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Los Angeles 1984 - Sam the Eagle Confuses Everyone

Let me introduce you to Sam the Eagle.  

No, not that Sam the Eagle, the Olympic Mascot Sam the Eagle.  Listen, I get it Olympic Committee, the Bald Eagle is the Symbol of America, and Sam is short for Uncle Sam...and the name makes a lot of sense.  But you damn well knew that Sam the Eagle was already a thing.  Sure he is a C list muppet, but that does not forgive you for making this review as difficult as possible to research.  

Sam is the best damn mascot to date.  He was designed at Disney, looks a bit like Scrooge Mc’Duck, and is so American that I’m prompted to go outside and get into a fistfight with a school child while singing “Proud to be an American”.   ...I would lose that fight.

Here we have Sam in his full mascot glory.  Look at how well designed he is! From the top of his top hat to the bottom of his steel toes, we have the first mascot design that works on all levels and in all forms.  He reminds me of Apollo Creed’s entrance in Rocky IV. 

Like Apollo Creed, Sam the Eagle was also killed in the ring by Ivan Drago.

Poor Sam.  Your friends will avenge you and end the cold war all at the same time. These videos are surprisingly appropriate considering the Soviet boycott of the 1984 Olympics.   Fun Fact: During the Olympics McDonalds ran a promotion where customers found tickets on their food containers that gave them free food if the USA won a Gold Medal in the contest listed on their ticket.  This was all planned way in advance of the Olympics, so when Russia boycotted, McDonalds was out millions of dollars, and there were food shortages at their restaurants throughout the promotion.  

Sam, you are even great in plush form.  Honestly, if I really had anything bad to say about you, it is that you are almost too good and too well designed.  Leave some room for the rest of us cutie.  

Literally cannot get more American.  

To you Sam I award the Platinum Medal.  You are too good for Gold.  Just like the Eagles in Lord of the Rings, you have saved me from Mascot Mount Doom. I leave you this time with the opening to the Eagle Sam Anime...because for some reason Japan got a Sam the Eagle cartoon and we did not.  

P.S. I thought about adding a smattering of the music from these Olympics, but I might go off topic and cover all that in a separate post.  

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Sarajevo 1984 - Vucko the Penis Wolf

Hey there Vucko, what’s that on your face? “Oh nothing, just my cock and ball nose/mouth/head”

Welcome back to Mascot Reviews, as we continue to make our way through the Olympic Mascots.  This time was stop off in Sarajevo where our Penis Wolf, Vucko has come to greet us.   As with many Olympic mascots we see that Vucko is a sporting Mascot.  Leave some for the rest of us!

I’m sorry Vucko, I didn’t mean to yell at you.   Here we have the full Mascot version sitting in the long abandoned ruins of the Sarajevo Olympic Park.

When I started doing these reviews, it was purely for the comedic value of so many questionable designs...and because I really wanted to burn Izzy to the ground (your time is coming soon!).  But when I moved from commenting purely on the design elements to doing actual research, it was hard to ignore the tragedies and world changing events connected to so many Olympic Games. 

Only 8 years after the games, the city would undergo a 3 year siege, the details of which are well beyond the scope of anything I am qualified to get into here.  During the war, many of the edifices built for the Olympics were destroyed, leaving us with many haunting images of what once was. If you are fan of history like I am, I encourage you to look up more information about this historic city.

As for Vucko...I don’t hate him.  Yes, it is hard to ignore its fallic nature.  But he’s colorful, fun, wild and recognizably a wolf.   Also...the curse continues since Vucko means Wolf...which means he is a Wolf named Wolf.  At least America will save us come the 1984 Summer Olympics! 

Stuffed Vucko, you will do.  Though it appears as though your creator didn’t quite know how to handle your girth.  Neither can I.

Fun Fact?: To make sure they got the most out of a wolf mascot, Yugoslavia released a pack of starving wolves into every event.  Wolves took home 45% of the medals that year...as grizzly trophies.  Curling was never the same after those Olympics.

To you Vucko I award the Olympic @#$% Ring, symbol of your strident masculinity and frightful urges.   I leave you this time with a strange blurry video filled with strange 80′s synth sounds.  

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Moscow 1980 - My Name is Mikhail Potapych Toptygin, but You may Call me Misha

At long last we have a Mascot that isn’t named after the thing that it is*. This is just a bear, named Misha wearing a belt.  And really that is all there is to say about Misha.  He’s not awful, he’s not great...he’s fine.  That’s okay, really.  There are dark clouds ahead, and Misha being a decent and perfectly acceptable Mascot is an achievement.  Thank you Misha for not sucking.

Sadly Misha will not be our last Bear Mascot.  We have the pit of absolute despair from our neighbors to the north coming in ‘88.  Here we have him in stuffed animal form...which makes perfect damn sense.  I’m not even being sarcastic.  Decent stuffed animal.  Looks like it was put together by someone who didn’t hate life or children too much.  It’s got an exciting accessory!  Fingers are a bit weird tho. 

Misch was created by a popular children’s book artist.  And yeah, that seems about right.  AAAAAAANNNNDDDDDD...I really have nothing else to say about this bear.  So let’s get into some weird stuff and interesting facts.

[One of these things is not like the others}

Following the Russian invasion of Afghanistan, the 1980 Olympics were boycotted by the USA along with 64 other countries.  This meant that we never really got to see the Summer Olympics of 1980 over here in the States.  The US did however put together a “protest Olympics” in Philadelphia called The Liberty Bell Classic. I’d talk more about the Liberty Bell Classic but they didn’t bother to have a mascot, so @#$% them.

So let’s get into the really weird stuff.  This is a video of the closing ceremonies...where they let Misha fly into the air and die.  Don’t believe me...here are the translated lyrics for you non-Russian speakers out there.

“Goodbye, Moscow! It's growing quieter on the bleachers. The fleeting time of miracles is melting away. Goodbye, our sweet Misha, Return to your fairy forest. Let's wish each other success, And goodness, and never-ending love... Olympic resonant echo Remains in verses and in hearts. Goodbye, Moscow, goodbye! Farewell to Olympic fairy tale! Wish fulfillment of dreams And new meetings to friends... The friends are parting, But the heart's tenderness remains. We'll cherish this song, Goodbye, till we meet again.” I’m pretty sure they just told Misha it was a figment of their imaginations and the time of dreaming is at an end...and so are you dear Misha.

Thankfully, Misha did survive and visited Rio a few years back.  Hold on a sec, let me look up the natural lifespan of bears... I was expecting this to be terribly tragic, but apparently Russian Brown Bears can live to be 35 years old, so if Misha was a newborn cub during the 1980 Olympics it is possible he’d still be alive today.  If he was a Grizzly he’d have been dead 15 years ago.  I now know about the lifespans of various bears!

Looking good for your age Misha.

A preview of things to come...Misha wasn’t alone during his visit to Rio in 2014...he brought friends.   To you Misha I award you the Million Dollar Belt Medal, which you earned after a mauling attack on the Million Dollar Man.  May your career in the WWF not end in tragedy. I leave you with this...my gift to you and future generations.

*Apparently I was wrong...Misha means “little bear”. he curse of the mascots continues.

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Lake Placid 1980 Winter Olympics - Roni Scoffs at your 3 Dimensions!

Now, here is what I’m talking about!  Clearly...because I’m talking about Mascots.  After 12 years we have finally landing on a legitimately well designed Mascot.  Clean design.  No question that this is a raccoon.  Good use of asymmetry with the green and blue to really make the logo pop.  Eyes that consume pieces of your soul the longer you stare into them. All around good stuff Roni Racoon, well done.  You get a gold medal and we’re done with this review.   What’s that...there are more pictures?!

Roni...put that gun down...please don’t shoot my dreams (after cross country skiing).  Roni, what are you wearing?  

I get what’s going on here, and I understand what they are trying to do.  This is not the last time we’ll see a sporting mascot take on various Olympic competitions.  But it appears as though Roni has lost all concept of the third dimension.  As though, no matter how he might turn, he is always facing you...always threatening to take away your third dimension.   I NEED MY THIRD DIMENSION RONI...I NEED IT!!!

Here is the Mascot costume hung up in a museum...I’d fault them for making no effort to mount this thing and make it look a bit more lively...but having seen pictures of this thing on someone, it fares no better.  

Fun Fact: Roni is Iroquoian for Racoon.  So yes, once again, it’s a Racoon, named Racoon. Less Fun Fact: Lake Placid had a living Racoon Mascot named Rocky.  It died the year before the Olympics.  Poor trash panda.  Questionable Fact: The Dream Team traveled back in time from 1992 to stop the Russians from winning the Olympic Medal in Ice Hockey.  This was referred to as the “Miracle On Ice”...due to the time travel involved.  Also because Micheal Jordan scored 44 baskets.  A move which caused at least 3 referees to throw up their hands in frustration exclaiming “That’s not even how you play this game...why are we allowing this...what have you done with my family?”

Oh stuffed Roni...how you hate the third dimension and all it stands for.  Were you made using a pattern found on the back of the package of stuffing?  Also...front butt. Of all the Mascots that I’ve reviewed so far, Roni is the least offensive to me.  The logo design is great.  Everything else is very trash panda.   To you Roni I award you the Silver Medal in the Biathlon.  Please don’t shoot me Roni. Let me play you out to the 1980 Olympic Theme “Give It All You Got”, from flugelhorn grand master Chuck Mangione...as song that will remind you what is was like to be in a mall in the 80′s.

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Amik - The Black Metal Olympic Mascot

Let’s have a conversation about this thing.  This is Amik.  It is a beaver.  Or at least I am supposed to believe that this is a beaver.  It is mostly a series of black blobs with a sash, and a vaguely stunned blow job expression.  Just as with our snowman friend from last time...Amik is Anishinaabe for beaver.  So, it is a beaver...named beaver.  This was our Mascot for the 1976 Summer Olympics in Montreal.  

This is a stuffed Amik...you know...for people who want a fuzzy death metal olympic poo hanging about.  Did you know that it took the combined creative talents of 4 people to come up with this design?  I could understand if this was the mind of a single person...but when there are 4, you expect a bit more oversight.  Like...everyone at some point during the process had to agree that this was the right place to stop.  

Here’s an even bigger Amik...because...sure...that seems reasonable.  Though, I want to take a brief break from this important Olympic Mascot review to comment on the choice outfits these Canadians are wearing.  I don’t look great in red, but if I did I would love to part of the Amik Patrol.  What sort of powers do those hats grant you?

Now it has come to this.  Ridable Amik Floats.  This thing looks like a melted goth peep. And for reasons lost in the sands of time we also have an even larger white Amik.  I was going to make some clever carefully worded joke about race after seeing this picture...then after doing a bit more research I learned that most of Africa boycotted the Olympics that year after the Olympic Committee refused to ban athletes that toured in South Africa during Apartheid [For a bit more context: South Africa was banned from the Olympics due to certain policies in place during Apartheid.  Pretty much every other international sporting committee also chose to ban South Africa.  What’s more, due to this ban, it was generally considered bad form for athletes to compete in South Africa. The New Zealand Rugby team chose to ignore this and got blacklisted by every international athletic organization that wasn’t the Olympics.]  So...no...I am not going there and I’ll let the picture speak for itself.

I really wish that I could say that this was one of the worst Olympic Mascot designs...but gods help me...I know the future.   I award Amik the Wood Medal, so that someday it can grow up to be a real beaver...and not several lumps.