps it's not about the pain we share

But the weight of expectation, the weight we bear

I yearn for understanding, a gentle hand

But instead, I'm left with an unbridgeable land.

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In the space between, I search for a line

A fragile balance, a heart of mine

I give and I give, with little in sight

Yet still, I'm left with the weight of the night

I'm a ghost in the shadows, a whispered sigh

A heartbeat that echoes, a lonely cry

I try to find my place, my role, my part

But the silence is deafening, a heavy heart

I yearn for connection, a gentle touch

A sense of belonging, a love that's not too much

But the distance between us, it seems so wide

A chasm that's growing, a heart in divide

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24/06/24

"I seem to myself, as in a dream, An accidental guest in this dreadful body."

- Anna Akhmatova; The Complete Poems of Anna Akhmatova

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to be seen without performing. to be heard without screaming. to be missed without disappearing. to be enough without proving it. to be held without falling apart. to be understood without explaining. to be wanted without conditions. to be. to be.

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Frederick Judd Waugh - "Early Moonrise" (1910)

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i answer honestly i say

im okay.

i haven’t tried to swallow a bottle of aspirin in almost a year.

i’ve been tumbling in the ocean for a thousand years and

came out like round like those stones.

sometimes i picture gluing my pieces back together.

i find poetry in the gaps where the sharp edges came away smooth.

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Hope Is Stupid

Hope is stupid.

It shows up uninvited at 3 a.m.,

carrying dreams you swore you buried.

It settles in the warmth of voices

that were never meant to stay.

It paints futures on fogged-up glass,

knowing they'll vanish by morning.

And even after a hundred heartbreaks,

you still water the maybe

like it's something that could still grow.

Like it's worth it to believe again.

Even when you know better

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I sank down into the bathtub and I heard my own voice for the first time. It crackled with the weight of histories coiled like treasure, like barbed wire. Recalling an old tidal hum, I thought of you finding me here. Sinking and beautiful, softly forgotten island I had never glistened for anything but the sun.

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I didn’t just fall in love with you. I fell into pieces because of you.

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Heartbeats of Silence

When we meet, just hold me tight,

No need for words, no need for light.

Let your ear rest on my chest

And hear the silence i have suppressed

Each heartbeat a story- soft and true--

Of how i ached alone for you...

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Unfortunately, when love found me, it felt like my heart was breaking slowly but not fully and each crack was an uphold of our memories. It felt like venom was growing inside my chest, subsequently turning my mouth and words bitter. It felt like every word I wrote for you broke out into a fire, burning away everything I ever cared about. It felt like the light of my soul got wiped out and replaced by everything you ever said to me.

When love found me, it was a death by a thousand cuts.

-My favourite loser will always be me in love.

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More Than Two Strangers

We were meant to be more than two strangers with memories.

Not just a fleeting chapter

in each other's stories,

not just a name that softens with time.

You arrived like a question I never stopped answering

soft hands, tired hearts,

and a timing that never learned

how to be kind.

I still carry you in silent ways

in songs I don't skip,

in dreams that arrive uninvited,

in words I write

but never send.

You're the goodbye I never believed,

the maybe I still hold with both hands,

even when I say I've let go.

We were meant to be more than two strangers with memories.

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They asked me what’s worse:

Loving someone you can’t have… or having someone you can’t love?

I paused. Thought. Felt.

And then I said—

“Leaving someone you can never unlove.”

Because sometimes, the hardest thing isn’t losing love or never finding it—It’s walking away from someone who still lives in your heart, even when life says you can’t stay.

Some love never fades. It just finds a quieter place to exist.