mamphaaa-blog

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to people who put antlers and a nose on their car for christmas

you can’t trick me. I know that’s a car. you fool

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why the fuck are princess doll toys and pet shop shit commercials always putting these weird theme songs in like they cant even rhyme them  theyre always like “sparkles and glitter right before your eyes!!! she talks and dances and!!!!!!!!!!! spins and flies!!! Magic Surprise!! Horse” 

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Yeah dude your brows are fucked up. Don't make them so dark

Why don’t you go talk to your therapist about how much my eyebrows affect you on a day to day basis.

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When girls unexpectedly get a dick pic

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Utah, May 7, 1922

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there she goes again being over dramatic and by she i mean me

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Hands are weird because one of them can do absolutely everything without a problem and the other one can’t even hold a spoon

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Don’t Be That Guy.

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I howled for a good 5 minuets then I cried because my child won't stop screaming and my belly looks like a meat joint. I needed this 😂

Things nobody tells you about going into labour

•you’ll spend the whole of the last 8 weeks of pregnancy googling what labour feels like/how to tell if your in labour

•you’ll start to get excited every time you get Braxton hicks that ‘it’ is finally starting

•you’ll look for every sign of labour constantly: diarrhoea? might be labour soon. braxton hicks? might go into labour soon. feeling sick? maybe you’ll go into labour soon. feeling tired? it must be labour soon

•you will be SO pleased to see your mucous plug, you might even want to show it off (it’s really exciting ok?!)

•it won’t be like the movies, it’s really quite messy and long

•you might think when your waters did go that you just peed yourself (again)

•at the start of labour (finally) you will feel super confident, it’s not that painful, you got this girl!

•then you’ll have an 'oh shit’ moment of realisation that actually this is really painful and holy shit you are never ever going to do this again

•you might make sex noises whilst contracting

•you won’t find it remotely funny when your partner points that out (& then later tells his mum about it)

•you’ll throw up that sandwich that you happily ate (when you were going through your “I got this” stage)

•you’ll be convinced that you must be at least 9cm dilated when in fact you are only just 3cm dilated

•the best made plans for your labour will go out of the window. no pain relief? pass me the gas & air, pethadine and epidural - NOW

•you won’t use half of all of the stuff you meticulously packed in your hospital bag

•you’ll still panic throughout labour wondering what your vagina is going to look like afterwards

•you will not give one tiny crap who sees your vagina

•you will want to send a thank you card to the person who invented the epidural

•you might hallucinate/see three kittens running around the delivery suite

•you will look forward to getting through labour so you can soon, finally, lay on your front again to sleep

•you will be absolutely knackered

•you’re going to be absolutely knackered for the next 18 years

•labour might not end in a straight forward vaginal birth - you might have to be assisted or have a Caesarian - remember that this is OK - you have done so well, be proud of yourself and don’t beat yourself up in any way

•remember the placenta needs to exit your body too

•remember to pack and wear very BIG knickers that you can throw away (you will bleed afterwards. a lot.)

•clots. They are normal, but if you are worried, ask for advice.

•you will feel like you have been hit by a truck for a while. You just pushed a half stone baby out your vagina - some may say it would be preferable to be hit by a truck

But oh my gosh, when that baby is placed on to your chest, you hear his or her little scream and marvel at the beautiful life you have created, every single thing, every hardship you faced is utterly forgotten and completely worth it.

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mom: *posts picture of baby playing*

mumblrs: Ummmm....I can't help but notice there's a window like 20 feet away? What if a hawk swoops in and grabs your baby? Irresponsible. Plz hawk-proof your windows.