manifestwithin-blog - Tumblr blog

manifestwithin-blog · 8 years ago

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At some point in life, you will look back at everything you used to be and realise how much you've grown, and how far you've come - while still, gently, evolving into the person you aspire to be.

A week ago, I spent my Easter break in a beautiful place called Lake Maggiore in Italy, and wrote a little piece of my heart down on paper. Never got the chance to share it...until today.

At 6hAM I woke up to the sight of this. Took a deep a breath and looked back at my life. Who I was, where I was, and where "I AM" today. I personally never thought I'd ever be able to wake up one day and merely smile at the sky; let alone feel 'complete' just by being with myself. It took a lifetime of the unknown to get to this stage. A stage of what I now call "Happiness.”

A friend once told me - many years ago that happiness begins under your roof... I never understood the concept of it, because I was actually under a roof and yet couldn't find happiness... I guess not until many years later down the road did I finally understand the meaning behind "under your roof." Currently, I am on a mother/daughter trip, and so my mama asked me a question just last night.. She asked if I had any regrets... I said "no" - none.

Everything I've ever done, the choices I've made - decisions I took were all mine. Some of the paths I took may not have made sense to others, as they were clearly the wrong ones to walk on - but to my soul and heart they were the roads I needed to take, to feel alive today; back then I didn't know... I just didn't know. I didn't know me... my worth, value, I was just lost.. but I didn't care, I was in search of something... and stubborn as I am, I was determined to find it. Determined to find my peace; even if that cost me going to hell and back.

Today, finally everything makes sense to me... But just remember that in life, not everyone will understand "you" nor your feelings; nor why you feel certain things... or why you took a certain road, when red flags were literally blinding your way - but hey... not everyone is meant to. So what's important is that you do. "You get you" - "you love you." You are the only one putting your head to sleep right, right? :)

But anyway, we are 7 Billion people on earth, maybe a tad bit; and so along the way... one day, you will encounter someone, perhaps a few - who will make sense to your beautiful mind... someone who will make you feel sane... (I call them messengers, human angels) but until then, listen to your inner voice for it truly knows the way.

Knowing me, I always go with my instincts - even if it's the highway to hell... I go... and I don't look back. Because somehow, somewhere, something inside me - tells me I should, and that "I promise you - you will find your way." Crazy, but true. So, I just had to seize that moment, seize the good and the bad... endure the experiences - as they've led me to this moment in my life.

At peace with me. Happy with me. I finally love me. And I believe one of the hardest things for a human being to do, to ever achieve is "self love" - selflessly... when you find yourself laughing at your own jokes, confident in whatever you wear, outspokenly strong in what you truly believe in, proud of the heart you have nurtured, confident in a crowd of strangers, and "still" even when the earth's shaking. That is pure and authentic love to me; And when all you really wanna do is reach out to humanity and tell them "everything's gonna be alright" even when currently it's not, but it will be. Because really, all you wanna do is love, and share love because you are love. And so, I say.. you will smile brighter than the sun one day. No matter where you are, or who you are... Trust me. You will, darling. It took divorced parents, childhood journeys of bewilderment, solitude, failed relationships, a divorced marriage, a lot of fuck my life - where am I going? Unspeakable encounters, heartbroken nights, unforgettable loves, dancing in the rain, twirling around like a half drunk pretty ballerina, freezing your ass off in the cold to get groceries, laying flat like a whale by the beach, dinners with friends, hugs from mama, endless laughters, crazy adventures, talks with strangers, bottles of Godforsaken wine and a lot of guts to pick myself up to find "faith."

It took a lot of conversations with God... it took a lot of me time, alone time, to finally say "amen."

You will hang by a thread of 'hope' but...

The moment you have had enough, enough of feeling pain, enough of being lost, enough of being confused, enough of feeling sorry for your sorry ass, enough of giving yourself excuses, enough of feeling like something is missing.. You finally make a decision in your life; and the moment you do, a wave of epiphany comes rushing through and slaps you right across the face. And just like that - You decide. And that's where and when life begins. You finally decide to carry your sorry ass and elegantly move on...

You wake up one day and realise that life is short, that everything around you is temporary; and when you finally acknowledge that one day you are gonna go down there alone / without even wearing any underwear... You suddenly say, "fuck it all"...I ain't even gonna be wearing any underwear... and you simply surrender. Surrender to God, to whoever and whatever you believe in. And if you believe in nothing - I guarantee you, you are gonna come out believing in something. We live in a vast universe, surrounded with waves of energies... and each and everyone of us has a calling. A voice that needs to be heard, a story that would change a life, a word that could save a soul... It is a moment of awakening... the universe vibes to your own frequency, and so when you are ready to let go...

You fight, fight for your life. Fight to find a purpose and meaning to your existence. And well, that took a lot of "fuck my life" and getting down on my knees to be able to scream in my head "I will make it, I will do it, I will achieve for me to breathe... I just wanted to breathe... for me. Does that make sense? And when you are the type of person who stops at nothing because impossible means nothing to you... when success means everything to you... then you know you wouldn't mind going to hell - if it takes being in heaven for eternity.

Your soul journey is one of the darkest to ever walk on... it is personal, it is lonely, it will ache, you will break and you will cry... but it's damn emancipating. And emancipation feels like a breath of fresh air each and every morning; it feels like heaven when you can put your head to sleep without taking any substance; without needing a person to soothe your pain... without anything. You alone. You alone will cry tears of joy as you have finally come to love and forgive yourself. You will begin to celebrate you. So you will ache, as finding yourself is part of shredding the darkest places of your heart. Places you have no business going to - as for whatever reason you've kept them aside, locked and hidden away.

But darling to allow the light in, you have no other choice but to shred... and that requires you to be naked with your mind, body & soul; to finally fully accept you for who you are... and that is scary... scary shit... but the day you are able to look at yourself in the mirror and call yourself beautiful... you have fully manifested within and mastered you own life. You will give yourself a big fat hug and keep going until you have conquered your vision in life. Your dreams are instilled in your mind for a reason, and you have the power to manifest them. No matter how much criticism you get, no matter how much they try and belittle you... You slap a smile on that good looking face of yours and keep walking head on... Don't you ever look back at what broke you... because what broke 'you', made you, YOU now. So you take the 'you' now - and turn the negative into something positive and keep walking head high; because 'You' matter and 'you' always will. You are love. You are light. You are not alone. You will shine forever, I promise you. From Zeinab with love.

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