masteoftheshelves

[masteoftheshelves]

Draco Malfoy x FemReader.

A/N: Draco and Y/N are no longer together but can they still save each other?

Warnings: Angst, little bit of fluff right there at the end. Happy ending.

Anyway I hope you enjoy!

There was nothing you could have done to stop Draco from throwing you in the garbage like three day old sushi. Not when you couldn’t comprehend what was happening. Not when he immediately moved on with Astoria Greengrass. Sure enough, as you sit in the Great Hall with your friends you see them holding hands and talking like it’s the easiest thing ever.

As far as you knew, there was no reason why he broke up with you so suddenly. It was totally random and something that you were not expecting. Just a few weeks ago, before Christmas, you both exchanged ‘I love yous’ for the first time and he whispered sweet nothings in your ear before boarding the Hogwarts Express and going home for Christmas. You stayed at Hogwarts, for you had nowhere to go. Draco pleaded with you to go to the Malfoy Manor with him but you knew his parents hated you. Christmas would have been made worse for everyone if you were there. Maybe if you had gone this could have been avoided and his arm would be wrapped around your waist.

When he got back though everything seemed different. He was distant, he wouldn’t find any time for you, his eyes had bags under them and his general posture seemed sunken. Like all the life had been drained away. You tried asking him about it but he shrugged you off and left you alone in the middle of the corridors or common room. Several weeks passed and you’d had enough. Just as you were leaving potions you, not so gently, yanked on his robe sleeve and pulled him into an empty classroom. It seemed like hours before you got an honest answer out of him. ‘Things have changed Y/N. I’m breaking up with you.’ He didn’t say anything else, just left you alone blubbering like an idiot.

Now, several weeks later, you have to endure the endless torture of watching the person you still so helplessly love, love someone else. And Merlin! it was torturous. Every time you heard either of them laugh or talk or even saw them together you felt you heart clench in pain but you’d managed to keep the tears from falling down your cheeks. You’d mastered that skill a few years before but this seemed to be more difficult.

Draco had noticed too. How you constantly closed your eyes, an action he’d come to know meant you were holding in your tears. Every time he felt the ball of guilt in his stomach tighten even more; he hadn’t given you a reason for leaving you. Truth be told, if he’d stayed in that empty classroom any longer he’d never have left. But he had too.

“Y/N can you help me with the potions homework later?” Y/F/N asked you. Her voice snapped you out of your reverie and you nodded.

“Sure. I’ll meet you in the library after transfiguration.”

Your eyes scanned the open windows at the end of the hall. You’d written to your mother a few days ago and she has yet to answer, if she ever will. You and your family have been estranged for years. Even before you joined Hogwarts. Your parents were both Death Eaters and you hated them for being on The Dark Lord’s side. Despite the estrangement, you still regularly sent each other letters after all you were family. But you couldn’t spend Christmas with them and certainly not the Summer with them; the summers were reserved for the Weasley’s, who took you in after the first year at Hogwarts. You’d never be able to find the right words to explain how thankful you were for them. They’d given you everything, even sent you Christmas presents and regular letters.

“What are you looking for?” Y/F/N asked, noticing your focus being elsewhere.

“I’m waiting for the reply from my parents. They haven’t written back in a few days.”

Your eyes avoided Draco and Astoria who were conversing down the row a bit. It’s definitely easier to be around them now, to watch them but you can’t help the slight pang of yearning and jealousy you feel.

A few seconds later an owl flew through the window and dropped a letter right in front of you, followed by a second owl. You raised your eyebrows in confusion but opened them both separately nonetheless. The first was from you mother. There was nothing you didn’t expect in the letter; the usual distant words and vague stories. You rolled your eyes and tucked the letter into your robe pocket.

The next letter seemed a little more ominous. The handwriting wasn’t one you recognised and when you opened it you noticed that the writing itself seemed to be more formal.

Dear Y/N Y/M/N Y/L/N,

You blinked in confusion before carrying on with the letter.

I am obliged to tell you that at exactly 10:39pm last night, your parents were both murdered by Death Eaters. You must know they were undercover as spies for the Order of the Phoenix. They were willingly used to infiltrate his forces, they often had very important information that has saved a lot of people. Furthermore, we have informed your brother who is on his way back from Egypt.

I’m profusely sorry for you loss. Take care.

The Ministry of Magic.

Your breath hitched in your throat and your knuckles turned white at the grip on the letter. You continued to stare at the letter as the voices around the Great Hall became muffled. Especially Y/F/N’s who was calling your name in concern. Your vision was blurry with tears and your throat felt like sand paper rubbing together. You started gasping for air and you realised that you needed to leave the Great Hall before you passed out. Which is exactly what you did.

Your legs moved at their own accord as you subtly hurried out of the hall with Y/F/N calling after you. You didn’t break out into a run until you were alone, only one destination on your mind: The Astronomy Tower.

You ran without stopping, feeling the tears roll down your cheeks and into your mouth. Your eyes were puffy, cheeks were red and eyes were sunken from the constant sleepless nights. When you reached the Tower, your fingers wrapped around the bar and you bent your back and neck over the edge. To your dismay, no matter how much you took in sharp breaths, you couldn’t bring enough air into your lungs for everything to stop hurting. For your vision to solidify and your body to stop shaking. Everything hurt. Your heart clenched painfully with every breath, your stomach coiled into a mess of aching guilt and loss and grief and hopelessness.

You have never felt more alone than you do in this moment.

What you didn’t realise is Draco was watching your every move. He watched as your eyebrows furrowed into confusion and your eyes widen. Draco always found it adorable when you were confused and the fact was still the same. When you read your letter, he watched as you face morphed into one of shock, confusion, guilt and grief. His heart broke for you. Especially since he couldn’t be there for you. Although when he watched you struggling to breathe and bolting out of the Great Hall, he couldn’t help himself.

“Astoria, I forgot something in my room. I’ll see you at lunch.” He didn’t wait for Astoria to reply, knowing it would be something about you or something about her tagging along with him. But he didn’t need that right now.

He followed you to the Astronomy Tower, surprised at how fast you could run. Who knew? When he arrived, he wasn’t surprised to hear sobs threatening to rip themselves from your throat. Your breathing was still harsh and faulty but you couldn’t do anything but grip onto the railing. Hoping and praying for yourself to wake up. This has to be a dream. A nightmare.

“Y/N?” Draco called out to you. This has to be a nightmare, you repeated in your head. You didn’t turn away from the railing but you, somehow, gripped it tighter. Your knuckles turning a sickly white.

“Go away Malfoy,” you spat. He flinched when you called him by his last name, you knew how much he hated it when you did it but you couldn’t help yourself. You wanted him to leave you alone. You didn’t want him to see you so weak.

“No,” he replies, determined to find out what’s wrong. “Why are you crying? What happened?”

“Nothing happened,” you lied. Both of you knew that was lie. In fact anyone who saw you would know that was a lie. It was painfully obvious that something had indeed happened.

“Don’t insult me by lying. Y/N something happened and I’m not leaving until you tell me.”

You still couldn’t breath and his words didn’t help. You felt your knees begin to buckle but you refused to let them. “Fine,” you breathed. “Then I’ll just leave.” You urged your feet to move but they didn’t. Couldn’t. And Draco let out a frustrated sigh before walking towards you and deciding you needed comfort more than demands. He didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around your waist and you didn’t hesitate to sink into his embrace. You turned away from the railing and sobbed into his chest while he ran his fingers through hair whispering into your ear.

“Shush, it’s okay.” His voice was like honey wading through your thoughts and sifting out the negative ones. “It’s okay. Everything’s okay,” he continued. You shook your head.

“Dr-Draco it’s not—I—Please.” You didn’t know what you were asking for and he didn’t either. He’d never seen you so distraught.

“It’s okay Y/N. Don’t talk please, just follow my breathing.” You tried to do just that. Inhaling and exhaling when Draco did but it wasn’t working. Every breath you tried to take seemed to rip your heart wide open; it felt like you’d never be able to breath properly again. As if you’ll always have tears streaming down your cheeks, as if your breathing would always be laboured.

“Please Draco,” you pleaded. Draco tightened his grip around you, his eyes narrowing. He didn’t understand what you were asking for.

“Shh, it’s okay. Just breath, breath.”

You and Draco breathed together until you’d stopped hyperventilating. You pulled away from Draco’s chest, entirely embarrassed. How had you ended up on the floor of the astronomy tower, having a panic attack and being comforted by your ex-boyfriend? It sounds like a poorly written YA novel.

“I’m sorry” you say a little sheepishly, staring at the floor and refusing to look at Draco. Everything has seemed to be going wrong these last couple of months.

“Don’t be sorry, love.”

Love.

The word clanged through you. Merlin! What were you doing? He didn’t love you anymore, he’d moved on with Astoria.

You jumped up and away from Draco. Surprise lit his face. “Love, what are-“

“No you can’t call me that,” you interrupt. your breathing becoming laboured again. “you don’t get to call me that anymore.”

Draco sighs as if realising he’s fighting a losing battle. “right. i’m sorry. i just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

you look at him. really look at him and you notice the dark bags under his eyes. he looked…broken. you felt your heart break a little bit more and you had to refrain yourself from touching his face. instead you glanced outside the window, you forgot how pretty the view was from up here. you could see hills and forests and trees for forever. you never tired of the view.

“i’m fine draco.”

Draco looked at you as if he didn't believe you. But he refrained on asking you anything else, he had no right to know why you were so upset. Not anymore. He looked away from you, his chest rising and falling rapidly.

He wanted to stay and be with you, ensure that you were okay and weren’t thinking about jumping off this tower but…things weren’t what they once were.

“I’ll be going then.” He dragged himself to his feet and made his way to the exit. He thought about Astoria waiting for him in the Great Hall. She was really okay, beautiful even but she wasn’t you.

You watched Draco’s retreating back feeling like you were breaking up all over again. A knife was repeatedly stabbing you. Over and over again. It was slow and you were bleeding out. You weren’t sure how long you could go on like this.

“Are you happy?” You whispered. “-with her I mean.” You stared at your shoes, feeling your tears steadily flow down your cheeks still.

Was this day ever going to end? You didn’t even remember how you ended up here.

“what?” He’s stopped walking, his back turned to her. And suddenly his throat was too small to breathe properly, settling for small and sharp inhales every few seconds. He didn’t want you asking about Astoria, nothing in his life was supposed to be like this. When he met you that was supposed to be it but then everything had changed over Christmas.

He turned to face you, noticing the continuous flow of tears down your cheeks and his heart cracking at the sight. Though they you were considerably calmer now.

“Am I happy.” It wasn’t a question, more of a muse. He played with the question in his hands, breaking and dissecting every word. He wondered if it meant - if you meant - something else. He thought about Astoria, he could be minimally happy with her. She was funny and beautiful but she wasn’t you.

“No.”

“Oh”

“Oh? That’s all you’re going to say?”

“Wh-what do you want me to say?” You choked out the words, wanting to scream at him because you were just so angry and so so tired.

“I don’t know.” That you miss me. “Anything.” That you love me.

An uncomfortable silence settles over the both of you. It was deafening and it was driving you crazy. You wanted desperately for things to be back to the way they once were. To go back to your fifth year, when your relationship was just starting and every look, every touch sent butterflies swarming in your stomach. When everything was relatively simple.

You missed your brother, hell you missed your parents if that were possible. The feeling drove you crazy and sent more tears down your face.

“Lo-,” he stopped himself, breathing slowly. “Y/N,” he amended. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

You looked up at him, the hardness in his eyes had disappeared. You quickly wiped your tears away, opting to look out over the rail.

“It’s so beautiful up here,” you spoke quietly.

His brows furrowed but he nodded his head, reminiscing all the days and evenings you’d spent up here together. It was beautiful.

You didn’t hear him reply but you chose to tell him the truth, if only so he’s not surprised when he hears about it at his Father’s Manor in a couple of months. Or maybe they’d tell him earlier, you didn’t know.

“My parents are dead.”

His heart stumbled a beat. And you look at him with so much sorrow that he thinks he might breakdown himself. He feels sick to his stomach.

“What?”

“They weren’t-,” you cleared your throat, willing your voice to sound relatively normal. “They weren’t Death Eaters, they were spies for Dumbledore, I guess? James has to come home from Egypt.” You started crying again, great big sobs wrenching your body. He just started at you, his heart was hammering loudly in his chest and everything was moving slowly. Because it just didn’t make any damned sense.

“Love,” he says, he can’t help himself. He knew that the relationship between your parents was stilted. And he knew it was because they were Death Eaters, that they sided with the Dark Lord. He walks towards you but stops when he sees the alarm in your eyes.

“I just wanted to tell you, I know your parents,” she stopped herself. “I know they go to your house a lot so don’t be surprised now that they’ve stopped showing up.”

He stared at you some more, utterly confused. Why were you talking like this? As if he cares about whether your parents would be showing up to his house over the summer when you were breaking down in front of him. He’s never seen you like this, you’ve always remained strong.

“Love I’m so sorry.” He walked forward again, desperate to hold you.

“Don’t Dray.” You held up a hand, stopping him.

Dray.

The name clanged through him and he could feel tears falling down his cheeks for you. For you both and for your relationship. How had it come to this?

He supposed it was his fault but his hand was forced. There was nothing he could have down. Right?

“Please let me just hold you. I need to make sure you’re okay,” he pleaded. You were surprised by the tears in his eyes, on his face.

“Why are you crying?”

The concern in your face made his resolve crack. “Because your parents are dead! Because I’m forced to pretend I love Astoria when I can’t stop thinking about you.”

You exhaled shakily.

A beat passed.

Another.

“Say something,” Draco said. “Please.”

Anger replaced the sorrow and the fear and the grief. You couldn’t tell if this was a sick joke. And he could see it all written on your face.

“You can’t stop thinking about me? You have to pretend to love Astoria?” Your voice was quiet and that worried Draco more than anything. “Why are you telling me this?” You’re shaking your head and backing up. You back up until your back hits the rail. “Why are you putting me through this?”

“No.” It’s all wrong. Draco panics as you shake so much. “Love-,”

“Stop Calling Me Love!” You shout. His eyes widen but his hands drop down by his sides. “I don’t deserve this.”

“Please just let me explain.”

You stand there staring at him, you’re so mad but you do want an explanation.

He realises you’re waiting for him to talk so he walks over to you and sits in the floor where not 10 minutes ago you were sobbing into his chest.

“The Dark Lord paid us a visit over Christmas. Yo-your parents were there so were Astoria’s and it was horrible. He stayed for a few days and he bought people in to torture in our dining room.” He slams his eyes closed at the memory, the shouts and screams and pleads he can still hear every time he sleeps. “On the last night, he demanded to see me. I guess my father sold me off to him in a way.”

He distantly hears you gasp but he’s too far gone in the memories to stop himself from talking.

“He f-forced me to torture someone, I don’t remember who it was. I tried so hard to desperately forget it but it-it shows up sometimes. Behind my eyelids and in my dreams. I was so scared, y/n. Your parents watched and they said,” he pauses. “They said that I couldn’t be with you anymore, that they didn’t want a Death Eater dating their daughter which at the time I thought was rich. But I guess their fears shined through because they pleaded with me to leave you alone. They said that I was just going to hurt you and you didn’t deserve it, that you deserved someone better.”

Somehow you found yourself pressed up against the wall beside Draco. His hand in yours. You were soaking in every surprising word.

“So I-I tried to. That first night back, I tried to break up with you.”

You remembered it. You obviously hadn’t seen him since before Christmas and you wanted to get lost in his body. So you did. You remember him mentioning wanting to talk to about something important, but you brushed it off thinking you’d talk about it in the morning.

Only that was the last time you spent together properly. After that night he distanced himself from you.

“I couldn’t bring myself to do it y/n. I just - I wanted you so badly and I wanted you to be mine so I thought of the next best thing. Distancing myself from you and it worked.

My parents found out that we’d broken up so they pushed me into dating Astoria which is-she’s perfectly fine but she’s not you.”

Utter silence.

A few minutes pass as you think over his words.

Your parents, despite what you once thought, looked out for you. They did love you. Those thoughts alone made the ball of guilt in your stomach tighten even more. You don’t even remember the last time you spoke to them in person. You think it was between your fourth and fifth year, when they demanded you come home for the summer. You supposed it was because of Voldemort.

“My parents,” you whispered. He looked over at you and your heart broke all over again. For this frail boy who wanted to do right by you and by his parents but ended up getting hurt in the process.

“They were good people y/n.”

You nodded your head, pushing down the thought until you could deal with it later. Maybe with your brother.

“Dray,” you said apprehensively. “Can you- I mean you’re - Are you a death eater?”

You didn’t let go of his hands but he could feel the tension in your fingers. He hadn’t meant to let it slip but he supposed there was nothing he could do now.

He nodded slightly, looking down at his hands with red and shame filling his cheeks. He never wanted to become one, he was on your side, the Order of the Phoenix’s side but now he was becoming the very thing he promised himself and you that he wouldn’t become.

He felt your hand leave his and he let it. He didn’t follow your fingers like he so wished he could do, he let you pull away from him. Fearing the worst, he brought one of his knees up to rest his arm against. He didn’t look at you, he didn’t want to see the fear or the repulsion.

He expected you to leave. But instead you knelt down in front of him, your distraught face coming into his view and you grabbed both his hands tightly. “You’re still Draco,” you said simply.

He shook his head at you. “Your parents were right y/n. I’m no good for you.”

You winced at the mention of your parents and he hated himself for it. “I get to make that decision for myself not you, not my…parents.”

“But I tortured someone, I am one of them. Please remember that before I begin to hope.”

“My parents were Death Eaters until they died yesterday and the ministry is rewarding them. Be like them, do what you have to do to survive but please, Dray, be careful. I couldn’t bear to lose you so permanently.”

His hands tightened on yours.

“I love you Draco.”

You heard his breath hitch. You’d said it before but it felt so nice to hear again.

“Are you sure?” He asked you.

“Of course I am. I see the good in you and I’ll work until you see the good in yourself as well.”

“I love you y/n. I always have. I’m so sorry I put you through the last couple of months.” He leaned in for kiss but you halted him. He suddenly felt embarrassed, he wondered if he’d misread what you had said. He looked away.

“I forgive you Draco. I do.” You grabbed onto his chin so he was forced to look you in the eye. “But you need to break up with Astoria before I kiss you again. And I just-.”

“What is it?” He asked you desperately.

“I want to be with you. I want to be your girlfriend again but I just need a few days to process everything. My parents just died and my whole perception of them has changed. And of you.”

His heart sunk in his chest but he understood what you were saying. He understood that you were still mad at him for putting you through the last few months and that your entire life has been changed irrevocably.

But when you rested your head on his shoulder and grabbed hold of his hand so tightly he thought it was going to break, he knew you were his again.

——————————————————————————

It took a few days for you to come around. After he’d officially ended things with Astoria, you’d spent almost every waking moment together. You’d spent so many hours catching up and talking about his fears. Fears about himself and you. He was scared that you were going to be taken away from him but he realised that distancing himself from you was just going to hurt everyone involved.

You had explained everything to your brother, James, and you’d both cried together over missed opportunities and moments. But at least you had each other.

The funeral was next week and you and Draco were currently sat on your bed both doing your own thing. Bored of the book were reading, you closed it and placed it down on the table next to your bed.

“Dray,” you said.

“Hm?” He didn’t move his eyes away from his book.

“Draco.”

He looked up at your tone. “Everything okay, love?”

You crawled closer to him until your lips were inches away. “I love you,” you spoke quietly before joining you lips with his.

It was like your first kiss all over again. The butterflies in your stomach woke up and you wondered how you’d ever gone a month without kissing him. Without feeling him writhe below you.

You pulled away. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were slightly bloodshot. There was so much emotion in his eyes which you were sure reflected in yours. “I missed you.”

Everything was going to be okay. It was going to be difficult but it was going to be okay.

[masteoftheshelves]

“Sh-she died?”

The tremble in their voice echoed around the room. Like a knife it pierced everyone’s hearts, breaking them into two halves

“How?”

There were a lot of tears running down their face. So many tears. So much sadness.

People were expecting anger. Things to be broken, smashed, destroyed. They weren’t expecting to feel the sadness emanating from them. They weren’t expecting this which, somehow, made everything that much harder to deal with.

“In her sleep.”

That seemed to be the final blow for them. Their legs buckled underneath them, people moved quickly to reach out and stop them from hitting the floor.

But everything moved too quickly. The world sped up. And they lay, crumpled on the floor unable to move. Unable to be a human again.

Nothing could be done.

And so they laid there for eternity.

Until one day the pain, the feeling of utter sadness webbed away.

And it was easier to deal with.