manageddespair

[manageddespair]

How old are you? Say it without using any numbers, I’ll go first

When I was little the first question they asked you at a restaurant was not how many, rather, smoking or non smoking!

I remember the teal and purple of the Burger King seats; a time before they had nuggets, old!

I’m “I used to fly Continental and they always served a meal” old

“It’s 10 PM do you know where your children are?” old

Still remember the taste of Fruitopia and just entered the end of the floppy disk era old

How old am I?

[manageddespair]

Let's Talk - Imposter Syndrome

What is Imposter Syndrome? Well Clinically it's persistent feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy, and a fear of being exposed as a fraud. Honestly it's much more than that!

I've been dealing with imposter syndrome for some time now, and it's really difficult to talk about because it brings up a lot of challenging emotions for me. Let me break it down and draw up an example: I've always been told I'm creative and I believe it - I have a wild imagination and I live to day dream - but what happens when I try to harness that creativity. Well I get this huge surge of motivation "I'm going to grab a canvas and some paint and I'm going to create a masterpiece because I'm an artist and it's what I do!" Then I rush to the store and I grab a beautifully sized canvas and a new brush (because why not, I need it); riding high at the top of a massive wave of inspiration and hey look mom no hands. What a rush!

Then I get home and I set up my area, and you know what I'm going to film it too because all of the artists I follow have these amazing painting videos and I want to put myself out there... but reality is not at all cooperating with the image in my head and I don't no where to start. Where'd my inspiration go, I went from riding the wave to an active wipeout and I just bought all this stuff. So I'll push through it because you can't always count on inspiration right?

But I haven't kept up with my artwork and now my painting looks rusty; the video is dark, the sound of my fan in the background is distracting, and this angle is not flattering. That's when the imposter sees it's shadow.

It's the intersection between where you are now and where you want to be, like standing at the bottom of a hill looking up at the peak after walking miles. What made me think I had it in me, I'm no artist, I'm just some loser who thinks they can paint.

I can't compare to the other artists out there, they actually know what they are doing. I have no idea what I'm doing! They understand color theory, they studied this and they've been at it for years and I'm just now starting out. I don't know anything! I'm late to the game, maybe if I would have started earlier I'd be where I need to be right now. It's too late! I can't do this, this is ridiculous. This is so stupid who do I think I am, I'm not an artist this is just a hobby, why am I trying to make it a thing. This isn't real life! The real artists are going to look at my video and they will know I don't know what I'm doing, they'll probably call me out for being a poser in the comments.

Even writing about imposter syndrome makes me feel like an imposter. Who the hell are you to create a blog and talk about your emotions, what do you know? It's my harshest inner critique. It keeps me away from my easel, because the fear of failing is stronger than the motivation to try. It kept me away for years! My imposter shadow switched my major from painting to graphic design in 2014. I graduated college in 2017 and my imposter shadow gave away my oil paints. I took a job in customer service to pay the bills and my imposter shadow grabbed a drink and settled onto the couch.

Today, I still struggle with imposter syndrome. It spread throughout multiple areas of my life. I feel like an imposter at work, I feel like an imposter at the gym, I feel like an imposter when I try anything new, somedays I feel like an imposter parading around town pretending to be an adult.

How do I manage it? I don't. I just take it day-by-day and when that feels like too much I focus on hour-by-hour. I stopped scrolling through social media in the morning and I started painting for an hour a day. I set a timer and I work on a painting, and if I hate it I paint over it the next day. I try new things and then force myself to take a break for a day, if I hate it in the morning then my instinct was correct. I try to recognize the voice and I don't ignore it; I listen to the comments and I try and understand what it is about what I'm doing that makes me feel phony?

What I find sometimes is that the voice sounds familiar; like the aunt who asks you sarcastically when you're getting married, the sibling who mocked you when you tried wearing something new, or the parent who gave up their dreams and tells you to give up the fantasy.

How does imposter syndrome manifest in your life, and how do you manage it; does it sound familiar?