marswednesday - Tumblr blog

[marswednesday]

terrible years really make you understand the point of a new year. i know nothing much will have changed between dec 31 and jan 1, but we need to be able to partition off everything that’s happened to us, we need a moment to say, ‘that’s done, we’re done with it, it’s over’ and have a little hope that the future will be different. we need to be able to stop and take a breath and sing, in the middle of winter, and prepare ourselves for spring.

[marswednesday]

oh boy

Has it been one of the worst years of my life.

I’ve lost countless things, moments, even people.

I don’t think i have any tears left to cry or meaningful words i could say to truly capture all of the shenanigans and morbid events that have plagued my year 2022.

 And i thought that was my lucky number!

But i did say it was just a year for healing and setting up what you wanted your future to hold. I just didn’t think that i would lose so much money and have so many bills that I’d get sued over them.

Truly the cherry i needed on top of the mountain of dookie ice cream that has been my year. Did i mention it’s November?

I’m so sleep deprived i can’t see shit, i gained 10 pounds, my music career is a question mark, and i, for some god forsaken reason

still hold up hope for this next upcoming year.

Here’s to a not so shit 2023!

love ya shitheads - mom <3

[marswednesday]

Hani|Bani | En tu órbita

[marswednesday]

No tienes la culpa de sentir demasiado o de sentirte como te sientes.

Seguen | Palabras para mí

[marswednesday]

By: blancoymiedo

[marswednesday]

[marswednesday]

[marswednesday]

Race day...

What a day I did have April 4th 2022.

Where do I even start?

I’ve wanted to complete my bucket list for a long time now, and I managed to scratch off the first thing I wrote down.

Me and Mami woke up at 4:08 am. Her alarm didn’t sound (we later found out it was because she had her phone on “do not disturb” but thankfully I had set up mine. It was a little hard sleeping through the night not gonna lie. but I knew I didn’t have to be anxious at something that didn’t need to cause me anxiety.

Oh boy was I wrong…

We started to get ready, and mom made us some toast.

I set up the uber ride request and things started to go a bit wary...

I stepped on glass. Yes, on the day of my big race…

I cried and lashed out and by God I could not get that sumbitch out!

Alas after digging through my own foot for about 20 minutes I got it out! The day wasn’t ruined!

 Oh, so I thought. I checked my phone to find out that thankfully my uber was an hour away, thankfully it did not matter then that I missed some ready time with the glass thing.

Then it hit me, my uber was an hour away. My uber was going to take an hour to get here. My competition was about to START in an hour, and the next city was an hour away…

I’ll admit I did cry. I bawled a lot, actually. I do not act cool under pressure.

What was a $12 ten-minute ride, turned into a $40, 2 hour wait because my uber took a last-minute detour. I wanted to die.

My mom tried asking around for a ride to no avail, everybody was busy, and nobody answered her Facebook post. Okay I bawled A LOT.

I took a risk and cancelled it and booked another ride. $14, ten minutes away, and a very cute guy. I cursed the other uber driver in my head a bit and grabbed my stuff, headed out the door, when the sun wasn’t even up yet, and started praying to every god that I don’t believe in.

The ride was so anxious. I was excited yes, but my stomach kept sinking. Were we going to make it?

The sky and the sunrise looked so beautiful, you never appreciate that until you leave the ghetto that you live in and head into a better city.

“5:56 am”

The roads anywhere near the bridge where the race took place was closed. “you’re going to have to head this other way” said the police officer, cute uber guy complied.

My heart sank every second. I closed my eyes under my glasses, I was so embarrassed. Ashamed.

“you cannot go any further, sorry” “can’t you make an exception, she’s part of the race!”

Please don’t say that, oh god don’t point, they’re all looking at me…

I wanted to disappear.

We told the uber driver it was fine and thanks for everything and that we would try to make it on foot.

We knew we were lying…

 We made it a bit down the road, and I stopped and said we weren’t gonna make it. I was screwed. “6:00.” Said my phone, yeah no.

I did start crying. Bawled, cursed the first uber driver under my breath.

I tried my dang hardest and didn’t make it.

“let’s just try to get there and see what happens”

“Please just let me leave with my dignity”

We did bicker

“You lost out on the money you spent on the ticket for nothing?”

“This is the most embarrassing day of my life.”

Alas, we kept walking forward down the road, there were people there waiting for the runners on a hydration station and I wanted to be out of their sight out of embarrassment.

I think social anxiety and embarrassment kept me moving forward walking down that road…

“let’s just take an uber to Denny’s and have some pancakes, I have a coupon” I’ll admit I was relived I didn’t have to do the race, even though I was equally devastated.

Of course, we couldn’t get an uber driver yet because all the roads were closed off. We had to walk further down the road, to somewhere far from the race, where the roads where open. No choice but to move forward down the road.

We walked a bit, and some other runners passed us. Were they left behind? But this isn’t the race path…

“They seem to be late too, why don’t we try to see if we can make it”

“Please let me leave with my dignity”

Oh god some people setting up chairs to watch the race this is so embarrassing, walk walk walk…

 We eventually come to a crossroads. A literal crossroads.

“This way to the mall of San Juan” one sign said.

A group of older ladies wearing numbers walked past us.

This isn’t the race path… are they late too?

I had a choice to make. Take this path to the mall of San Juan, away from the racecourse, where the roads are probably open...

Or keep walking forward and follow those older ladies into the unknown, which may be where the race is, and maybe, join in the race, maybe blend in so nobody will notice I arrived late?

I let my heart decide, and followed close behind those ladies on the pathway, race number in hand, hiding my anxious face behind a pink mask.

 There it is.

A group of people and a huge sign that says “start”

Is this it? The beginning of the race? Are these other people also joining in late? None the matter, just keep walking forward and pretend you belong.

 Is everyone staring at me? Was the race long started and I stood out like a sore thumb? Joining in and walking across a “start” line late as hell like a freaking weirdo?

Those ladies did it too, or was it something else and I was being a weirdo walking across all these spectators…

“This is the start of the race I have to leave you now”

My heart sank.

“NO, why are you doing this to me? don’t leave me here...”

“I can’t walk with you this is the race now”

I bawled my eyes out.

I had to keep moving forward.

Did I just join the race?

Is this it?

Am I supposed to be here? do I walk forward a bit and try to blend in with the other runners? Why did I wear hot pink pants!

I could just throw myself off this bridge…

This is the race, right? There’s other people.. I wouldn’t be the last one, right?

These people are walking across the bridge where the race is supposed to be, wearing the same shirt as I, and a number, that means they’re in the race right?

Anxiety is one hell of a drug.

 With snot on my face, I walked through that first half of the bridge.

 I don’t know if it was the cold April morning, the soft sea by the side of me, or the beautiful sunrise, that had sprung up gorgeously by the water, but I did calm down and eventually enjoyed myself and sprung into action. I composed myself, took a picture of the sunrise, and walked that 10k race.

  My new sneakers scratched the back of my foot a bit. My sister got them for me for my birthday.

Of course I was gonna wear them. Maybe I put them on wrong?

 You know in between taking pictures and videos for my YouTube, I thought about my future a bit. I mean what else is there left to think about I guess?

I didn’t come to a single conclusion.

Do I join the army? Become a singer? Both?

I know the answer deep down.

Don’t I always make decisions the same way?

 Also, god, I really wanna start college. This was the most id felt alive in years! Getting up and actually doing something!

 It inspired me in various ways.

  As I headed down one quarter of the race, I got handed some Gatorade. Shit tastes good….

I looked at parents with their kids and thought god, when am I getting a family of my own?

Imaginary thoughts of doing this with my own family flooded my head.

 My mom called me mid race. She couldn’t see me lol. I was so close… she did see me eventually…

 I walked across that yellow finish line with pride. I took a video!

Then I got lost briefly…

Till I walked down the path the workers ushered me too and got handed a medal!

 I was so proud. This wasn’t the worst day ever! I was exaggerating! I need to develop a stronger emotional control and discipline along with learning a proper way to manage and problem solve!

 Oh, shit I lost my mom again. Oh, shit I don’t have battery yet (darn photo taking)

Oh look, they’re giving out apples!

 A nice family asked me if I could take their picture for them

“oh hi mom, yes I did cross and headed down the grass path”

Oh shit the phone died

Oh well

Oh nevermind there she is

 We got some peanut butter smoothies the sponsor tent, jiffy, was giving out. They were delicious, would had never thought about trying them. Will make again in the future!

 Took some pictures.

 They had these huge industrial fans all around. Yes, we were all tired and hot thank you for thinking of that!

 We headed down the tunnel.. and there it was.

The entrance to the mall of San Juan. Turns out this was the only actual way to get there.

[marswednesday]

Teodoro Moscoso bridge, San Juan, Puerto Rico 2022

[marswednesday]

Race day 2022. I’m so happy and proud of myself!

[marswednesday]

My New Year’s Resolutions!

1- Finally travel to the places i wanted to travel to. I WILL find my way to New York! 

2-Create more art. make all of the art stuff i wanted to make and just let my creativity flow!

3- Make more food! bake! create all of the foods i always wanted to taste! try all the foods i always wanted to eat!

4- Get my candle business of the ground! I'm gonna work until my business is up and running.

5- Get my music career started. I will become the musician i always wanted to and have the career i always wanted to have!

6- Go out more, enjoy life more! no more wasting away the best years of my life by never wanting to do anything and procrastinating.

7- Do.more.sprts. NO “what if i ruin-” “what if somebody la-” NO WHAT IFS. girls do sports.

8- Learn to drive! get my license.

9- Become financially stable. no more food stamps. enough is enough. such is much in suchville.

10- Learn instruments. put in the work to learn piano, guitar and ukulele like i always wanted to.

11- LEARN. enroll in college. learn more, study more, read more. LEARN.

12- Celebrate life more. enjoy birthdays, make cakes, CELEBRATE. 

13- have a home. no more moving around, worrying about where i will life. i WILL have a house, i will have a home. 

14- NO MORE SELECTIVE MUTISM. i am going to recover from selective mutism. i will win this fight.

15- Create more selective mutism awareness! 

16- Have a successful YouTube career. get a million subscribers!

17- Turn my dreams into reality. 

18- Finally have the style that i want to! i’m gonna start making my own clothes and start dressing how i want to.

19- Have a successful TikTok, get sponsors! make it my creative outlet! go viral!

20- Eat healthier. Take care of my health. Turn my body around and take care of it, be fit. I only get one body.

21- Have a nice Christmas for once. like just like it used to be. finally be able to afford a tree, celebrate, decorate, make cookies, have a feliz navidad!

22- Heal.

[marswednesday]

My new year’s resolutions vision board!

this is your sign to make when if you have time

to this new, healing and working year!

[marswednesday]

Projections.

What do I want my 2022 to look like? I truly don’t know.

I can’t see into the future, nobody can. I try not to worry too much about what could possibly be and what I am doing to get myself there.

For the first time in my life I don’t know. For the first time in my life I don’t have any plans, an outlook. 

My imagination usually runs wild, but is always been set on one thing. 

This time though, I don’t have a thing. I don’t know what will happen, what lies on the rode ahead. The future is bleak and exhilarating all the same.

I am for once stumped.

And I do wonder how I will look back at myself at this same point in time next year. 

I hope that I will be able to say  “She could had never guessed what was about to come her way!”

I just hope that with whatever certainty I can say it, I also have the courage to look back and think, at least I'm not right where I used to be.

Farewell my friend, for we will meet once again.

23/11/2021

[marswednesday]

I did it!

i finally launched my youtube channel yesterday and it was really scary!

i had a panic attack and was so anxious but im glad i pulled through! i posted 3 videos all at once and now am tired and will take a break cause all the editing probably gave me carpen tunel smh

i already have 59 subs and i am so happy. little ol me!

i am so exited for future things to come!!!!!!!

[marswednesday]

morning

it’s 6:53 am right now.

Been waking up early lately, i guess its good that i am making myself used to waking up early to be productive. Got a lot of hard work ahead of me.

Things have been going okay tho, i’m semi popular on tiktok, so that has been going smoothly. That semi popularity has already gotten people interested in my Youtube channel! so i’m almost ready to post and get that train out of the station!

Actually i’m supposed to film today, and when that is done all there left to do will be just to edit all the videos and post so im really exited!

also got my ukelele last week!

Everything is coming together smoothy and ima be posting my first video real soon!!!...

[marswednesday]

[marswednesday]

It’s been a crazy few months...

I’ve been busy moving out of my old apartment and things got very hectic for a while...

we’re already finally moved and i just need to finish setting up. once i get everything in my room in order and i can set up my work space, i can finally post my first youtube video!

i also have a bunch of tiktoks planned, i got 20k followers! that’s insane!

little ol me gaining popularity on the interwebs...

i’m so exited for all new things to come...