maisonlein

[maisonlein]

Superfund Symphony

[maisonlein]

Her name was Linda, but they were calling her Lili.

She was a nurse. But she didn’t work at hospitals, she travelled with the Grateful Dead.

And she helped save my life.

When all this happened, I could hardly see a thing.  But I could hear very well.

I heard them clucking about my retinal detachment, and I heard them admitting that it wasn’t a tragedy since I would never be able to identify them.

I guess that might have been when I decided not to trust the law.

Before Lili rescued me from the clinic in Jersey, all I knew was what I heard.

I hardly had a life outside of the isolette.

She smuggled me out in an empty donut box. I’m not sure when exactly. Sometime in the 1980’s.

Then Lili had to go. She was getting in too deep. They handed me to a woman that was addicted to dope, because I was dying and they didn’t want me to die suffering.

Everyone thought I was gonna die. Especially when the woman who was nursing me got a bad batch and left me on a counter in a crackhouse.

That was when Chris found me.

That didn’t go well either. I spent some time with their family, running around Brooklyn until too many tongues started to wag about the little girl that didn’t belong to anyone.

They were saying I wasn’t real, wasn’t human. Some folks would try to kidnap me. But Lili had the code for the chip they put up my nose at the clinic, and they would use it to keep track of me.

But it was dangerous and expensive.

There was only one way to try and scramble the signal, but everyone thought it might be too dangerous.

Until it became obvious that it didn’t matter, because I wasn’t gonna survive anyway.

That was when they took me to the cabin.

They had Lili pack me up in her old Pontiac for the long drive to Vermont. There was gonna be a festival and a lot of people would be there. I was used to chaos, so nothing seemed new about the situation.

By then, I could see a little better, but not much.

At the cabin I climbed out of the car and was immediately scooped up by a man that I later was told to be a well known writer. At the time he was working on a never published sequel to his book chronicling the Hell’s Angels.

Supposedly.

Later it was revealed he was investigating me. A human, or whatever I was, that was lab grown. Had no surviving blood relatives, and was being smuggled around the world.

He picked me up and eyed me like a piglet, then tossed me in the air.

I pissed on his face, screaming.

He caught me and set me down.

Someone’s girlfriend stumbled out of the cabin. Lili was already driving away, saying she was done dealing with this kid because the situation was getting too hot.

People were getting taken out left and right.

Inside the cabin, a big biker grabbed me and stuffed me into a bear costume after I took my piss stained clothes off.

He bounced me on his lap and put a dropper full of something into my eyes and ears and under my tongue.

That’s when everything turned into a cartoon. I spent the week running around with kids my age, dancing to a wall of sound.

Afterwards, the bikers took me to California.

I never saw any of them again.

[maisonlein]

formerly of heaven

i had an idea to pretend i was branded by god so i started to call myself madelein heaven because it rhymed. someone else already had the idea though, so i let it fall.

i was thinking about the bible and all the ideas in there while i tried learning about all of the creation myths. i've always been interested in people's belief systems and used to hope i might study at harvard divinity school one day.

i thought god must have been human at one point and just left the dimension. christians fantasize of the return, and i thought about what that might be like.

he comes back totally unaware that people have documented and worshipped him. as someone who doesn't enjoy being anywhere for long i tried to imagine having to go through that again and again, since god has been so many places.

i decided i would keep falling in love like that. so strongly you had people scrambling to remember how. making up the way it must have happened with their jaws still on the floor. i hope everything i finally do is just like that.

[maisonlein]

incanations '인카네이션'

today i woke up at some point. i took my meds but i also had something like a handful of vitamins because i'm getting so tired of eating. everything is boring me lately but i don't wanna sound like a temperance i'm hungry but nothing sounds appealing the shadows on the cliffs look like a glare of confusion or maybe disapproval people used to sail without lighthouses and maybe that's how math was invented i keep trying to motivate myself to memorize these algebraic formulas and the formulas grow limbs but start dancing in the morning i had a bath i put sea salt in the bath and started drawing the outline for a comic but every time i sit down to make art like that i get bored kind of like now, but i'm making myself continue in the spirit of cooperation

panel one she's telling you to come along with her to get her blood turned into floral

panel two they arrive at the office where your blood gets redone in floral

panel three she's having her blood removed and they put the serum in it

panel four she described how it made her feel and what's all different about her life now that there are flowers living in her blood

panel five: i'm showing you around my room where you might need to wear special glasses so it doesn't look like i'm giving myself eye contact and become distressed because i think i'm challenging myself in a territorial fashion

in the second bath i took today i got all of the sea salt out of the tub and i finished my laundry, organized my recycling, and made some kind of juice cleanse with ingredients i can't tell you directly

that is why i don't care as much about making content on the internet although i never really have compared to some i just kind of think of this as a chat room a/s/l

this week i'll make all my appointments even the one with the military and if i have a crush on someone i won't say anything because the government decided i am a woman and i'm going to serve that feminine energy til i pass heaven

오늘 나는 어느 시점에서 일어났다. 나는 약을 먹었지만 한 줌 정도의 약도 먹었습니다 먹는 것이 너무 지겨워서 비타민이 부족합니다. 요즘은 모든 게 지루하지만 절제하는 것처럼 들리고 싶지 않아요 배고프지만 아무 것도 매력적이지 않습니다. 절벽의 그��자는 혼란의 눈부심처럼 보인다 아니면 어쩌면 불승인일 수도 있습니다 사람들은 등대 없이 항해하곤 했습니다 어쩌면 그것이 수학이 발명된 방법일지도 모릅니다 나는 이 대수 공식을 암기하기 위해 나 자신에게 동기를 부여하려고 계속 노력한다 그리고 공식은 팔다리를 자라게 하지만 춤을 추기 시작합니다 아침에 목욕을 했다 나는 욕조에 바다 소금을 넣고 만화의 윤곽을 그리기 시작했습니다 하지만 그런 작품을 만들려고 앉아있을 때마다 지루해져요 지금처럼, 하지만 저는 협력의 정신으로 계속 나아가고 있습니다

패널 1 그녀는 그녀의 피를 꽃으로 만들기 위해 그녀와 함께 가자고 말하고 있습니다.

패널 2 그들은 당신의 피가 플로럴로 다시 만들어지는 사무실에 도착합니다

패널 3 그녀는 피를 제거하고 혈청을 넣었습니다

패널 4 그녀는 그것이 그녀를 어떻게 느끼게 했는지, 그리고 그녀의 혈액 속에 꽃이 살고 있기 때문에 그녀의 삶이 어떻게 달라졌는지에 대해 설명했습니다

패널 5 : 나는 당신에게 당신이 특별한 안경을 써야 할 수도 있는 내 방을 보여주고 있습니다 그래서 나는 나 자신에게 눈을 마주치고 괴로워하지 않는 것처럼 보입니다 왜냐하면 나는

오늘 내가 한 두 번째 목욕에서 영역 방식으로 나 자신에게 도전하고 있다고 생각하기 때문에 나는 모든 것을 얻었습니다 욕조에서 바다 소금을 꺼내서 빨래를 마치고, 재활용품을 정리하고, 직접 말할 수 없는 재료로 주스 클렌징을 만들었어요 그래서 인터넷에서 콘텐츠를 만드는 것에 대해 별로 신경 쓰지 않아요 다른

사람들과 비교한 적은 없지만 그냥 이걸 채팅방으로 생각해요

A/S/L 이번 주에는 모든 약속을 하나라도 할 거예요 군대에 가서, 누군가에게 반하면 아무 말도 하지 않을 거야 왜냐하면 정부는 내가 여자이고 천국을 지나갈 때까지 그 여성적인 에너지를 위해 봉사할 거라고 결정했기 때문이야

[maisonlein]

infinite blood moon eclipse

dear diary,

it is friday morning and i don't have to be anywhere for a few hours.

i woke up early and had breakfast because i was thinking about going to pick up a bike but it's raining outside and i'm staring at the cliffs that the bike i looked at yesterday would not handle.

it was a bright blue stepthrough and i could imagine myself riding it but not in these streets. i guess i'll let someone else have it.

i've been so tired of having things lately. i feel this growing sense of panic whenever i acquire an object. i'm sitting in a dorm right now that i will have to move out of in about a month and i've already started packing. my clean laundry is in a pile in front of me. yesterday i bought hangers because i seem to forget things exist if they aren't visible. i need everything on display in front of me. i guess that's the difference between god and myself.

today is holi. it seems like such a special day over and over. the moon and the sky and the numbers all aligning with this perfect sensation of rhythmic structure to show me how beautiful life is. and i'm so grateful for it, despite the agility with which uncertainty maintains its grasp on everything.

so i wanted to remember times when nothing felt possible, things that i've now proven otherwise. i have to study and work all weekend and i'm happy for it. i'm going in the direction i've always dreamed of.

[maisonlein]

Swallow

We were putting our feet together (and now I’m in the library across the building from 

Where you said you were when I wasn’t ready for you to see me like this. Staring down and across

From an ugly old satellite who doesn’t seem to want to be seen by anyone. You call it a punishment

For touching myself without permission, and suddenly I realize I’m looking right at you.)

Our feet used to match when we’d lay back in the grass and the dirt staring at each others faces from the

Sunshine above where the adults gathered around a fire we could smell for days and the brown skin 

Went black and a leather jacket we shared when the fire went out did too.

(I don’t even know who you are anymore)

I have other memories too. A lot of people want me to keep quiet in every language that twists my 

Tongue up when I see you feeling like you had somehow anything to do with what I am now.

Someone who makes me sick to look at. The side of the sand that sticks to the bread when you 

Tear and peel it apart to put something else in, it wasn’t fine on it’s own.

I’m staring at someone I hate and thinking of someone I love. They’re making me do this, biting 

My tongue and tying my hands to keys I can’t keep. You went places without me, too shy to

Socialize so you’d close your eyes and imagine I was beside the whole time. I wasn’t.

I was somewhere you didn’t want to be. A swollen old pale man, a saint who kept all the gifts in

An untouchable cavern from the holiday spent empty of receipt while children who shouldn’t 

Have known the difference went without to hospitals in the sky. I wanna throw myself and this

Laptop out the plexiglass beside me but I’m holding it down in spite.

I don’t wanna be here. I wanna be outside running up a mountain with you on my back. 

Kissing you at the top so we can fall down the other side together. But I don’t seem to exist

Outside of your body. 

ii.

They told me you died. We both had the feeling all that day. The day they dressed us up like a 

Little pair of wedding cake toppers, and filmed us making love like puppets. It was beautiful,

They said, misty eyed at the footage rolling later. I’m wearing a dress now, and I’m not supposed to

Remember what I was wearing then. They told me you were going away and they didn’t want me

To be alone in Heaven. I wanted to die too, I wanted to go with you, but my parents wouldn’t let me.

So we made a little baby together that day, and he went with you instead. I watched you turn blue with him in absolute horror. My name was Jeremy then. I had the same light brown hair and sad eyes as I do now. They froze me in time and shipped me away while you were being plugged in. I’d lie on my side 

In a ball just watching it all. For years I did not grow or move. Women had to blink my eyes for me. I didn’t want them touching me because they weren’t you. I was a little man then, and you were all watching me be one with my wife until she disappeared in your desires, taking me with her up a reed made of dishonesty.

I felt so out of control they made me into a little square stone to fit into a grid that stretched like my hands together begging to be back beside you. I was on call empty and played like a bullet. I tried to forget you. I poured myself into other people who begged for someone else after I couldn’t spill. The whole time watching only you, a delusion only I knew.

iii.

My father lit my lines back up in unison with the driving forces I pressed my face against. Shattered sands split her into him. Another satellite hidden behind a veil of pigs. She’d spread her legs for him again and again while I watched through slits like eyes blind to time signatures. I’d be dancing the whole time with six other young men with names like mine. We all watched you holding ourselves up in designs made in the sky where we were only allowed to dream things that would be held away from the bodies called other peoples property. Hour by hour (my head tilts to the sky and two birds fly by)

I’m wearing fake gold rings and a real old mickey mouse t shirt with real gold glitter buttons and shoes. He’s smiling. I’m not, because I just saw how sad you were. Hair that curled away from your head. I could barely make out your mouth. In another life we spoke together this way. Just barely. In defense. In and out of my chest. My skirts were long then, today one is pink and two are green. Pink plastic nails tip my fingers. A feeling of doom and department store shoes from a church. I wanna be wearing you. Like an open book while I run outta clothes in the dryer. 

You never felt this way for me. So I started watching the way he’s control her body while other men watched. He was always so much darker than me. I remember the geometry of the rituals we’d perform in the name of mirrored gods that cried to be hidden from artificial light. Please print me, she’s cry. Singing in a baby hog’s reverberation with parents who opened greased palms to fill the way their eyes closed. 

Swallow,

He began. And in this way instructed me to do the same. 

The spit would move from my mouth to the ground. I’m tough, and I’m touching you now, like we did in the bunkers between sessions trying to survive our small bodies shivering from depravation from everything except each other’s.

Swallow, he’d command the line that was once yours and mine. I turn my head and look for you only to see a white woman walking away. Finally.

She begins to respond in time, he takes notice, and continues to make demands that way until she can no longer resist him.

When he becomes bored he offers her to me, after all, the line was once mine, and yours. My only desire is to have you the way he has her now. Compete control. I’m beginning to confuse myself for others. I lose everything around that time.

I no longer need to be told how empty I am.