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Episode 6 - The Vermilion Minotaur

[static] Mysterious Man: The following podcast is not real. But it is really sponsored by Field Notes Brand. USA-made memo books and other products, including seasonal limited editions. Visit fieldnotesbrand.com, or 400 North May. [static] [theme music] Arnie: Hello From the Magic Tavern! [trill] Arnie: A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp, I'm from Chicago. If you haven't listened to the podcast before, here's a real quick explanation of what's happened. A few weeks ago, about a month ago, I fell through a dimensional rift behind a Burger King, into this magical land called Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight wifi signal from the Burger King, I guess through the dimensional rift. And so I'm hosting a weekly podcast from a tavern in Foon. The tavern is called the vermilion Minotaur, and I'm actually very excited this week that I've been able to talk the tavern owner into being a guest on the podcast. And we'll get to you in a second, but first I want to, uh, introduce my...mostly weekly co-host, Chunt, the talking badger.

Chunt: And your roommate. Hey, how's it going, Arnie? Arnie: And my roommate, exactly. You've been very kind to let me stay with you. Chunt: No worries, yeah, no worries. Arnie: I've been there for almo-, over a month. Chunt: Yeah. It's flown by. Arnie: And uh, Usidore the wizard is here... Chunt: Do you have sarcasm in...your world? Arnie: [laughs] Yes, yes. Chunt: Oh, 'cause I said, "It's flown by" but I...was [trailing off] being sarcastic. Arnie: You were being sarcastic. Chunt: Yeah. Arnie: Okay. I'm sorry. Chunt: No, I was- Arnie: Do you want me to not...have I been staying there too long? Chunt: I'd rather you- I'd rather know that you're with me and safe, then out somewhere else wandering around, but... Arnie: I w-, 'Cause I have like, nothing. I have no money- Otok: We have plenty of open rooms. Arnie: You have plenty of open rooms here? Otok: We do! Arnie: Well, why don't we go ahead and introduce our guest. Otok: Oh, sorry. Arnie: Our guest, uh, why don't you introduce yourself? Otok: Uh...[sighs as Usidore's voice gets increasingly louder in the background] Arnie: Oh, I'm sorry... Usidore: [eventually shouting]...and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. The elves know me as Fi’ang Yalok! The dwarves know me as Zoenen Hoogastangs. Arnie: [somewhat sadly] Hoobastank. Usidore: And I am known in the Northeast as Gaismunēnas Meistar. You...[fades out again] Arnie: U- Otok: Uh- Arnie: Usidore is here, he's just wandering ar- I think he's drunk. I think he's wandering around trying- Chunt: Mm-hmm. Arnie: -to get people on his quest. Otok: Fi'ang Yalok is here nearly every night of the week. Arnie: Oh, so you refer to h- you know him as Fi'ang Yalok? Otok: Oh, I'm sorry yeah, well, I'm half. Half, half-elf. Arnie: Oh, you're half-elf? Otok: Right. Arnie: Wow, okay, all right, I'm sorry- Otok: So it's just habit. Arnie: Please introduce yourself. Otok: Um, I'm sorry. Otok Barleyfoot, owner and operator of the Vermilion Minotaur. Chunt: Mm-hmm. Otok: It's a family-run business. Arnie: I'm so excited to have you on. 'Cause I've been hosting this podcast every week since I've gotten here. I love the vermilion Minotaur, it's a cool- Otok: Thank you. Arnie: -tavern, and lots of adventurers and different people come through here. Otok: I hope you've tried our spiced potatoes! Arnie: I hav- I haven't. I haven't tried the spiced potatoes. Otok: [sighs] Okay. Arnie: I'm not a big...I'm not a big starch guy? Otok: All right. Chunt: If I were to look at you, I'd say you're a big starch guy. [laughs] Arnie: [laughs] Chunt, are you okay? I feel like maybe I'm upsetting you. Chunt: I'm a little high st-, I'm a little high-strung, okay? I'm a little high-strung. I just came from a session. I had a- Arnie: You- Chunt: Do you- Are you familiar with fetishes? Do you know what fetishes are? Arnie: Yes. Chunt: I make a little- whenever I change into a new animal, I'm currently a badger, I've been a badger for a little while. Uh...there's a group of people who will pay me to pose... Arnie: Uh-huh. Chunt: For a fetish, and I- they have me, I"ll like grubs or something, and they'll watch me eat grubs, or- Arnie: Uh-huh. Chunt: I'll wear just like, a wet t-shirt that says like, uh, "Kiss the Chunt" or something like that. Arnie: Oh... Otok: It's the underbelly of... Chunt: Yeah. Otok: Hogsface. Arnie: Yeah, there's a- Chunt: "Got Chunt", so I mean it's just- Arnie: Got Chu- oh, yeah. Chunt: There's a certain select group who are into watching me in whatever state I'm in do...certain deeds. Arnie: Yeah, I guess that explains why that explains why that one day, you came home with a wet t-shirt that said, "Chunt Hardly Wait"... Chunt: [laughs] Arnie: [laughs] Chunt: Yeah, I don't know why I wrote that, I don't know what was coming into my mind, but, "Chunt Hardly Wait". Arnie: But I'm sorry, I'd like to get back to our guest. So, I love the vermilion Minotaur- Otok: Thank you. Arnie: So tell me a little bit about the establishment. Otok: Well, as you can see, it's um, it's carved out of the base of a barleywood tree. Arnie: Ooo. Otok: Right at the edge of McShingleshane forest. Arnie: [laughing] Uh-huh. Otok: It was carved out- Arnie: I was wondering what the name of that forest was. Otok: Oh, McShingleshane. Arnie: Yeah. Otok: And so, my family took it over right from the beginning- Arnie: Uh-huh. Otok: -Called it the Vermilion Minotaur because of the old vermilion minotaur legend. Arnie: Wh- what is the Legend of the Vermilion Minotaur? Chunt: Ooo, let me...I'm gonna' blow out some candles here. Arnie: Ooo, wow, it's spooky! Chunt: Set the mood, I'm gonna' set the mood. Otok: Thank you. Thank you, Chunt. Chunt used to work here, so we have a pretty good- Arnie: I did not know that! Otok: -relationship. Chunt: Yep. Otok: Yeah. Chunt: Every once in a while I'll bounce here. Depending on the size of the animal, I'll be a bouncer. Arnie: Wow. Chunt: But if I'm [chuckles] if I'm a caterpillar or something, I'll probably just...[laughs] stay inside. Arnie: [laughs] Otok: Back in the kitchen. Chunt: Yeah. Arnie: Is it safe for a caterpillar in the kitchen? Chunt: I usually just wrap a cocoon around myself. Otok: Yeah. Arnie: So, the Vermilion Minot- the, uh- Otok: The Vermilion Minot-, ah yes, the Legend of the Vermilion Minotaur, um, is of course the old story when the, um, the...countess' baby, um, was trapped in the forest. And eight vermilion minotaurs invited the baby into their labyrinth. Arnie: Uh-huh. Otok: And then, the heavens rained down, and then...the horses came... Arnie and Chunt: [laughing quietly] Arnie: This is a very- I'm having a- Otok: I'm not a good- You know- Arnie: It's hard to parse this, this legend! Chunt: It's, well there's, it's told a few ways- Arnie: It sounds like it's like a fever dream! Chunt: I think it's open- Otok: Uh, it might be me. My wife was the storyteller. Um- Arnie: Are you okay? Otok: Yeah, um. I'm sorry. I just...it's a story I used to tell my daughter. Arnie: I don't think I've met your daughter. Or your wife. Otok: Well, my wife...my wife passed some years ago. Arnie: Oh, I'm sor- I'm very sorry. Otok: She was crushed by a barleywood tree. Arnie: Oh... Otok: And my daughter, um, she ran away. She wanted to be a warrior. Arnie: Uh-huh? Otok: And she joined the um, the Falsetto Marauders. Arnie: The Falsetto Marauders? Otok: And I haven't seen her in...two Blunders. Arnie: I'm so sorry to hear about...the tragedies in your family. Otok: Right. Arnie: I don't know if you want to talk about it, or we could change the subject...we could talk about the- Otok: No, it's fine. I uh- and in fact...quite frankly I'm looking for, I'm looking for some adventurers to um- Arnie: Mm-hmm? Otok: -to aid me in getting my daughter back. Arnie: [astonished] Really? So you have your own quest that you wanna' go on? Otok: Yeah. Fi’ang Yalok, I've spoken to him about it, um, he seems distracted- Arnie: Yeah. Otok: -with something else. Um, but you know, ideally I'd get some help. Arnie: Yeah, I mean- Otok: Getting her back. Arnie: I have to stay here, because this is pretty important communication- Otok: Right. Arnie: Explain this world to our world. Otok: Well, y- Chunt: And I was like, Arnie's got a similar situation where, kinda similar, where he's left his wife and daughter behind? Arnie: [laughs] I'm not- Chunt: And he's done nothing to search for them. Otok: Ooooh. Arnie: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Otok: You chose to leave them behind? Arnie: No, that is absolutely not true. I, I have a w- a wife and a newborn, uh, child at home, and I am heartbroken that I am not with them, and I worry, and think about it every day. Uh, I did not intentionally come here, I'm really just trying to make the best out of it, and trying to do important work with this podcast, but I, like you, am very heartbroken. Otok: You seem pretty jovial. Arnie: No I- [laughs] Otok: And- [laughs] Could we get-? Chunt: Could we get some spicy potatoes over here? Otok: Yes, please, the spiced...[clears throat] Arnie: So- okay, so you're trying to get adventurers together. Otok: Right. Arnie: Your daughter went off to, with the Falsetto Marauders? Is that what you said? Otok: Yes. That is correct. They're a mercenary group of warriors. They're always looking for young, young trainees. Arnie: And do they sing? Chunt: No, it's- you know when they're near, because you hear like a [breathy, high pitched whine]. Like a "Whaa" Otok: Warrior call. Chunt: Yeah. Usidore: [off-mic far in background, unintelligible] Arnie: And so, is she in any partic- Like, I mean, first of all you should go after her, but...it seems like she chose to go off... Otok: The Falsetto Marauders are the worst kind of people on the face of Foon! I mean, they're disgusting animals! Arnie: What, what horrible things have they done? Otok: They killed off all of the, the sheep... [long pause] Arnie and Otok: [laughing] Chunt: [scoffs] All- I mean we don't have sh-, we used to have sheep, we don't have any more. I know when my cousin was a baby, they walked by and just like, smacked him. Arnie: I gotta' say- Chunt: Across the face. Like, a baby. Arnie: Look, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that those things aren't [laughing] I'm not saying that those- Chunt: Are you laughing at my cousin getting smacked? Arnie: [still laughing] I'm so sorry... Otok: And that's not the only- Chunt: In the f- Otok: -baby they've smacked, either. Arnie: Sure. Look, I'm not saying- Otok: When they, when you hear that sound coming into town- Usidore: [off-mic, much louder] -SUPPOSE YOU CAN [unintelligible] WEST WITH SPINTAX THE GREEN, THEN! [unintelligible, angry] USIDORE SHALL NOT STAND FOR IT! [more unintelligible, angry shouting, growing quieter as if leaving] Chunt: Wizard fight! [laughs] Arnie: Oh... Otok: Ooo. [yelling] Not in here, boys! Arnie: Look, I'm not saying that- I just that like, killing sheep and smacking babies, on the scale- Otok: Every last sheep. Arnie: On the scale of the kind of awful things you could do in this land, the stuff I've kinda' heard about, this seems, pretty small scale stuff. Otok: Would you want your daughter, your abandoned daughter, to join a- Arnie: Not ab- Abandoned is an exaggeration. Otok: -a group of angry, baby-slapping, sheep-killing marauders? Arnie: No, of course. I'm just saying like, if this is what she wants to be doing with her life...? Otok: Activia had a beautiful voice. Arnie: Activia? Otok: My daughter. Arnie: Her name was Activia? Chunt: Mm-hmm. Otok: That's correct. Chunt: We used to, uh, any time we'd see her around town we'd kind-of sing it? [singing to the tune of the Activia yogurt jingle] Ac-ti-via... Arnie: Okay, well you know what? Let's take a quick break. Usidore: [off-mic, much closer than before] Augh! I'm caught in my robe! I'm caught in my robe! Otok: [sighs] Arnie: Um, we gotta' help Usidore. Otok: We can't have this. Arnie: We're gonna' take a quick break, refresh our drinks, and help Usidore, and we'll be right back with more tales from the Vermilion Minotaur. [Ad Music] Usidore: [off-mic] I think this will be a wonderful opportunity for you. [clears throat] To get out of Hogsface and learn a little bit more about the world around you! Well it turns out that there is evil in this world- Unknown voice: [yelling angrily] Shut up! Usidore: Take up arms against it for it is each ourouururrrururrrururrruh our duty to decide when it is time, for we can no longer stand for the evil- Unknown voice: [still yelling] This is horsh- Shut up! Usidore: To invade our lives. Unknown voice: [anguished groan] Usidore: This is your- this is your last chance! I won't ask YOU AGAIN! THIS IS, I WON'T ASK FOR YOU TO COME ALONG WITH ME ON MY WONDERFUL JOURNEY! SO MUCH GOLD AND HONOR AND PRESTIGE TO BE WON! [Ad music ends] Arnie: Welcome back! All right, so we, I guess we've helped Usidore, at least as much as we possibly can. I wanna' talk a little bit more about the, the tavern itself. Otok: Well, it's a place to, to meet friends. Arnie: Mm-hmm. Otok: To have good conversation. Arnie: Yeah? Otok: We've got some, sort of out of, out of bar activities we do? Arnie: Uh-huh. Otok: We've got a mittens team. And in fact, we're down a guy...if...all right, well we'll talk later. Arnie: Ah, I don't- I'm not very athletic myself. I know Usidore has been really wanting to get into playing mittens. Otok: ...Yeah. [sighs] Yeah, he's mentioned that. Arnie: ...Not- Okay, that's fine. Otok: Yeah, we don't- Arnie: I, I get it. You don't even- Otok: We've got a w-wizard. Chunt: [chuckles] Arnie: [laughs] That's not a big- Otok: [mutters] So we don't really need another one... Arnie: That's not a big deal. What's it like running a tavern in a magical land? Is it dangerous? I mean, I know we're on, what is it? This big, through-fare road, you probably get a lot of strange creatures and adventurers coming in all the time. Otok: Right, well, they always come in here. I mean, where do you think they get their rumors and their gossip? They come here, to the Vermilion Minotaur. Our barkeeps are more than happy to supply it. Arnie: Yeah. Otok: But it can be dangerous, I mean, I mean I already told you how my daughter is gone- Arnie: Yeah. Otok: And my wife was crushed, so- Arnie: I know, I know, we talked- [laughs] Otok: It's weird that you're leading me to more- Chunt: [singing] Ac-ti-via! Arnie: That's really bringing the podca- let's not talk so much about that anymore. So, the bartenders being kind-of rumor mongers, are they trained to do that? Usidore: [muttering incoherently far in the background] Otok: Well, it just comes naturally. I mean, people come for, they're looking for work, they're looking for adventure, and they ask the barkeep. Arnie: Are you, do you collect rumors yourself? Like are there any juicy rumors floating around lately? Otok: [tisks] I mean, I've got a couple. I mean, I don't know if I wanna' spread it. You know, I'll give you one. Arnie: Great! Otok: I'll give you one. Um, so the, the Raven's Crew? Um, you know- Arnie: I don't know what that is. Otok: Oh, well they're, um, they kind-of kidnap children? Arnie: Uh-huh. Otok: Yeah. The Raven's Crew? Chunt: They don't smack 'em though. They kidnap 'em. Arnie: They just- Usidore: [far in the background]...all of Foon will... Otok: No, they don't smack 'em. Chunt: They don't smack 'em or slap 'em- Usidore: [in background, suddenly louder] darkness! [Continues, unintelligible] Otok: Right, they're just a kidnapping of children g- it's a religious cult. Arnie: Oh, I see. Otok: The Raven's Crew, they're very um, and so they kidnap children, they bring them to their palace, and um, brainwash them. Usidore: [continuing to recruit in the background, mostly unintelligible] Arnie: Yeah. Otok: Anyway, there's a rumor that one of them is working um, at the, uh, cobbler. Arnie: Really? Otok: Yeah. I don't know if it's a former Raven's Crew member or a current, but- Usidore: [Getting steadily louder] he shall sit upon a chair, a trophy of his...a lost man... Otok: -it's just one little rumor I heard. Chunt: Yeah, I heard that one. Arnie: [laughs] You heard that one as well? No one tells me- Chunt: I heard, I heard he's also uh, I heard he's gay. [pause, Usidore still talking in the background] Chunt: [laughs] Arnie: That's...fine. Otok: Yeah. Chunt: No, it's fine, I've had sex with, with male animals, it's just...it's something to talk about. Arnie: Sure, of course. Otok: Usually you have to buy a second ale to get that extra rumor. Arnie: Ah, I see! So it's kind-of an unsp- Chunt: I'm sorry, I blew his wad- Otok: It's all right! No, Chunt, it's, don't worry about it. Arnie: It's like an unspoken menu item. Otok: Right. You know, it's like, "Ah, I'll have another ale from the barkeep" well- Chunt: Let me be clear, Chunt doesn't care about homosexuality, it's just...it's just fun to talk about. Arnie: It's just fun to talk about. Chunt: Everyone loves to talk about sexuality, right? Arnie: Sure, of course! Yeah! Chunt: Do you ha-, I mean, in your world do you talk about who's gay and who's not? Arnie: Yeah, I suppose we do, to some extent. Chunt: Yeah, but it's not in like a nasty way, it's just like, "Oh, that's fun." Arnie: I mean, unfortunately some people do talk about it in a nasty way. But then, also, people, I guess people do just generally gossip. I mean, especially if you're not sure, or surprised... Chunt: Yeah. Arnie: Or w-, like uh, it switches? Chunt: Chunt accepts all. Otok: Foon is a pretty accepting place. Arnie: It seems like it. It does! It really does. And there's so many, and there's so many things to kind of be accepting of, like, you know, people who have sex with animals and then turn into those animals! Otok: Right. Chunt: Right, thank you. Can I ask you something real quick? Usidore: [laughing uproariously, much closer] Yes! My friend Chunt is a shapeshifter! Say- Chunt! Wave! Chunt: Hello! Usidore: Hello! That's Chunt! Arnie: Usidore, if you're going to try to engage us, I wish you would be on the podcast. Usidore: I'm sorry? Arnie: If you're going to try to engage us, I wish you would be on the podcast. Usidore: I'm trying- Arnie: Do you reali- you know every week, you've been on this podcast! Usidore: I know, but I'm, I'm...I'm working hard this week, Arnold. I'm going to recruit some adventurers to defeat the Dark Lord! Arnie: Okay. Usidore: I'm re-committed! [laughs] Unknown voice: [annoyed] I'm trying to study! Arnie: All right. Otok: Ah, yeah. Chunt: I feel like two more drinks and he'll be in the wizard state, so... Arnie: Oh god, I hate the wizard state, so much. Chunt: It can be a blessing. Arnie: Yeah. Do you have any, like, what's like, so what are the perks of being a tavern owner? Otok: Well, like I said, everybody kinda' comes to me. Arnie: Yeah. Otok: You know and I've known people since they were young, y'know. Arnie: Sure! Otok: We've been here. I've billed their fathers, and their father's fathers. We also do a good deal of charity work. Arnie: Really? Otok: And if you could- Arnie: That's fantastic Otok: -if you're going to be around, it'd be great if you would, y'know, chip in. Arnie: Uhh, yeah, if I have time. What, like w- w- Chunt: If you have time? To give money? [laughs] Arnie: I- first of all I don't have any money. Otok: Are you working? Chunt: He didn't ask for a time commitment, he asked for mon- for a donation. Arnie: Oh, I thought he was suggesting that I do some charity work. Chunt: Oh, I thought you were suggesting a donation. Otok: Well, I was suggesting a donation, but we also have our Vermilion Minotaur March coming up. And if you march around the outskirts of the town with us, that would also- Arnie: And what does, what are we raising money for? Otok: Um, for an extension for the Vermilion Minotaur… Arnie: [incredulous laughter] That does not- wait, for- hold on, that's not charity. That's not charity! Otok: We- uh, did you know that we house eight unwed mothers? Arnie: I did not know that. Otok: Well now you do. Arnie: So, becau- [laughs] is this because of like your wife and that, y'know, your child, that- Otok: I thought you didn't want to talk about that. Arnie: I really, I guess I don't but it just seems so...Chunt, right, doesn't it seem...that seems like probably why? Chunt: Do you think he slept with those women? Arnie: No! [laughing] I'm not! Chunt: You think he's the father of those- Arnie: I'm- Otok: How dare you? Arnie: I'm not accusing you of anything! Otok: And even if I did, I'm a- I'm a widower! My wife died- Arnie: That's true! You were, I mean- Otok: She would want- Arnie: You can have sex with as many people as you want! Otok: Okay. I haven't though. Chunt: Can I ask you something? Can I ask you something direct? Because you seem...real...in a not real hurry to get home. Are you gay? Do you have a wife and kids, or are you gay? Arnie: I'm not gay! I have, I- I love my wife and my child, and I really do want to get home to them, I'm just, y'know, while I'm here I'm trying to make the most of it. Otok: You should know that there are a couple rumors about you. Arnie: There are rumors about me? Otok: Mm-hm. Chunt: I spread most of them. Otok: Yeah. Arnie: Oh, Chunt. Well, what are the rumors? Otok: Well, there's one that you're gay. [Arnie laughs] Chunt: Which you can't be upset with, right? Arnie: I'm not upset! Chunt: Because you said- Arnie: No I'm not! Here's the thing, I'm not having sex with anybody here. I, I guess I can understand why people, y;know, I haven't immediately sidled up to a wench here, so I guess I'm...that means I'm gay, but I'm not! Otok: We don't call them wenches. Arnie: I'm too faithful! I'm sorry, what do you call them? Otok: [pause] Barmaids. Arnie: Barmaids? [laughs] Fair, fair, fair enough. All right, what's another rumor about me? Otok: I don't know if you're gonna want to hear it. Arnie: Is it really that bad? Chunt: I told people that you poop standing up. [chuckles] Arnie: Yeah, one time! Otok: And in Foon that's the sign of a...that's the Dark sign. I mean, one of the Dark signs. Arnie: That, that means I'm evil? Chunt: Mm-hmm. Otok: Mm-hmm. Arnie: I didn't know- Look, first of all, the plumbing here is weird. There's no really good- I mean, in my world, going to the bathroom is very like, much more of a convenient situation. And so I was just trying to figure out the least grotesque way to kind of like poop in the arrangement here, and I was standing up, trying something out, Chunt walked in on me, it was embarrassing. It was really embarrassing. Otok: Do you use something- Usidore: [in the background] I know I've asked you before Otok: -besides a poop pot and a thistle brush? Where you come from? Usidore: [in the background] Make your children proud, pick up a sword! Yea, unwed mothers, come with me on this quest to defeat the Dark Lord! Arnie: Oh no. Otok: Oh no, stay away from them. [to Usidore] Fi’ang Yalok! Usidore: [in the background] Please, I beg of you! Stop- Don't go to your day jobs! Arnie: Don't- What kind of adventure is he going to have with a bunch of unwed mothers? Otok: You're sick. Chunt: You're bringing this down. Arnie: I really- I was so excited to have- I feel like this has really taken a horrible turn. Y'know, I love the Vermilion Minotaur, I'm so excited to have you on as a guest, I'm sorry if I've offended you. And Chunt, I've clearly upset you as well. Chunt: No, I told you, I had a long day of being fetishized, so it's just- Arnie: Okay- Chunt: -it's that. Arnie: Well, what are some things coming up with the Vermilion Minotaur? People listening to this, in my world, if they can somehow come though that dimensional rift, if they find themselves in Foon- Otok: Sure- Arnie: -like things they could expect if they come to the Vermilion Minotaur. Otok: Well, um, we have Open Mike Night. Arnie: Wha, really? Otok: Once a week, absolutely. Arnie: That's so strange, because before I came here, you guys didn't even know what microphones were. [pause] Otok: Microphone? Chunt: What are- Microphone? Arnie: What is, what is Open Mic Night? Chunt: We have a guy named Mike, and he'll split himself open. Arnie: [laughing] Oh god! Chunt: He's an inside-outer. Otok: Yeah. Chunt: Which means he can exist either with his skin intact or sort-of popped out. Arnie: Eugh. Chunt: And then he'll do like 2 to 3 minutes of standup. [laughter] Otok: It's...it gets pretty crowded here...on Open Mike Nights. Arnie: What- I'm gonna- What night, what night of the week is Open Mike Night? Otok: Flenday. Arnie: [laughs] Flenday? All right, here's what I' m gonna' do. I'm gonna' figure out what day Flenday is, I'm gonna kinda' try to make it a point not to come on Flenday. And I'm sorry, I was just- Chunt: Come on, I was testing out some new material! I told you about this the other day, I said, 'Come support my new material.' Arnie: Aah- I didn't know- Otok: Chunt's performing, yeah. Chunt: Chunt's- Chunt's observations! Arnie: All right Chunt, sure, show us some of your new material. Chunt: Ah, don't make me be funny on the spot! Arnie: All right, well how about this- Chunt: Have you ever been walking...next to a tree...and a leaf will fall? And you're like, "Chunt's up with that?" Otok: [laughs] Chunt: That's my catchphrase, it's "Chunt's up with that" Arnie: "Chunt's up with that?" Ok. That's- that's pretty good. Chunt: I don't want any feedback from you. Otok: And that's just one thing going on. And then there's Chunt's Night. Arnie: There's Chunt's- there's a lot of Chunt-centric nights here. Chunt: I'm uh, I mean, I've been here since I was a kid I've been running around here. Otok's been like a, like a father to me. Otok: Aw, little Chunt, you should have known Chunt when he was a little, little guy. Arnie: What was he like? Otok: Well, he went through different phases. When he was different animals. Arnie: What has been your favorite form that Chunt has been in? Otok: Otter. Arnie: Otter? Chunt: Mm-hmm. Arnie: Otters are pretty adorable. Otok: Yep. Chunt: I used to come in here, just lay on my back and crack open clams on my tummy. Arnie: Oh, that's pretty...that's pretty cute. Otok: And then he'd have sex with a caterpillar. Chunt: Yeah. Otok: Head to the kitchen- Chunt: [simultaneous] Yeah, 'See you in three months!' Otok: [simultaneous] Fry him up. Chunt: Yeah. [laughter] [trill] Arnie: Otok, thank you so much for agreeing to be a guest on Hello From the Magic Tavern. I love the Vermilion Minotaur, I'm glad that people get a little bit more of a sense of this place we've been podcasting from every week. Otok: Using my best booth. Arnie: Yes! And please, I mean, I know you're often very busy running the place, but if you ever want to sit in on the podcast please, please do. Otok: Thank you. Arnie: And maybe we can get out word about your missing daughter… Otok: Activia. Arnie: About Activia. I mean, we won't dwell on it too much because it's kind of depressing but… Usidore: [in the background, singing]Ac-ti-vi-a! Otok: All right. All right, Usidore. Arnie: Um, as always, please, if you enjoy this podcast, go to iTunes, give us a review, give us five stars. And just let people know. This is a major discovery, and I'm sure most of earth is really going crazy about it right now. But on the off chance that it isn't major news, please get the word out there. Also, you can email us your questions about Foon at [email protected]. I swear it's a real email address, it's all I could get, there's some weird firewall with the Burger King WiFi- it's not worth going into. But, uh, we got an email from Joshua Bright, who asks: "Is there an amusement park in Foon? If so, what are its mascots and assorted attractions?" I don't even know if you would even know what an amusement park is. It's just like a...a large, like a fair? Otok: Sure. Arnie: Or a festival that's just always there, and you go, and there are rides, and people dressed up in weird costumes. Chunt: Oohh, we have uh, there's Topple Land. Otok: Yeah. Chunt: And it's uh, you basically climb up to the top of a tree, and they'll, somebody will knock over the tree, and you just uh- It's where you go to die. Arnie: Oh, god! Chunt: It's when you're ready to die, yeah. Arnie: I feel like that would be- Chunt: So we don't have the term Amusement Park- Arnie: Let's not talk about that, in front of- Chunt: Oh okay. We call them Death Parks. Arnie: I know, but his wife was killed by a tree. Otok: Chunt knows. Chunt: Yeah, I mean, we have that rapport so… Otok: Right, at the Death Parks the trees aren't doing it intentionally, it's...part of the ritual. Arnie: I see. Is it common for people to go and kill themselves at this...Topple Park? Chunt: I mean if uh, a tree topples in the forest, does anyone hear it? [pause] Chunt: It's pretty common. Arnie: Chunt's up with that? Otok: Chunt's up with that? [theme music] [static] Mysterious Man: Well, what another wondrous array of imaginings in a fantastical world that isn't real, because it's fake. Chunt the Badger was brought to glorious life by the human Adal Rafai. Usidore the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Special guest Otok Barleyfoot was played by Nick Baer. He would agree with me that assembling an army of robots powered by the souls of children is no easy task. You can follow Nick on Twitter @nbaer. Don't be terrified by the unconventional spelling. ANd Evan Jacover was in there somewhere, yelling in the background. Produced by Evan Jacover and Ryan DiGiorgi. Edited by Ryan DeGiorgi. Music by Andy Poland. Hello From the Magic Tavern Logo by Allard Leban. Learn more about the show, and the fantastical world we've haphazardly assembled, at hellofromthemagictavern.com. Or follow us on Twitter @magictavern. This wonderous ball of lies was brought to you by Field Notes, with the help of the Chicago Podcast Cooperative. Learn more about Field Notes at fieldnotesbrand.com, and the Chicago Podcast Cooperative at chicagopodcastcoop.com. [static] [theme song end]

#HFTMT #Arnie #Chunt #Usidore #Otok Barleyfoot #first mention: Activia #First mention: Open Mike Night #First mention: Chunt's Night #First mention: unwed mothers #S1E6

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magictaverntranscripts · 5 years ago

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Hello! Would you mind if I translate your transcription collection into another language?

Hi there! Please do, that would be awesome! :)

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magictaverntranscripts · 7 years ago

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Episode 5 - Foon's Greatest Swordsman

[static]

Mysterious Man: The podcast which follows is not real. But it is really sponsored by Cards Against Humanity. They asked us not to read an ad! Enjoy the show.

[static]

[theme music]

Arnie: Hello From the Magic Tavern!

[trill]

Arnie: A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp, I'm from Chicago. About a month ago, I fell through a portal behind a Burger King, into a magical, I guess Narnia-esque land called Foon. Luckily, I had my podcasting equipment with me, and I'm getting a, a slight wifi signal, I'm guessing from the Burger King. And so I'm hosting a podcast, every week in the tavern the Vermillion Minotaur, and just reporting about this strange land. And joining me as always is the wizard, Usidore.

Usidore: Ah yes, I am Usidore, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephysiyies, Master of Light and Shadow, Devourer of Magical Delights, Destroyer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. The elves know me as Fi’ang Yalok. The dwarves know me as Zoenen Hoogastangs-

Arnie: Hoo- Hoobastank.

Usidore: Not Hoobastank! And in the Northeast I am known as Gaismunēnas Meistar.

Arnie: And unfortunately, we are not being joined by Chunt this week. He's, uh, I dunno, he, uh, Chunt the talking badger is off [laughs] I don't know what he's doing.

Usidore: I believe he's molting.

Arnie: Molting?

Usidore: Yes! Once a year, badgers in our land, they molt! And they shed all of their fur and skin and grow a new, a brand new, uh...fir coat.

Arnie: I've been meaning to ask, what are seasons like in Foon? I've only been here long- like, is it a year? Like, do they, are there four seasons a year, or is it-

Usidore: Four? No, there are six seasons.

Arnie: Six seasons?

Usidore: Yes.

Arnie: Would you mind listing off the six seasons?

Usidore: Winter.

Arnie: What are we in right now?

Usidore: Well, it's the end of Winter.

Arnie: Okay.

Usidore: We're entering Blunder.

Arnie: [laughing] Blunder.

Usidore: Then it will be Spring.

Arnie: Spring.

Usidore: Then Summer.

Arnie: Summer, okay, so far most of these sound familiar.

Usidore: Then Vyshtash.

Arnie: Wish-dush?

Usidore: And then Fall, and then Winter again.

Arnie: [laughs] Wait, so, all right, was Winter twice, or you just-?

Usidore: No it doesn't happen twice, it just goes all around to the beginning again.

Arnie: Well I don't know! I wasn't following, I wasn't counting. What is Blunder? I don't need to know about, um-

Usidore: It's the season right before Spring, right after Winter.

Arnie: Okay. [laughs] All right, that's good enough. We are joined by a guest this week. Jack Vorpal, Foon's - am I understanding this correctly? Foon's Greatest Swordsman?

Jack: Former Greatest Swordsman.

Arnie: Former Greatest Swordsman?

Jack: Yes. Long ago, I hung up my sword, and took up the baker's oven.

Arnie: The ba- [laughs] Took up the baker's oven?

Jack: Yes.

Arnie: I'm so-, I guess I was really excited to get uh, some swordplay talk on the podcast. We really, I think we've been very light on adventurers...in the Magic Tavern.

Usidore: How dare you? I am one of the greatest adventurers in all the realm. ALL I NEED, IS TWELVE STRONG MEN TO COME WITH ME, TO DEFEAT THE DARK LORD!

Arnie: Usidore, how many, how many people have you gathered to your fellowship, to go on this quest?

Usidore: [calling to off-mic] Ah yes, a fellowship of good fortune and fun, for friends! [on-mic] Uh, so far, uh, there was a young lad who came up to me-

Arnie: Mm-hmm.

Usidore: Barely old enough to hold a sword. And he was very interested. His enthusiasm nearly caused me to take him into my cause, but until I have someone else to protect him, and find a suit of armor that would fit him, or to find any discernible skill that he has, I've decided to turn him away.

Arnie: So Jack, you are Foon's former Greatest Swordsman?

Jack: Yes! I still have the marlin tattoo up my arm, which delineates the Greatest Swordsman in all of Foon. You only get that tattoo if you defeat another swordsman, and then he is obligated to mark you with the Sign of the Marlin, to show that you are his equal.

Arnie: So, how, ho-, I guess I'm not entirely understanding this tattoo system. So you...if, there was a first swordsman who had a marlin tattoo?

Jack: Yes! Yes, his name was Swordfish.

Arnie: [laughing] His name was Swordfish.

Jack: Yes, Swordfish!

Arnie: That sounds like more of a computer hacker name to me, but I don't know, that might not mean anything to-

Usidore: A what?

Jack: Is that-

Arnie: Nah, nah, I'm not, I don't wanna explain Earth things. So Swordfish had a marlin tattoo.

Jack: Yes.

Arnie: And he was the Greatest Swordsman, in Foon.

Jack: Yes, thousands of years ago.

Arnie: And then someone defeated him?

Jack: Yes, the second Greatest Swordsman who ever lived. Not the second greatest as in like, he was the second greatest, but the second greatest as in he was the greatest after the greatest.

Arnie: Chronologically the second greatest.

Jack: Yes. Yes, every swordsman must fetch a magic sword before they take on the world's Greatest Swordsman, that's a big part of becoming a swordsman in Foon, is you have to find your magic sword.

Arnie: So where, where did you find, like what kind of quest did you have to go on to find your magic sword?

Jack: When I [sighs], when I was but a young man, a lad of a mere ten and sixteen Blunders-

Arnie: Uh-huh.

Jack: I went out on a quest to defeat-

Arnie: [muttering] ...twenty-six. Blunders.

Jack: Yeah, you're familiar with Blunder?

Arnie: Y- w- [laughs] yeah, Blunder is the season...before Spring.

Usidore: Ah, yes! Very good.

Arnie: [laughing] Yes? Yeah.

Jack: Set out to defeat a great bandit king who had fallen in the western woods. When I defeated him, I stole a singing sword from his troves.

Usidore: Oh! A singing sword!

Jack: Yes, a singing sword.

Usidore: What does it know?

Jack: Like what songs does it know?

Usidore: Yes.

Jack: Uh, it knows, uh, Seven Dragons and a Baby-

Usidore: [boisterous laugh] I love that one!

Arnie: Seven Dragons and a Baby?

Usidore: Oh yes!

Jack: Yes, everyone knows that one. It goes [singing, tuneless] "Seven dragons there were..."

Usidore: [singing along, equally tuneless] "Ah, er, were..."

Jack: [still singing] "...And they had a baby!" [giggles]

Usidore: [after Jack finishes] -by! Yes,I'm a terible singer.

Arnie: [laughs] You're a little behind on that, Usidore.

Usidore: I'm a bad singer, I, I, I know I don't have the voice for it.

Arnie: Is it a benefit to have a singing sword?

Jack: It certainly is. Good for companionship when you're on a long journey by yourself.

Usidore: It's fun at parties.

Arnie: Is it, I mean- while in battle, does it have any use? Does it give you any advantage?

Jack: It sings of your glory, so your enemies may know whom they are befallen by.

Arnie: I see. Eeh, it seems like a...it seems like a little helpful, at best. Like, I feel like-

Usidore: Imagine it. You are being approached by an adventurer, sword in hand!

Arnie: Uh-huh.

Usidore: Aye, you some goblin or some demon who's been put upon this Foon to cause nothing but havoc and evil. And you hear the sweet singing voice of the singing sword, telling you of the great foes previously defeated by this great master of the blade! And as he doth wreak his havoc upon thee, THOU DUST KNOW THE FINAL CRUSHING BLOW, THEN THAT THY OWN NAME AND VOICE, SHALL BE ADDED TO THIS SONG, THIS LITANY OF DESTRUCTIONNNN!

Jack: Though, sometimes, it just sings Seven Dragons and a Baby.

Arnie: [singing] Seven dragons and a baby, hmm hmm [hums]

Usidore: That's a good song, yes, I like that one.

Arnie: I just feel like if I- so, say I'm a swordman with a magic sword, and I'm about to fight someone else with a magic sword, if I heard their sword singing, I'd be like, "Oh, phew! That is the power. That is the extent of the thing that I'm up against."

Usidore: Ah yes, does it have any other powers?

Jack: Uh...It can cut through all wooden objects.

Usidore: Ooooo!

Arnie: I don't know if that's a power. [laughs]

Usidore: What do you mean?

Arnie: That just seems like a property of a sword.

Jack: Have you ever tried to cut through, like, a really, like, dense oak tree with a sword?

Arnie: All right, that's fair.

Usidore: Ah, you mean with like a single swipe!

Jack: Yes, with a single blow.

Usidore: Yes, yes.

Jack: With a single blow. I'm not like, hacking at a tree over and over again.

Arnie: I see.

Jack: Of course, I gave all that up. And now I just make pies.

Arnie: I'm, I'm sorry to really fixate on this [giggling] singing sword. How does the, how do the swords get their magic powers? Like, are they made, does like, a wizard grant it powers? Are there like-

Jack: They're born that way.

Arnie: [in awe] They're born that way.

Jack: Yeah.

Usidore: Yes.

Jack: You go to a sword rookery, and the sword eggs hatch, and-

Arnie: [laughs]

Jack: They start out as little dagger larvae-

Arnie: Uh-huh.

Jack: And then they grow up, and some of them, when they've been around for a long time, begin to develop magical properties.

Arnie: And then...do swords...lay eggs, of new, for new swords?

Jack: ...Where do you think swords come from?

Arnie: [laughs] I thought people...

Usidore: Arnold, let me speak to you about the birds and the bees. When two swords love one another...

Arnie: [chuckles]

Usidore: ...they form a nest, and then they-

Jack: It's not, love isn't always involved, sometimes it's just pure, weapon lust.

Usidore: Yes, yes, I suppose that's true.

Arnie: Doesn't this make, like a swordfight seem, espe- a little awkward? Right?

Usidore: Uh, I-

Arnie: If you're fighting someone- I guess we have exactly the person to ask. Jack Vorpal, world's- Foon's Greatest Swordsman-

Jack: Former Greatest Swordsman.

Arnie: Former, former Greatest Swordsman. During a swordfight, you're fighting someone, and your swords, potentially...could s-, do the swords ever start having sex during a fight?

Jack: They don't have sex through the blade of the sword!

Arnie: I am totally unaware of sword sex.

Jack: Oh, no, the sword penis is in the handle of the sword.

Arnie: Ooohhh.

Usidore: The hilt!

Jack: The hilt.

Arnie: It makes a lot of sense, but that's not where I would want it to be.

Jack: And the vagina on the female sword is in the buckler.

Arnie: I don't- what is the buckler?

Jack: It's like the little part, the catch, the...the flat part that is under the s-

Arnie: [laughs] Could you just draw?

Jack: Yeah, all right, hold on I'll just draw. Um, I've got a piece of charcoal-

Arnie: Okay.

Jack: And a blueberry.

Arnie: Right [laughing] Oh good! That's handy...

Jack: So we'll use that for color.

Arnie: ...that we have that.

Jack: So here you can see, this is a sword penis right here...

Arnie: Mm-hmm.

Jack: And this is the sword vagina...

Arnie: That's very graphic.

Jack: And when you see these two swords...

Arnie: Mm-hmm, yeah.

Jack: And if they're in love, or if they are...

Arnie: If they just, yeah...

Jack: ...in a state of lust, they just go at it with that, with those two pieces.

Arnie: Is it weird that you're just holding sword dicks? Like, I assume your sword was a male, I guess I don't know that for a fact.

Jack: It was a fine, female sword.

Arnie: I see.

Jack: Is, still hanging...above the oven in my bakery.

Usidore: Jack [sighs] I fear we may have done you a disservice here today by not asking you...why you decided to quit adventuring.

Arnie: And then I have a few more sword sex questions for you-

Usidore: Bah!

Arnie: You could probably-

Usidore: I'm very curious, what-

Arnie: Nah, we could move on to the-

Usidore: Has another swordsman come along and become the Greatest Swordsman? Or have- are you still...?

Jack: The world of Foon is currently without a Greatest Swordsman, I was never defeated.

Usidore: EAUGH! UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Arnie: It doesn't revert back to the former greatest?

Jack: As long as I live, the sword is mine. And the honor of Greatest Swordsman, or the burden of Greatest Swordsman is mine as well. I just...can't bring myself to commit another act of violence with my sword.

Arnie: Ok well, so what happened?

Jack: My last adventure, [sighs] I was on a journey, for Good Queen Elsinore. Her kingdom was beset by a race of monsters called the Smorps.

Arnie: Smorps?

Jack: Yes, Smorps. They're about four peaches tall, and...

Arnie: [laughs]

Jack: ...they live in large, mushroom shaped homes.

Arnie: [laughing] Uh-huh.

Usidore: [grumbling] Oh, how I hate those Smorps!

Arnie: [laughing] Smorps!

Usidore: Oh, if I could just get enough of them, I could turn them all into gold!

Arnie: [laughing] Okay, okay, Usidore, don't...you're...

Usidore: Noo! They;re all making me crazy!

Arnie: [laughing] It's just, you're getting a little...

Usidore: I'm sorry, it's just I think about those Smorps, and I get angry! And I...I go home and I pet my cat in the house at the top of the hill...

Arnie: [laughing] Uh-huh...all right, don't go full Gargamel. Let's-

Usidore: Who?

Arnie: [laughing] It's not, it's not important.

Jack: Gargamel, that sounds like an angel's name, with the L on the end?

Arnie: [laughing] An angel! Well, no, I...so the Smorps?

Jack: Yes, led by their vicious leader, a cruel, crimson-clad wizard named Father Smorp.

Arnie: [laughing] Father Smorp! I'm just gon- oh, crimson! So, the Smorps are red?

Jack: No, the Smorps are purple in color.

Arnie: They're purple?

Jack: Yes, cerulean depending on, you know, what kinds of colors you can see.

Arnie: Uh-huh.

Jack: So they mostly walk around in white pants, though their leaders are clad in a crimson which is stained with the blood of their enemies.

Arnie: Mm-hmm.

Jack: And they are given names based on their roles, like Soldier Smorp and Cook Smorp.

Arnie: W-, are- are they, are they all men? Are there any female smorps?

Jack: There's one female Smorp, the Queen Smorp, often called Smorpette.

Arnie: Smorpette?

Jack: Yes. She's a thousand times the size of the other Smorps, bloated-

Arnie: [laughing and groaning] Oh no!

Jack: -with Smorp eggs.

Arnie: Oh god!

Usidore: She is a foul and disgusting creature.

Arnie: Ugh!

Jack: On the full moon, she lays baby Smorps.

Arnie: Oh no.

Jack: Baby Smorps which devour the closest living beings and then go into a larval cocoon, until they explode out in a cloud of pus!

Arnie: I have zero questions about Smorp sex. I do not want to know [laughing] anything about Smo- Okay, so you come across this Smorp village.

Jack: So, I followed a trail of Smorp berries back to the village.

Arnie: Uh-huh?

Jack: And there I did do battle with the Smorps.

Arnie: Yeah, it doesn't sound...like, if they're very small, it doesn't sound like a fair fight.

Jack: They're vicious though. They have sharp little teeth and beady little eyes, and claws! I killed hundreds of Smorps that day. Stabbed my singing sword right into them, as it sang its battle hymn!

Arnie: What, what's, what is your sword's battle hymn?

Jack: [to the tune of The Smurfs theme song] La-la La-la-la-la. La-la....la-la-la...

Arnie: Oh.

Jack: [changes tune] La-la-la, la-la-la

Arnie: It sounded, it sounded like a song I know for a little bit and then it kind-of...veered away from copyright infringement, from my world, near the end, which I'm-

Jack: Copyright infringement?

Arnie: It's not, I don't wanna talk about Earth stuff. I shouldn't have brought it up.

Usidore: Copyright infrinnngement!

Jack: Is that like, a type of, a type of monster, or...?

Arnie: I mean, [sighs] I mean it can be. So you killed, you killed a hundred Smorps?

Jack: Yes, I was knee-deep in Smorp blood.

Arnie: Uh-huh?

Jack: And, [sighs] I was about to kill the final Smorp.

Arnie: Uh-huh?

Jack: And I picked him up...he was an artist. He was wearing a...a little smock...

Arnie: Uh-huh.

Jack: And he had a little palette with paints on it...and I looked into his eyes, and despite the fact that I knew he was a monster, I just saw...his humanity. And my own. And I realized...that all living things are connected...

Arnie: Mm-hmm.

Jack: And that to take the life of any living thing is an egregeous crime. And I swore, after I...broke his head off of his body with [laughing] my bare hands...

Arnie: [laughing] Oh no! That was not where I was expecting that to go!

Jack: That I would never, ever, commit an act of violence again.

Usidore: Jack, listen to me now. You did the right thing. The Smorps are evil, through and through. One time, they broke into my home?

Arnie: [chuckling]

Usidore: They dressed me up like I was a Smorp, and they painted me cerulean! I woke up in the morning, they had put a giant mushroom top on my house! And I spent the entire day thinking I was a Smorp! Yes, yes, of course I did begin to feel some sort of sentiment for them, oh but as soon as I realized their trickery, I set my cat upon them!

Arnie: Where do the Smorps come from?

Jack: They were created at the dawn of time, just like everything else was.

Arnie: Hmm.

Usidore: Right. Well, I had some hand in creating Smorpette, I apologize for that, of course.

Jack: [astonished] You created Smorpette?

Usidore: Well, I, it's eh, I tried, one of my tricks to, eh...

Jack: That vile monster was a product of your creation?

Usidore: Ah, well, they used to be all male. And then I thought I would trick them by adding a...a Smorpette into their mix, and I sent her down there, and she was simply around the same size as them, and then they did their evil magic on her and made her into a giant slug thing!

Arnie: Mmm.

Jack: When I found myself in the Smorp village, and I found myself in the Smorpette's lair, in addition to the thousands of pus-filled sacks around her...

Usidore: Ugh.

Jack: ...Her chamber was filled with the tiny skulls of local orphans, whom she had supped upon.

Usidore: Yes, I feel no end of guilt about it. Yes, everyone knows that the Smorpette devours orphans, there's nothing to be done about it. Unless you have defeated them outright now, are they completely extinct?

Jack: I've slain all but the Smorplings.

Usidore: Eugh.

Jack: The youngest child Smorps. They still besiege the woods, but I just cannot bring myself to wield my sword again, to do battle with them.

Arnie: And I would have to imagine that in different regions, there are probably different variations on the Smorps. Like, underwater there's probably the Snerks.

Usidore: ...What?

Arnie: [laughs] Never mind.

Jack: Underwater, there are mermaids and...sea dragons...and-

Usidore: Leviathans...

Arnie: No Snerks? Like Smorps but with like...?

Usidore: Snerks?

Arnie: It's not worth, worth going into.

Usidore: Arnold, may I ask you a question?

Arnie: Yes.

Usidore: How old do you think I am?

Arnie: I...

Usidore: Do you think I've been around since the beginning of time like the Smorps?

Arnie: I don't know, I mean, you seem very old.

Usidore: I was simply brought into this world, uh, a few centuries ago, when the wind and the air and the FIRE AND THE BREATH OF LIFE DECIDED THAT A CHAMPION MUST BE BORN INTO THE WORLD! [casually] The way all wizards are born.

Arnie: Hmm. We'll have to get, I wanna get more of the story of you just appearing into the world, because it sounds very odd to me.

Jack: Uh, I always thought that when the air and the earth loved each other very much...

Usidore: Oh Jack, you've made a terrible mistake. The air and the earth don't always feel the emotion of love, sometimes it is simply a physical act.

Arnie: So Jack, you've decided to be a baker now?

Jack: Yes.

Arnie: How did you choose baking?

Jack: I feel like I wanted to create things rather than taking things out of the world.

Arnie: Ah.

Jack: A sword is a tool only for death and violence, it can only be used to destroy. Now I make things that children love...pies!

Usidore: Jack, I must ask you. Will you take up your sword again? For the power of the Dark Lord doth reign o'er us all. And if we do not take steps to defeat him, yea, red rain of blood shall pour down upon all of Foon, and we shall surely be destroyed in the wake of his wanton ways!

Jack: You know, I'm actually kind-of supportive of the way the Dark Lord has simplified the tax code?

Usidore: ...Well, no one's arguing that that's not a good tax code. I, I can't, I have no real qualm with his tax code! Certainly, once we put a, a less evil entity in his place, I don't see any reason to repeal that tax code. I...[grumbles]

Arnie: So no closer to building your fellowship?

Usidore: [grumbles]

[trill]

Arnie: So Jack, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. I hope that you'll come back again sometime soon, and uh, would you...bring your sword? Does the sword stay where it is? Like, is it too much of an act of aggression to even just kinda' walk out in Hogface with the sword?

Jack: I'll make you this promise. If you purchase three pies for the price of two, I will bring my sword the next time I come on this show.

Arnie: That seems very fair.

Usidore: Exceedingly fair.

Arnie: It seems very, very fair. I would love to see the singing sword, I think that would be great.

Usidore: Ooo, what's the best pie you make?

Jack: Uh, boysenberry.

Usidore: Oooo, my favorite!

Arnie: As always, I encourage everyone to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, give us a great rating and some stars. Also, I've been able to set up an email address for myself. Y'know, it- my...connection to the internet is very spotty here through the portal to the Burger King, I don't really know exactly what it is. The only email I was able to get is [email protected]. I swear that is a real email, I swear it's a real email address. It really works. I've only gotten a couple of emails asking questions, I would have expected more emails to be flooding in, because of this major discovery of an alternate world. But I thought we'd try to quickly answer one of these questions. From Jackson Fell, "Is there any sort, map or way that you could show us Boon?" [pause] I'll read that again. "Is there any sort, map, or way, that you could show us Boon?"

Usidore: I don't understand the question.

Arnie: Boo- Have I been...not been clearly pronouncing where we are, 'Foon'?

Usidore: Oh, yes, Foon! He means Foon.

Arnie: I think...when he says Boon, he means Foon. But-

Jack: Perhaps he's asking for a boon? From you?

Usidore: Ah, yea!

Arnie: It could be. Are there maps of Foon?

Usidore: Well yes, thousands! Hundreds of thousands, perhaps.

Arnie: All right. I guess I'll have to try to figure out a way to maybe get that on our website, or something, put it on the feed. Or at the very least, maybe, are there any, if there are any local cartographers or mapologists, they could come and maybe be on the podcast and at least explain the geography of Foon a little bit.

Usidore: Ah, I suppose we, yes, that seems possible, yes.

Arnie: All right, well thank you so much guys, and uh, hopefully come back soon.

[theme song]

[static]

Mysterious Man: One moment while I close this panel, before the radiation melts all the crystals. [click] Remember, if you find yourself thinking maybe these things really happened, think, "No, they didn't" and then tell your brain to think about something else. Usidore the Wizard was played by Matt Young. And special guest Jack Vorpal was played by Sean Kelley. You can hear Matt and Sean together weekly on the Improvise Star Trek podcast. Hello From the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Produced by Evan Jacover and Ryan DiGiorgi. Edited by Ryan DiGiorgi. Music by Andy Poland. Learn more about the show and how its not real at hellofromthemagictavern.com, or follow us on Twitter @magictavern. All of these fictionalized pretendings were brought to us by Cards Against Humanity, with support from the Chicago Podcast Cooperative. Learn more about Cards Against Humanity at cardsagainsthumanity.com, and the Chicago Podcast Cooperative at chicagopodcastcoop.com

[static]

[theme music end]

#Arnie #Usidore #Jack Vorpal #s1e5 #Episode 5 - Foon's Greatest Swordsman #first mention: Vyshtash #first mention: Blunder #first mention: Smorps #first mention: Seven Dragons and a Baby #first mention: sword anatomy #hftmt

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magictaverntranscripts · 7 years ago

Text

Episode 4 - The FML

[static]

Mysterious Man: The following podcast is not real. But it is really sponsored by Base Camp. When you use Base Camp to run projects, people know what to do, people know where things are, and you stay on top of everything all the time.

[static]

[theme music]

Arnie: Hello From the Magic Tavern!

[trill]

Arnie: I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp. I'm from Chicago, which is on the planet Earth. And about four weeks ago, I fell through a magical rift behind a Burger King into Foon, which is kind of a Narnia-esque magical land. Luckily, I'm getting a slight WiFi signal through that magical rift, and I'm able to host a podcast in the Vermilion Minotaur, a tavern in the land of Foon. As always, I'm joined by my two sidekicks, why don't you guys introduce yourselves?

Usidore: I am, of course...

Arnie: [groans]

Usidore: ...Eh...no, I'm going to do as you asked...

Chunt: [chuckles]

Arnie: [muttering] Okay.

Usidore: As we spoke about before - I am of course...

Arnie: I know this is tough, you can do it.

Usidore: Y- yeah. U...Usidore...[rushing] Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephysyis-

Arnie: [groans]

Usidore: -Grand Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. The Elves know me as Fi’ang Yalok. The Dwarves know me as Zoenen Hoogastangs. I am known in the Northeast as Gaismunēnas Meistar, and [whispers] there may be other secret names you do not know yet.

Arnie: I d-, I hope it does not get longer.

Chunt: You should see his business cards!

Usidore: That of course-

Chunt: Front and back! Front and back.

Usidore: [laughs] That of course is our jovial friend Chunt! Making fun of the length of my name! [laughs] Delightful.

Arnie: And Chunt, introduce yourself.

Chunt: Chunt here.

Arnie: ...[laughs] Yeah, I feel like there's a middle ground between the two of you in how much you introduce yourselves, like-

Usidore: I don't understand-

Chunt: I try and compensate for Usidore's, uhhh...length of introduction.

Arnie: Okay, so it's Usidore the Wizard, and Chunt the Talking Badger. So, um-

Chunt: Badger, I mean-

Arnie: We don't need-

Chunt: It's a given and- [snorts] You don't have to say everything's talking, it's just, I'm a badger.

Usidore: Yes...

Arnie: Do all badgers speak in Foon?

Chunt: In their own way.

Arnie: But not English.

Chunt: ...Well...some.

Arnie: We have another guest, and before we get to him though, uh, last week I mentioned that I have an email address, uh, there must be some kind of firewall issue with the Burger King that I'm getting the WiFi signal from, so I-

Chunt: Didn't Spintax dissolve the Wall of Fire?

Usidore: Uh, he may have, Spintax the Green, my great rival...

Arnie: Yeah, it's not a magical thing, it's-

Usidore: I too could create a wall of fire, if you want it. I SHALL PUT A WALL OF FIRE AROUND THIS TAVERN RIGHT NOW!!

Arnie: It's- Basically what I'm saying is, I can't get access to my regular email, so I had to set up a special email for this podcast, so if you-

Usidore: [off-mic] BUUUUURN!!! BUUUUUUUUUURN!!!

Arnie: So if you want to email me, or us, here, you can email us at [email protected]. I know it's an unusual sounding email, it doesn't sound real, but it absolutely is, so email us at [email protected]

Usidore: [whispering] Fffiiiire deepash [incomprehensible, continues under the other dialogue]

Chunt: Is that- Is that talking puppies.supplies?

Arnie: It's just puppies-

Chunt: Just puppies. Oh, Usidore's in the wizard state.

Arnie: Oh.

Usidore: [still whispering] Gdummah una burrning umabahein chai emara burn burn burn buttern buttern buurrrrnnn...

Chunt: And he's out.

Arnie: Okay. So we did get an email, uh, someone emailed us from after last week, uh, with some questions about Foon. So I'm gonna' quick-

Chunt: Oh, great.

Arnie: Read a little bit of this. This is from, uh, Matt DeMarco, he emails to ask, "Can Chunt only turn into whole other animals by sexing them, or is constantly under threat of turning himself into, say, a badger paw, by sexing himself?"

Chunt: [tsks] Uh, it does have to be, um, with another creature.

Arnie: Okay.

Chunt: Is he referencing when I masturbate?

Arnie: Yes.

Chunt: Yeah. You've- you've walked in on me masturbating.

Arnie: Yeah, I-

Chunt: And there's no...

Arnie: Nn-, yeah, it's-

Chunt: I don't turn into a hand or I don't turn into-

Arnie: No, y- not..

Chunt: When I wear- if I wear protection I don't turn into protection just because it's...

Arnie: Yeah.

Chunt: The laws of magic are pretty cut and dry.

Usidore: I-

Arnie: It's pretty-

Usidore: I think they're clear on this matter.

Arnie: Okay. All right, uh, uh, terrible question, Matt DiMarco, uh, next-

Chunt: [giggling] I think it was a good question, for sure.

Arnie: I-

Usidore: I lit four candles.

[silence]

Arnie: ...What?

Usidore: I lit four candles with my magical incantation, I did not make a whole wall of fire, but I did manage to LIGHT FOUR CANDLES!!!!

Arnie: That's true, we're a little more lit here in the Vermillion Minataur. Uh, another question, "Please tell Usidore that Manipulator of Magical Delights is better than Persuader. Manipulator sounds more powerful. Also, what's up with that wizard state? Is that something he learned in wizard school, or is it something you're born with?"

Usidore: I have stuck with Manipulator, I think you for your thoughts on this matter. It does seem to have a little more power and strength behind it, so I prefer it to Persuader of Magical Delights. The wizard state...This was a gift given to me, by those who created me. It is an innate ability, I did not learn it in a wizarding school, I was fully formed as a wizard from the day I set foot in Foon. Aye, the very birds of the sky and the fire and the wind and the water did conspire to create me out of the very elements that exist in the air and the earth.

Arnie: So you came-

Usidore: And the hearts of men.

Arnie: So you came into Foon fully formed, like just a, an adult wizard?

Usidore: Of course, I'm a wizard.

Arnie: That's how wiz-, wizards aren't born?

Usidore: Uh, yes, but perhaps not as a mewling babe as you would expect! [laughs]

Arnie: So when, when you just pop into existence, what's the first- like, do you remember your first thought? Like, "Whoa!"

Usidore: I have- Uh, w-, my first thought was, "I ha-, I have to find a staff."

Arnie: [wheezing/laughing]

Usidore: I need a staff, and I thought well, I'll find a large tree and break off a branch to start with until I can afford a better staff, and uh, and of course my second thought was, "I must defeat the Dark Lord." And I must convince one of you to join me on this great quest!

Arnie: He has- Usidore has a quest to defeat the Dark Lord, which-

Usidore: Think of the glory that could be earned by all the people here, and the safety of Foon and all the children and women and men who do live here! And all the animals and beasts of the forest, they are all in danger right now! But let's get to our guest.

Arnie: Yeah. Uh, thank you for your email, Matt DeMarco, but let's get to our guest. Uh, Your name is Larry Birdman?

Larry: Yeah, that's right, Larry Birdman.

Arnie: And, uh, who are you?

Usidore: I'm very excited about this, everyone knows-

Larry: Who am I?

Usidore: -who Larry Birdman is.

Arnie: SO everyone here knows who Larry Birdman is?

Chunt: Oh, absolutely!

Usidore: Yes, of course!

Larry: I'm the Commissioner of the FML.

Arnie: ...And what is the FML?

Usidore: [chortles]

Chunt: [laughs]

Larry: Uh...

Arnie: I'm sorry, I'm new to Foon, I don't really know much ab-

Larry: Well, when did you get here, after February 1st? After January 15th?

Usidore: [laughs]

Arnie: Uh...y..es? I mean-

Larry: Okay, well I'm- the Foon Mittens League, is the FML, Mittens is the biggest sport in Foon, everyone knows this, and I'm the Commissioner of the League. And we just had the Super Mittens Cavalcade, and then the Super Mittens Cavalcade, Part II. On February 1st was the Part II, and on January 15th was the first, and uh, it was a pretty good game! Uh, setting apart the fact that a lot of the rules, in my opinion, still don't make any sense. But a great game, and we had uh, we had a great, great turnout, I think over 74 percent of all of Foon were tuned in one way or another. Through telepathy, or through the Magic Box, or through-

Arnie: The Magic Box?

Usidore: Mm-hmm.

Larry: Attending in person, or through uh, trans-soul deliverance, or through uh, Walk N' Pop. So, between all of those we had, uh my understanding, 74 percent of Foon. We still trend heavily f- heavily male, we had about 91 percent of all the males of Foon, uh tuned in, about 90...90...no, sorry, 80, 82 percent of the females, and about 38 percent of the creatures.

Usidore: I murdered a horse and watched through the horse's blood.

Larry: Yes!

Arnie: Wow.

Larry: Yes, good, good. Well we had only, uh, only, of course, a wizard can do that, so we had about, 20, 25 horse blood murder viewers this year, and we're trying to raise that next year.

Chunt: Can I just say, Larry Birdman, and it's an honor to meet you, that I usually tune in to watch the Cavalcade mostly for commercials?

Larry: Mmm.

Chunt: I mean, 'cause the g-, as you mentioned the game has its flaws.

Larry: Yes, sure.

Chunt: Phenomenal game.

Larry: Mm-hmm, it's an okay game.

Chunt: But mostly watch for the commercials.

Larry: Yeah, well this year the commercials were great. Uh, I- which was your favorite? I'll tell you my favorite and then you tell me if you agree. But my favorite was probably where they trotted out, uh, 300 of the, uh, of the greatest Mittens players of all time and had them all, uh, re-create some of the greatest theatrical moments in the history of Foon, in about a 38 minute commercial, I thought that was great.

Arnie: [whispers] Wow.

Chunt: Amazing. Amazing.

Arnie: That's a long commercial.

Larry: That's right, and it doesn't sell anything.

Arnie: [laughs]

Chunt: [laughs]

Larry: It's just, it was just for fun-

Usidore: It was a won-, wonderful celebration of the sport.

Larry: It was a celebration of the sport of Mittens, and of the theater community of Foon.

Arnie: And Chunt, what was your favorite commercial?

Chunt: There was one, I can't remember what it was for, but there was like, these pincers? And they were holding a Dwarf, and you j-, they just slowly lowered him into boiling tar-

Arnie: Oh god!

Chunt: And you just see him, you see the life escape him from the feet up, and it was just, just great, I mean, just really, really spoke to me.

Larry: Yeah, that was for life insurance.

Chunt: Oh! That makes total sense.

Arnie: So you said, I don't really know, how does the sport work, Mittens?

Larry: What's that?

Arnie: How does Mittens work?

Larry: Oh god, well, uh, so you've never seen any Mittens?

Arnie: I haven't seen-

Larry: All right, uh- [sighs]

Usidore: Lawrence, you must forgive him, Arnold is a new-

Larry: Yeah.

Arnie: It's Arnie.

Usidore: He's a new person here-

Larry: Yeah, it's Larry, it's Larry Birdman. Uh, you know, [sigh] So put it this way, all right? You're on a field, all right? About 2000 yards long, uh, between 2000 and 2007, depending on which field you play on. Uh, it's about nine yards wide, so very narrow field.

Arnie: Wow!

Larry: Uh, each team is comprised of 31 individuals. You have a Baskin, you have what we call a Quarter-Back, which you won't understand, there's a Baskin, there's nineteen Hillsmens, and then there's ten, what we call Misselineus. And the Misselineus, they can do all sorts-

Arnie: Wait, Misselinius?

Larry: Yes, Missel-linius. There's 10 of them, there's 19 Hillsmen, okay? You have, you have a Baskin, 19 Hillsmen, okay, 10 Misselineus and and then a Quarterback.

Arnie: Do the Misselineus just do assorted things?

Larry: No, all of the other people do. The Misselinius have one specific task, that's very specific.

Arnie: [chuckles]

Larry: The Misselineus are there to basically distract and try to assist the Baskin in performing the Baskin task.

Arnie: And what is the Baskin task?

Larry: Now, the goal of the Baskin is to get the potted flower from one end of the f-, the Pitch, we call it the Pitch, to the other end of the Pitch, and if the Baskin takes a potted flower across 2000 yards, and gets it to the other end, that is one point. Now, my principle problem with the game, is if a bird comes near the field and you catch it, that's 700 points.

Arnie: [laughing] That's a lot of, that seems like a lot of points.

Larry: Didn't invent the rules, don't like that rule, seems like the team that catches a bird always wins.

Usidore: But it is exciting.

Larry: Well, it's...

Usidore: It's exciting when a bird finally flies onto the field-

Arnie: How often does this happen?

Larry: It's f-

Usidore: Pandemonium breaks out

Chunt: Very often, very often.

Larry: Pretty regularly. In fact, the last game, so, okay, so the last Cavalcade Part II, the score was, uh 2103 to 8.

Arnie: [laughing] Oh no!

Larry: So, it was, in my opinion, and this is what I've been pushing for, for reform for years, I thought it was unfair because one team got a Baskin 2000 yards across 31 opponents 8 different times, the other team only did it 3 times, and yet because the other team caught three birds, they won by thousands of points.

Usidore: Yes.

Chunt: It's a bird-heavy game. And you should know that Hogsface has its own Mittens team.

Larry: Oh yes! [laughs] If, that's "team" in quotes, Hogsface went, I believe, 0 and 1 last year?

Chunt: Yeah.

Larry: Yeah, they did not win their game.

Chunt: Yeah, our potted flower is not a fan of being carried around.

Usidore: Yes.

Arnie: Wait, so is your potted flower, Flower?

Chunt: It's Flower, yeah.

Arnie: The Flower that I threw off of a cliff last week?

Chunt: Yep, so we don't have a team anymore.

Arnie: [laughs] Oh no-

Usidore: Thank you for that.

Arnie: I'm sorry.

Larry: Ugh.

Chunt: The Hogsface Poisoned Blades are no longer a team.

Usidore: Now Larry, I, I wanted to ask you while you were here, burrh, I know you aren't a fan of the bird catching rule-

Larry: No, I'm not.

Usidore: But I do find it exciting when they catch a bird. My issue is more that fans are allowed to bring bags full of birds to release into the pitch.

Larry: Yes.

Usidore: I, if the fans were, were restricted in their ability to bring birds and birds simply flew into the field naturally, I think that would make for a much more exciting game!

Larry: Well it's an interesting point, and, and, you know, Usidore-

Usidore: Yes.

Larry: I don't know if you've ever tried out to be a Wizard, as I said earlier, there's one Wizard per team, usually, sometimes more than one Wizard, but usually you b-, you want at least one of your Hillsmen to be a Wizard.

Usidore: Eh, yes.

Larry: And often that Wizard will be tasked with, you know, disintegrating birds that are released. So you constantly have birds being released by the fans, which I'm against, but you know, the rules are the rules and I just enforce them. And you will see, uh, hundreds, if not thousands of birds, released and then disintegrated repeatedly by one of the Hillsmen. That's just one of, I would say, 100-200 tasks a Hillsmen is-

Arnie: 100-200 tasks?

Larry: Yes. A game lasts, uh, well the first Cavalcade, as I said, began on January 15th, and ended, maybe, 20 minutes before the Final. So it's about a two-week game.

Usidore: It was a short game.

Larry: It was a short game, I'm glad we were able to get the Cavalcade finished this year before March.

Usidore: Yes.

Arnie: Does it frequenl-, Does one of the Cav- Does part I frequently go so long that part II starts before part I is done?

Larry: No, you couldn't do that, that's [laughs] that doesn't make any sense. No, the Cavalcade Part I is the second and third place team from the regular season. They play off, and then the winner of that plays the worst team from the regular season from the title.

Arnie: [laughs]

Larry: Another rule which I am against and trying to reform, it's one of my main points, is why not let the best team from the year play in the Cavalcade Part II?

Chunt: And Hogsface was in because we were the worst team. I should let you know, when I was in the form of an eagle, I was a Baskin, which was a huge problem, because, as per the rules-

Usidore: Your'e also a bird!

Larry: Yes.

Chunt: I'm a bird! So-

Larry: And the Baskin's feet cannot leave the ground.

Chunt: So, by being on the team in the state of an eagle, I was just draining points from my team.

Larry: Yes.

Arnie: What if you had been, like, another kind of bird, like a sparrow or a robin?

Usidore: A what?

Arnie: A sparrow or a robin.

Larry: Not familiar with either of those types-

Usidore: What's a robin?

Larry: What's a sparrow?

Arnie: I was just saying that maybe if you were a Baskin...robin...

Usidore: ...A robin?

Arnie: Never mind. That's- You know what, that's just something that-

Larry: Baskin robin...

Chunt: You seem...really pleased with yourself for some reason...

Larry: Yes.

Arnie: [chuckling] The people, I'm, the-, that was more for the people on my world, they're going to go crazy over that.

Chunt: A Baskin...robin...

Arnie: It's just a little joke, but the people on my world are gonna' go crazy.

Larry: I don't understand.

Chunt: I don't understand, but I hate it.

Larry: Anyway, thirty-one per team, uh...and I-

Arnie: Like 31 Flavors?

Larry: -don't know what else you need to know about Mittens. But, um, the-

Arnie: What are some of the teams besides the Hogface Poison Blades?

Chunt: Mm-Hmm?

Larry: Well, the best team in the league this year, which, you know, unfortunately they're not eligible for the playoffs, by virtue of wining the regular season. And then what they do is they wait there- If you win the regular season, you an't play again for ten years. And then in the 10th year you play in the 10th Anniversary, Round Table, Roundrobin, Uh, Circular...uh...

Chunt: And by the way, Roundrobin means something...we don't have robins. Robin means something else in Foon.

Larry: Yes.

Arnie: What does robin mean in Foon?

Usidore: Roundrobin.

Larry: I don't know what, uh, robin means, a Roundrobin is a specific type of game in which one opponent plays another one.

Arnie: ...okay...

Larry: Um...I forgot your question.

Arnie: What are some of the teams?

Larry: Oh.

Chunt: The Festering Wounds have been...dominating for a while.

Arnie: Uh-huh?

Larry: Yes. Well, in the sense that the best you can do, a lot of people think, is to finish second every year. So what happens in the game, and it's, again, it's frustrating, is, you have uh, teams play, and they try to all get up near the front, and then they all intentionally try to lose towards the end of the year to finish second, so that they can be in the Cavalcade and then hopefully Cavalcade Part II, and not have to be retired for ten years. So the Festering Wounds have finished second or third, which is both good, what 11? 11 or 12 years in a row.

Usidore: Yes, and of course there's uh, the Scrr...uh... Buzzards.

Larry: Yes.

Arnie: Oh, from Scrr?

Usidore: From Scrr, yes.

Larry: Now you, Usidore, who do you support? I notice that you are in Scrr Buzzards colors.

Usidore: Ahhh, yes, I am a fan of the Buzzards, I must admit. [grumbles]

Chunt: And the wizard that plays on the Buzzards is, uh, Spintax.

Larry: Spintax the Green?

Usidore: Yes.

Larry: Do you know him?

Usidore: Yeah...[grumbles] Uh, yes, yeah I do know him.

Chunt: Yeah?

Larry: I had dinner with him about a week ago, and he's really a wonderful, wonderful man.

Usidore: Yes, he's very, very talented.

Chunt: Great, great wizard.

Larry: For his age, too. He really can create a lot of things and dismantle a lot of things.

Usidore: Well, we each have our own journey. Speaking of which, I have a journey, that I would like you to accompany me on-

Arnie: We're gonna' have to-

Usidore: Aye, for the Dark Lord-

Arnie: Go to a quick break, actually, I'm sorry, you can mumble about the Dark Lord if you want-

Usidore: He s-

Arnie: But we're gonna' take-

Usidore: -smirched the land with his evil...

Arnie: We're just gonna' take a quick break, uh, so that we can refresh our drinks-

Usidore: [in the wizard's state] i shhuuupulflon i uwaveawave

Arnie: and we'll be back in just a moment.

[static]

[ad music]

Burger King Worker: Hello, welcome to Burger King, would you like to try a free Whopper today?

Usidore: [still in the wizard's state] hy k kuuu onminggg.[inaudible]

Burger King Worker: Seriously? Hello? Is that...? I swear I hear someone whispering. [yelling] Hey Linda, I think something's wrong with my headset.

[ad music fades]

Arnie: All right, uh, we're back. Uh, Usidore, are you done with your wizard's trance?

Usidore: Yes, I'm out of the wizard state now. Uh, but I had a question for you, Larry.

Larry: Oh, sure.

Usidore: You know, I always did want to be a Hillsman, myself.

Larry: Yes.

Usidore: I am a wizard, and I do live on top of a hill.

Larry: Oh, nice.

Usidore: So I, it's always occurred to me that perhaps I could do it. Do you think I-?

Larry: Well, uh-

Usidore: Do you think I have the strength, the upper body strenth?

Larry: Did you play Mittens in College, or Wizard School?

Usidore: Well, ee- a little bit, I uh, you know, played with friends, you know, just fun-

Larry: Like the varsity, or the JV?

Usidore: Ah, you know, I [blusters] I went out for varsity, and you know, I didn't make it then, but you know, I've, I've grown as a wizard in the interim, you know...

Larry: Well, you know, one thing that I value as Commissioner of the Mittens League-

Usidore: Mm-hmm?

Larry: -is just brutal, honest truth. And I'll tell you it's unlikely. It's unlikely that you could do it.

Usidore: Mmm.

Larry: And the reason I say that is, our league is composed of the greatest Mittens players in the world. And as you know, as ev- Chunt, as you know, everyone who grows up in Foon - I would say fifty percent of the uh, the young, the young men and women of Foon play Mittens as children. And of course, that's getting lower and lower due to the Post-Concussive Syndrome problem that we're having, but-

Usidore: Right.

Larry: I will say, one-

Arnie: Are lots of people getting hurt playing Mittens?

Larry: Yes.

Usidore: Yes.

Larry: Yes.

Usidore: Oh yes.

Larry: It's a big issue, and we're taking it very seriously at the Foon Mittens League, and don't think that we're not. But, I will say, Usidore-

Usidore: Mmm, yes?

Larry: That I had an occasion to have brunch, maybe a month or two ago, with a man that of course you know, named Sam Stout.

Usidore: Ah yes, oh!

Larry: Okay? Now, Sam Stout is one of probably the 10, 15 best Hillsmen in the world. Sam Stout, when he was in college, tried out for the Mittens team. Not only did he not make the Mittens team, he was not allowed to be the manager of the Mittens team.

Usidore: Oooh.

Larry: And Sam Stout went, and he trained, and he trained, and he became - his name was not Sam Stout at the time, his name was Sam...I think it was uh...Stotlanberg?

Usidore: Ah.

Larry: Something Jewish.

Arnie: [chuckles]

Larry: But uh, my- what I remember is, he came back, and he was, he trained for years, I'm not sure exactly w-

Usidore: This is an inspiring story, please continue.

Larry: Yes, so, today-

Chunt: [chuckles]

Arnie: [laughing] I have so many questions, but keep going, keep going, keep going.

Larry: Well today, Sam Stout is one of the greatest players, and he, the man did not play in a professional mittens league match until he was 33 years old.

Usidore: Amazing.

Larry: Today he's, I think he's a 7 time All-Star, wonderful brunch companion-

Chunt: His cloak was retired, right?

Larry: Yes, his cloak was retired.

Chunt: Number 4500?

Larry: 4500, by the Daggerdale Blazehounds. And so uh, he's never allowed- I don't know if you know how jersey retirements work, do you know?

Arnie: Uh, in my world, yeah, basically you just cannot use someone's number again? Or-

Larry: No.

Arnie: Maybe I'm wrong.

Larry: N- well, maybe, I'm not sure. If you retire a jersey here, what it means is: you take a jersey, okay? You write a number on the back of it that's different from a regular number, this one had 4500 I believe, and you run, and everyone chases you. And if anyone gets you for an hour, they're allowed to just pummel the heck out of you.

Usidore: Yes.

Larry: Just beat you as hard as you can. If, however, you run and no one is able to catch you for a full hour, then you are put into what is called the Circle of Fame. And there's only about 100 people, it's 93 people, that have ever been in the Circle of Fame. And Sam Stout had his jersey retirement celebration run, I guess, a year ago? Yeah. Yes.

Usidore: Yes.

Larry: About a year ago.

Usidore: Yes, about a year ago

Arnie: How many people have had failed jersey retirement runs?

Larry: Well, thousands.

Arnie: [astonished] Thousands!

Larry: Most people don't get more than, I'd say, twenty seconds. I mean, anyone can catch you.

Usidore: Yes.

Larry: Anyone!

Arnie: Anyone, anywhere?

Larry: Anyone!

Usidore: And just- And just-

Larry: I mean, a creature, a beast, anyone, they can-

Usidore: And just think of the revenge the birds want to enact.

Larry: Ugh.

Usidore: Yes.

Larry: Yes.

Arnie: So, I have a question for you, Larry Birdman. You-

Larry: Yes?

Arnie: You seem to have a lot of unhappiness with the sport of Mittens-

Larry: Well, the rules are terrible.

Arnie: What, what lead you to, to become the commissioner?

Larry: Well, you know, I [sighs] I see myself as a visionary. I was myself, I guess you don't know this, it's kind-of embarrassing and I don't mean to brag, but I'm probably the greatest mittens player. Uh, well...I dunno. Top, top 5.

Arnie: Mm-hmm.

Larry: Uh...well, top, top 20 is non-controversial, I'll do that, top 20. And I myself was a Baskin, and uh, I really hated, uh, the amount of abuse that I took, and I thought it was unnecessary, because, y'know, there I was, once, y'know, being carried across, holding a plant, fighting, y'know, eyes gouged, all sorts of spells cast against me, and in my defense, uh, hand-to-hand combat, eating unbelievably, disgustingly hot items, as you're required to-

Arnie: [laughing] Wha?

Larry: All sorts of, uh, you know, uh...immersion therapy, foreign language skills learned...All these things that I had to do, month after month after month after month, to try to get that plant across that line 2000 yards away, and then, y'know, someone would catch a bird, and we'd lose. And so, imagine the frustration.

Arnie: [laughing] Sure!

Larry: Imagine the frustration! And so, uh, when I-

Arnie: Did you ever consider just...focusing on catching birds yourself?

Larry: Well that's what, probably, 29 of our 31 players are doing at any given time, is focused up on the birds. We've got wizards disintegrating birds, we've got other people trying to catch birds, it's-

Chunt: And you better believe, the commentators would just be like, "Look at the one person not catching birds, Birdman!" Like it's-

Arnie: Yeah.

Larry: [laughs] Yeah.

Chunt: It was a big, uh, it was a big joke.

Larry: That's right, it's really frustrating.

Usidore: But your technique was, may I say, perhaps the greatest that ever existed. For instead of holding the plant-

Larry: Yes.

Usidore: -in a single hand, [whispers] he grasped it with both!

Larry: Yes. We called it the two h-, we called it the two, 'Two In The Hand Is Worth One In The Bird'.

Arnie: [snickers]

Usidore: [normally] It was incredible, it...it transformed the entire game!

Larry: Yes. Now everyone's holding the plant with two hands. Before I carried it with- and I will tell you, this is a story I- you've probably heard this. The first time I carried the plant with two hands? Was a mistake.

Usidore: Ah yes, yes!

Arnie: Didn't mean to!

Larry: Didn't mean to carry it with two hands.

Usidore: Amazing, amazing.

Larry: Had it in one hand, had my other hand out there doing, the things you would normally do, you know, blocking spells, shaking hands of elites, you know, a lot of high-fiving, um-

Usidore: Foreign language flashcards.

Larry: Foreign language flashcards, of course, cooking fritatas, all the things a Baskin used to do with his off-hand, just doing anything he could to distract, or delay, or push forward. And wouldn't you know it, but I saw a friend of mine in the crowd. And I looked over, and I raised the potted plant, and it started to fall, and I reached up and grabbed it with the other hand, and, just silence. Silence immersed, you know, the pitch, everyone was shocked, no one had every seen it. And I found that it is easier to hold an item in two hands...than to hold it in one!

Chunt: [lets out a held breath]

Usidore: Incredible, incredible! Before that, you know, a Hillsman could come along and just bat the flower right out of your hand.

Larry: Yes.

Usidore: Or cast a spell at it.

Arnie: So, we're running out of time-

Larry: Oh.

Arnie: But before we go, I was wondering like, so now that the Cavalcade is done-

Larry: Yes.

Arnie: What will you do during the off-season?

Larry: Oh, well in April we have the Reap, where people will be conscripted to play for their Mittens teams. Used to be a Draft-

Arnie: Uh-huh.

Larry: -now it has to be a Reap because people are very worried about the Post-Concussive Syndrome problem. So the Reap will be-

Usidore: And only- And only about 30% of the people in the Reap live through that process, correct?

Larry: Uh, er yeah, I think that's a little generous, I think it's around 25-30%, but uh-

Usidore: Ahh.

Arnie: Phew!

Larry: -people are excited to be Reaped.

Arnie: [scoffs]

Larry: So, yeah, we'll have the Reap in April, new season will start back up, first game will start May 1st, hopefully that'll be done by May 15th, and uh, the next game starts as soon as the last one finishes, and then you go 'til Cavalcade Part II.

Arnie: Wow! Well, if I'm still here when the season starts again, and if Hogsface gets a team going again, I would absolutely love to see a game of mittens.

Larry: Well, terrific. Tickets are available at any given time, the field is huge, you can watch a lot of different ways, as I said earlier. If you want to do a Watch N' Pop let me know. But I uh, will hope to have a new fan!

[trill]

Arnie: All right, thank you so much, and thanks again Chunt and Usidore for being here. And thank you for listening, as always, please subscribe on iTunes and give us a positive review, give us a lot of stars. And email us with your questions at [email protected].

Chunt: But I don't turn into the genitals of whatever I'm...why would Matt DeMarco...?

Arnie: I don't know, that was a question that he- I mean, to be fair, from my world, we don't really understand how sexual skin changing works.

Chunt: Okay.

Larry: Oh Chunt, you're a shapeshifter?

Chunt: Yes.

Arnie: So-

Larry: Oh, I didn't get that earlier. You know, they're looking for a new Misselineus.

Chunt: Ooo!

Larry: On Hogface.

Chunt: Well, I-

Larry: And a shapeshifter would be pretty good!

Chunt: Lemme talk to you after the uh-

Larry: Absolutely.

Chunt: Yeah?

Arnie: All right, well uh, thanks so much for listening everybody, and we'll see you next week!

Usidore: Do they, do they need any Hillsman?

Chunt: Do you have Jews in your world?

Arnie: [quiet, helpless laughter]

[theme music]

[static]

Mysterious Man: And once again, we find that the takeaway lesson is that none of these things really happened. Usidore the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Badger was played by Adal Rafai. Special guest Larry Birdman was played by Rush Howell, who performs regularly with the show 3033. And the mysterious Burger King drive-thru operator was Max Temkin. Produced by Evan Jacover and Ryan DiGiorgi, edited by Ryan DiGiorgi. Last week was actually edited by Evan Jacover, and not Ryan DiGiorgi, but whatever, let's not linger in the past. Music by Andy Poland. Hello From the Magic Tavern logo designed by Allard Leban. Learn more about the show and learn about how it's not real, because it's fake, at hellofromthemagictavern.com. Or follow us on Twitter @magictavern. All of these fanciful imaginings were brought to you by Base Camp, with the help of the Chicago Podcast Cooperative. Learn more about Base Camp at basecamp.com, and the Chicago Podcast Cooperative at chicagopodcastcooperative.com. Sometimes, I can concentrate on an object and make it burst into flames.

[static]

[theme music end]

#Arnie #Chunt #Usidore #Larry Birdman #s1e4 #Episode 4 - The FML #first mention: Mittens #hftmt

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magictaverntranscripts · 8 years ago

Text

Episode 3 - Flower

[static]

Mysterious Man: Know this - the podcast which follows is not real. But it is really sponsored by Inventables, the hardware store for designers. Learn more about Carvie, their new 3D carving machine, at inventables.com.

[theme song]

Arnie: Hello From the Magic Tavern!

[trill]

Arnie: A weekly podcast from the magical world of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp. I'm from Earth, the city of Chicago, and about three weeks ago I fell through a magical portal behind a Burger King, into the world of Foon. It's sort of a weird, medieval...land. How- would you guys describe it as a weird, medieval land?

Usidore: I don't know if I would categorize it as weird.

Chunt: I'd just say it's home.

Arnie: Ok. Well, it's a magical land, and uh, luckily I'm still getting a slight WiFi signal, still through the portal, from the Burger King. So I'm able to do a weekly podcast in the tavern, the Vermillion Minataur, in the land of Foon.

Chunt: Can I ask you something about WiFi?

Arnie: N-, I don't really...

Chunt: Here in Foon, WiFi is short for Witches' Fight. Is that...?

Arnie: It's not a witches' fight.

Chunt: Okay.

Arnie: Um, this is a podcast where I'm sort of interested in exploring...how Foon works, and things about Foon. I'm not really that interested in explaining stuff from my world to you guys, because-

Usidore: Well, I think your world sounds weird!

Arnie: Well, my world, I'm sure, is weird to you guys, but the people listening to this podcast will be in my world, and they don't really want to listen to me explain what WiFi is. But they do-, are really interested in the intricacies of Foon, so, uh, w-

Usidore: [sarcastic] Oh, I'm sorry you've found a place to stay and live here, and that you've been well taken-care of by your friend Chunt, and that you've found food and shelter here. What a weird place, what a terrible place for you to be!

Arnie: W- Why don't my two regulars introduce themselves. Uh, Usidore, why don't you introduce yourself.

Usidore: Well, Usidore, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephysius, Grand Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Ter'a'kus. The Elves know me as Fi'yang Y'aluk, the Dwarves know me as Zonan Hoogastangs, I am known in the Northeast as Gasmuanus Maestar. And I don't think that this place is weird!

Arnie: Do you always go through the full name? Do you ever like just introduce yourself with just part of it?

Usidore: Why would I do that?

Arnie: I don't know, do you have to get all the way to Zonen Hoobastank?

Usidore: Well of course I do, because I am Usidore, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephysious, Grand Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, CHAMPION OF THE GREAT HALLS OF TER'A'KUS! The Elves know me as Fi'yang Y'aluk, the Dwarves know me as Zonan Hoogastangs, in the Northeast, I am known as Gasmuanus Maestar, [whispering] and there may be other names you do not know yet!

Chunt: And I'm Chunt.

Arnie: This is Chunt.

Chunt: Yep! And I had an ex-girlfriend that used to call me Chunty. But those are the only two names I've ever gone by.

Arnie: And this is important for the listeners at home who haven't heard previous episodes, uh, Chunt is a talking badger!

Chunt: Yeah, I uh, well I'm not always, I am a shapeshifter. So currently I am in a-

Arnie: We don't need to go into-

Chunt: [hesitant] Mmm.

Arnie: I feel like we don't need to start every episode by talking about how you change forms.

Usidore: He does it through the act of coitus!

Arnie: We just always go right into talking about bestiality, right at the beginning of the podcast, I'm just-

Chunt: It's not bestiality if you're a...beast, when you're doing it.

Arnie: I suppose.

Usidore: It's just "ality".

Arnie: That's true. That's true. Okay, well I'm excited because we have a guest for this episode. It is, uh, someone has brought to our table, a potted plant. A talking flower!

Flower: Nyeah. My name is Flower, and I just, this is just who I am, and where I am, and sitting in this pot. I'm gonna' tell you that I don't always choose where I get to go. Half the time I'm asleep and then I wake up and I'm somewhere else so...that's cool.

Arnie: So people just move you, move your pot around?

Flower: Yeah, it's, it's a little intrusive? Like it's not what I would choose to do? But it's sort-of...my situation.

Arnie: I-, y'know, being new to Foon...how c-, how common is it for plants to talk?

Usidore: I once knew a grapevine that uh, that liked to do a crossword, but it did not speak.

Arnie: Did it gossip?

Usidore: Yes! Of course it did! It would put little clues in the crossword that told you things about the people who had been making the wine.

Chunt: A crossword is a puzzle we have here, where it's sort-of, uh-

Usidore: Yes, I'm sorry, I should have explained that.

Chunt: Words acro-, uh, horizontally, and-

Flower: Goes up and down-

Chunt: Yeah, and vertically-

Flower: And there's clues-

Arnie: Yeah, I'm, we have crosswords in my world, so...

Chunt: Oh!

Flower: Oh.

Usidore: [sarcastic] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought everything here was so weird!

Arnie: [laughing] It is weird!

Usidore: [sarcastic] Well apparently crosswords are perfectly normal!

Arnie: It's a little surprising that you have crosswords.

Usidore: [grunts]

Arnie: Like, give me an example of a crossword clue that you would do on a regular crossword-

Chunt: Hey Arnie? Uh...I'd just be careful to not...I'm not sure how things are where you're from? But don't piss off a wizard?

Arnie: Okay...

Chunt: 'Cause, so far you've called our world weird...

Arnie: Is that-?

Chunt: He's taken great offense, and...I'd just be careful...to not piss of a wizard.

Arnie: I'm sor-, uh, I, uh, w-, I think maybe where I come from, the word "weird" is a little devalued, and we throw it around a little bit? Like I'm sorry if "weird" is like, a...borderline offensive term here.

Flower: What's it gonna' take for a flower to get a drink around here?

Usidore: Oh...

Arnie: Oh! I'm sorry, what do you...d-, do you want some water?

Flower: Nah, just like, red wine.

Arnie: Red wine...

Flower: Like...

Arnie: Okay, yeah, totally.

Flower: A full-bodied red wine.

Arnie: A full-bodied red wine?

Flower: Yes, pour it on m-

Usidore: BARKEEP! A RED WINE HERE!

Flower: Thank you. Pour it on my roots.

Arnie: Uh, okay, great! So, uh, so I'm sorry, I apologize about...uh, calling Foon weird. Uh, it's, um...fascinating. It's a fascinating world.

Usidore: Ahh, yes, it is fascinating, yes.

Arnie: So let's learn more about our fascinating guest, so Flower?

Flower: Nyeah?

Arnie: W-, uh, what is your...story?

[silence]

Arnie: I'm a really good interviewer, by the way.

Flower: You're doin' great, that's why I need the wine, because I'm so fuckin' fascinated-

Arnie: Whoa!

Flower: -with everything you're say- what?

Arnie: No, no, that's uh...that's great. I was just...I wasn't expecting- You're just such a beautiful little flower-

Flower: Yeah...

Arnie: I just wasn't expecting that language.

Flower: Cool...Maybe you should put your eyes somewhere else, because you're really makin' me uncomfortable, you're creepin' me out man, just chill the fuck out!

Arnie: Oh, okay...[chuckling] Okay.

Flower: [whispered] Jesus.

Chunt: Uh, Arnie, real quick? Um...I wouldn't piss off a...a talking flower.

Arnie: ...On the, on like the hierarchy of things-

Chunt: Wizard and flower?

Arnie: Wizard and flower, like how...is it more dangerous to piss of a flower, than a wizard?

Usidore: No.

Chunt: Lemme put it like this, you see that stein you're drinking out of?

Arnie: Mm-hmm.

Chunt: That used to be a guy that pissed off Usidore.

Arnie: Holy...but I still don't understand what the consequences of pissing off a flower were...

Flower: Let's just say that I will...destroy you in ways that are emotional...

Arnie: Oh god-[laughs]

Usidore: I would say the order of things you do not want to piss off in Foon would be, wizard, dragon, flower-

Flower: Yeah.

Usidore: Monkey-

Chunt: Chunt.

Usidore: Real-estate agent.

Arnie: Flower is...w-, okay, I have a couple-

Usidore: Chunt, yes, Chunt should be on there-

Arnie: Couple, couple of follow-up questions. One, flower seems awfully high to be [laughs] I'm sorry. I, you know, you can't even control where you are! If I'm, there's any danger of me being attacked by a flower, I'd just move you to the other side of the tavern.

Flower: You ever have someone say something to you and had it upset you so deeply like years later, you can't get over it? That's the kind of shit I'm gonna' do to you.

Arnie: O...kay, god-

Flower: I'll take you down from the inside.

Usidore: I suppose, Arnold, that you're the type of person-

Arnie: I prefer Arnie.

Usidore: Who'd...[exasperated] I suppose you're the type of person who does not want the beauty of a flower in your life. If you anger a flower, you take the chance that that beauty is sucked out of your life, that the very...wonder of this world, the very magic of the world that [sarcastic] you find so weird, [normally] will be stricken from your eyes. Do you want every flower that you walk past to wilt? To close its petals so you cannot see it? Yes, maybe it won't attack you, or eat your face, or burn you alive, or turn you into a stein...But, pissing off a flower is a great offense here.

Arnie: Okay. I...I humbly apologize.

Flower: It's okay, I'm not pissed off yet, but I'm also not drunk yet, so uh, maybe we should get that happening.

Usidore: Ah, here, your wine has just arrived, let me...

Flower: Thank youuuu.

Usidore: -just pour the wine.

Chunt: I think we should probably...if I...may suggest...play a quick round of Dragon's Talon? Just a game to put everyone at ease...

Usidore: Ah, yes, sounds wonderful.

Flower: I like it.

Chunt: If you're not sure what Dragon's Talon is, we just go around and we each say a compliment about one another.

Arnie: Okay, that's a game?

Chunt: It's a technique used, it's, children play it as a game, but adults use it as a technique to diffuse situations where one or more parties are upset.

Usidore: As you travel along the road here, you come in contact with many creatures and beings from other parts of the realm, and you must play this game in order to gain their trust and, and build community.

Arnie: So it's like an icebreaker.

Chunt: It's just so, when you meet-

Usidore: An ice breaker...

Chunt: -someone new, you pay them a compliment, they pay you a compliment, it just sort-of says, you know-

Usidore: I don't see what-

Chunt: We're fri-, you know, there's, we have no quarrel with you.

Flower: Yeah, there's no need to break ice.

Usidore: Yes, what does breaking ice have to do with it?

Flower: You just wanna' drown everybody here?

Arnie: I don't, I, I don-

Chunt: Breaking ice...

Arnie: I'm sorry, the things from my world, I don't wanna spend a lot of time explaining. It's just an expression we have for what you just described. Ice- an icebreaker.

Usidore: An ice breaker...

Flower: That's stupid as fuck.

Usidore: An ice...breaker...

Arnie: Well let-, let's play Dragon's Talon. All right, so we just go around, how do, what order do we go, do you mind starting Chunt?

Chunt: I'll start, yeah. Uh, so Usidore, I think-

Usidore: [harrumphs]

Chunt: I think you have...eyes like a hurricane. I think your eyes are like, the most beautiful, hazel green I've ever seen.

Usidore: I thank you greatly for this, Chunt, and DO BELIEVE IT IS TRUE FOR I CAN CALL THE VERY POWERS OF THE WINDS TO MY COMMAND!

Chunt: ...Flower, I think your petals, the way they're arranged-

Flower: Yeah...

Chunt: -is just very aesthetically pleasing.

Flower: Thank you.

Chunt: Arnie...

Arnie: Mm-hmm?

Chunt: You...

Arnie: Yeah?

Chunt: Have been...sleeping in 'til two p.m.? [laughs]

Arnie: ...Yeah? [laughs] And?

Chunt: That's a compliment.

Arnie: That...is...well...thank you. I'll take that.

Usidore: I shall go next.

Arnie: Okay, Usidore?

Usidore: Chunt, I find that your...pelt is glossy and full and very attractive.

Arnie: Hm.

Chunt: I accept, thank you.

Usidore: If I were not a wizard, born of birds and wind and fire, then I would make love to you myself.

Chunt: Well, then I'd become a wizard, and that would be a great, great honor.

Usidore: Flower...

Flower: Yeah.

Usidore: I find your...attitude quite tenacious. For one trapped in a flower plant to speak her mind so freely is, is truly inspiring.

Flower: Uh, I mean, I guess thank you? Except I don't consider myself "trapped" in a flower plant, I'm, I am a flower...

Usidore: Oh, well you did say that people did move you around.

Flower: They do move me around, that is true.

Usidore: I'm, I'm s-

Flower: And now I know, I didn't look at myself that way, you're making me take a look at my own self, and that's something I don't do a lot, so thank you.

Usidore: You're very welcome.

Flower: Nyeah.

Usidore: Arnold...

Arnie: Mm-hmm?

Usidore: I like your shirt.

Arnie: ...Thank you. ...That's-

Chunt: We broke ice!

Arnie: Great [laughs] We did, we did break ice. Is it my turn?

Chunt: Mm-hmm.

Arnie: Okay, uh, Chunt, you've been very generous to let me stay with you in your hovel, since, you know, I have no money or anything here in Foon, I really appreciate you being such a great host.

Chunt: Sure, your company is payment enough.

Arnie: Oh, great-

Chunt: For-

Arnie: Fantastic-

Chunt: For now.

Arnie: Usidore, I...have never met a wizard before, and I'm just impressed...by your general wizardry. Usidore: Ah, [grumbles] thank you.

Arnie: Ummm, Flower?

Flower: Nyeah.

Arnie: You soaked up that wine so fast! I-

Flower: Mama, mama needs another one.

Arnie: Okay, Usidore-

Usidore: BARKEEP ANOTHER WINE!!

Arnie: I just, where I come from, you know, I'm from Chicag-, the land of Chicago is a drinking town, so I really appreciate how quickly you can belt down that wine.

Flower: Yeah. ...It feels good...everywhere, it goes through my whole...system.

Arnie: So like, it just kinda', how quickly does the wine get to your...brain?

Flower: I...I don't know, I don't, you know, it just feels good, and if you wanna do somethin' that feels good, you should be able to do it without people figuring it out, like how it works. I don't tell you how you...sit on...yourself [whispers] stupid piece of shit.

Usidore: I agree with you, Flower, if something-

Flower: [whispers] Fuckin' stupid...

Usidore: Feels good, you should do it.

Flower: Yeah, mm-hmm

Usidore: You are absolutely correct. You know what would feel good? [whispers]...Defeating the Dark Lord.

Arnie: Usidore-

Usidore: Would you join me in my quest to defeat the Dark Lord?!

Arnie: He's always, he's got a quest that he's trying to get people to...

Usidore: No one? All right, well let's move on-

Arnie: Look-

Usidore: -let's finish the game, let's just finish the game!

Flower: Okay.

Arnie: Usidore, and I'm so-, I do wanna finish the game, have you had any success in the last few weeks getting anyone on your team of adventurers to go fight the Dark Lord?

Usidore: I...I w-, uh, how do you-, how do you categorize success? I find myself to be very successful, perhaps, I, you know, it's not exactly what uh...my creators had in mind when they created me, and then sometimes perhaps when I speak to them, they seem disappointed with where I have landed in my wi-, er wi-, wer-, er, wizarding career.

Arnie: Mmm.

Usidore: But uh, I would say overall...you can't compare yourself to other wizards, [laughs] you know? If you look at, like, uh, let's say uh...Spintax the Green.

Chunt: Oooh.

Usidore: Yes, Spintax, he, [sputters] w- yes, everyone knows Spintax is a wonderful wizard...

Flower: Everybody knows Spintax.

Usidore: Everybody knows Spintax, he's defeated some...amazing foes in his time, but uh, you know, everyone has their own journey...

Arnie: Okay, well let's uh, okay, so uh, Flower, it's your turn-

Flower: Yeah, I got stuff to say. [sighs] I'm uh, I'm gonna' just be honest with everybody, because as I said I just sit here and take it all in, and I look at everybody, and I've got opinions, like a lot of opinions, and like, I'm just gonna' say what I think about you. It might be a compliment, it might not, I don't know the difference because I'm a flower.

Arnie: Uh...Just to be clear, I think the point of the game is compliments, right?

Chunt: ...Well, the game can change...

Usidore: She- yes, and she clearly said that she's a flower, so she doesn't know the difference between compliments and, and, and insults.

Arnie: Okay, I'm just-

Flower: I just know what I say and how I feel.

Arnie: Okay, okay.

Chunt: Arnie, you have a lot to learn about giving and receiving respect, and right now you're being...kind-of a dick.

Arnie: I-

Usidore: Do you expect a flower to understand the concept of WHAT IS INSULTING AND WHAT IS NOT???

Arnie: Okay, okay! Flower, please, please...

Flower: Yeah, okay. Chunt?

Chunt: Mm-hmm?

Flower: You seem like you've seen a lot fo sadness

Chunt: Aw, thank you. [laughs]

Arnie: [laughs] Thank you.

Chunt: ...I've been told I have sad eyes.

Usidore: Seems like an accurate observation.

Flower: Yeah, like you've seen sadness,and then it just reflects back at you all the time, that you just...that's just what I think of you.

Chunt: That is the most...cutting to the core statement and...truth-filled observation I've ever received, thank you so much, Flower.

Flower: Yeah, you don't have to like...butter me up for that shit. Like I'll just say it-

Chunt: Okay.

Flower: You can just take it.

Chunt: Great. Um-

Arnie: [in awe] Wow, you see people.

Flower: Yeah...fuckin' flower. Usidore-

Usidore: Ah, I fear what comes next.

Flower: I think you...I think you have a great hill to climb.

Chunt: Literally or figuratively?

Flower: I don't know.

Chunt: [snickers]

Usidore: ...I...I do live at the top of a hill.

Flower: I can tell. You look tired, but like you have more to do.

Usidore: Mmm.

Flower: And so you have a hill to climb.

Arnie: You seem really sad about living at the top of a hill.

Flower: Nobody likes living at the top of a hill.

Arnie: Okay, do me next.

Flower: Arnie...you process air somewhat efficiently.

[silence]

Chunt: [muttering] ...Tell her...thank you.

Arnie: Thank you...

Flower: You're welcome.

Arnie: I do, I do process air fairly efficiently, would you-

Flower: Somewhat.

Arnie: Somewhat-

Flower: Not like...there's more you could be doing.

Arnie: Sure. Thank you for the oxygen?

Usidore: Well you and Chunt do create the very air that is shared here with this flower, [mutters] wizarding, no?

Flower: I wanna' know how I could kill myself right now.

Arnie: Oh god! [laughs]

Chunt: Ooohhh.

Usidore: Oh, oh...

Flower: I'm so. Miserable.

Chunt: Well, here we go, this is um...[sighs] This is it. I mean if, if a flower ever- In our land, if a flower wants to kill itself, you have to assist it.

Flower: I wanna' kill myself [laughing] every day.

Arnie: Wait- [laughing] Assist it in dying?

Usidore: Yes.

Chunt: You have to, it's the law-

Usidore: Honor-

Chunt: it's magical law, you have to assist-

Usidore: "Honor the want of a flower."

Chunt: -the want of a flower. So if, if Flower wants to die, we have to assist her in her journey to-

Flower: You can try, I've tried so many times...

Usidore: Flower, how would you like to die?

Flower: Just like, end it, man.

Arnie: I...I gotta' say, it's probably not that hard.

Flower: [laughing] It's-

Chunt: [aghast] What?

Flower: Harder than you thi-, I've tried!

Arnie: I mean, like, emotionally-

Chunt: Why would you say that?

Arnie: Emotionally, like, killing another thing is hard but, but like, [laughing] you're just a fragile little flower in a pot!

Flower: [gasps] Oh my god...

Chunt: Don't just rip off her petal you-

Flower: Oh my g-,

Chunt: What are you do-

Flower: You know what, I don't wanna die anymore, I wanna see you fuckin suffer you piece of shit!

Arnie: I mean...

Flower: Are you kiddin me?

Arnie: ...that's good?

Flower: Are you kiddin' me?

Arnie: [whispers] I saved her!

Usidore: Uh, I don't know if that's true, you've...given her a purpose to go on, but her purpose now is to destroy you in kind.

Flower: I'm gonna' follow you everywhere, I'm gonna' find you...

Arnie: I, you- look. I'm so sorry if I hurt your feelings, I...you're not gonna' be able to follow me.

[silence]

Arnie: [laughing] You're not gonna' be able to follow me! You will need help. You'll need a lot of help to follow me. I can walk across this room right now, and you cannot follow me.

Usidore: Flower, this I swear to you. Wherever Arnold does go, I shall take you-

Arnie: It's Arnie...

Usidore: And you shall be right there! For I am Usidore, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephysius, Grand Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Ter'a'kus. The Elves know me as Fi'yang Y'alok. The Dwarves know me as Zoonin Hoogastangs-

Arnie: Hoobastank...

Usidore: -And I am known in the Northeast as Gasmuenus Maestar, why did you speak in the middle of me saying my name?

Arnie: Just the Hoobastank one, I...

Chunt: Do you ha-, where you come from, if someone wants to kill themselves, are you not obligated to assist them?

Arnie: No! Well, I mean, it's a very complicated issue where I come from. You are not obligated to help them.

Usidore: Sounds "weird".

Arnie: You should-

Chunt: Yeah, your place sounds weird.

Arnie: [laughs] It is, it is weird. So here, if someone wants to die, you just have to immediately-

Flower: Nah, just a flower.

Arnie: Just a flower.

Chunt: Just when a flower wants to die.

Arnie: I...[sighs]...I'm sorry, I feel like...I'm...I've been doing a pretty good job in Foon so far, like, I'm a stranger in a strange land-

Chunt: Pretty high praise from a self assessment.

Arnie: [laughs]

Flower: Are you playin' the game by yourself, you're just givin' yourself a compliment?

Chunt: Yeah.

Arnie: Well you know what, no-, you know what-

Chunt: Do you know how rude it is to-

Arnie: -let's talk about that game! No one gave me a compliment!

Flower: Everybody gave you a compliment!

Chunt: Nice shirt, sleeping until-

Usidore: I said I liked your shirt!

Arnie: All right, they were very shitty compliments.

Chunt: Wow.

Usidore: I would wear that shirt!

Arnie: Look you, Usidore and Chunt, you were practically having sex with each other, you're going on and on about like, how great each other looked.

Usidore: Um- I do think...

Chunt: Is there something wrong with sex?

Arnie: There's nothing wrong with sex!

Usidore: It's a beautiful, natural act...

Arnie: Look. I've been, it's been a- I know I put on a brave face, but it's been kinda' hard being away from home, and I think I'm doing a decent job of adjusting, and for some reason I just have gotten on the wrong side of this flower, and it's w-

Flower: You want me to sing you a song?

Arnie: Yeah. That would be nice.

Flower: [singing] You are so stupid [laughs]

Arnie: That's a- You can stop.

Flower: [singing and laughing] You are a piece of shit...

Usidore: Flower, Flower...

Flower: I think it's funny...

Usidore: Flower, i must interv-

Flower: [laughs]

Usidore: I must intervene here.

Flower: Why?

Usidore: Arnold has bared his soul to us-

Arnie: Arnie.

Usidore: Arnold. ...He has bared his soul to us, and I shall rise to the call. Yes! Arnold, we will help you kill yourself!

Arnie: [laughs] No! That's not, that's not what I was asking.

Usidore: Oh. You sure?

Arnie: Yeah.

[trill]

Arnie: All right, you know what? I think uh-

Usidore: Not too late...

Arnie: I think it's about time that we wrap things up. ...So here's uh...Usidore, Chunt, thank you so much for being back, and you're welcome back every week and I hope that you come back every week for the podcast. Flower?

Flower: Nyeah?

Arnie: When this is done [laughing] I'm going to throw you off a cliff.

Chunt: That would...good!

Arnie: Right?

Chunt: That's what she wants!

Arnie: Yes! That's what she wants!

Flower: I fuckin' love it!

Usidore: That was wonderful of you Arnie, thank you.

Arnie: So you will never- [chuckles] You will never see Flower again, 'cause I'm gonna' fucking [laughing] throw her off a cliff.

Usidore: Ah, don't count the flower out yet!

Arnie: [stammers]

Flower: I'd be fine with this, sounds fuckin' like a vacation I'd like to take.

Arnie: You're gonna' be dead. Or, shattered, stuck at the bottom of this cliff-

Flower: Wow, you really-

Arnie: Where you won't be able to get back to me! I-

Flower: No, you waited till the very end to just like, lay it all out, didn't you? Like, you just sat there all nice, like we're playin' like we're friends, and then at the very end your whole plan comes out!

Arnie: [laughing] I am going to throw you off a cliff. I'm sorry, you drunk flower. Who's paying for your drinks, by the way?

Flower: Everybody loves me...

Arnie: No. [laughs] All right. Okay. Well, thanks so much for listening everybody. Before we go, uh, I wanna', please ask that if you haven't subscribed to this podcast on iTunes, give us a review, give us some stars. And also, um, you know, I'm having some trouble with my email, uh, the, I guess maybe there's the firewall from the Burger King that I'm getting the WiFi from. It blocks most sites, so I haven't been able to get into contact with people in my life. I have, however, been able to set up a new email account, at, uh, the new email is [email protected]. That was just the only [laughs] that was just the only thing that I could get. I swear it is real, no one has responded to my emails so far-

Chunt: Have you contacted your wife yet?

Arnie: I'm trying to email my wife, I'm assuming she doesn't recognize the email address, it's probably going to her SPAM account, but...[stammers] Sara, if you're listening, please, if you get an email from [email protected], it's from me. Also, if you would like to email us, and ask us some questions about the world of Foon, please do, and email us at [email protected]. I know it's not a common .com or .net or .org, but it is a real email address, [email protected]. Thank you so much, everyone, for being here, except for Flower, who I'm going to throw off a fucking cliff.

[theme music]

[static]

Mysterious Man: Well, what a fanciful bit of imagining that was! But remember, it's all pretend. Arnie Niekamp plays Arnie. Matt Young is Usidore the Wizard. Adal Rifai is Chunt. And Flower was played by special guest Brooke Breit, who performs all over the land of Chicago, including at Second City, The Annoyance, and with iO Chicago's World News Tonight. This entire fantastical scenario is produced by Evan Jacover and Ryan DiGiorgi, and edited by Ryan DiGiorgi. When music is called for, Andy Poland supplies it. If you're the type of person that likes to gather volumes of information on pretend subjects, visit www.hellofromthemagictavern.com, or learn more on Twitter @magictavern. All of these sweeping untruths were sponsored by Inventables, with help from the Chicago Podcast Cooperative. Learn more about Inventables at inventables.com, and the Chicago Podcast Cooperative at chicagopodcastcoop.com

[static]

[theme music end]

#Arnie #Chunt #Usidore #Flower #s1e3 #Episode 3 - Flower #first mention: Spintax the Green #hftmt

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magictaverntranscripts · 8 years ago

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Episode 2 - Tom the Traveler

[static] Mysterious Man: Be warned…the following podcast is not real, but it is really sponsored by Field Notes Brand, USA made memo books and other products, including seasonal limited editions. Visit fieldnotesbrand.com or 400 North May Street in Chicago. [static] [theme song] Arnie: Hello From the Magic Tavern! [trill] Arnie: In case you didn’t check out last week’s episode, this is what you need to know. My name is Arnie, I’m from Chicago. I recently, about a week ago, fell through a portal behind a Burger King, into a magical land called Foon. Luckily, I had my podcasting equipment with me, and I’m still getting a very weak WiFi signal from the Burger King, I guess through that magical portal. I’ve decided to host a podcast every week in a tavern called the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogface. That’s pretty much all you need to know. I’m joined by three guests this week, uh, two of them are back from last week, Chunt, welcome back.

Chunt: Thanks for having me. Arnie: Good to see you. Usidore the Wizard, good to see you again. Usidore: Hello Arnold, it’s my pleasure to return. I must complete my quest to save the land of Foon. You know that the…import of this quest is greater than the import of any other thing that could possibly be happening right now in this realm. It is imperative that we gather our forces and find a way to defeat the Dark Lord before he takes over all of Foon and destroys life as we know it. But who’s your other guest today? Arnie: Oh, I forgot to mention that Chunt is a talking badger. Usidore: I think that’s fairly obvious. Arnie: Well, I know you guys don’t necessarily understand- Usidore: Uh, Chunt sounds like a changeling name to me. That doesn’t seem like a changeling name to you? Arnie: Uh, I don’t - I’m not familiar with what a changeling name would sound like. But you know what- Usidore: What are changelings called in your world? Arnie: I…I don’t know, like, uh…Gavin? Usidore: Gavin… Chunt: Gavin… Arnie: I’m just guessing. We don’t really have changelings in my world. Usidore: [aghast] What? Arnie: My world is…not as magical and interesting as Foon. [pause] I mean we- Chunt: So, if a man has sex with a shark, he turns into…? Usidore: Yes, what does he turn into? Arnie: [laughs] A dead man, first of all. Usidore: A dead man? Arnie: Ok, you know, I think we covered a lot of the sort-of bestiality stuff pretty thoroughly last week, maybe let’s- Usidore: Bestiality… Arnie: -turn our focus to our new guest this week, Tom the Traveler. Tom: Hello. I’m Tom the Traveler, and I couldn’t be less important. I’m just a traveler who goes from town to town, I’ve joined up with a theater group, the Cockticklers. Arnie: The Cockticklers. Tom: Indeed. Arnie: What is…what is the origin of the name The Cockticklers. Tom: [laughs] There is a funny scene in our current show, without giving anything away, where Lawrence takes his fingers and tickles a cock onstage. Arnie: [stifling laughter] Tom: Feathers fly- Arnie: Oh, ok. Tom: The audience laughs- Usidore: It sounds like a wonderful family show! Tom: Indeed. And the pennant that shows our emblem is a man just…tickling his cock. Arnie: [laughing] Really? Tom: Yes. But I’m a new member to the troupe, I’m a traveling man, I go from town to town. I’m dirty and common and I love it. Usidore: Yes, yes. Chunt: Oh, look at the sacks he’s wearing, he’s clearly poor. Usidore: Yes, he’s very common. [lip smacking] Sorry for the sound, just lighting my big, uh, pipe. Tom: I’ve spent all my life in taverns like this. Just dirty, in with all the dirty folk- Usidore: Mm-hmm Tom: I’ve never been served or had any kind of station. I love just being with regular people. Arnie: Tom, I’m just excited to have a traveler on the podcast, someone who’s seen a little bit more of Foon than just Hogface, someone that’s very worldly of this world, like what are some of the parts of this world that you’ve seen. Tom: The Northwest. Arnie: Oooo. Tom: Southwest. Arnie: Wow. Tom: Southeast. Arnie: Huh. Usidore: But definitely not the Northeast? Tom: [pause] No, I’ve not been to the Northeast. Usidore: You certainly didn’t travel here on the Overlander’s Road? Tom: [stammers] Arnie: Now, is the Overlander’s Road, is that one of the names of…? Usidore: Yes, that’s one of the names of Steward’s Path, but it’s well known in the Northeast as the Overlander’s Road. [smoking pipe] Tom: I don’t know anything about the Northeast. I’m just a traveler. Usidore: Yes, yes, well of course you are, of course you are. [muttering] Arnie: So, what made you decide that you wanted to get into traveling and acting? Tom: Well, I’m part of a theater troupe as I told you. Arnie: Mm-hmm, [simultaneously] The Cockticklers. Tom: [simultaneously] The Cockticklers. And…we don’t make much money at all. We just go from town to town bringing smiles to the faces of young children. Arnie: Mmm. Tom: But then sometimes, we do corporate gigs. Which is where we’re hired by the local constabulary to perform a tragedy that bears resemblance to a murder, and then hopefully the person who performed that murder will become guilty during the play itself. Arnie: So you act out the details of this murder, and hopefully someone in the audience will be overwhelmed with guilt [laughs] having seen- Chunt: What’s the percentage of…guilt-stricken admitters? Usidore: Yes. Tom: Well, do you know how when you’ve done a murder, and then you see a play- Usidore: Yes. Tom: -about that same kind of murder. Usidore: Yes. Tom: You have to stand up and shout, “Light! Light, give me some light!” Usidore: Yes. Tom: So, if we can just get the murderer to- Usidore: Do you know that feeling, Chunt? Chunt: I’ve only murdered while I was in my animal form, so I’ve never been…you know, arrested. Because you know, if a weasel kills another weasel, or a hawk kills another hawk- Arnie: Mm-hmm Chunt: Nobody… Usidore: It’s not considered… Chunt: I’ve never killed a man. I’ve never killed a man. Arnie: Are we…how many of us here are murderers? Chunt: I… Tom: When you travel, you have to kill. But I’m a traveler, and I’m an artist. Arnie: Is it difficult doing these plays where you get the details of the murder, where you’re like, “Okay, gotta’ remember, all right, Gary’s the murderer, and everyone thinks there’s something funny about…Gwendolyn, she does this thing, so we definitely gotta’ get that into the murder play-” Tom: If you do it wrong, you don’t get the confession. But I"m new to it, so… Usidore: Tomblain, may I call you Tom? Tom: Yes. Usidore: Tom, if you weren’t already part of this troupe, what have you been doing before this? What have you been spending your time doing? Tom: I was a…I was a washer of things. Usidore: A washer of things! Tom: Yes, I would go to the stream, and just wash, and travel. I’ve never had a care in the world. Usidore: What sort of things did you wash? Arnie: So you started as a washer of things, and then you segued into cocktickling. Tom: Yes? Arnie: That’s sort of the normal…? Chunt: How does one become a theater performer in your world? Usidore: One must experience life. Chunt: Hmm? Arnie: Well no, I mean, in my world you basically just pay some money, you take some classes, uh…usually a series of classes, um… Usidore: You mean to tell me that people pay good gold to take a class to learn to become a thespian? Arnie: Yeah. Sometimes, like, a strikingly large amount of money. Usidore: Seems like tomfoolery to me. Arnie: How does joining, how, how did joining The Cockticklers work, was there an apprenticeship program, or did you have to audition…? Tom: Well, they come through your town… Arnie: Mm-hmm. Tom: And if you’re lucky, you begin to apprentice with them. You go through a period of time where you’re learning their scenes, treading the boards of their stage, then come the five bees. After that, if you survive- Arnie: Wait, I’m sorry, could we [chuckling]…the five, what are the five bees? Tom: They’re kept in a jar with holes poked in the top. Chunt: Do you not have…bees? Arnie: We do have bees in my world. Usidore: Do you have the five bees? Tom: If you can survive being stung by the five bees- Usidore: Ah, yes. Tom: Then you’re welcome onstage. Usidore: It’s a well-known rite of passage for all- Chunt: A lot of people don’t know how the bees work. The five bees have a way of…selecting an actor. Usidore: Yes. Arnie: So…if you’re not an actor, you die? Tom: Yes. Arnie: Oh god! Tom: Stings can be lethal. Usidore: BUT THAT IS NOT CONSIDERED A MURDER! Tom: Indeed. I’m just a humble man, I look to go from town to town to keep my head out of trouble. Usidore: And, w-, what was the name of your hometown again that was definitely not in the Northeast? Tom: Sc…rr. Chunt: Scrr. Usidore: I ah yes, I know Scrr well. Chunt: Can I just say, as someone who has taken many forms, uh, Tom’s skin, your skin is just beautiful! How do you keep it so taut and moist? Tom: No it’s not, it’s covered in river dirt. Chunt: Well there’s dirt on it, but beneath it you can see just how well kept it, I mean it’s- Tom: What?? Usidore: I… Arnie: I have to admit, the dirt looks recently applied- Chunt: The sheen is just gorgeous. Arnie: It’s just kind of…almost cosmetically dappled. Tom: You’re…you’re cosmetically dappled, Arnor. Arnie: It’s Arnie. Tom: …‘cause that’s short for Arnor. Arnie: [chuckles] Arnor? Tom: Yeah, what’s… Arnie: It’s short, well look, it’s sho-…my name is Arnie, it’s short for Arnold. My parents named me Arnold. Tom: [amused] Arnold? Arnie: Arnold, which is- Tom: But, they meant Arnor… Arnie: I mean…it’s potato, potahto- Chunt: In Foon, Arnor was a great warrior, and how it works is, if you’re named after a great warrior you can only shorten your name if you double the feats that they had. Arnie: Really? Chunt: Mm-hmm Arnie: So I’m like, twice… Chunt: So you’re claiming that you’re twice as…proficient in quests and killings and tournaments as Arnor. Usidore: Aye, and that is why I have brought myself here. It is imperative that you join me in my quest to defeat the Dark Lord. Yea, that dark master, who is this dark- Chunt: Tom, your skin, I just can’t get over it, it is so- Usidore: It is so- Tom: Get over it. Usidore: It is opposite of the pure whiteness of the skin of this man, that darkness that doth exist within this- Tom: It’s normal skin. Usidore: [muttering] Arnie: Okay, Usidore seems like he’s going into a wizard’s trance, so we’re going to take a quick break to get ourselves some drinks, so please enjoy this brief, this brief break. [ad music] [static] Drive-Thru Worker: Hello, welcome to Burger King, would you like to try our ten-piece nuggets today? …Hello? …Hello? …I thought someone was there. I could have sworn…that is weird… [static] [ad music fades under Arnie’s voice] Arnie: Hey, welcome back to the Magic Tavern. I’m still with my guests Chunt, the talking badger, Usidore the Wizard, and Tom the Traveler who seems…I’m just going to put it out there, who seems a little suspicious? Tom: Just Tom, the traveler, Usidore: Yes, of course, Tom the Traveler! Nothing suspicious about that. Perhaps you know me better as Gasmuanus Maestar, as I’m known in the Northeast reaches of this land that you claim to not be from! Tom: Gasmuanus! Usidore: Yes. Tom: What are you doing here? Usidore: Well, I’ve traveled this world, trying to gather people to defeat the Dark Lord for our quest is the most important thing that has ever happened in Foon. But I know you, I look into your eyes and I read your very soul- Tom: You cannot tell my father that I’m here! Usidore: Ah, your father? Your father, Albain? Arnie: [gasps] Usidore: Yes? Arnie: I don’t know why I gasped. I don’t know who that is. Usidore: Yes! Tom: [breathing heavily] If my…my father is Albain Belaroth, King Albain of the Northeast. Usidore: You see here before you Tomblain Belaroth! The very prince of that land, yes. Tom: No longer! I am an artist now! I am the artist that was formally known as prince! Arnie: …uh… Chunt: Does that…does that make your mom…Titania? Tom: Yes…my mum is Queen Titania. Chunt: Oh my god, oh! The mead bags on Titania! Arnie: Really? Tom: [exasperated] Please- Chunt: Oh my GOD! Usidore: Her bosom is well known throughout the realm, yes. Arnie: Ah, wow. The way you’re describing this, you know, from my world, if…if you hear about an especially attractive woman, we have ways of immediately conjuring up an image of them, so you can be like, “Wow! That is exactly what that woman looks like!” But I- Usidore: You want me to conjure an image of her? Arnie: …Yeah! Usidore: I shall need the blood of a goat, I shall need [continues under Arnie and Tom] Tom: Don’t, no, don’t conjure- Arnie: Don’t- Tom: Don’t conjure anything to do with my mum! Arnie: Don’t kill a goat! Tom: I’ve run away from the Northeast, I don’t want to be King, I don’t want to join all this…crazy, sword fighting. Usidore: [in the distance] I need a goat! Tom: I just want to be a regular person. Arnor? Arnie: It’s Arnie. Tom: Arnor, have you ever been in love with someone that you couldn’t…have? Arnie: I mean, I’ve been in love… Tom: …And you couldn’t have her? Arnie: I mean, there was a brief time when I couldn’t have her. And then I guess, yes, I have been in love with women that weren’t interested in me back, so I guess…that’s a ver- Tom: I’m a prince, and I’m meant to wed a princess. But my eyes of love fell upon a milkmaid, Rhiannon. Arnie: …Rhiannon? Tom: Yes, Arnor, she moved like a bell in the night, but who would be her lover? Usidore: [straining noises] [goat bleating, being slaughtered] Usidore: …I’ll drain the blood from its neck, and then say the words - kero tarkeeeh fjyanieeeh - There’s an image of Titania. Arnie: Oh, whoa! Chunt: Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Arnie: Holy cow! Tom: She’s older than that now. Usidore: Yes, but still, she’s keeping it together. Tom: My father forbade me to wed Rhiannon. So I…packed up and left. I don’t want to be a prince anymore. Usidore: Tom…I realize that the weight of your station dost weigh heavily upon you, but this is a critical time. For you to leave your station means great doom. And it means that the Dark Master has an opportunity to take over, where he may not. You are needed in your post. Take your love, take her back with you, demand to marry her, and let her become one of the…one of the highborn such as you. Take her into your world. Tom: We would have to change all the rules. My father is…steadfast in his support of the Old Ways. Don’t you see, that’s why the Dark Lord gains power? It’s when we deny our love! Usidore: Yes, love is…is a great power that can o'ercome great evil. Everyone knows it, it’s a bit of a cliche, actually. Uh…you, Arnold… Arnie: Mm-hmm, Arnie, I prefer Arnie. Usidore: You mentioned that you had a great love as well? Tom: What was her name, Arnor? Chunt: Or his? Usidore: …Yes, we don’t judge here. Arnie: No, I, no, which would be totally fine- Usidore: Was it a shark? Arnie: [laughs] No, it was not a shark! No, it was not a shark, I’m actually - and this is - you know, I don’t want to dwell on it too much, because I want this show to be sort-of light, and informative, and interesting, but, you know, I’m…married. I have a wife. I have a wife and child back in Chicago, and… Usidore: Ah, yes! Arnie: And I haven’t seen them for a full week, and I’ve had no word on how they’re doing. Usidore: Aye… Chunt: Most likely moved on? Arnie: …I mean, it seems unlikely. I mean, this is a week- Usidore: You brought yourself here to escape the bonds of marriage! Arnie: I’m not intentionally here! I’m excited to be here, I’m excited to gather information about your world, but, you know, I’m very unha- I mean, I’m sad about not being with my family. Tom: So we are the same. We’ve both fled our life because of the walls that are placed around it. Arnie: I just want to be very clear that I did not flee…[stammers] Sara, if you’re listening to this back in my world, I’m not intentionally gone, I’m sure that you are really, uh, worried that you haven’t heard from me- Tom: Wait a minute, you have the opportunity to communicate with her, and you’ve just been talking to us, and this is the first time you’ve said anything to her? Arnie: No, well, she, I, she can he-, I’m doing, this is kind-of important work. No one in my world knows that this world exists- Tom: It’s okay to run away, Arnor. You must have created this rift with your mind. Arnie: I don’t think my mind can do that. Usidore: [laughs] You see, Tomblain, you’ve fallen into our trap! You could not run away from who you are any more than Arnold can! You must- Arnie: I prefer Arnie, Usidore: Uh…words have great power. You must take your position back! You must do whatever it is, you must become the man that shall lead Tom: I don’t want to be a prince, I want to be a Cocktickler! Usidore: If you are to be formerly known as prince, you must hide yourself more carefully. I suggest changing your name to an Elven symbol. Tom: Yes. I suppose. Arnie: This all sounds really familiar, are you sure you guys know nothing about my world? Tom: You must know of my father, the King in the Northeast. He of the Purple Cloak has lived eighty and one years. They say that the Purple Reign will never end. And yet- Arnie: I feel like this is happen- [laughing] I feel like this is happening on purpose. Usidore: What do you mean? Arnie: Well some of…It would be too hard for me to explain, but I feel like some of the things that you’re saying…seem to be adding up to… Chunt: To what? Tom: If there is indeed a rift between our two worlds, mayhap some information has trickled through? Usidore: Aye, and King Albion is well known for his feats throughout the land, he has lived long. It has been profecied that when he passes from this world into another that doves will cry and- Arnie: Now, see that- Usidore: In his time he has done so much to protect the realm, he has- Tom: He has done too much. And I do not wish to ascend to his throne. I do not wish to be a part of his New Power Generation, I wish to go on as my own person. Arnie: And wear like, a raspberry beret? Tom: What? Chunt: What? Usidore: What are you talking about? Arnie: And drive a little red corvette? Tom: What? Usidore: How do you know the Red Corsairs? Arnie: [chuckles] Well I, no- Usidore: His personal guard, the Red Corsairs. They’re all four feet tall, little Red Corsairs. Arnie: Yeah, they’re a bunch of sexy motherfuckers? Tom: What? Chunt: What? Usidore: Watch your language. Chunt: Are you talking about Titania? Arnie: …Yes! Tom: Please! Chunt: Come on, I mean, they’re- Usidore: I’ll pour some more blood out of the goat and we’ll take another look at her. Tom: Do not! I do not wish to be part of this family anymore. Usidore: Whoa, check that out. Tom: I will forsake all the gold and the riches and diamonds and pearls that my father could offer. I wish only to be myself. Arnie: Tom…I, I totally- I think that’s great, what you’re doing for love, but are you even…with this barmaid now? You’re just traveling the world and you’re not even with her. Tom: I would rather be far away than to be tempted by her sight every day. All your life you’ve never seen a woman like this. Usidore: Tom, I have been patient up until this point. But you know that there’s a great burden upon thee, and when your father does pass from this realm, you must go to the cave near the castle. And in that cave, you must do the Bad Dance. If that Bad Dance is not done, then ALL HELL SHALL BREAK LOOSE UPON FOON! Arnie: [whispers] I feel like you guys are doing this on purpose- Chunt: Usidore, is…can you kill another goat to bring it back? Usidore: I’ll…I have to go get another goat. Tom: That is my mum! Chunt: Just one more time, I just want to see 'em one more time. Tom: That is my mum! Chunt: If I had my way, I would change into those for the rest of my life. Arnie: Really? Chunt: Yeah. Usidore: [in the background] Do you have a sheep? Chunt: Just like, the best…you know, horse cheeks I’ve ever seen. Tom: Arnor? Arnie: Yeah? Tom: Do you miss your family? Arnie: I do. I know I’m putting on a brave face…um… Usidore: [slaughtering another goat in the background] Arnie: I’m worried. I’m worried about my wife, just like I’m sure you’re worried about- Usidore: [grunting] Arnie: This is…really upsetting to see Usidore: Oh, look at that. There’s another picture of her- Arnie: That’s kind of worth it, yeah. Tom: How did you get that- Chunt: Check! Tom: She’s in the bath, that’s my mum! Chunt: Talk about Titania. Arnie: [chuckles] Tom: Don’t talk about it! Usidore: Tom, you must follow your own path. You must become the man you were born to be, but that does include following your heart. Just as Arnold must reach out to those that he loves, you must do that as well. For if you deny the love in your heart, you deny the man you will become. It is not impossible to do both of these things. …To love…and take on the burdens that have been placed upon you. Tom: Wait…so does that…does that mean go back, or stay? Usidore: I don’t, I don’t know. Tom: Okay, just trying to parse on that. Usidore: Yeah. Arnie: It was, he does go on a little bit. Tom: It was good stuff, but at first I thought you meant go back, and then you started saying just be who you are, so- Usidore: It’s just, it…it’s just that there’s, you see it’s all a larger part of the quest… Tom: So like, be who you are, but also be- Arnie: After a while, it’s just a bunch of words. Usidore: It must be completed, and if you understand that all of these forces are moving in tandem, that, each piece plays its own part, and I, as the architect of the Resistance, must in some way put each piece in its place, and then…you’ll know that, it’s- Arnie: I think he’s just saying words that he likes after a while. Usidore: Arnold, if your time, like, come together, you shall be [whispering quietly] the force for your love shall find a way- Tom: What, speak up. What was that? CHunt: He’s in his wizard state. Arnie: I think it’s the wizard state. Usidore: [whispering] The bloodline of… Tom: The bloodline, what? Usidore: [whispering]…Tomblain…[continues in the wizard state throughout the ending] Chunt: Do you need a place to crash? Arnie’s staying with me in my burrow. Arnie: Yeah, if you wanna stay with us for a while, while you try to decide what you want to do. Tom: Yes, I shall stay, and then when my resolve is fixed, I shall decide whether I shall be a Prince or a Cocktickler or a Traveler, indeed. [trill] Arnie: Well, thanks so much for joining us, and thank you all listeners, uh, please- Tom: Thank you, Arnor. Arnie: Eh, It’s Arnie. But thanks so much for listening, if you’re in my world listening to this, please subscribe to the podcast so you don’t- Usidore: [still in the wizard state]…pancakes… Arnie: miss any episodes, and more information of what I discover about the world of Foon. Also, please write us a review, or give us just a couple of stars. Actually, more than a couple of stars, give us all the stars on iTunes- Usidore: …Paul is dead… Arnie: -it’s gonna’ help other people get this important information about this other world. I cannot concentrate on what I’m saying while this wizard trance is going on- Chunt: Can you be given stars? Arnie: I’m not going to explain iTunes to you. I’ll maybe do it off-off the air. Usidore: If you can harness the power of a star, we can most assuredly defeat the dark lord. Arnie: We’ll get to your quest next week. Usidore: All right. [theme music] [static] Mysterious Man: Ah, what a pleasant flight of fancy that turned out to be! But remember, it’s all made up! Arnie Niekamp plays himself. You can follow him on Twitter @misterarnie. Matt Young plays Usidore the Wizard. Follow Matt on Twitter @morepeoplehappy. Adal Rifai plays Chunt the Badger, Adal’s handle is @adalrifai. And Tom the Traveler was really just Steve Walteen. If he has a Twitter handle, he is wisely unwilling to share it. The show, nothing more than a fanciful diversion, is produced by Evan Jacover and Ryan DiGiorgi, and subsequently edited by Ryan DiGiorgi. With music by Andy Poland, and extra audio assistance from Jason Knox. You can find out more about how the show isn’t real by visiting www.hellofromthemagictavern.com, or learn more on Twitter @magictavern. This enormous fabrication, which you need not concern yourself with in any way, was sponsored by Field Notes, with help from the Chicago Podcast Cooperative. Learn more about Field Notes at fieldnotesbrand.com, and the Chicago Podcast Cooperative at chicagopodcastcoop.com. [theme music end]

#arnie #chunt #usidore #tom the traveler #s1e2 #episode 2 - tom the traveler #hftmt #first mention: King Albain Belaroth #Tomblaine Belaroth #first mention: Queen Titania Belaroth #First Mention: Scrr

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magictaverntranscripts · 8 years ago

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Episode 1 - Hello From the Magic Tavern

[static]

Mysterious Man: Warning…the following podcast is not real, but it is really sponsored by JackBox Games. Get five hilarious party games in the JackBox Party Pack, from the creators of You Don’t Know Jack. Now on Xbox One, PS3, PS4, Steam and more. Go to JackBoxGames.com for more info.

[static]

[theme song]

Arnie: Hello From the Magic Tavern!

[trill]

Arnie: Before we get started, there’s a little bit of an expositional road bump that we have to get over. I’m Arnie Niekamp, I’m from Chicago, and I guess it’s worth mentioning that Chicago is on the planet Earth. A couple of days ago, I fell through a magical rift behind a Burger King, into a magical land called Foon. Luckily, I happen to have my podcasting equipment with me, and I’m still getting a slight WiFi signal from the Burger King, through the magical portal, so I’ve decided to host a weekly podcast here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur. And this week I’m joined by a couple of guests, would you guys mind introducing yourselves?

Chunt: Hey, this is Chunt.

Usidore: Hello, I am Usidore, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephisious, Grand Master of Light and Shadow, Persuader of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Ter'a'kus. The Elves know me as Fi'yang Y'aluk, the Dwarves know me as Zonanen Hoongstanges, and I am also known throughout the realm as Gasmuneus Maestar.

Arnie: [pause, amused] What was that name again?

Usidore: I am Usidore, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephisious, Grand Master of Light and Shadow, I’m - you know, I’ve been debating Persuader or Manipulator of Magical Delights? Tell me what you think about that. Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Ter'a'kus. The Elves know me as Fi'yang Y'aluk, the Dwarves know me as Zonanen Hoongstanges, and I am also known throughout the realm as Gasmuneus Maestar.

Chunt: And I’m Chunt.

Arnie: So Usidore, I hear you’ve got a really interesting quest that you’re going on-

Usidore: Yes.

Arnie: But before we get to that, I’d like to talk to Chunt a little bit.

Usidore: Uh, okay.

Chunt: Mm-hmm?

Arnie: Just to sort of-

Usidore: The very future of our realm depends on the outcome of my quest, but let’s talk to Chunt.

Arnie: That’s great, we’re gonna tease that out, we’re gonna talk about that in the second segment of the podcast-

Usidore: Terrific.

Chunt: We all have things going on.

Arnie: Yeah, exactly, we all have stuff going on.

Usidore: Of course.

Arnie: So when I first appeared in this magical land, and it’s called Foon, is that right?

Chunt: Foon, yeah, Foon.

Arnie: And, Chunt you were one of the first people I met, you are a badger?

Chunt: Y-es, and no. I did sort-of stumble upon you while I was hunting.

Arnie: Mm-hmm.

Chunt: I am a badger currently, but I’m sort-of a changeling? See my mom was a manticore and my father was a hunger ghost.

Arnie: A hunger ghost?

Chunt: Mm-hmm. It’s a - it’s the ghost of someone who died while they were famished?

Arnie: [slight laughter] Uh-huh.

Chunt: While they were starving.

Arnie: So it’s a-

Usidore: Oh lo, beware a hunger ghost, if you ever meet a hunger ghost it shall haunt you for all of your days. Yea, and eat not - not a pretzel around it, nor a creamed cheese, for they shall chase you to the ends of Foon!

Chunt: My dad’s pretty cool. But I basically can, y'know, change into different animals.

Arnie: You can – Oh, I didn’t realize that!

Chunt: Mm-hmm.

Arnie: You know, actually, you’re the first person I met here, and you were so kind to let me shack up with you for a couple of days.

Chunt: Uh-huh.

Arnie: and I just thought you were a talking badger…but you’re, you can change into other things?

Chunt: Yeah, it’s not at will, but I can uh, eventually change into different animals.

Arnie: Like, what kind of animals have you been in the past?

Chunt: Been a goat before, several – goat several times. Uh…a bear…eagle…spider…

Arnie: A spider? [laughing] How does this changing process work?

Chunt: It’s basically whatever creature I sleep with, I then become in a fortnight.

Usidore: So it’s not limited simply to animals.

Chunt: No, it could be –

Usidore: For if you can become a spider, that’s an arachnid, and not an animal.

Chunt: I mean…I don’t know.

Arnie: When you say ‘sleep with’ you’re, you’re, are you sugg-

Chunt: Sex.

Arnie: Sex.

Chunt: Mm-hmm.

Usidore: Yes, of course!

Arnie: I’ve got a lot of questions. Spider, though?

Chunt: Mm-hmm.

Arnie: How do you have sex with a spider?

Chunt: Well at the time I was a cricket.

Arnie: Okay…follow-up question…

Chunt: Before the cricket, I was a bird…before the bird, I was a cat.

Arnie: So you were just…sexing your way slowly down the food chain?

Chunt: And then back up, yep.

Arnie: And then back up.

Chunt: I have a tapestry that explains the whole thing, it has my whole history-

Arnie: I did see that tapestry in your hovel and I did not realize that it was a sexual tapestry.

Chunt: Yeah, each animal is sort-of…grasping the one in front of it?

Arnie: Uh-huh…

Chunt: So, that’s my path. That’s my journey.

Arnie: I should have looked more closely at what was going on in that tapestry.

Chunt: [sighing] Yep, that’s my journey.

Usidore: Your gifts may help us on the great quest to save all of Foon.

Arnie: I’m excited to get to your quest-

Usidore: Yes. Okay.

Arnie: We’ll get to that in the second segment-

Usidore: Sorry about that.

Arnie: So…where I come from, having sex with animals is a little bit frowned upon-

Chunt: O…kay…

Arnie: Is that not the case here? Like, Usidore, what is the general thought on having sex with animals in Foon?

Usidore: I think we’ve all fingered a spider.

Arnie: [laughing] No…

Usidore: It’s just a, uh…when you’re a young wizard, learning your way about the world, you encounter certain animals out in the wild as you become one with nature, and commune with the powers that be in the universe, and sometimes that happens in a sexual manner, I see nothing strange about this at all.

Arnie: How…how do you even…how would you…I don’t think I want an answer, but I don’t know how you could physically finger a spider?

Usidore: …Consent?

Arnie: Okay, well that’s good, that’s a good start. So Chunt, how long have you been a badger?

Chunt: Uh, going on about two weeks now.

Arnie: Two weeks?

Chunt: Mm-hmm.

Arnie: How often-

Usidore: Not getting any.

Chunt: Yeah, badgers- I mean, I’ve been scaring off any potential next body.

Arnie: Uh-huh. Okay…

Chunt: Badgers are terrifying, look at me!

Arnie: Y-, I mean, I thought you were kind-of this adorable talking animal. And I’m not, I mean, and please-

Chunt: No, I’m flattered, I’m flattered, no it’s fine-

Arnie: Don’t take this as an insult, I’m not like, personally interested in having sex with you, I’m just not into having sex with animals.

Usidore: If you were to become one of the Great Blue Tigers, you could help me on my quest. Yea, to save all of Foon, AND WE MUST SAVE FOON!

Arnie: We’re gonna’ get to that.

Usidore: We’re gonna’ get to that.

Arnie: We’re gonna’ get to that quest in just a little bit.

Usidore: I apologize.

Arnie: Okay, so I guess I don’t want to dwell on bestiality so much right out of the gate. The listeners aren’t familiar with this world at all, and they don’t know much – I’d like to talk a little bit about the town that this tavern is based in. It’s called Hogface?

Chunt: Mm-hmm. And it’s mostly like, vacation destination.

Arnie: Oh!

Usidore: It’s a tiny hamlet.

Arnie: Huh.

Usidore: There’s a wonderful bed & breakfast.

Chunt: A lot of people come from Foon to escape, you know, The Dark Lord, or just get away from work for a few days…

Usidore: Yea, but they cannot escape The Dark Lord, for his power is ever-reaching and ever-growing, and it is up to us, to TAKE ON THIS QUEST AND DEFEAT THE DARK LORD!

Arnie: Who is the Dark Lord?

Usidore: I, hm…Speak not his name.

Chunt: Not supposed to say his name.

Usidore: The Master, he is often called, or The Dark One, and if you say his name, great ruin shall come unto you and your family.

Arnie: Okay.

Usidore: So speak not this name.

Arnie: I don’t know his name.

Usidore: Do not speak it, for words have great power.

Chunt: Don’t say it. Don’t say his name.

Arnie: I won’t say it, I can’t say it.

Usidore: Do not spell his name.

Arnie: If I say it, it’s an accident.

Chunt: Well, learn the name, so you don’t accidentally say it.

Usidore: Do not learn the name! Learning shall bring great ruin upon ye.

Chunt: Think about what a Dark Lord might be named, like think of like, ten possible names, and don’t say any of those.

Usidore: Yes, exactly.

Chunt: You know-

Arnie: K..ring…

Chunt: If you thought about it-

Usidore: Don’t say them, just think them!

Arnie: Was that ri-?

Usidore: That was not correct.

Arnie: So, if I think of a name that I think [laughing] could be a Dark Lord’s name-

Chunt: Mm-hmm.

Arnie: Straight up don’t say it?

Chunt: Yeah.

Usidore: Don’t even say it. We’ll make a list later, and we’ll write it down, and then we’ll burn the list.

Arnie: Will it be a list of names and one of them will be the actual name, but you won’t say which one it is?

Usidore: Yeah, I will not write the name, for writing the name, giving it shape, will give him more power. You will write names that you think may be it, and then we shall burn the list. Yes, that’s the only way.

Arnie: That seems like a waste of time.

Usidore: And we’ll keep making lists until you get it right.

Arnie: I’m not gonna to do that.

Usidore: Ten lists, every week.

Arnie: I’m gonna opt-out on that.

Chunt: It’s worth doing, it really is.

Arnie: [chuckles]

Chunt: For the safety of Foon, it’s worth doing.

Usidore: Knowledge of the name will bring ruin onto you, but with knowledge there is also great power, [whispers] and if you accept this power then you can help me in my quest and [unintelligible]

Arnie: We’re going to get to this, I swear we’re going to get to this quest.

Usidore: I apologize.

Arnie: You mention that Hogface is a vacation destination-

Chunt: Mm-hmm.

Usidore: It’s lovely here.

Arnie: I noticed there’s this big road, there do seem to be a lot of travelers that kind-of come through Hogface on their way from one part of the-

Chunt: Sure.

Arnie: -kingdom, if that’s what it’s called, to another. It’s this big road, what is it, the North road?

Chunt: It goes by many names. It’s called the People’s Road, the Youth’s Folly, the Fool’s Errand, the Questioning Way

Usidore: I’ve always known it as the Steward’s Path.

Chunt: Blistering Trail, Steward’s Path, yeah…Ladyface…

Arnie: Ladyface?

Chunt: Yeah, “Just go down, take a left on Ladyface and-” y'know.

Arnie: Is it confusing that it has so many different names?

Chunt: People know what you’re talking about.

Usidore: [whispering] For names have great power and if you accept this power into your heart then you can help me in my quest and we can control and [unclear] The Dark Lord.

Arnie: And feed the Dark Lord?

Usidore: [whispering] I said defeat, defeat, not-

Chunt: Why would you feed the Dark Lord?

Usidore: I didn’t say that.

Arnie: It sounds like he said, did you hear feed the Dark Lord?

Chunt: [enunciating] Defeat the Dark Lord

Usidore: [whispering] Defeat the Dark Lord

Chunt: Don’t feed the Dark Lord

Arnie: Why are you whispering?

Usidore: [whispering at the edge of hearing] If you believe in yourself and your power I know that you can help control and defeat the Dark Lord.

Arnie: [laughs]

Usidore: [whispering at the edge of hearing] I know that only you can do it. You have been sent to me, to help [unintelligible]

Arnie: I’m not convinced you’re saying full words. I can’t-

Chunt: He’s in his wizard state.

Usidore: [whispering nonsense syllables]

Arnie: Wizard state?

Chunt: Yes. The most power-shh! The most powerful wizards in the land, when they concentrate will start-

Usidore: [suddenly yelling] AND THEN WE WILL ALL BE FREE!

Arnie: Stop! You know, that kind of level change, that fast, is hard-

Usidore: I’m sorry, I was in the wizard state

Chunt: See?

Arnie: Okay, maybe [sighs] maybe it’s a good idea for us to maybe segue into what is this quest?

Usidore: No, no, no, let’s talk about Hogsface.

Chunt: We’re basically known for, we’re a culinary destination-

Arnie: Oh!

Chunt: Some of the best food you’re gonna find in Foon. We’re also known for our coastal beaches, and for our gambling. We have a lot of competitions, a lot of gambling, a lot of tournaments going on.

Usidore: Yes.

Arnie: Wow.

Chunt: Hotspot, it’s a hotspot.

Arnie: So people love the Foon food here?

Chunt: Yes.

Usidore: Rich, delicious desserts that shall churn your heart into such a blistering, explosive thing, aye, your very soul will reach out of your body if you taste these wonderous delights, and then you shall weep a single tear for you think of the future of Foon and you know that the Dark Lord is growing in power, and that we must do something to defeat him immediately. If only to not gather our forces and take some action to defeat him, we shall all-

Chunt: Here we go, he’s going into the wizard state. See?

Usidore: [whispering nonsense]

Arnie: Oh.

Chunt: Do you notice the change?

Arnie: I do! It’s tough, I have to be honest, I’m having trouble following Usidore, the things he says, all the way through.

Usidore: [takes an audible breath in]

Arnie: Like, even before he starts talking quietly, I find that I’m not really listening anymore.

Usidore: [lets an audible breath out, silence]

Arnie: [whispering] He’s not breathing.

Chunt: Nope, that’s just part of the wizard’s state.

Usidore: [normally] So we have terrific food here.

Chunt: See?

Arnie: Oh! [laughs] Great!

Usidore: Really wonderful culinary delights.

Arnie: So if I’m a visitor - so, most of the people listening are going to be from my world, so - if I’m a visitor from my world to Foon-

Chunt: Again, that was called…?

Arnie: Chicago. Well Earth, well, there’s a lot of names.

Chunt: Chicago, okay.

Usidore: [drawing out the word] Chi-caa-goooo

Arnie: Chicago.

Chunt: How did, can we ask, ‘cause we told you the story of Hogface, it seems tit for tat is in order.

Arnie: Sure

Usidore: Yes, aye, tell us more of your world and the great powers that exist there.

Chunt: How did Chicago get its name?

Arnie: How did Chicago get its name? [giggles] I don’t know! I don’t know, I’m just-

Usidore: Shh, shh! Let me channel my thoughts and focus. Ah, I see here on your device, you have…dots…let me connect to this device and I shall see…yes…ahh…[whispering nonsense]…the Wiiiindy…Ciiiity…[nonsense]

Chunt: This is not the wizard’s state, I don’t know what this is.

Arnie: This is- [laughs]

Usidore: I tapped into his weefee, and I did see the great story of Chicago, and a great fire did burn. Aye, and like a very phoenix, it did rise out of those flames, even grander than before! Spires like you have never seen, great glistening gods pointing to the very heavens! This is an evil place.

Arnie: And that’s how Chicago got it’s name.

Chunt: Oh, well…

[trill]

Arnie: Usidore, I’m so sorry, I don’t think we have time this week to talk about your quest - I’ve been reading, I’ve been wanting to start a podcast, and I’ve been reading that they shouldn’t go too long. A good way to start an-

Chunt: Oh, okay.

Arnie: -an initial listenership is to now overstay your welcome on the first couple of episodes.

Usidore: Well, perhaps I could return on a future…I don’t know, a future…what did you call it?

Arnie: Guys, every week I’m going to be recording here in the Vermillion Minotaur, you’re welcome to come back as oft-

Usidore: Every week? AYE, THEN I SHALL RETURN UNTIL I HAVE GATHERED THE FORCES THAT SHALL DEFEAT THE GREAT EVIL MASTER AND YEA, THE VERMILLION MINOTAUR SHALL BE SAVED, AND ALL OF HOGSFACE, AND ALL OF FOON! Yes, [whispers] yes I shall return, and then I shall be here every week until you know that it will be safe for you to [continues inaudibly under Arnie]

Arnie: While he’s whispering in the wizard’s state, I’m gonna remind you to please look up Hello From the Magic Tavern on iTunes, give us a good rating, maybe write us a review, maybe that way people can-

Usidore: [whispering]…delicious crumpet…

Arnie: Find the podcast and get the word out that not only that this is an entertaining podcast-

Usidore: [whispering] …whipping cream…

Arnie: -but more importantly, there is another world connected to our world, and that I’m sort-of trying to get the word out about it.

Chunt: Can people look up Chunt?

Arnie: People…I would recommend people DO NOT look up Chunt.

Usidore: [whispering]…pulled pork…

Arnie: Where I’m coming from, I don’t know for a fact that it means anything, but I would not Google image search Chunt. I feel like- I know that you don’t know what that is-

Chunt: No offense, no offense taken.

Arnie: But, I feel like it’s not…it’s not a good thing to look up.

Chunt: Okay.

Arnie: So thank you everybody, so much, and join us next week from the Magic Tavern.

Usidore: [normally]…a delicious ale to wash it down.

[theme song]

[static]

Mysterious Man: Well, what a fanciful bit of imagining that was! But remember, it’s all pretend. Arnie Niekamp plays himself. Usidore the Wizard is played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger is Adal Rifai. All three of them perform with World News Tonight at the iO Theater. This pretend experience is produced by Evan Jacover and Ryan DiGiorgi, and edited by Ryan DiGiorgi. With music by Andy Poland, and extra audio assistance from Jason Knox. You can find out more about how the show isn’t real by visiting www.hellofromthemagictavern.com, or learn more on Twitter, @magictavern. This entire fanciful situation, ha ha, was sponsored by JackBox Games with help from the Chicago Podcast Cooperative. Learn more about JackBox Games at jackboxgames.com, and the Chicago Podcast Cooperative at chicagopodcastcoop.com

[static]

[theme song end]

#arnie #chunt #usidore #episode 1 - hello from the magic tavern #hftmt

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