masseffectresearcher

[masseffectresearcher]

Getting Used to Your Turian S/O: A Handy Guide

So… you met this charming turian at the club and a steamy romp later you have to admit to yourself you’re quite infatuated with them and want to take it further. However, your xenostudies classes never went this deeply into the matter apart from ‘don’t eat their food and mind other fluids’, and you’re at loss whether this is a good idea….

Fret not, this handy little guide will touch upon a few important points that are often conveniently glossed-over. First of all- make sure you’re ready for the commitment. They’re not human, they got a whole different way of handling everyday life and interpersonal relationships. Communication is key and goes beyond simple discussions about ‘chafing’ and ‘choosing a mixed-menu restaurant’.

Sleeping:

Some turians are nestlers and will burrow. Keep lots of cushions and blankets ready for them, or they’ll end up stealing yours, some also take forever to find a comfortable sleeping position, especially in a bed built for non-turians! It might be easiest to wait with going to sleep until they‘re dozing comfortably

Power Naps are taken crouched down with their heads tucked as far into their cowls as possible, forehead resting on the knees. Do not attempt this as a human, it’s uncomfortable

Since turians have a higher body temperature than humans and can heat up quite a bit while sleeping, it is recommended to sleep naked as to counteract excessive sweating during the night

Turians sleep in shorter bursts, so expect to wake up at 2.30am because your S/O gets up for a morning snack. …and then again at 5am

which leads us to…

Eating:

Turians have a crop and gizzard, so they will regurgitate pellets of undigested materials from time to time. Turian restaurants (and some high-end mixed-cuisine ones) have discreet compartments under the table with small bowls to spit the pellets into. Don’t be alarmed if your S/O coughs up a furball or something similar before your romantic dinner, it’s a sign of good health!

It’s possible to buy fancy gizzard stones at specialized shops so if you’re unsure on what to get them as a little present, maybe look into that?

Turians are not the most ‘elegant’ eaters. Most food is not chewed and is eaten by hand. Same goes for drinking, if you can’t handle a grown-ass turian lapping from a bowl trying to look seductive, you may have to reconsider.

Will eat small portions but more often (many turians are ‘snackers’)

Maybe do not date a turian if you’re vegan, unless you’re extremely tolerant of their predominantly meat-based cuisine. Attempts to feed turians a completely plant-based fare leads to malnourishment and is not advised!

In this vein. Carnivore farts. Don’t happen often, but if they happen, they’re BAD!

Courting and romantic behaviour:

Get ready for hour-long preening sessions. Stroking, nibbling, licking, gentle nips and bites, talons dragged over skin and through hair, you get the drill. This is considered important bonding behaviour (same as morning and evening brushing and oiling), and turians take preening very seriously. Please don’t be rude and interrupt the action after 20 minutes because you’re ‘busy’

One reason for this is that turians love to scent-mark their S/O. All that rubbing and headbumping is to get their pheromones on you, and the prolonged preening makes sure the scent stays!

Some are really into the texture of hair and find it irresistible. You might wake up at 4am because the back of your head is being licked vigorously. HELLO Alien Morning Meat Breath™!

For a small percentage, regurgitating food as a token of love and affection is a genetic compulsion, for others again, it’s a sexual kink. Communication is key here. If your S/O can’t contain it, they might start retching while you’re in the middle of a heated making-out session. Be prepared, pass them a hanky or bowl, praise them, and remember they can’t help it

Most turians love decorating ‘love nests’ for their S/Os, often in colours they associate with that person. Don’t be alarmed to come home and suddenly the whole apartment is decorated in shiny mint green or orange or similar gaudy colours (there will be lots of trinkets too). Your S/O is showing you their undying love and most likely broke the bank while at it, so show some gratitude even if you hate orange!

[masseffectresearcher]

Shepard + having fun in club

[masseffectresearcher]

Oh! I actually have some cannon evidence for this one!

So, there is an ad on the Citadel in Mass Effect 2 that states a C-Sec auction will happen on such and such day "Galactic Standard Time". I don't remember the day or time specified because (if I'm correct on this) the date seemed like gibberish. It was not the standard month(day)/day(month) /hour/minute format we are used to hearing but something completely different that seemed to be in base 100. I assume that this "Galactic Standard" is based on the Citadel's own completely manufactured timescale.

As for space travel, pfft, well you think your jetlag is bad now? Try arriving three WEEKS before you left!! That could happen if you made a long and fast enough jump, and were looking at a clock on your departure planet for both measurements. On the plus side, near constant space travelers like Shepard would actually be a good bit younger than their planetary counterparts because they are, literally, skipping time with every relay jump. Only small bits at a time, but it adds up. This is why I assume there's a need for so many navigators on the Normandy. There are a LOT of highly complex numbers to crunch to be sure Shepard can even GET to an SOS signal before it becomes a ancient relic.

The best way to get an idea about how time changes on other planets, look no further than Palaven. According to the codex, Palaven is like a super-Earth. It's quite a bit bigger, but it also rotates slower and has a larger orbit around its star. That's why (I believe) military training starts at 15 years old instead of our 18. It's quite possible that if a turian baby on Palavan and a human baby on Earth were born at the exact same moment, the turian baby would turn 15 on the human's 18th birthday. A Palaven year is literally LONGER than an Earth year.

In human colonies, I imagine that they keep with Earth time, but not the one that we know. Instead of sticking with a modified Roman calendar, humanity would have been forced to make a rounded unit "adaptable" calendar with even months. This way, a colony can use Earth-style clocks to measure days, but their respective "sun up/sun down" have little to do with that. Just like the constant night in the Arctic Circle during the winter. Sure, the sun hasn't risen yet but *ding dong* time to go to work anyway! It's possible that clocks would be modified to have an even amount of hours too. Perhaps "a second" would be changed to a slightly longer/shorter amount of time to allow for less/more minutes in an hour or more/less hours in a day. This would help the colonies stay in sync with Earth because they could calculate for their own planet's rotation. Like, "okay, we have to add a Xth month to our year to make it work. But now we know that after every X years we have to skip a year to stay lined up with Earth."

Those are just a few of my theories. On mobile or I would post video of that Citadel ad but until then, know this:

You're absolutely right. Time would be total Fluster Cluck™ and we pitiful humans would probably have to ask the asari for lots and lots of help.

...except you know we'd still cock it up and cause massive, groan-worthy problems for everyone else and be on the receiving end of countless alien eyerolls.

how does time even work in mass effect? is there some galactic standard unit of time? but that doesn’t even really work because it would still have to depend on what planet and system you’re in, right? and like even if you’re comparing ages within species, a human colonist in another system might still conform to earth concepts of years/age because that’s been the norm of humanity but how the hell do they keep track of that on their home planets? also like all this FTL space travel - doesn’t that shit mess with time perceptions and stuff too?

someone smart please give me some answers

[masseffectresearcher]

Yeah... These things scared the crap out of me. Especially in the multi-player omg....

Even my boyfriend screamed like a little girl.

I think my favourite thing about Kaidan is his banshee warning:

“BANSHEE!  AAGHGH AHHHH!”

I feel you, Kaidan

I feel you

[masseffectresearcher]

Shepard x Wrex x Garrus is my BrOT3

[masseffectresearcher]

I love bromace Shakarian so, so much.

Dudes being bros and bros and dudes and such. you know what I mean. 

[masseffectresearcher]

Love it!

We have a Krogan.

[masseffectresearcher]

One turian kind of woman

[masseffectresearcher]

These are the things worth researching.

[masseffectresearcher]

Can't get enough. Seriously.

talyzorah asked: mass effect + favorite romantic relationship

→ Shepard x Garrus

[masseffectresearcher]

HA! Am I the only one who actually liked the Hammerhead?

“You take us to the nicest places,” Garrus says as a wave of lava crashes against a rock and bursts into sparks and droplets of molten ore that fall far too close to her feet for his liking.

He can practically hear Shepard rolling her eyes. Whether it’s at him, or the clear brilliant wisdom of Cerberus at putting a research station inside an active volcano, he isn’t sure. Knowing her, it’s probably both.

Shepard stretches her arms up over her head, leans this way and then that, and sighs. “Anyone else want to see what’s in the big box?” She turns away from the molten river and walks toward the hulking, corroded storage crate behind them. The control panel hack takes her no time at all, and the crate’s damaged enough that the whole thing crumbles apart under the vibration of the opening door.

Garrus closes his eyes and takes a breath. If there were a camera nearby, he’d stare right into it. Of course it’s a vehicle. Of course it’s a vehicle and of course Shepard hasn’t driven one of these before and of course it’s inside a volcano.

Of course it is.

The search for the entrance panel takes longer than it probably should with the three of them all looking - though he isn’t spending all of his time looking at the vehicle, he’s spending most of his search time keeping an eye on the lava. Garrus snaps a picture when Shepard isn’t looking, of her leaning on the Hammerhead while another lava wave crests in the background.

Wish you were here! he captions it, and sends it off to Liara.

Zaeed finally finds the control panel - for some reason underneath the main body - and pops the door. “Shall we?”

There’s no ladder or step, and Zaeed gives Shepard a boost in before climbing up after her.

Garrus adores Shepard, he really does. She’s smart, sexy, kind, great fun in bed, and can nail a headshot two clicks away in a blizzard. Since joining up with her, he’s only had a handful of days he’s regretted leaving C-Sec.

Today, needing to get in a vehicle that doesn’t even seem to have a scope for its cannon, while she drives around the heart of an active volcano looking for random lost packets of Cerberus data - today, he definitely regrets leaving C-Sec.

(Tonight he won’t, when she’s bare underneath him and he ghosts his talons over just the right spot on her upper thigh. But right now he does.)

Shepard sticks her upper body out and tilts her head at him. “You coming?”

Garrus nods and climbs into the car. A cool, dry blast of air immediately hits him, and his armor’s temperature gauge drops to the orange end of red. As Shepard lifts off and the Hammerhead wobbles as she figures out the controls, his omnitool beeps. He looks down at the message.

Have fun! Liara’s sent back.

Garrus sighs and settles into the seat. At least it’s not snow.

[masseffectresearcher]

Hello Satan. Keeping busy I see?

imagine if the citadel DLC was just a dream shepard had while they were lying in the rubble after the destroy ending

[masseffectresearcher]

This is better content than we deserve

deadpoolandspider-man

Hi there, Garrus! I animated a clip in SFM of you that I wanted to share with you in case you wanted to share with others too.

The original comic is by @swimmingtrunks  The voice acting is by @lightgetsout 

Hope you enjoy ^^

Heh OH I could talk about that for days. MMmm Damn.

[masseffectresearcher]

[masseffectresearcher]

I've always thought that "fetish" was an odd choice of words for Garrus. That implies that there is something dirty/deviant/wrong about it (as opposed to a "kink" which is just something you're into).

It makes me wonder if he's trying to warn Shepard about something, or convince himself that he's not sick in the head for wanting this.

Imagine, for a hypothetical second, that (centuries from now) dogs evolved to be as intelligent as humans. They spoke, invented tools, had their own system of government, rode public transport, etc. Dogs now do everything we do, except they are still, physically, dogs as we know them today.

Now, imagine that your best friend (who is a dog) walks up one day and asks to "blow off steam" with you. What do you say?

Is it wrong? Is it weird? Humans (including yourself) still very much remember what dogs used to be, and how they were domesticated animals. Though well loved and empathized with, dogs were still just simple beasts. Creatures that rolled in excrement, drank from puddles, and ate garbage.

The Human-Canine Conflict wasn't very long ago. The generation that preceded you (both you and your dog friend) fought in that bloody war. You know far too much and have heard way too many stories about what humans did to dogs, and visa versa....

Hell, your people used to EAT each other!

But now, your canine friend is smiling, happy, wagging their tail, and nervously asking you for a relationship of some kind.

Your gut says yes because, I mean, this is your very best friend! You would take a bullet for them in a heartbeat! You two are a team like none other! This friendship is genuine, honest, and has overcome impossible odds. You two have transcended past the natural divide between your species, and you both love it. Before this moment, neither one of you saw the other as anything other than a person, a dear friend, and a true ally.

Except, right now, in your mind's eye, the person before you is suddenly a Irish Setter...

A pretty Irish Setter, to be sure. Top in their field, intelligent, funny, kind, speaks eloquently (with help of a translator), and loyal to a fault....but, like, totally a dog right now.

They're a dog. And you're insane.

Humans DON'T have sex with canines, much less fall in love with them! Sure, there have been a few cases...ish. (Centuries ago you're people even purposely - gulp - <em>bred</em> dogs for the sex trade.) But those relationships have ALWAYS been shunned! True, it's not factually illegal, but it's quite "illegal" in a social sense.

Recent years have lessened the tension between your races, but it's far from gone. God, isn't this part of why Canines fought for independence in the first place?! To get away from humans who still tried to treat them as lesser beings? Or worse, pets?!

Oh shit. Will people start thinking this friend is your pet?!

The thought alone makes you want to vomit. No, you can't do that to them. There is no way you would subject this person to that kind of humiliation. Who cares about your reputation, it's already tarnished beyond repair, but they have a chance to be truly great! You can't do this to them. You can't!

But... you want this.

At the very same moment you became aware that your four-legged friend is an Irish Setter, you also realized that you love them so much it hurts. Fate is a cruel irony and God is doubled over laughing at you right now. It's so loud, you swear you can hear it.

Part of you wants to flip the Big Guy off, but you don't. Mostly because you're friend has no idea what you're thinking right now (hopefully) and will probably get very confused if you randomly give the ceiling a one-finger salute.

Is this even possible? Biologically, could either of you even enjoy it? Will you hurt them?

Suddenly, you don't even know how your friend's legs are supposed to bend. And what's with that exposed tendon on their back feet? Part of you has always wanted to pick it like a guitar string because it's just so... weird. Of course you never have, but you can't help the curiosity.

It's only been a blink since your friend's question hit your ears.

As the initial waves of shock, fear, nausea, and confusion fade, you are forced to realize that this canine has just proven they possess a level of bravery you could never possibly match. They just asked, out loud, a question that you had been too afraid to <em>think</em>... even in the privacy of your dreams

Because this person is perfect.

How did it take you so long to notice?!

Unfortunately, they look as nervous as you feel. Also, you've been rambling for WAY too long. More than once, something stupid has slipped from your tongue and your friend's happy wagging has lowered to a slow dangle. Also, their ears are starting to droop.

It hurts to look at. You're ruining it. You're wasting the most terrifying/greatest opportunity of your life that you didn't even know you wanted until just now. Those eyes are so big and sweet...

This canine is gorgeous.

Why do you think that?

Why are you just thinking it NOW of all times?!

Your mouth closes and a breath collects your persona back to the version of yourself this person believes you are; the better self you want to become... because of them.

Then, you reply.

"I won't pretend like I have a fetish for dogs, but this isn't about that. This is about us. If we can find a way to make it work then... Yeah. Definitely."

That feathery, red tail starts to wag again, and with a clip of manicured claws, your furry friend leaves you to your thoughts.

Deep down, you still feel like a deviant. Some dark part of your soul hopes that word of this never gets out...but... do you really think that?

You don't know anymore.

Soon after, you pour a stiff drink, tripple encrypt your browser, and steady your fingers long enough to type something that you never, ever, upon pain of death, thought you would willingly search for.

You told your friend it was "research". In practice, it's forced conditioning... but that's a secret you vow to take to your grave.

Because be they turian, human, canine, or any other species of intelligent life: this person deserves better. Possibly, someone better than you but, damn it, you're going to try.

he may not have a fetish for humans, but he definitely has a fetish for shep ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  

[masseffectresearcher]

Shepard to Cerberus:

"Wait, you brought ME back?? No! Go back and get Nihlus! He's, like, ten times more qualified for this!"

Turians (Redux) | Nihlus Kryik

[masseffectresearcher]

There are two kinds of people:

Alien Fighters & Alien Lovers

listen…….