marialexandraf

[marialexandraf]

October 13 ☽ Moon, tell me if I could send up my heart to you.

September 6

I'm going back to get an updated check and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for another chance encounter with you. But this time, I don't even know what to do if I do.

Should I simply pass by without acknowledging you, or should I greet you with a friendly "Hello"? Perhaps it's worth asking, "Hey, how have you been? I noticed you blocked me the other day, and I just want to know the reason why."

September 7

Nothing. Nada. You weren't there today. I've been mulling it over a thousand times. Why would you do that? For no reason. It was so hurtful. This is the first time I've encountered rejection in a friendship. It's not okay. I'm not okay.

But I'll respect your decision and let you go.

September 11

Today I harbor feelings of resentment towards you.

Why would I force a connection from someone who clearly doesn't want me in their life? If you would've cared at all, you would make an effort to respond. I guess I didn't stand out and or I didn't do much for you to remember me.

I realize I may be coming across as entitled and irrational. My thoughts are consumed by hopeful wishes. Crazy. Stupid. This isn't me.

[marialexandraf]

I wish I hugged you tight the last time that I saw you.

September 1 -- Yesterday, I went to Mabini to get my check hoping I would run into you. I imagined I would ignore you at first, but despite my rbf you would still say "hi alex!" with your smiley face. Isaiah told me through text there was no meeting for that week. I told him I brought some snacks. As soon as I got home, I also texted you just to say hello, ask how you are, and let you know I was in Mabini.

"Hello!"

I forgot about the message until the following day since my notifications were turned off. I checked to see if you replied. Seen with the double check mark. That's okay, I didn't expect a reply anyway. But your profile picture was gone. Your status said "last seen along time ago."

My jaw dropped. My heart sank.

My ex and I blocked and unblocked each other when the relationship was about to end. I remember that these were the indications that I would check if I was blocked again. I remember it all too well.

And I'm seeing it again. Not from him; but from you.

Unexpectedly. For no reason at all. What have I done wrong?

I cried myself to sleep tonight.

[marialexandraf]

August 12 • Quarter Life

I am truly grateful, for the gift of life. But to think about my age brings me tears. It's depressing. It feels like I have missed out so much on life. On experiences and opportunities for personal growth. A big part of me wishes that I had achieved more during my early twenties. I wish I wasn't angry all the time during my college years and I wish I did not focus on the distractions that came with being interested in the wrong men. I wish I had dedicated time to studying and taken risks by putting myself out there. It also would have been so nice if my mother hadn't been so strict. Above all else.. I wish I wasn't afraid.

Fear. That's what kept me from doing the things I want to do. And has proven to be the hurdle in my life, stopping me from pursuing my dreams and becoming the person I aspire to be and making the most of my potential.

But this all changed when I realized I deserve better. I experienced heartbreak in 2022 caused by an irrelevant man with a receding hairline. Oddly enough, I found gratitude in the pain it brought me. I told myself nothing and nobody could ever hurt me again. I will not settle. I will not chase. I'm still on this journey of self-discovery and growth. It's undeniably challenging, especially as I'm no longer as young as I once was. It's really hard. But I promise to treat myself kindly along this path, to cherish and nurture self-love, and to continually strive for improvement.

The journey of self-growth and self-improvement has proven to be one of the most challenging, most painful experience in my life, and I doubt if anyone could truly understand. I used to be very laid-back, passive, and indifferent to the world around me. But now, I'm committed to putting myself out there more and live my best life. I am not afraid anymore.

Day by day. Slowly but surely. Kindly.

[marialexandraf]

July 31 • Maybe I pushed you away cause I thought that I'd bore you.

I wish you would reach out to me.

[marialexandraf]

Thursday, July 13, 2023. That was the last time I saw you. I was really hoping I'd see you again the next day. I wanted to say thank you. I wanted a hug. I wanted to say "your shirt is so cute!" or "you have cute cheeks" or just a goodbye.

I loved your warmness. The energy you bring when you arrive. I loved being near you. Thank you for making us laugh. Thank you for saying hi even when I'm sungit. Thank you for being a kind human being. I wish you stayed at the table longer. I wish you stayed everyday.

[marialexandraf]

Today is July 23. Hi, how are you? It's 3 AM, and my thoughts are consumed by you. I can't help but wonder why I'm feeling so emotional over something insignificant. I'm questioning myself, trying to understand the root of it all -- Is it because I miss you that much? Do I long for a meaningful conversation with you? Do I regret being unfriendly to you in the past? Or is it the thought of never seeing you again that's weighing on my heart?

Despite the uncertainty, there's an inexplicable feeling that our paths will again. I know I'll see you again.

[marialexandraf]

Hey, it's AF. I've started this blog as a place to jot down my thoughts and emotions, like a safe haven where there's no judgment and no evil eye—just total freedom. I am not in any way good in writing, and I plan to keep this blog a secret anyway, but I'll still try. I've been contemplating creating a blog on a different site, but something about returning to Tumblr gave me a rush of nostalgia. From my high school days right through my early twenties, I spent a lot of time browsing and reblogging here. My interests varied from fashion and makeup to matters of the heart, heartaches, even some sex -- this is my old blog: everydayalexx.tumblr.com. No words, just pretty pictures.

So this time, I've decided to take all those thoughts I've been keeping in my Notes app and pour them out here.

So here goes my first post.

Today is September 7, 2023 and the past few months have been a real rollercoaster. I unexpectedly lost my job. What boggles my mind is that there wasn't even a prior meeting or discussion about it. I was new, navigating new processes, a new environment, basically a whole new world for me. Did my boss expect me to be perfect right off the bat and not make mistakes? Was I not allowed to be a beginner? Why didn't they inform me that things would be done differently than what they told me in the first month? I could have adapted to the situation with some time and guidance. I would have trained myself, learned quickly. But no, I wasn't given that opportunity.

Believe it or not, I craved that challenge. I needed it to be tough for my own personal growth. Looking back, I think it might've worked out for the better because it felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Sometimes, I wonder if that job just wasn't meant for me. Perhaps I'm destined for something greater. They might not realize that I would've done anything to adapt and stay, but then again, I won't fight tooth and nail for something or someone who wants me out.

In the days that followed, I found myself in a lonely place. I was grappling with confusion, hurt, and disappointment. Tears flowed freely because it all felt so unjust. Deep down, I knew this was just life playing its hand - you experience pain, you come to terms with it, and ultimately, you learn from it.

Most of my tears were shed because of a special someone. I missed him so much. All I wanted was a chance to spend time with him. And it wasn't about anything else, nothing more than that. Just time - to sit across the table from him, to share in his laughter, to hear his voice, and simply to bask in his presence in the room. Since I lost that job, I lost the chance to be friends with him too.

Some of my posts are going to be dedicated to that special person. Writing as a way for me to hopefully let go. Somehow. Everything I've written up to today was stored in my notes and is now finding a new place here.