maixiety

[maixiety]

April 4, 1968 - Stunned, silent members of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference sit in Dr. Martin Luther King’s room at the Lorraine Motel after his assassination. [2560x1721] Check this blog!

[maixiety]

Rant Of The Day! #1 -- Fitting in

This is my first time being on Tumblr, so i don't really know how to start this.

But being different is sooo tiring for no reason. I'm a black girl and in high-school, I've seen all the people I've known from 3rd grade grow up into all these different people. All conformed into the same school for the last plethora of years. I'd say I'm pretty sociable, there's not many people there that i would honestly say dislike me.

But seeing myself start off as the "weird kid' that guys would pick on and then grow into the same dudes hitting on me feelsss... off. Like that's still me. I still mostly enjoy the weird things I grew up on. I still geek out over stuff like bands, comics, art, video games, anime, etc. I'm still the "weird" girl they used to dislike. Only difference is that i grew into my features.

I went through puberty, i learned how to do my hair, I grew a common sense of fashion. And now everyone likes me? It's something i would've wanted at one point, and now that i have it-- i don't know how to get rid of it.

I feel like I'm conformed into the person i made myself. Being in a school with the people i grew up with doesn't help.

I sometimes wish I could transfer to a different school, start over, and be my 100% authentic self. Dye my hair neon purple, pierce my skin, wear whatever the fuck I want. And even though i suppose nothing's stopping me, i feel like it would just... make things harder y'know.? I'm an intelligent girl, im in a bunch of different school societies, im in the top of the business academy at my school-.... i dont want my achievements to be pushed aside by the labels of looking the way i wanna look. I just wanna express myself through the way my mind perceives one's self. Is it really so hard to just be me? I don’t want to fit into your mold, but I also don’t want to be the ‘weird one’ either. All I want is to exist without being put into a category, but it seems like the world loves to throw labels on anything it doesn’t understand.

Especially as a black girl. The ridicule i could possibly get from my own community for standing out is ridiculous. Black people are meant to stand out. Isn't that what we fight for.? Why make fun of someone for being different when our ancestors used to fight for everyone to be equal. That's why i never understood how black people could be homophobic, its just another form of oppression in a different font and the same cycle being repeated.

Of course, me wanting to dress differently is nowhere near the same as the oppression of large groups of people that can't change the way they were born. But as a group of humans, why can't we all just mind our business and let the people around us live the way they want? Let's collectively pull the sticks out of our asses and be a more accepting group to even the things we don't understand.

And i'll admit, over the years of changing, and growing, and fitting in more, I've judged people. More than I'd like to admit. But at least im not making anyone else's life worse because I don't understand them.

The judging, the labels, ( not to mention my somewhat strict parents and my current aspirations cock-blocking me ) , is the only thing holding me back. The judging i could deal with it. Im too loud and bothersome of a person to even care that much. But the labeling? Im already a black girl deemed as " ghetto " from the people im around. I dont need more labels stacked onto my first impression list holding me back from my potential of having a good future.

Slowly but surely, im starting to see my appearance change into more of what i wish to be. But until then, I'll stay in the conformed version i made myself out to be.

And that just doesn't sit right with my soul.

Signing out, --- Mai ✰