marchtothefuckingsea - Tumblr blog

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when i want fluff/angst fics and all i’m getting is smut

the struggle is real

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I know the genie is out of the bottle and you can't go back but dear GOD I hate the mainstreamification of fandom so much

I do NOT want authors or showrunners or actors to acknowledge us or talk about fanfic or fanart or fan theories! I do NOT want people asking questions of the canon creators and getting them answered (make up your own answers, like god intended!) I do NOT want companies making jokey advertisements aimed toward fandom!

I know that fandom was never entirely underground but like... I miss that fourth wall existing, you know?

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i know we all laugh (mostly fondly) about the paper-thin plots in porn that only exist to make the sex happen, but i was reading some old stargate fic over the weekend, and i really think we're sleeping on the paper-thin hurt/comfort plot that only exists to force the characters to FEEL THINGS.

like, is this scenario realistic? no. does it make any rational sense? no. does it provide a built-in excuse for a character to collapse, bloody and disoriented, into the arms of his beloved/friend/partner? obviously, that's the whole point of this exercise.

i love it. it's my favorite thing in the world.

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Humans are born wanderers. Don't tell me you don't wanna veer sharp left off this trail and get lost for 30 days. I fucking know you do, deep down. You love it.

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ＦＥＲＡＬ ＷＯＭＡＮ | 𝕤𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕤 𝕞𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥

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PAIRING(s): Joel Miller x fem!OC/reader

RATING: explicit material | 18+

CONTENT: material related to SA, physical violence, captivity, trauma, slave trader, typical canon violence, and explicit sexual content (later chapters)

SA/DV survivors idk bestie you might wanna skip this one unless you’ve got some therapy under your belt already

SYNOPSIS: You are the ex-captive of a slaver group’s ringleader. Now that you are free, you have to navigate your newfound freedom and all the terrifying things that brings. Will you ever be able to feel safe enough again to let others in or will you always struggle with the walls you’ve built over the years to protect yourself? Spoiler: PTSD and trauma are complicated and difficult, but we like “and they lived happily ever after” vibes around these here parts. WORD COUNT: 63.8k (as of chapter 10)

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Chapter 1 - Hungry Dogs Are Never Loyal Chapter 2 - Not Yet Corpses, But Still We Rot Chapter 3 - Most Days I Am a Museum of Things I Want To Forget Chapter 4 - I'm Standing on the Ashes of Who I Used To Be Chapter 5 - I Hold a Beast, an Angel, and a Madman in Me Chapter 6 - I Clung To Your Hands So That Something Human Might Exist in the Chaos Chapter 7 - Your Need Grows Teeth Chapter 8 - The Cicada's Song Chapter 9 - Down To the Marrow Chapter 10 - Don't Run. You Will Only Die Tired.

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 Feral Masterlist

Joel Miller x Feral Reader/OFC

(You’ve all lovingly named this character Feral Reader, but she’s referenced as Starshine or Red sometimes in the stories.)

Warning: Explicit Content, Graphic Violence, Trauma, PTSD

(Put in order of story timeline)

Monsters Two-Shot | (18+ Minors DNI) | 3rd POV | AO3 Part 1 | Part 2 Honey One-Shot | (18+ Minors DNI) | 3rd POV | AO3 The first time there was an excuse, the second time was just about release after a hard day.

Be Still Drabble | 3rd POV | AO3 It takes her a while to notice. Joel is having a panic attack. Bitter Two-Shot | 3rd POV | AO3 Joel makes a decision for all of them when they finally find Tommy in Jackson. Part 1 | Part 2 Violent Delights One-Shot | 3rd POV | AO3 With Joel injured and Ellie captured, she has to make a choice. Violent Ends One-Shot | 3rd POV | AO3 They find the Fireflies and one by one, the lights go out.  Crossword Snippet | 3rd POV | AO3 It’s the first time their group has been split up and Joel definitely isn’t waiting for you at the gates.

Daisies Drabble | 3rd POV | AO3 The women of Jackson have their eyes set on Joel Miller.

Beast One-Shot | 18+ Minors DNI for Graphic Violence | 3rd POV | AO3 All she can see is that he’s hurt and she would tear them apart. Left Behind One-Shot | 3rd POV | AO3 Settling into life in Jackson wasn’t going so easily and Joel is hit with the possibility she may not be welcomed to stay. Territorial One-Shot | 3rd POV | AO3 She never paid attention to the newcomers when they joined Jackson until one of them begins to get close to Joel. Dominant One-Shot | 3rd POV | AO3 Jealousy and rationality don’t mix. Hero Worship Drabble | 3rd POV Ellie has a little admirer  Your Bury Me One-Shot | 3rd POV | AO3 A failed trade, a dress, music, and their own form of confession. Mine Drabble | 3rd POV He doesn’t like other’s attention on her

Drabbles:

Reckless: Ellie gets mad at her for being too careless with herself Red’s Personality ***Red Integrating Into Jackson Headcanons ***Red and Joel Headcanons Does Red ever try singing again? ***Tommy x Red Headcanons Tommy after the punch ***Ellie x Red Headcanons ***Joel falling for Red Headcanons Red is Ellie’s Mom Gifts from the Barn Cat The Morning After Bitter Part 2 Joel’s Nightmares ***Moments in Domesticity Headcanons ***Ellie and Red arguement Headcanons

Asks

Where does Red met them in the timeline? TLOU Part 2 Question Sunshine Bestie Red and cheating scenario Romance and Connections Red and Pregnancies Maria and Red’s relationship Ellie’s Adjustment Maria standing up for Red Reds Triggers Red & the baby (More) When Reds Sick Annie’s Birthday Joel Calming Red Down Red’s Trinkets

________________________________ If you would like to be added to a taglist for this series, please reply to this post! Taglist: @alouise20 @faceache111​ @hawsx3 @taxidriversainz @iluvbunnyhops @mrfitzdarcyslover @emlovesya  @agent007knight @spaacerabbit @namgification @wonwoosthetic  @wxnderingthoughts @sagggy @escaping-reality8 @badwolf00593​ @themothersmercy @badwolf00593 @mxtokko @happinessinthebeing​ @taranicristeard  @aroacefanenby @barbellpedro  @maviee​ @sgt-morgan @peppesgirl​ @spideysimpossiblegirl ​ @hreader7​ @jackierose902109

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How to torture a writer:

Send writing prompts which you know they'll like. Send lots of them. Keep sending them. Dont stop.

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Commission of Jesus with the client's cat oc :]

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important account update thing if anyone is still following/wants to see my writing

I'm going to be changing blogs! I actually have been writing a little bit still, but ive been posting on ao3 because its easier. i want to use tumblr, i really do, but having multiple accounts for different things fuckin suckssss and i hate it. as much as i also hate to lose the reblogs and stuff on the things I've already posted here, that's not what I'm here for.

basically, this blog will be deleted (or IA, I havent decided yet.), and I'll have a primary for ✨️normal✨️ things (because I do not wanna be associated with my writing at all lmao) and a secondary for writing. this way I'll definitely be more active!! because that's about the only reason this account has went to hell.

so! this is just a fair warning. I'm not sure how long it'll take me to get around to this, but probably soon. I'll let you guys know the secondary blog, and if any of you are interested in actually following me, then dm me and I can give you the name of the primary!

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i know we’re both just messing around pretending to be whole but look at me. if the train was coming would you move. if the ground was falling from under your feet would you even notice or would it just be another tuesday for you. if somebody stabbed you could it hurt worse than you already do. what i’m saying is that i love you but i think we both drive over the speed limit when it’s raining. what i’m saying is that i want to hold your hand and i understand about how you sometimes have to sit down in the shower. what i’m saying is that i’m here for you and if the train comes please move.

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i got rickrolled today but it didn't work because i have adblocker installed, so youtube just told me i violated the terms of service. yesterday i was trying to edit a picture as a joke for my girlfriend, and google made me check a box to prove i'm human because i wasn't "searching normally".

it isn't just that capitalism is killing fun and whimsy, it is that any element of entertainment or joy is being fed upon by this mosquito body, one that will suck you dry at any vulnerability.

do you want to meet new friends in your city? download this app, visit our website, sign up for our email list. pay for this class on making a terrarium, on candlemaking, on cooking. it will be 90 dollars a session. you can go to group fitness, but only under our specific gym membership. solve the puzzle, sign up for our puzzle-of-the-month-club. what is a club if not just a paid opportunity - you are all paying for the same thing, which makes you a community.

but you're like me, i know it - you're careful, you try the library meetings and the stuff at the local school and all of that. the problem is that you kind of want really specific opportunities that used to exist. you are so grateful for libraries and the publicly-funded things: they are, however, an exception - and everything they have, they've fought tooth-and-nail to protect. you read a headline about how in many other states, libraries have virtually nothing left.

do you want to meet up with your friends afterwards? gift your friends the discord app. you can choose to go to a cafe (buy a coffee, at least), a bar (money, alcohol) or you can all stay in and catch a movie (streaming) or you can all stay in bed (rent. don't get me started) and scream (noise complaint. ticket at least).

you want to read a new book, but the book has to have 124 buzzwords from tiktok readers that are, like, weirdly horny. you can purchase this audiobook on audible! your podcast isn't on spotify, it's on its own server, pay for a different site. fuck, at least you're supporting artists you like. the art museum just raised their ticket price. once, they had a temporary exhibit that acknowledged that ~85% of their permanent art galleries were from cis white men, and that they had thousands of works by women (even famous women, like frida! georgia o'keefe!) just rotting in their basement. that exhibit lasted for 3 months and then they put everything away again.

walmart proudly supports this strip of land by the street! here are some flowers with wilting leaves. its employees have to pay out-of-pocket for their uniforms. my friend once got fined by the city because she organized a community pick-up of the riverfront, which was technically private property.

no, you cannot afford to take that dance class, neither can i. by the way - i'm a teacher. i'm absolutely not saying "educators shouldn't be paid fairly." i'm saying that when i taught classes, renting a studio went from 20 bucks an hour to 180 in the span of 6 months. no significant changes to the studio were made, except they now list the place as updated and friendly. the heat still doesn't work in the building. i have literally never seen the landlord who ignores my emails. recently they've been renting it out at night as an "unusual nightclub; a once-in-a-lifetime close-knit party." they spent some of those 180 dollars on LEDs and called it renovating. the high heels they invite in have been ruining the marley.

do you want to experience the old internet? do you want to play flash games or get back the temporary joy of club penguin? you can, you just need to pay for it. i have a weird, neurodivergent obsession with occasionally checking in to watch the downfall and NFT-ification of neopets. if i'm honest with you all - i never got into webkins, my family didn't have the money to buy me a pointless elephant. people forget that "being poor" can mean literally "if i buy you that toy, i can't afford rent."

you and i don't have time to make good food, and we don't have the budget for it. we are not gonna be able to host dinner parties, we're not made of money, kid. do you want some kind of 3rd space? a space that isn't home or work or school? you could try being online, but - what places actually exist for you? tiktok counts as social media because you see other people on it, not because they actually talk to you.

there was a local winter tradition of sledding down the hill at my school. kids would use pizza boxes and jackets and whatever worked, howling and laughing. back in september, they made a big announcement that this time, rules were changing, and everyone must pay 10 dollars to participate. when im not scared shitless, i kind of appreciate the environmental irony - it hasn't gone below 40. so much for snow & joyriding.

i saw a bulletin for a local dogwalking group and, nervous about making a good first impression, showed up early. the first guy there grimaced at me. "sorry," he said. "there's a 30-dollar buy-in fee." i thought he was joking. wait. for what? the group doesn't offer anything except friendship and people with whom to walk around the city.

he didn't know the answer. just shrugged at me. "you know," he said. "these days, everything costs money."

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ever since i learned about ghost buildings i haven't been able to stop thinking about them

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Four Magic Healing Whump Ideas

Magic healing where the whumpee can feel everything happening, and it HURTS

Magic healing that makes the whumpee sleepy (bonus points if they fall asleep on the caretaker’s shoulder/lap)

Magic healing that just plain hurts

Magic healing that feels good (and/or comforting)

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john the baptist doodlin

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the hypothermia trope will NEVER get old

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Joel Miller x Reader !GUILTY!

*I KINDA HATE THIS STORY BUT I SPENT A LOT OF TIME WRITING IT SO I DECIDED TO POST IT INSTEAD OF KEEPING IT IN MY DRAFTS... ENJOY<3*

This was new to him. New to both of you… But he wasn’t handling it well. He didn’t like the responsibility of you. He pushed everyone away and kept them a arms length away.. But somehow you were able to wiggle yourself deep into his heart. Further than anybody has since the apocalypse started.

But even though it was nice having a partner again he kind of hated it. He hated worrying about you, he hated feeling like you had to rely on him for everything (even though you told him you didn’t need to rely on him), and he hated the thought of something ever happening to you. He didn’t know what he would do if you got infected, killed… Or if you even died of a natural cause. The though just haunted him, and he hated it. So… To get you back at arms length he decided to push you away.

He had been ignoring you the last few days and it was driving you crazy. When you tried speaking to him he just grumble or grunt at you before walking off. You were confused on what you did wrong.

And the shared home you two had felt lonely and quiet because he was working so late and getting up so early. He was avoiding you, and you wanted to know why. So you waited for him. You were exhausted but you waited for him. It took a long time but he finally came home. You were sitting in the Livingroom and you watched him take off his jacket before making eye contact with you. “Joel. Sit.” You ordered. He looked away, “I’m tired.” Wow. He speaks. Granted it was only two words but it was the most he said to you in days. “I don’t care. Sit.” You ordered. He sighed and looked around for a moment, taking off his gloves and putting it in the pockets of his jacket that he just hung up.

He decided to lean against the doorframe and you scoffed. “You… You are a stubborn man.” You say while shaking your head. Normally he would’ve shot a remark back, saying something on the line of ‘is that really a shock’ or ‘you’re just finding this out’… But he kept his mouth shut and he continued to stare at you.

And because of him standing you decided to stand up yourself. You took a few steps towards him, still keeping a distance, and you cross your arms over your chest. “What’s going on?” You ask. “Nothing.” He says with a blank stare. “Bullshit.” You snap. He continued to stare at you blankly. “You’ve been ignoring me for days. It’s like you want nothing to do with me.” You say with a sad shrug. “Is there something going on with you? Did I do something wrong?” You ask. He sighs and looks down, “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I just don’t want anything to do with you?” He asked, still staring at the floor. You stare at him wide eyed, this wasn’t Joel… Why was he acting like this? “Huh?” “Have you even thought that maybe I’m avoiding you is because I don’t want anything to do with you? That maybe I’m not in love with you anymore?” His voice was rising and your heart began to race. “Or maybe I wasn’t in love with you in the first place.” He mumbled, finally looking at you. You paused for a moment before letting out a shaky breath, “Joel.. This… This the part where you apologize.” “No this is the part where you leave.” Your heart dropped. He was kicking you out? “And go where?” You ask. You had no where else to go. “There’s a blizzard outside.” You say while pointing to the window.. “Not my problem.” He answered.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” You ask, tears welling in your eyes,

No, no this wasn’t right. He was going too far. He was pushing you away too far.. But it was too late. The damage was already done. He swallowed the lump in his throat and continued to give you his famous blank stare. You scoff as a tear fell from your eye. “Fuck you.” You say in disbelief. You walk over to the front door and threw your coat over your body and quickly put on your boots. You took one last look at him before you left. He was standing in the same spot, he hadn’t moved. You shake your head before storming out of the house, his heart following you close behind.

You walked around the city, not knowing where to go or what to do. But you knew you had to get out of there. You ran over to the stables and saw Tommy coming out with one of his lookout buddies. You hop onto a horse and start to charge for the gates as they closed. “Y/N? Y/N?!” Tommy tried stopping you, he knew you were going to die if you left. But as the gates closed you managed to fit the gap right before they shut. “Shit… Shit!” Tommy yelled.

When you thought you were safe you slowed your horse down and it started to walk. It was freezing, and you started to regret your decision. You turned your head, then again, and again. Where did you come from? Panic rose in your body, you were lost. In a blizzard. You had no idea where you were. The tracks your horse left behind were already filled. The only thing you could do was go in the direction you thought was right and hope for the best.

Your horse walked for awhile, you felt bad because you knew it was freezing. And just as things couldn’t get worse you heard loud screaming… But it wasn’t of a person. Right in front of you saw a runner charge towards you. You turn your horse around and tried going in the other direction, but more and more runners showed up.

You were surrounded..

Joel felt his heart break when you left. He didn’t want to take it that far but he did. He slowly walked over to his couch and sat down, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. He held onto his head and fought off the urge to go after you. He wanted to. Every fiber in his body was screaming at him to get off this couch and go after you. But he didn’t. He thought this was for the best.

He didn’t know how long he was sitting there but the sound of his front door slamming open brought him back to reality. “JOEL?” Tommy called before he saw his brother in the Living-room. “Joel. Fuckin’ Y/N ran out of the gates before they closed.” Tommy says, huffing and puffing the process since it was obvious he ran here. Joel’s heart sank as he stood onto his feet. “What?” “No time to explain. We need to find her before she gets herself killed.” Joel nodded, not wanting to waste anytime. He grabbed his goat and followed his younger brother to the stables.

Both Joel and Tommy got onto their horses and ran through the gates that were slightly open again just for them. "Shit there's no tracks!" Tommy yelled through the sounds of wing whistling through the air. "We'll find her!" Joel called. You wouldn't go far, you never went far.

Him and Tommy rode through the snow but Joel suddenly stopped. "What?" Tommy says. Joel nodded his head towards what he was looking at. Tommy's eyes land on a puddle of cold, fresh blood. It was easily five, ten minutes old as it was only now starting to freeze over. The warmth of the blood probably kept it exposed for this long. Both Tommy and Joel's heart was racing. "We gotta find her.." Joel mumbled, he wasn't even sure Tommy could hear him but he had to say it for himself too. Joel followed the droplets of blood, them getting from smaller to bigger. He was getting close, he just knew it. He followed the blood until Tommy stopped him, "Joel. Look." He says. Joel looked where Tommy was pointing to see a huge chunk of snow that was dark red. There was something under it.

Joel looked up and saw the snow on top of the mountain edge had fallen onto this. He quickly hopped off his horse and ran towards the lump. "JOEL! Shit." Tommy yells while trying to get his brothers attention. Joel ignored him and ran towards the lump in the snow. He fell to his knees and started to tunnel through the snow. Thank god he had his gloves on, otherwise he would've frozen his hands off.

As he tunneled through the bloody snow he was just hoping, praying, you weren't under it. He finally made it to the body underneath, and thank god... It was the horse. He sighed in relief but he saw a hand of a runner twitching under the snow. He backed off and looked over the landscape.

"Jesus... It's mutilated. Is she around?" Tommy asks. Joel looked around, "Y/N?!" He called. He continued calling for you, he screamed out your name hoping for a answer back.

And then he heard it... "Joel?" The sound of your voice echoed through he trees, you weren't able to yell loud. When you heard Joel yelling for you, you were barely clinging onto life. Your hands were numb from the lack of gloves and you could barely feel your feet and legs. You were still moving though, still fighting to live. But you were growing tired and your body was giving out on you. But when you heard Joel yelling for you, you felt a sense of hope.

You turned to the voice, it was coming from where you came from. You started to call for him and dragged your feet through the snow to get to his voice.. But then you collapsed. You then took what felt like your last breaths. Your body was cold and numb and you couldn't move... But you managed to mumble out one last thing..

"Joel.."

When Joel heard you yelling for him back he continued to call for you, before sprinting in the direction of your voice. Tommy groaned and tried calling after Joel, but Joel didn't listen. He yelled for you and you yelled back... Until you didn't. He began to panic more and he continued to run.

He then stopped when he saw your lifeless body face down in the snow. When he started running again he slid on his knees as he fell to the ground next to you. "Y/N?" He says while rolling you over onto your back. Your skin was pale and your lips were a light shade of blue. He pulled you close and held you in his arms. He moved his ear down to your cold lips and he paid close attention. He heard Tommy showing up behind him on his horse, Joel's horse following close behind as Tommy held onto it's lead. Joel shuttered, but not from the cold. "She's not breathing." He says in a voice of panic. He laid you down on his lap and started to take off his gloves. "Get her warm. Get her blood pumping." Tommy ordered. Joel put his gloves onto your freezing hands and he quickly took off his jacket and putting it on over your body. When he felt your skin it didn’t even feel human anymore.. It didn’t feel like you anymore.

He picked you up and carried you bridal style. He got onto his horse with you in his arms. "We need to get her to the infirmary." Joel yells before his horse took off. He held your head close to his chest, hopefully his body heat would help. When they made it back to Jackson he didn't bother getting off his horse, he proceeded to ride on his horse until he stopped in front of the infirmary.

He hopped off his horse, you still in his arms, and he ran inside of the infirmary. He begged for help, yelling at the top of his lungs that you weren't breathing. The nurses and doctors scrambled to help you out. A nurse lugged out a metal table and told him to lay you onto it.

He did what he was told and the nurses scrambled to get blankets and things to warm you up. Joel was so invested on what they were doing that he hadn't even realized Tommy was behind him. "Joel. Let's leave them take care of her alright?" Tommy says while touching his shoulder. Joel nodded and he followed Tommy out onto the porch of the infirmary.

Two hours went by and the word spread around that you weren't okay. Soon Ellie, Dina, Jesse, and Maria showed up. Everyone was pacing around the porch, all besides Joel. He was sitting down, his face buried in his hands.

"What's taking so fuckin' long?" Ellie hisses. "It takes time Ellie. Be patient." Maria says while touching her arm. Joel was getting antsy too even though it didn't look like it. He was honestly thinking the same thing, what was taking them so long?

And just as he was about to snap the door to the infirmary opened. Joel looked up to make sure it was a nurse and when he realized it was one he jolted out of his seat and walked over to her. "Is she alright?" He asked in a panic. "She's stable. Whether we know she's alright or not we still don't know. But she's alive." The nurse says with a nod. It was a relief, but Joel was still slightly confused. "What do you mean 'you don't know'?" He asks. "Time will tell. She could have issues we wont be able to detect until she's awake and can answer our questions. Her hands and feet are twitching which is a good sign." They explained.

"But when you brought her to us she had already been dead for a few minutes. She wasn't breathing and her heart had stopped. That alone could cause severe psychical and psychological trauma. And she also had hypothermia which could possibly give her brain damage." They explained. "You all can see her. Just... One at a time." They explain before stepping inside of the building.

Joel hung his head low, "Y'all go first I'll.. Go last." He walked back over to the seat he was in and sat down. “Joel she doesn’t want to be around us… She wants you-“ “Ellie, please.” Joel says while interrupting her. She frowned and shook her head. “Fine.” She huffed.

As time flew by every person had their turn and now it was his. He took a gulp before going into the infirmary. When he made it to your room his eyes scanned the place until his eyes fell on you. You were in a bed this time. He stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He walked over to you and looked at you. You looked so so much better. Your skin had some color to it and your lips were still slightly pale but they weren’t blue, which was a good sign. You had heavy blankets over your body and a hot wash cloth over your forehead. Joel could see from the collar of your jacket that you were still wearing his jacket.

He hadn’t even noticed how cold he was until he remembered he gave you his jacket. But he didn’t mind nor was he taking it back anytime soon. He grabbed the chair that was next to your bed, which he was sure everyone sat in beforehand, and sat down. He watched you for a moment, he felt like absolute shit.

He then snuck his hand under your blanket and rested his hand on yours. Your hands were warm.. Different than before. Before your hands felt cold and stiff, and now they were warm and soft like they usually are. Your fingers twitched under his hand and he remembered what the doctor said, ‘Her hands and feet are twitching which is a good sign.’ But it still didn’t feel good. He felt horrible it came to this. Horrible that because of him you ran off and almost died.

Joel moved his hand away and rested his elbow on the armrest of the chair and placed his cheek on his closed fist. He watched you until he felt himself falling into a deep sleep.

A few more hours went by and you started to stir in your sleep. You opened your eyes and cringed away from the light shining above your head. You covered it with your forearm before taking in the smell of your surroundings.. It smelled like… Medicine? You look sit up slightly and notice you’re in the infirmary. Then the memory of what happened flooded back into your mind. You were almost dead… Or did you die? You couldn’t remember. You turned to the window and saw it was still dark out. You then realized you weren’t alone in the room as you heard light snoring behind you. You turn your head to see Joel sleeping in the chair next to your bed.

The last thing you remember was Joel calling for you before you collapsed. He saved your life.

Not wanting to wake him, you slowly moved your legs from under the blanket and you swung them over the edge of your bed. You felt weak and you knew walking wasn’t going to be easy. So you slowly moved your feet onto the ground and you tried your best to stand up. You wobbled around and groaned at the full body pain you were experiencing. Your muscles and joints were so sore.

When you regained some balance you nodded your head. You mumbled some praises to yourself and took a deep breath. You went to go and take a step but your leg could barely touch the ground before your other leg gave out on you.

Your body hit the ground with a loud thud and you coughed as you felt the wind get knocked out of your body. “Ow..” You say with a groan. You then felt a pair of hands gently grab your arms and lift you up off the ground. “Why the hell are you up?” Joel hisses. “I was going to go and tell a nurse I’m breathing.” You say. “You could’ve woken me up.” “Didn’t want to. You needed the sleep.” You say as Joel helps you back onto the bed. “I’ll go get the nurse.” He says, not even looking you in the eye. He walks out of the room and you frown.

You were convinced he was like this because of the things he said earlier. That he doesn’t love you but still feels a responsibility for you. After a minute Joel comes back in with a nurse. “How are you feeling?” She asks. “Achy.” You answered with a shrug.

After the nurse was finished examining you she said to just lay back and rest and she’ll check on you in a few hours. So she left you and Joel alone.. To sit in awkward silence.

But you had a question. One that was bothering you when you first woke up. “Joel.” He nodded his head towards you, indicating he was listening but he still didn’t look at you. “Did you mean it?” You ask. “Mean what?” He asks. “That you don’t love me..?” You ask in a low tone of voice. You sounded pitiful as you were trying to hold back tears the best way you could.

He continued staring at the floor and he furrowed his eyebrows. “That’s what you’re thinking about? You almost died.. And that’s what you’re thinking about.” He scoffed at you. “Actually you did die. Does that not bother you?” He asks while shaking his head. “Yes. But I’m alive now. So it doesn’t matter.” “It does matter-“ He snapped, but he stopped himself. “He continued staring at the floor and he furrowed his eyebrows. “That’s what you’re thinking about? You almost died.. And that’s what you’re thinking about.” He scoffed at you. “Actually you did die. Does that not bother you?” He asks while shaking his head. “Yes. But I’m alive now. So it doesn’t matter.” “It does matter-!“ He snapped, but he stopped himself.

“I’m gonna go…” He goes to walk for the door but you gasp, “Wait! Wait!” You lunge forward in your bed. Joel stops and he finally looks at you. He sees the panic in your face and he starts to cave. “Please… Please don’t go." You begged. Joel hesitated, he glanced at the door before looking back at you. He looked down and nodded before walking back over to the seat he was in and sat down.

Awkward silence filled the air and you stared down at your still gloved hands. You didn't know what to say... But he did. "No." You looked up at him. "No what?" You ask. "No I didn't mean it." You stare at him for a moment before looking back at your hands. "Then why did you say it?" You ask. When he didn't answer you sighed in frustration, "Look I think I deserve the right to know." You say while rolling your eyes. "I wanted to push you away." You scoff, "Why?" "For reasons like this." He says with his voice slightly rising. "I don't understand." You say while furrowing your eyebrows in confusion and frustration.

"I'm not used to someone being this close. And the thought of losing you scares me." He admits. You sit there dumbfounded. A part of you wanted to sympathize with him, but the other part knew you couldn't. "So you treat me like that because you're afraid...?" You mumble.

"No. No you don't get to push me away because you're afraid." He sighed, "Y/N-" "NO!" You shout. "You think I'm not afraid? Every time you go out on lookouts I expect a knock on my door telling me you're dead." You voice began to crack at the sudden rise in emotion in your body. "If it's not runners or clickers I'm worrying about it's the enemies you've made. You have a huge target on your back from all the shit you did when you brought Ellie across the country." You say as tears fell from your eyes. "But I don't give up. Even when I'm afraid. Because if I gave up, if any of us gave up... We'd have nothing. And we'd make no progress." You shake your head and look down at your bed. "And it's okay to be afraid. But you should be able to tell me your fears instead of just giving up." You wipe your tears and sigh in frustration.

Joel was silent. He was processing what you were saying, but of course... You were right. As always. When he didn't answer quick enough you scoffed, "If you wanna leave just go. I'm not stopping you this time." You turn your head to the side to make sure he doesn't see you at all.

Joel sighs before getting up out of his chair. He walked over to your bed and sat down down next to you. He wrapped one of his arms around your shoulders and pulled you close. "No.. I'm not letting you go this time." He says. You rest your head against his chest and he places a kiss on the top of you head.

"I'm sorry."

MASTERLIST