maryamf1d

[maryamf1d]

After we lost liam.

You wanna know what happened after we lost liam? I cannot listen to one direction anymore. It pierces my heart. I tried i tried I'm so sorry that my mind refuses that Liam's not anymore with us. And when i tried playing the songs, i could only think of losing him. And that was messed up.

The only band that i ever loved with my entire body, my soul, my mind and where my soul meets my body: my heart. My entire personality is based on one direction. I knew I'll never leave one direction everrr. But look at me. Look at my hollow eyes. No, i will never leave. I can never leave one direction. I can never leave Liam and Louis and Harry and Niall and Zayn. But, I can't hear them anymore. Even though i try to. Their voices seem far, too far away too distant, too different as if this entire time the pain was encoded in them but honey buns, we all thought it was the way they sounded. I will never leave. Liam lives in my heart still.

[maryamf1d]

Kindness

I just think one thing, we all have said so many things on our mind on the internet after liam... Passed away (feels unreal writing that sentence) saying things good. Remembering him. Saying that we miss him and he was the greatest thing we've lost. Telling him all the things we should've shared while he was alive. I wonder why we don't say things in our hearts when we feel them so intensely. I know all those who grieve about him feel these feelings their entire life after knowing him. But never said. Never made it obvious. When he needed them the most. When he needed the love the most. The hate outgrew it. Hate comments were too much. Why didn't people defend him. Because they never knew ho much it could affect one person. I'm this one person who never shared how much liam meant to me. So yes, I should've done that. Which is why i want now everyone to see the reality that we could lose anyone any day we don't know. Please be kind towards people who are still with you. Who need to hear these words of kindness. Please people tell everyone how much they mean to you before it's too late. Oh goodness this so important. I feel awful that now that liam may not be able to hear us. But that doesn't mean that Louis can't hear how much he means to us. And Niall can't hear how much he means to us. And Harry can't hear us or zayn can't hear us. They can hear us so must we let them know how much they mean to us before it's too late. We have to face the reality, we all have to go someday, might as well leave some kindness behind.

[maryamf1d]

Bullying

Liam has faced hatred over these past few months for people were convinced that he hated zayn and harry. But how could you hate liam? When he literally helped everyone in the band. Trying to pick up pieces made everyone smile. After the band split apart, he was the one who was left behind. Like you should see that people were there supporting zayn for his new single (never neglecting the fact that people somehow started to hate him as well for leaving why do they do that!) but then many many people supported zayn. Then there was harry, there's a biiiig community of us that doesn't listen to liam, louis, niall or zayn, but harry. So basically Harry's got the biggest support (which obviousleh he deserves and so all of them deserve too). Niall, they all were very excited for niall to release his singles and album. They supported him in a way where it was seen. For louis and liam, the ones who were the best songwriters of the band, had been left behind. I see no support behind liam. I saw no support behind louis until, FITF tour and album. That made me soooo happy I can't define it in words. Now liam had been releasing singles but no one quite noticed because nothing was a banger still saying that it's the lack of support. Not a lot of people like liam now. All the things he had said he's apologized for them. YOU GUYS NO ARROGANT ASS APOLOGIZES FOR ANNNYTHING!!!! Where are you living. Even when they receive hate ok? Even when they receive hate!!! Now honey lemme clear this out I've seen many people on the internet saying bad things about him and saying but they're heartbroken because he wasn't the liam we knew and we lost our childhood. Bro, i definitely am sorry that you lost that and you're allowed to show grief and definitely are allowed to mourn and give condolences. But you are not allowed to talk about things, bad things that he did in the past. Like bb honey, are you guys literally ignoring the fact that this man has been very much upset. And DEPRESSED? Why do you not see that. Makes me furious makes me furious! Because i know what the hell is going through someone's mind when their mental health is slightly compromised. Depression is a thing you can't control. You have no control over how you manage the situation "the liam we used to love is not the liam he became" this statement, this thing defines that there was something that had been going on in his life. Always wonder WHY (helps a lot). I've been studying psychology as a subject and dear friend, i can understand many behaviors that such patient manifest. Now i want you tell me, if someone was a sunshine like liam and becomes someone that you guys paint bad, isn't it obvious he was depressed. Like honestly in this world everyone deserves kind words okay? And people haven't been showing kindness to liam. Everyone literally everyone has said things that they didn't mean to. You don't define a man from his mistakes. And he admitted things that he said were not quite nice so please no asshole has admitted doing wrong. He is the best person. He could've been better. Think of yourself in situations that you were misunderstood. Think of it in a different way please. Please don't hate on him. Because whoever he's left behind are still alive and feeling the pain that you people give through words. You're bullying me, you're bullying his family, you're bullying his friends and bullying his fans. It's not an inner child that mourns to his death, it's everything in us directioners that's mourning. I feel everything you say about him. We all feel everything you say about him. Please stop torturing us and his friends and family. We did nothing wrong to you guys. HE DID NOTHING WRONG TO YOU GUYS.

[maryamf1d]

October

The month, the season that i thought was my favorite for the nostalgic memory trip that I'd go through and smile, now has left a scar on my heart for the pain that i feel. The pain of losing such influential people from my life. When i lost my father i was devastated, shattered and heartbroken. Nothing compares to that pain for he was my best friend for life. And that moment i thought to myself "you know what honey girl, you'll be fine and you're gonna see your father's smile, because Liam's here!" I used to see my father's smile in liam. They both looked so similar so much that sometimes i used to pretend he was my brother. That sunshine that poured out of their eyes when the cheeks would lift up and lips spread wide all ear to ear, the sound of the giggle oh it was the prettiest smiles i had seen. And then from 4th of October (the day my father passed away) to 16th when we all lost a piece of us i was there too. And, October became something so painful i almost want to fast forward this month every year.

[maryamf1d]

Directioner unity

Not being on tumblr felt like I've been away from all of the fun that the directioners would be having. Now the worst part about this comeback is that one of the prettiest souls, softest hearts among us has left us touching stars deep down in dark. We're hopeless and hurt. So many of us might've thought about how we could've changed it how we could've prevented it how we could've saved him. But...we couldn't we failed. He was alone thinking that everyone was hating on him no liam no one hated you bb boi. I've wrote many poems for Liam even before i had the news crawling in my brain. I've written many many poems for one direction too which at this point would get really sad if i shared.

Now, here we are, I'm awfully sorry for everyone who holds the ache of him not being here with us anymore in their heart. First of all his parents and his sisters. You can't even imagine the pain they've been going through they've seen him grow up. And then the boys louis, harry, niall, and zayn. For they had spent their slipping teenage years with liam all the memories might make them cry it's not easy. then of course the fans. All of them who had encounter with him and mourn on the fact that he'll never be able to do that again. And then those who never got the chance to meet them grieving about how they'll never be able to tell him how much he means to them. And then his girlfriend. I don't know why people act like she hasn't lost a gem of a boyfriend. Because she has lost something greater from her life. You guys what I'm tryna say is that what if you were in her place? You know what would happen to you so be nice.

For me of course I'm a fan I'm a directioner, and i obviously feel what all of you feel. I'm heartbroken and this excruciating pain won't let me sleep at night (and I'm sure all of you feel the same). It's worse knowing that i just lost my father a few days before Liam's...death (feels so surreal to write this sentence) and when i heard about this...well, i couldn't keep myself together and like all of you I'm still in state of shock.

And now all i ever wanna do is protect the others. Because we canNOT afford to lose any of our boys ok? So we'll let them know how much we support them along with liam. For which if you guys show directioner unity, repost this and share your poetry, mention me and I'll repost your poetry, and get this as far as possible, we wanna reach them, show them how we're standing by them.

Love,

Directioner maryam f.