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[marilynkae]

Men/Boys/Kissing

The following piece appears in print in the Australian magazine, smith journal.  

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I was running this morning and passed a guy who was probably in his sixties.

He was walking in the opposite direction I was running and as we passed he said “Good morning.”

I said “Hi” and kept running. I thought about his face and the grey stubble on his cheeks and the set of his mouth. And for some reason I imagined him kissing me and feeling that stubble on my cheek and catching the smell of his breath and perhaps a hint of Aqua Velva. Then I imagined my dad kissing me when I was a boy, to say good morning or good night, and how good that felt. I thought about how happy that probably made him, now that I have two sons of my own, both under the age of three, and I know how much I enjoy kissing their smooth little cheeks. I almost cried and thought I might, but then didn’t, since I had a way to go before I got home and didn’t want anyone to have to see a 6’3”, 230 pound bearded man running down the street in tears in bright workout gear on their way to work or school.

“It’s cool!” I would have assured them, “I’m just thinking about men and boys kissing each other in the context of fatherhood! Not a big deal.”

If you have kids, moments like the one I’ve described above will take place. Perhaps you’ve heard that having kids makes your heart grow in size. This is true, but the growth isn’t neat. Think of it this way: if your heart were a house, having kids doesn’t put an addition on your heart; it explodes your heart with dynamite stolen from a local construction site and then tasks you with rebuilding it five times larger out of the remains you find where your house once was, plus any miscellaneous garbage that might be laying about, some road kill and a few truck loads of silt from the nearest river.

My sons are male, which is the second most popular gender on earth. Before my wife and I had any kids, I’d wanted to have girls. I just thought girls would awaken the fathering instinct in me faster or more thoroughly or something. I know some men would rather have boys and they can be quite vocal about it. They worry about having to protect their daughters, real or imagined, from men. Men like them? Are you afraid men will treat your daughter the way you’ve treated women? Or do you doubt that a girl raised with love of all varieties, tough included, can handle herself in the world? Is it misogyny or self-loathing? Flip a coin; they’re both awful. You should do cartwheels in the street if you have a daughter.

But another thing I’m learning is that that same worldview does a gross disservice to the act of parenting boys. If you need to dote on your daughter and shield her from reality or she’ll crumble or be torn apart by wolf-men, does it follow that boys just raise themselves? No attention required? Can boys not be damaged or led astray? As the father of two boys, are my responsibilities few? Here’s just one reason the way I raise my sons matters to the world at large: my sons will one day wander out into the world and meet your daughters. So one hopes I instill in them, and model for them, behavior that is rooted in kindness, compassion and fundamental respect of others. As well as a work ethic, strength, and the discipline to survive to adulthood in one piece.

It is instructive to examine your feelings very closely when you find out the gender of your child. As I said, before I met him, I’d hoped our first son would be a daughter because I thought that would awaken a stronger parental, paternal urge in me. I now realize that was inherited sexism (“Only a girl would need something as silly as ‘love…’”) But the SECOND I met him, I was a blubbering fool (as I established in the introduction, I cry while I work out, so no surprise) and I felt every molecule in my body explode, reform and realign as a capital D Dad, whose sole purpose was to bludgeon this tiny person with love. And now I’m the dad of two boys I’d hoped were girls, but am leagues beyond happy that they are exactly who and what they are. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go kiss them until they yell at me. 

www.robdelaney.com

smith journal 

[marilynkae]

New! And the Kindle copy is $5. LOOK at all that Indigenous beauty, in art, and in author’s names, and what they give us. 

[marilynkae]

Dear White Writers,

Yes We Need Diverse Books. But that doesn’t always mean that we want YOU to write them. No, it means we want you to support them. We want you to read them. We want you to promote them, talk about them, buy them, love them. We want you to recognize that these stories told by authors in their own voices has as much importance as all the white ones that are published year after year. 

I’m going to keep saying this over and over again. Diversity is not a new hot trend for you all to jump on and write about because you think it will help you get published. That’s not what this is about. White writers can write about whatever they want, they have that luxury. Whether or not they do it well is of course subject to debate. White writers don’t have to worry about writing main characters that are white and being told “Oh we have a white story already so we have to pass.” There is no arbitrary quota of stories for you all. We get 1 maybe 2 books allocated to Asian stories - so when it is taken by a white author writing about Asian stories - guess what happens to the Asian writer trying to write their own stories. And while you are guessing, go and read this fabulous post by Claire Light. 

 In this increasingly important post by my favorite author, Jacqueline Woodson, she says, “As publishers (finally!) scurry to be a part of the move to represent the myriad cultures once absent from mainstream literature, it is not without some skepticism that I peruse the masses of books written about people of color by white people. As a black person, it is easy to tell who has and who has not been inside “my house.” Some say there is a move by people of color to keep whites from writing about us, but this isn’t true. This movement isn’t about white people, it’s about people of color. We want the chance to tell our own stories, to tell them honestly and openly. We don’t want publishers to say, “Well, we already published a book about that,” and then find that it was a book that did not speak the truth about us but rather told someone on the outside’s idea of who we are.”

I think every person of color will agree that we can tell who has “Not been inside our house” when they try to write our experiences. As the number of Asian culture, mythology, character, orientalist-themed books by non-Asian writers rises, I am more and more aghast at the lack of support for Asian authors. Just what about Asian culture makes it so appealing for cultural appropriation? Why must it continually be used to exoticize and other our people? Having just seen a review request for a book that looks like an exotic female Asian fetish fantasy wet dream, I’m feeling disturbed and anguished. Seeing starred reviews for a recent YA book with a Chinese character that is praised as feminist because she scars herself to avoid becoming a concubine is troubling because it is given solely through the white lens. A white perspective with no Asian nuances. And why is that the story that must be told? 

Aren’t there enough stories from the white perspective already? Must you tell our stories through your lens too?

So here’s the truth that needs to be repeated again and again. Don’t write a POC’s story unless you need to tell it with such a burning desire that it will eat you alive and so you will come into our houses and walk in our shoes to get it right, and that way it isn’t written ONLY from a white lens. Don’t do it unless you are willing to invest in a whole lot of time and commitment and get into some heavy conversation about what it is like to live our lives, deal with racism and micro-aggressions and fear and hate. Don’t do it because you think it is a hot trend. Don’t do it because you think it will help you get published. Don’t do it because you just love Kpop and Kdramas and oh wouldn’t it be cool to bring it to an American audience? Don’t do it because your mama is 1/32nd Native American and somehow that gives you a pass to write about the culture (it doesn’t). Don’t do it because it is exotic, mystical, spiritual, etc. Don’t do it because “you believe in diversity and want to help the cause.” Don’t do it because you think you are helping us. Because you’re not. The truth is, you’re only doing it for yourself. Because you think it is going to help you get published. 

So do us all a favor. 

Don’t.

[marilynkae]

Via VyrlMedia

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[marilynkae]

“They love our bodies but not us.” This morning in San Francisco, black women blocked an intersection in the Financial District in protest of unarmed black women killed by police. “Black women’s bodies have always been commodified. Today 10 black women reclaim power and victory…… This is a war cry. A declaration. Enough is enough.” - photo and words from The BlackOut Collective

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[marilynkae]

Special delivery from Greenland. I think I’m gonna OD on this Tugtupite now. You feelin me @melhobson ? #peaceout #noDNRonfile

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I'm in fixed loop of explosions.

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Fire ways

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Destination: Pink Cloud City. Oklahoma 5D Sunset. #nofilter #tloveandthankyoumotherearth (at Oklahoma Heaven on Earth)

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This is a house of learned doctors. #stuckinthemiddlewithyou #oneinfiveismine #theladylovessantacruz

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When does @BlackJoeLewis coming back to NDN Territory? #missthosebootyshakinbeats #blackjoelewis

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Manteigais, Portugal. 2013