manateefair

[manateefair]

I know I haven't posted in a while. I'm working on some new stuff, but until then, just watch this over and over until you know the choreography. That's what I plan to do.

[manateefair]

Netflix and Qwikster

So by now, surely you've heard that Netlix has broken into two companies. Netflix will continue the instant streaming revolution that it started, while the DVD mailing system will now go by the name "Qwikster", as a result to the multitudes of subscribers who left after the price changes took hold in July.

No. No no no. You're making it worse! The whole complaint was not that there needed to be to separate services! Just don't raise the prices! And "Qwikster"? Really?

Qwikster will be launching soon, as shown on their website.

Yikes.

Now, I personally wasn't affected by this change, as I only subscribe to what is now known as Netflix. The U.S. Postal Service doesn't take too kindly to just dropping DVDs into the ocean, which is the only way to deliver to me. Plus those red envelopes (which I know and love) kept getting soggy.

Probably the best turn of events for the budding company, was the fact that the twitter handle "@Qwikster" was already taken. By whom you ask? The lovely and talented Jason Castillo, a foul-mouthed pothead who now claims not to "use drug". Here are some of his tweets:

Sep 22: "All these ppl have no live son all they do is rap they just mad cuz I found the right path n they aint getting no where wit theirs"

Sep 19: "I just got scared I went into the shower turned on the water n then stuff started falling I was lik omg wtf lol"

May 1: "U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A YEAH BUDDY"

Well at least he's patriotic.

So to Netflix/Qwikster, I say well done! You've made us all forget about your first mistake by making an even bigger one. Brava!

[manateefair]

Jetsam: Red Riding Hood (2007)

Wow. I thought the 2011 Red Riding Hood with Amanda Seyfried was dreadful, but this children's movie takes the cake and makes the cake really uncomfortable.

So clearly, it's a modern retelling of Little Red Riding Hood. Claire, or "Red" wants to sneak out to meet her friends at the mini-mall (really?) after her parents, Debi Mazar and Daniel Roebuck have gone out for the evening. Luckily, her hip Grandma Lainie Kazan (My Big Fat Greek Wedding) is there to babysit and read the children a delightful tale about listening to your parents and not growing up too fast. Barf.

To top it all off, Jack DeWolfe (right?) is played by... Joey FAT-ONE from N*SYNC! Way to go Joey, proving that Justin Timberlake and JC Chavez aren't the only ones who can have a solo career. Whoops.

But naturally, since children today can't relate to anything before 1987, Claire and her brother Matt change details of the story, for instance instead of living in a hut, ("Eww, she lived in a hut? Were her parents like, on welfare?") to living in lighthouse. And the grandmother in the story was a hip yogi with an awesome A-Frame house on a cliff. (Who spends her time in singles' chat rooms pretending to be a 23 year old swimsuit model. I couldn't make that up)

It also featured the "Three Bully Girls Gruff", a trio of white thirteen year old girls named Ashley who wore 1970s roller disco outfits, complete with roller skates, who spoke in fluent ebonics.

And just to make sure the parents were still watching, when the wolf came upon a troupe of boy-scouts at a campfire, the director threw in the line "Keep your wiener away from my wiener!!" Classy.

If you have absolutely nothing else to do, watch this movie. Otherwise, just try to forget it exists. I know I will.

[manateefair]

What makes a goodbad movie.

Since I'm sure you're all dying to see the yardstick I use to measure the wonderfully bad movies that I judge, I thought I'd lay out some criteria.

What I love:

1. Teen angst melodrama. Any time there are teenagers with serious real world problems, I'm on board. For example, One Tree Hill, the show with the longevity of a cockroach (seriously, 9 seasons?) In the first four seasons, the cast got to write novels and launch fashion lines and record labels. I'm sure that's what small-town life is like.

2. Supernatural themes. Oh yeah, give me witches and vampires and zombies, and I'm pleased as punch.

3. Gay storylines. Who doesn't love seeing how the entertainment industry is going to spin all of the baggage that comes with gay themes.

4. Really cute boys. That's kind of self-explanatory. Anything is better with pretty men to look at.

The very best T.V. shows and movies use combinations of these four guidelines, the most notable being Buffy the Vampire Slayer. High School, Vampire Slayer, Gay Willow, David Boreanaz.  Done.

What I hate:

-Pretty much everything else.

[manateefair]

Flotsam: Dylan Dog, Dead of Night (2011)

Brandon Rrrrrrrouth stars as a sartorially handicapped supernatural P.I. who must stop the hotshot vampire Vargas (OMG TAYE DIGGS!) from raising an ancient evil and becoming the leader of the supernatural community.

Never in my wildest dreams did I even begin to fathom just how many puns, cliches and witty one-liners there could be about death and the undead. Essentially the first 45 minutes of this movie were just a film noir voice-over of Brandon Rrrrrrrrouth's dynamic baritone bantering about the secret world of the undead in New Orleans.

But behind all of the word play were some genuinely funny scenes. Sam Huntington plays Marcus, Dylan Dog's partner who becomes a zombie in the movie and goes to an undead support group.

"Hi, I'm Marcus.... and I'm dead"

"Hi Marcus"

Marcus also loses an arm and has to go to a body shop. Literally. A. Body. Shop. Where zombies go to have cosmetic procedures done. They were of course out of Caucasian arms in his size, so he receives a muscular tan tattooed arm instead. Brilliant.

And what good is a movie with vampires if you don't have a pack of werewolves to pit against them. In the words of Dylan Dog  "You know what they say about werewolf hair:  It doesn't lie" This was particularly true of Wolfgang, yes, Wolfgang the werewolf. Oh and did I mention that they weren't referred to as Vampires? Oh no, they were called true bloods. There are no words.

It would be a waste of Brandon Rrrrrrrrrouth's time to be in a movie where he isn't shirtless at some point. Which resulted in one of the most awkwardly timed sex scenes in cinematic history. This is essentially the unspoken dialogue from the scene.

Dylan: "So. Yeah. That's pretty much what happened to my dead wife"

Elizabeth: "Oh... K"

Dylan: "Sex?"

Elizabeth: "Sex"

It's definitely worth a viewing, even if you have trouble taking Brandon Rrrrrrrouth seriously after his role as the vegan, bassist, evil ex-boyfriend in Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. He's still a cutie, and I'd love to watch him kick the crap out of some zombies any day of the week.

[manateefair]

Flotsam: Bratz (2007)

Ugh. This movie was so good.

Four girls with completely different personalities and interests find themselves torn apart by the dictatorial caste system of their local high school. The best friends go for several years without speaking, until finally they decide to show the world what friendship is all about by putting together an act for the school's talent show. They tear down the walls between the cliques with their catchy song "Brattitude" (Yup), and prove once and for all to the villainous Meredith (Chelsea Staub) that friendship knows no boundaries.

Potentially my favorite scene in the movie was when Jasmin, the whitest latina I have ever seen, bumps into a cute athlete in the hallway. She apologizes for knocking his books to the floor and he clearly states:

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you, I'm deaf."

Jasmin: "You don't sound deaf!"

Cute Athlete: "Well you don't look ignorant, guess you can't judge a book..."

And then walks away.

Ugh. So good. This movie has everything you need; the evil villain, the four clueless ingenues, a horrifying circus-themed sweet 16 birthday party including original songs and an elephant. If that's not enough to convince you, they somehow got Jon Voight to play Principal Dimly (Yup)

Please watch this movie, so we can be friends.

[manateefair]

The Hunger Games - Lenny Kravitz - Really?

As a mammal who eats roughly 15% of my body weight daily, the concept of a world where there isn't enough food for everyone is downright horrifying. But I screwed my courage to the sticking place and read the entire trilogy in the span of one weekend. The books were great, full of action, adventure, difficult choices and strong characters.

When I heard they were making a movie, I almost cried salty manatee tears. Then, bit by bit, the casting was announced. Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss, Josh Hutcherson as Peeta, and Liam Hemsworth as Gale. 

Fangasm!  I was even sort of okay with Woody Harrelson playing the role of Haymitch. Not a big Harrelson fan, but at least he's an established actor and will probably do okay. And then it was revealed that my favorite character, Cinna the stylist, was to be played by none other than...

Lenny, fricken Kravitz.

Really?

Was EVERYONE else busy?

It's not that I don't think he can do it. I just don't think he can do it.

Sure, he was in Precious, which I didn't actually see, so maybe he has the acting moxie of Humphrey Bogart, I'm just saying that I haven't seen it.

Cinna is far and away one of the most influential characters in the book. He saves Katniss's life, and rocks everybody's world. And they've chosen the singer of the smash hits "I Belong to You" and "Fly Away" to play him.

Nuh uh. Not buying it. We shall just have to wait and see.

[manateefair]

Toddlers & Tiaras Scandal

Wednesday 9/7's episode of Toddlers & Tiaras on TLC is facing some serious controversy over one of the contestant's costumes. Wendy Dickey dressed her three-year-old daughter Paisley in several recreations of costumes from the 1990 Richard Gere and Julia Roberts film Pretty Woman, including most importantly, her hookerwear.

One of the biggest problems facing the youth of America, is the high expectations of parents. Frankly it's about time that a mother stood up and said "Hey, maybe skip medical school. Have you thought of just selling your body?" 

When confronted about her costume choices, Wendy responded with a barrage of excuses, ranging from the fact that the outfit was less revealing than many gymnastics uniforms to the idea that she was a good mother for not forcing her child to play sports and get injured, like so many mothers do.

In the end, Paisley won "Grand Supreme" the highest ranking for her age group. In response Wendy Dickey picked up all of her bags, stormed up to the PTC (Parents Television Council, the group most offended) and said "I was here earlier, and you called me a bad parent, big mistake. Big. Huge."

[manateefair]

Flotsam: Vampire Boys (2011)

Yes. I know. It looks like a gay porn. To be honest that description is only half wrong. Yet despite having the dialogue of a cheesy porn movie, and the lighting quality of an early 90's soap opera, Ariztical Entertainment's Vampire Boys is just a soft-core homosexual version of Twilight. (Which lets face it, is still a step up from Twilight)

So here's the basic story:  A "fresh-faced" young boy named Caleb moves to Los Angeles to attend an unnamed university. He moves in with Paul, an American-Indian looking fellow, who Caleb met by responding to an online ad. Caleb begins to have slightly erotic visions of a stranger, which come true on his very first day at school when he meets Jasin (their spelling, not mine). Paul and Caleb are sitting innocently at the lunch table when Jasin and his "brothers" walk in. 

Jasin, who is very clearly a vampire, must find "THE ONE", a person he intends to spend the rest of his eternal life with, and he must do it before his 100th year as a vampire, or he and his "brothers" will cease to exist! Makes sense. Once their eyes lock, Jasin is certain that Caleb is the one and begins to court him, hard. (Despite protests from one of his vampire friends who hand-selected Tara, a bleach-blonde tramp with two lines and a grand total of 45 seconds of screen time)

Despite sharing a colorist with Anne Heche and a stylist with Ellen Degeneres, Jasin was actually somewhat charming. Even when he showed up in a dark grey, wool peacoat in the middle of August in L.A. (Where have we seen that look before?)

Anyways. So Jacob, oops, I mean Paul ends up being in love with Caleb, so naturally Jasin has his "brothers" brutally murder him and burn his corpse. Seems fair. All while the 100th year deadline quickly approaches! The other vampires decide they can't wait any longer and try to get Jasin to choose the slutty Tara as the one (remember her? yeah, neither did the audience)

 Caleb decides that he will in fact become a vampire, and they all live happily ever after.  Except for Paul, who was viciously murdered and never mentioned again. Oh and Logan, the vampire who tried to get Jasin to choose Tara, who was also viciously murdered. Hmm.

The best scene in the movie, by far, was the "secret meadow" scene. Just like in Twilight, only this time when a plain-looking brunette girl finds herself in a secret meadow in the forest, she’s not there to blink her eyes uncontrollably and watch her boyfriend sparkle in the sunlight. She’s there to initiate a threesome with two very obviously gay boys.  Fortunately the awkward result only lasts a minute before Jasin and company arrive to kill the crap out of them.  Not before Jasin shares an “Open your eyes” moment with one of the gay hikers, before biting him viciously until kool-aid poured from his neck. If only the scene with Bella and Edward had had a similar ending.

Jasin also shares a beautiful story about how he was created by another vampire nearly 100 years ago. He and his maker Naran, were lovers for quite some time. And then in the laziest writing I have ever seen, the following dialogue occurred:

Caleb: "So what happened to him?"

Jasin: "I have no idea."

Done.

And finally, there was the vampire lore. Every film in the genre takes a few liberties, and this was no exception. While sunlight, crosses, garlic and bullets seem to have no effect, apparently vampires are deathly allergic to using contractions when they speak, causing them all to sound like Doug the golden retriever from Disney/Pixar's UP. (I did not like the way that they spoke. No I did not.)

So all in all, pretty terrible. But definitely worth a viewing.

Flotsam for sure. 

[manateefair]

Darling it's Better!

 People often say to me: “Manatee, doesn’t your life get boring? All you do is float around, day in and day out, eating seagrass and trying to avoid speedboats!”

The answer is no, it does not get boring. I have millions of movies to watch, magazines to read and youtube videos of babies laughing to enjoy. I won’t be bored for as long as I live. But it’s high time that I gave you humans the underwater perspective on your pop culture.

So stay tuned for in depth coverage on:

-Flotsam: the movies that are so bad they’re good

-Jetsam: the movies that are so bad they’re bad

-My thoughts on the ridiculous outfits that human celebrities wear

-Any other juicy morsels of pop culture that I come across.

Now clearly, the internet didn’t make it down here for quite some time, so I have some catching up to do. So forgive me if my thoughts aren’t the most modern. But it’s time for the world to see things from my slightly soggy point of view.

-Manatee